How do I move on

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Jackiej, Nov 16, 2019.

  1. Jackiej

    Jackiej New Member

    I lost my Terrance 2/13/2019 to stomach cancer. He was diagnosed only 6 months prior. I am a nurse so logically I knew he would last long and yet I didnt believe God would take him so soon. I am totally devastated. I feel worse because we have 2 teenage boys and now that the holidays are here our house is depressed and I dont know how to make it better for my kids. How to get out of this slump and be a mother to my kids again.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Jackie,
    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, so devastating, so young! So unfair! The holidays magnify our pain. Tomorrow is one year since I lost my soul mate. The one year mark is making me more anxious, sadder, just plain devastated. I feel I shouldn’t still be here without Ron. My husband was 63; and healthy, so we thought. He had a massive heart attack, gone from my life in 2 hours. He was my everything. His funeral was the day after Thanksgiving. Last Christmas was only 1 month and 8 days since he had passed. It’s all a blur how we even got through the holidYs at all. A lot of crying, for sure. I’m seriously dreading this Christmas. I know what you’re feeling and it’s awful. Other people in our lives try to provide us support, but unless they’ve gone through losing a spouse, they really don’t understand. People on this site all understand and know how this feels. And that feels good. I feel your pain and understand your concern for your boys, and they’re dealing with their own loss of their dad. All I can offer is to deal with one day at a time, or hour by hour, or minute to minute. Whatever you feel up to. The 3 of you will give each other strength and grieve together. But you all need each other.
    I have 2 adult children and we’re dealing together as best we can. My daughter lives 15 minutes away, my son is in Florida. I’m in NY. My daughter is a God send. She is here for me whenever I need her day or night and I’m here for her. This is the worst thing to ever go through and nothing makes it easier. Some day down The road all your memories will feel good, but it takes time. I’m not there yet, they still make me cry. What you’re feeling is normal, try not to be hard on yourself, no one is ever ready to deal with what we’re dealing with.
    I’m thinking of you and praying for you and your boys to have the strength to move forward. Robin ❤️
     
  3. Jackiej

    Jackiej New Member

    Thank you
    Robin thank you. It is so devastating. I woke up feeling like I woke to a nightmare. I'm sure you understand, in so sorry for your loss too. I'm grateful to you and this site, to have people who understand, it helps.
     
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Jackie, you’re so welcome. What we’re going through is nothing short of a nightmare for sure. I only recently found this site myself and it feels comforting to have people who understand what each of us are going through. Today has been a rough day for me, in 55 minutes it’ll be a full year since I lost my Ron. How am I still here? I know you understand what I’m feeling, can’t put into words. Had a few family members over as a memorial. It was nice and helped me through the day, I suppose.
    Take care
     
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jackiej, I am so sorry for your loss. When we lose someone who has been a part of us in our lives, there are no words that can really console us with that tremendous loss. I have hidden my sorrow in music for so long it brings comfort to me when I am feeling down.

    I bring you a song today, of another who sings of her plight. Even though her voice may not speak for you, she speaks from the heart.

    Having to gather the strength to make comfort you husband I am sure was awful and you had many a painful day. I know when my own wife started getting sick after we moved to Florida, she was eventually diagnosed with cancer. She had attended nursing school in Maryland after our youngest at the time had stopped breathing one day and having that helpless feeling. I came in on her, and we both were scared. The ambulance arrived and eventually he started breathing again. But that event made her need to know more on how to help in such situations.

    Of course I realize that even though having a medical background might make you more acutely aware of their sickness, it doesn't really give you the tools to overcome it. She held on for 6 years, with many treatments, many times being on the transplant list going up and down. Finally when she was almost to the top they checked the cancer one last time and it had jumped to other organs. Need I say she was aware of her outcome as were we, and we all cried so many tears of hopelessness.

    Our two sons, were adults when she finally past, but when that happened after going through so long of hoping, of wishing we all had to watch as her final day came in hospice. I agree with you, having to be a parent is so extremely hard when you are in this situation. We look at each other's eyes and can see and sense the hurt. There are no words. We all shared so many precious times together in our lives, and will cherish those memories for the rest of our lives.

    One word of advice I would give to you is, don't ever stop sharing this loss with your boys. Though they may be quiet too often and not want to talk, looking at pictures and talking of trips you all had togethers and the great times you had with each other is worth so much. Tears will be endless, loneliness with come and go, but always remember, it is for the love you all shared for the one who is now not with you, other than a memory.

    I will forever keep my wife Nadine with me, in my mind, in my heart and in my soul. I do believe in God and know that she is with him in heaven now. God Bless. Keep on sharing with each other, and may peace and comfort come to you and your sons.
     
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Jackie, I am so sorry for your loss and the struggle you are facing with creating a new set of memories for your children without your belioved husband by your side. I was married for 42 years and my husband just died this past Oct. from metastatic melanoma that was only diagnosed in August, so it was also a rapid progression from diagnosis to death, so I get the stunning turn around from him being here, and him not being here. I've also been struggling with my own internal war about not really "wanting" to create new memories without my husband. Bottom line, new memories WILL be created whether I purposefully create them or not. So one suggestion would be to try to build some purposefully different things in to your family holiday traditions. Don't try to do all the same things you used to do with your children and their dad. Talk with the kids and get them to help you create some new rituals. Maybe you guys have sushi for Christmas dinner, or you have a fried turkey instead of the traditional ham and trimmings. Maybe on Christmas Eve you will go to the botanical garden and look at the lights, or you will have hot chocolate in thermoses and drive around and look at the lights in town and eat store bought junk food and deli sandwiches for your Christmas Eve dinner. Build some new things in that allow you to be together in new ways and let the tears come if they do becauses that is part of the humanity you and your children have in common.
    Sending you so much care and support
    Patricia
     
  7. Jackiej

    Jackiej New Member

    Thank you so much Patricia for your support and suggestions. I am sorry for your loss too. I know it's not easy for you after so many years together and you are awesome to offer me suggestions and support it helps having some one who knows. I have spoken with my kids and we decided to travel to family for Christmas instead of staying at home. I love the sushi for Christmas dinner idea thank you .uch . How are you doing this holiday season I know it is not easy. Did your husband love christmas? Mind did and we always hosted family and friends who had no family near for christmas.
     
  8. Jackiej

    Jackiej New Member


    Hi Robin, how are you doing? I was with you in spirit. You are brave I still not at the point where I can think of or talk about him as completely gone, I know its it's crazy, our year will be February 13th. How are you making it through this Christmas season? I am trying to do things different but still make Christmas special for the kids but all I want to do is hide lol. Bit we are doing christmas and incorporating talking about what my husband loved to do for Christmas to keep his memory with us in a good way. We will make it through, keep taking it one day at a time.
     
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Oh yes, he loved Christmas ave played Santa in a suit many times for children in difficult situations. For 15 years he and I were both costumed as Mr and Mrs Claus out at a Christmas party held for families of maximum security inmates. It was a wonderful volunteer opportunity to help people who were struggling. We also always had other people join us for Christmas day and Christmas Eve. It's so odd to be the person people want to invite now. I'm used to being the hostess and that's not really in the cards this year. We've had so much disruption in the entire family that nothing is the same for us so we are bending like a willow in the wind. That flexibility is likely good for us because it keeps us agile.
    Please take care
    Patricia
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Jackie,
    It’s not crazy at all, feeling you can’t think of your husband being completely gone, I feel the same way. Hard to say the words out loud, impossible actually. I’m afraid I’m not in a good place right now. Christmas had always been such a happy time for us the lead up to it as we prepared was such a wonderful time. We would make a fun day of going to cut down our tree with our children. Ron loved spoiling me with too many wonderful gifts. It was a magical time for us. That magic is gone and although there’s so many wonderful memories, they make me so sad. Ron and I hosted Christmas, every year for as long as I can remember and loved doing it. This year I actually wanted to again but my brother who spent every holiday with us decided he wasn’t coming this year. My adult daughter and I will spend the day together, make it a low key day . I know he wouldn’t want us to be so sad, we’ll be trying to make it as positive a day as possible we’ll enjoy some of his favorite foods and share memories of happier times.
    Christmas has become a tough time for us.