LOOKING FOR A GRIEF GROUP? General Grief Support Tuesday June 15 at 2 pm EST - JOIN US!

How do you get over a boyfriend who cheated on you?

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Laineynae, Dec 24, 2020.

  1. Laineynae

    Laineynae New Member

    I had a boyfriend who I loved so much for a year and a half. I found out that he was talking to another girl from work right under my nose for about a month. I was so traumatized by this that I immediately cut off communication from him even though he is utterly sorry and upset with what he did. I dumped him.

    I found out that he was doing this about 2 weeks ago and my pain is still so great. I have cried every single day for 2 weeks, and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better. I don’t have any close friends and it doesn’t feel like my family understand, so I have been desperately trying to find someone to talk to. Can anyone help me? I’m so depressed and heartbroken and lonely.
     
  2. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Hi. Just wanted to reach out and say I am sorry for your pain. Feeling betrayed from someone you cared for and trusted can seem overwhelming. I hope that you can find some support and kind words on this site. I am new here. Feel free to vent to me. I do think just talking about it can help. Take care. S
     
    Laineynae likes this.
  3. Laineynae

    Laineynae New Member

    Hello S,

    Thank you so much for reaching out. I really needed this.

    I’m currently at a point where I’m confused. The person who cheated on me keeps sending me messages saying he is so sorry for what he did, and he wants me to come back really bad. This makes me confused because I’m in the middle of my deep pain and I want nothing more than to just go back to what’s normal, and enjoy what was good about our relationship. I have a hard time remembering all the bad things we went through in the relationship because when I think about them, they don’t seem as powerful than the good times we shared.

    Do you have any recommendations for me? I’m so lost. I don’t know whether to give him another chance and go back to him, or if I should move on and reestablish who I am?
     
  4. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Hi Laineynae. Hope you are doing ok. You sound like you have good insight into your feelings. I think it’s normal to feel confused, wishy - washy about what to do. I am 55 , divorced, no kids . Probably not the one to advise you. But do remember my dating years in my 20’s. They were tough. I got cheated on with my first real boyfriend too. It was so painful. I remember just crying in the shower uncontrollably. I did move on. And about 3 months later much to my surprise the guy pursued me again, wanted a second chance . I went out 2 times with him but couldn’t get comfortable with him, I just felt like he was a slime ball and only a matter of time until he cheated again. We had dated for 18 months previously and he had a young son. It was a tough decision at first but really the right one for me. He was a player. But that’s my experience. I think you should step back . Look at yourself , value yourself and how much you have to offer someone . Respect yourself. Nothing wrong with seeing him again if you miss him but it’s “your “ decision if you do. And “your” decision if don’t feel like it’s working. I will say You are young and have so many opportunities awaiting you. It may not feel that way now but it’s true. I remember I thought my life was over, I was so lonely and sad too. But honestly there is this whole world out there. Whatever you decide- Follow what You want, What makes You comfortable . And It probably is more challenging now with this sucky pandemic going on but it won’t last forever. That’s all I can say for now. I am here if you wanna chat more.
    Shelley
     
  5. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Oh and just so you know. I did move on and have some good relationships, ...and some not so good ones too. But I currently live together with my boyfriend of over 5 yrs, a really good guy. I am very happy. And i am glad my path ended up here with him. But I do feel that I would be ok with out a significant other. But prefer sharing my life with someone whose company I enjoy. My relationship is on an even keel, not a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs. I feel loved and content.
    Take care
     
  6. Laineynae

    Laineynae New Member

    Hello S,

    Your response was greatly appreciated. I have a couple questions though.

    1. How did you get over the break up? I’ve been trying to keep busy, but I feel like I’m not dealing with my emotions correctly if I just try to distract them away.

    2. How long did it take for you to get over your ex lover who cheated? It’s almost week 3 for me and I still cry about both missing him and being angry with him.

    Honestly, I’m struggling so bad between going back to him and not because I was so shocked when I found out he was talking to someone behind my back. He says it was a mistake and he has full remorse for what he did, and that makes me want to give him a second chance.... BUT, my trust is pretty much gone with him, so I don’t know what to do.

    Any tips?
     
  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Lainenae,

    The good thing is you are young. The year or more says committed. Where the conversation about that? The secret talking for a month is troubling. Everyone flirts and likes attention. Just being twenty-something is all about experimenting and find ourselves in life. Some success and some failure. If it was just talking. Then talking about what?

    How long to recover is a good question. That is friends, interests, a host of things that are fulfilling. A book called The Artist Way deals with the traumatic break-up. This author's take was we are so wide open and raw. She set about changing every pattern to take in the new. A friend to commiserate with is good.

    My wife and I have seen both sides of this. Each had been left or decided not to stay.

    This does sting a lot. Perhaps better to know then later.

    People are resilient with time.
     
  8. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Hi Laineynae
    I think however you work thru this will take time. I do think recognizing this pandemic has us more isolated then normal and that probably adds to going out and meeting other people with same interests. I think I hung out with my sister. I was in school/ college so had to keep up with that. I am a runner so I would go out and run and that helps clear my head some. Talking to myself about it. Or even talking out loud to my self about how I was feeling. Pretending I was talking to him. Some people write feelings in a journal, get self help books. But I feel like dwelling on it too long could be detrimental too. You need to set it aside at least some time of the day and think of something else positive or do something positive.
    Trust is something that people earn so I think you should be wary of him. He broke that trust. So if you want to give him a second chance go slow. See if you still feel the same for him. Maybe or maybe not. Or perhaps you already know. You owe him nothing. It’s your choice. And just because you say yes let’s try again . You have every right to turn around at any point and say no it’s not working. Honestly I probably went out with my sister to a bar listening to a band on weekends . And met a guy about 6 weeks later . Ended up dating him for a few yrs. My thoughts as I have gotten older about relationships are that I just want to feel content, loved , and safe. I don’t need crazy emotions, crazy highs and lows. Just honestly. And not waste time on someone who is only half interested in me. Ugh. I can’t believe I wrote so much. I truly hope you just put yourself first. There is no easy answer or right or wrong. Just try to follow what you feel most comfortable with. You have a whole world out there and many years to explore and enjoy. Hope that helps you some. If you want some attitude listen to Gloria Gaynor “ I will survive “ song from the 70’s. That will give you strength and make you smile.
    Shelley