How do I go on?

Carol and Robin,

Carol the fact you and he were sweepers and both shared that put a smile on my face!! Both Kay and I love Christopher Walken. One of his best movies was Five Dollars a Day. A father-son redemption movie with Walken entering every contest imaginable and with the winnings finance a reconciliation road trip. When I watch that is my typical, Oh I will never win. But the artful and persistence is work and per your experience paid off. I think it creative and that you both shared it makes a marriage fun. My sister and her partner were swapmeet people. My butcher and his wife are rock hounds and beachcombers. I think what is in common is joy and invested in life, participation. My wife and I watched Dances with the Stars together or beauty pageants ( that she inherited from her father) She loved to dance so we could try to guess the winner or who next to be voted off. She would watch a Seahawk game with me and feel the tension of the game. She was more intrigued by the player's personalities. Another couple I know love to have people over for board games. David has said it. Our long marriages are where we grew up to gather.

Robin if I have read correctly. You and your husband were in the upholstery business together. That is a skill and craft. I very much admire these hands-on abilities to master how to do something well and your field involves the textile fabric world that Kay and I loved. Both of you have very rich lives. I appreciate how different life must be now. This is why I keep so much of Kay's very creative choices of jewelry, gift shops, thrift stores trophies. Robin, I agree to be alone for the first time is deafeningly silent. You are correct that we are limited and stunned over this life-altering virus pandemic. I was a hermit and not all that up to being social. I could and did go to the store to just have a salesperson to talk to. I come here or have a FB community of friends.

We have good partners and marriages. I personally cringe over the not so harmonious moments. Fortunately not often but in retrospect and the big picture. Those angry exchanges were so stupid. Usually like any toddler, just tired and cranky. I love reading both of your accounts.

Thanks for sharing both of you!!

Paul M.

 

Paul,
Yes, you got it right, Ron and I had an upholstery business. When Ron was 19 he got a job at an upholstery shop, he was considered an apprentice. He realized he enjoyed the creativity of it and became accomplished at it. The shop he learned at was auto interier work and boat work. My dad who owned many pieces of property and he was the owner of a bus company and mechanic shop. He offered us a place to set up shop and also gave us the job of repairing bus seats. So we were off and running and Ron eventually quit his job to open our own upholstery shop. That was a big jump to make but we didn’t have children yet and seemed like a good time to give it a go. We were successful!
I have sewed my entire life but on home sewing machines, Ron taught me how to sew on industrial machines with walking feet. I actually put the needle through my finger once, thread and all! Ouch! We moved to a larger building, next door to my Dads bus company, we did auto upholstery, convertible tops, carpeting, seats, tonneau covers a lot of full restoration antique vehicles, we did boat seats and also furniture. We even did work on cars that were in movies. Slowly we stopped doing furniture and got a contract to do upholstery on medical exercise equipment. Then we stopped doing boats because Ron had to leave the shop to do estimates and it became too time consuming. I worked side by side with Ron since we opened, I believe 1979, we loved working together. We had at times 5 other employees, I worked until we had children, and went back as soon as they were both in school. As we got older climbing in small vehicles got harder and Rons hands became tired and sore we moved to a smaller shop and only did the medical upholstery, and was just the two of us. That was 2016, we could work with much less stress and fewer hours. It felt like a relief, no customers so if we felt like it we could leave for lunch. Which we did often. We planned to fully retire this year on my birthday, and enjoy life without work. Ron was counting the days. I wanted to retire but sewing was therapy for my RA and I worried about not sewing any more. And I was right, I have more pain but I just can’t sew, my mind isn’t up to it.
I’m thankful that I asked Ron if anything happened to him what do I do with everything in the shop. He said toss everything, I plan to keep our sewing machines when we retire and some tools. Besides losing Ron, closing our business was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I cry as I think of that loss. Was supposed to be the two of us cleaning out things with the thought of retirement in our heads. I tossed a lot sold some things, gave things to family members and brought home our industrial sewing machines and some tools and leather, vinyl, foam etc. they’re set up in our basement, but I haven’t used them it feels too emotionally hard.
Paul, writing this has been somewhat cathartic for me, I am sorry if I gave you more info then bargained for. As I sit here alone and crying I’m realizing even more the effect the loss of our business has had on me. I knew it was huge but yikes! Our business was our second home. This crying is probably a good thing, get it out, I cry for Ron but right now I cry for our loss of the wonderful business we created. I have business associates stop if they see me outside and tell me how sad they were hearing of Ron’s passing and how much they respected him. And knew he was honest.
There was an elderly man we put a convertible top on his car, he had trouble latching it, he just wasn’t strong enough. He’d come by every spring for Ron to latch it and every fall to close and latch. He wanted to pay us but we never charged him. He started bringing bottles of wine for us. Such a nice man, I hope he found someone to help him.
Again, I’m sorry if I went on too long with too much info. But thanks for mentioning our shop, I think this tells me I need to talk about that loss more then I do.
I just found out NY is now staying shut down til May 15! And face masks are expected if out in public. Thankful my brother dropped some off for me, I haven’t been able to get any. Losing our life partners isn’t enough, we have to deal with this health crisis too. I do feel tested and know if we all had our loving spouses we’d be in such a better place and mindset right now.
I cringe too at the times we had disagreements, like you, they weren’t often but did happen. Never anything big and never lasted long, thankfully.
Hope you’re having a good day, as good as we can anyway.
Robin

 

Robin, you wrote well and did a fabulous job of sharing your life with Ron. You and he created a durable life of work and caring. I love these stories. A couple of similarities. 1979 was when Kay and I married in Pensacola but the ceremonies were in Tallahassee. We would move to Seattle one year later. A Chevy Van with a VW in tow and the cat/dog and all that we owned. Similiar was retirement was in site with some travel ideas. Kay had a book about seven sacred places in the US.

Your life sounds so full. Having the wits to navigate a business wind down I am amazed you could. Just as here several mostly women with school-age kids try to go to work on top of what they are feeling. If you think about it. Tell me places you and Ron would lunch at? Likely the older man with convertible found a good soul to help him. Do you recall the car?. I would guess you are missed by your customers. What I liked reading about you and Ron was it worked. The news cycles focus on the ills of the world. Your lives worked well. I tend to like places that are Cheers the TV show. I had been going to such and such for years and knew the owners. A great deal to be proud of.

I did have a memory of a mistake that was made during Kay's discharge. I was not notified and she was put in a Taxi. The driver left a cancer-riddled woman and just discharged from a blood clot on the sidewalk of the Skilled Nursing facility. The memory carried the same intense rage. I talked that one out with David that posts here. The airing was helpful and he handled it very well. A few here both speaking and listening have helped a lot. Reading of your life and knowing it was so rich. Knowing many solid marriages actually happened. The heartbreak was first. Then the tears. That was painful but the release was cleansing. I can never minimize this and am distant enough to live in an awkward present.

David said that in Maine they have a pass of sorts to be out. NY and Jersey have masks required. How much do you prepare for the disrupted services? I can not begin to comprehend how any business but a small one like yours will hold up in this. Households for that matter. If Kay where here I am certain she would handle it well. She is a survivor and so practical-minded. Your story is a warm story of family. A friend of Kays has a mother that is in the process of passing. We can talk and having done it twice I can at least offer her templates of what happens. My sister did that for me having navigated five years with her partners ALS. We talk an easy five hours a week and spent Christmas together. One woman, I met her. Her family is putting resources into some family property in NM. A place to be and grow food should it come to that.

Glad you wrote and have family near. We did chat some about CBD and honey with a cinnamon remedy for your RA. I am also glad for the forty years and not getting past but more gradual infilling.

Be well in NY.

Paul M.

 

Paul,
Thank you, I’m glad I didn’t bore you with too much info. Ron and I did live a full and fulfilling life together, we worked together like a well oiled machine. He was always so healthy there was no real thought of losing him, even though I knew it was his heart I was sure he’d pull out of it, because he was so strong and healthy. I’d apologize for him doing so much and helping me with so many things, his usual answer was, “ don’t worry about me, I love helping you, besides I'm strong like bull”! I do recall chatting about CBD and honey and cinnamon. I’ve pretty much given up on the CBD helping arthritis but it does help me sleep, so I’m taking much less. The honey and cinnamon, I had the wrong honey, I have raw honey now and hoping it helps me. Too early yet, plus my dachshund did a jump on me that hurt my hip and knee I’m trying to heal from. He misses playing with Ron, I don’t play hard. He even places chew toys by Rons recliner and he lays there and cries somethings. So sad.
I do know our customers miss us, we’d have old customers beg us to work on their cars, but our new shop didn’t have enough space for cars so that helped us say no. Owning and operating a business is very fulfilling but also a lot of work. I would do it all over again though. As for the guys car I’m afraid I don’t recall what it was, I hope some of our business neighbors told him what happened to us and possibly helped him with his top. They were all good people and offered me great support. Our landlord helped me emensely. As for lunches, we’d do quick lunches for the most part because we did have to get back to work, so some fast food. But also an Italian place called Parto’s, Birchwood Restaurant, a cozy little restaurant, I’d say similar to Cheers, Chicken Rotisserie, Crystal Garden a Chinese place. I’m glad we had those lunches. We went out almost every Wednesday. And sometimes Ron would telepathically tell me he felt like going out out for lunch, I always picked up it too.
I do have family near, my daughter is my biggest help and support. Two brothers and one is pretty good support, aunt uncles, cousins and nephews. If needed they would all be here for me. But I hate asking for help.
I enjoy your story of moving to to Seattle with all your belongings and cats in a van. Oh to be young again and no real worries. Not knowing what life will bring. Now with all of life’s knowledge I’ve lived and experienced, it seems crazy starting a business, or you and Kay driving to Seattle. How long did that take?
I agree that it is nice seeing and reading about so many wonderful marriages and how they all had such enriching lives together. But sad we’re all finding each other because of a tragic loss. It is a wonderful community of support from strangers who feel like family and friends. Ron would be forever grateful for all who have helped me on here, since he can’t help me. As I’m sure Kay would be grateful. Nadine and so many more. Janet, Billfromwa wife. He’s from Seattle too. Wonderful caring man. He supports me daily.
This crisis we’re all dealing with sure makes everything feel worse. I’m trying to decide if I should go to the store for supplies. I do fall into the high risk area but if we’re all wearing masks maybe it’s ok for a quick run. My brother dropped off masks for me. I’m undecided, probably should stay put and not take the risk. Gaurentee you Ron would do all our shopping to protect me.
I’m hearing our beaches might be closed for the summer, that’s my go to place to feel relief from everything. So that’s upsetting but I do understand.
You stay safe and healthy in WA
Robin

 

Robin,
I do love reading you. The lunches sound perfect. Your marriage and mine were companionships you could not pass a piece of paper between. I feel for the dog as well. I have a friend I met here and continues as she moved on from the site. We write once a week. She is in NM. She also like Kay is a natural healing experimenter. She and a friend here were the CBD supporters. She has valerian with melatonin in the mix. I am reluctant to enter too many supplements with already several prescription meds. I did notice Billfromwa was local but didn't get the Seattle part.

Yes, we were young once. Living in the moment with an open field of possibilities. Making it up as we went but with each other. The caravan prairie schooner style took a few weeks. Typical of our life and vacations. The meandering vacation has a time a general destination with a couple of must-sees but the rest just happen. Whatever presented was fine. Kay's best all-time job was a single proprietor family business. Display and Costume Supply. Very much in her wheelhouse. Creative interactive with plenty of actor designer types to amuse her. She loved novelty five and dimes from her youth. She worked there when downtown. They subsequently moved to just block of our home. I went over the other day. A memory lane experience. I could not quite bring myself to inform the owners Susie and Dallas to Kays passing. I just left a message. I did learn this was to be the last year ending after the peak season of Holloween. That was prior to 19. Another business of brick and mortar supplanted by online.

The few times I went to in-person grief groups was the talk of what made the marriage special. We know our own so well. To hear others describe theirs was emotional but satisfying. There was the technical talk about burial, ash scattering last wishes and all that. The personal accounts held my interest.

In our 19 world, none of us know how this plays out. Boeing had a pop on Friday as announced the factory reopening as the suppliers did too. The farmer's markets may resume soon just with new rules. No mask required. No school for the year but much went internet learning. I had a Yorkie to caretake. That was supposed to be for five days. Then quarantine set in and that became four weeks. A dog needs a walk and all the neighbors are home. So at six feet, we visit.

Our prior life of work and marriage held 90% of all my social anyway. Those ended and the wheels fell off. Not gently. I was not a social media player typically. Pure isolation and loneliness found one outlet or go effin mad. I looked up a high school track friend. We talk about two hours a week. So a few from the class of 72. Robin, not sure if you have experienced this happen but so many posts are pure nostalgia. Many 50's. 60's, and 70's do you remember this car, TV show or list of now long gone products. Part of new life building were these classes at a senior/rec center. I had added a yoga class just one then three. That led to a fleet of classes like Tai-chi, acting, line dancing, music and sound, aerobic exercise. About five others. All have movement and work on other brain regions. All are social. Then 19 happened.

I do know many who were paycheck to paycheck. Those I am very concerned about. The paper had a piece on home vegetable gardens are in. My mom was an Oregon farm girl. Her recollection of the 30' depression was not so stark as my dad a more city person. Though they did the back yard garden as well.

No beach is got to hurt. Glad both you and David post and others.

Take Care.

Paul M.

 

Paul.
I’m loving your description of our marriages, that says it perfectly. Besides my parents, since I was 16, Ron was always my safe place and he considered me his safe place. So many couples do thing separately, separate vacations, do separate things on weekends. And that works for those people, but Ron and I were miserable apart. As I’m thinking was the case for you and Kay. We know what each other is thinking without speaking a word. We didn’t need other people we had each other.
Right now for some reason I’m thinking of the night of his heart attack, once I realize this not a virus this is his heart, through tears I told him I know you need an aspirin, I threw our bottle out and did t replace it. We don’t have any. He begged me please check upstairs. I knew we didn’t have any upstairs but I said I’d look. Paul, I go up and down stairs one step at a time because of my hip and knee. I flew up those steps and the same going back down. When I reached Ron in the bathroom it dawned on me, holy cow I just ran up and down the stairs. I apologized that we didn’t have aspirin, but he seemed a little better on his own. Then shared how I flew up the steps, he was genuinely happy for me! Obviously adrenalin set in and got me up and down fast, but I think why on earth did I share that. He’s in horrible pain and I’m telling him I ran up the stairs. Maybe because I was so sure he would pull his way out this nightmare. And we shared everything. No secrets ever. I think of him in the bathroom because he was throwing up and all that stuff that comes with a stomach virus and he’s sweating profusely. I get a fan for him and he’s pulling his clothes off, after I call 911 he’s now asking me to help him get dressed again. It’s a small bathroom, our dog keeps climbing on Ron and me with arthritis in every joint, trying to help him and Ron is so weak. We get him pretty much dressed the ambulance comes, they get him on the stretcher, actually he was able to walk to it. He’s now asking the EMT and me to get his shirt. He was told they’ll cover him and not to worry. He was thinking pretty clear. These are just some of the things I think of regularly. Not sure why I shared all that, but that’s where my mind went just now.
So, you still have this little Yorkshire terrier? I don’t walk Ted (dachshund) he’s very strong and pulls on the leash sometimes, my daughter Stacey will walk him and I go too, but mostly he enjoys running in our big backyard. I’m impressed you signed up for all those classes, but now I’m sure you miss all the socializing that came with them. I wonder what Ron would do, I can’t see him signing up for classes but who knows. I’m pretty positive he’d close our business like I did. He was so ready to retire and I talked him into keep working til this current year Sept. I was afraid to stop working, it was my therapy. Plus there was too much work for one person.
Supplements, I take quite a few, but my doctor knows all I take so as to not interfere with my prescription. I refuse to take the ones you see on tv for RA, there’s too many warnings that come with them and side effects. I miss having Ron to talk to about changing medicines or my care etc.
I believe if I had met Kay we’d hit off, she sounds like she is a creative person and enjoys things that also peak my interest. Paul, I totally get not sharing that Kay had passed. I do think it’s great you visited that shop though. I have trouble sharing that Ron has passed. Makes me cry every time. It’s a shame they’re going out. Glad this current situation isn’t the reason, but it’s sad. I feel our upholstery shop would probably survive this. We could probably have stayed working this whole time.
Just read good news, NY is allowing marinas to open and golf courses. It’s a start. Our parks for the time being are still open, Stacey and I visited a wildlife refuge yesterday, felt good to be out and get fresh air and see people but not close. We stopped by a local beach and stayed on the platform but enjoyed the ocean breeze and then she helped me trim my hedge, which is a huge project. I need to hire someone. But all the fresh air felt good and I slept much better. All good things for multiple reasons.
Thanks for sharing, We do have some commonalities.
Robin

 

Robin,

Its good to talk about them. I feel a sense of warmth from how solid and loving your marriage is. I use the present tense on purpose. A sudden heart attack. A roofer working next door last summer died in one day and suddenly. I get from your telling the concern for each other. Often putting the other first. That is as it should be but questionable how often that happens. I think the way it happened was that panic. What is going on and what should I do. We die when they suffer and feel so powerless to help. We see it and are upset and thing happens so fast. Maybe more time we can think or get better information. I do hear those super-strength stories of someone trapped under a car. The rescuer from adrenaline can free them. You did the best by calling 911. I am not clear had there been an underlying heart condition or not. Had Ron done well with check-ups? Kay would have God awful leg cramps. I think magnesium helped and liquid ice. A panic to al;ways find them or out.

We did not tack vacations all the time. That was what retirement was supposed to be. When we did maybe Hawiee as Kay's dad was military and they were stationed there. Fond memories for her. The get out of town we did the most was Vancouver B.C. An exciting and beautiful international city only four hours north. The 911 happened. They were somewhat loose on the passports but eventually more strict. That left going south and the Oregon beaches and a very unexplored eastern Oregon. The whole thing was great but what was notable was how we could spend 14 days 24/7 with such ease. Except for one-half hour each day. Hotel check out. I tended to be more rule-oriented and wanted to get going. She tended to be a little slow in the morning but value-oriented. She is staying for the full time paid. I am getting anxious and her all in her good time. As fast as the storm came it was over. Right back to enjoying our time together. You would think after 40 years one would accommodate or change. But never a deal-breaker.

Most people know she passed. The telling just brings tears. Depending on the day and circumstances I can deal with it but enough for now. Too raw and exhausting. The friend I mentioned from here who lost a son. The son's friends at an anniversary wish to rehash it all. She really would prefer to be spared that extra emotional ordeal. Either reliving it or having to be supportive of them. There is only so much emotional capital. It's never just moving on just a pause to let sorrow be for awhile.

The actual pandemic science people I value. The ones who have studied this stuff as a career. They can advise best on what to do or not. Place this one in proportion and tell why it is different. Have a realistic expectation. There have been these in the past and likely ones in the future but this one is unique.

Likely in your bio but what area of NY and what water is the closest?

Thanks for writing.
Paul M.

 

Paul,
I feel the closeness you and Kay had as well in your writing. And yes we did care for each other. I felt he was dealt the bad end of the stick, because he had to help me so much. But he loved helping me. If we were out somewhere and Stacey was with us, if my shoe lace became untied, Stacey would offer to tie it for me, Ron would gently tell her, no that’s my job, I take care of Mom. He was like that with everything. If he’s watching over me and I feel he is, he’s not happy with all the things I’m doing.
Ron had no health issues what so ever. Nothing. Blood pressure was good, cholesterol good. Healthy! The cardiologist that kept coming in to tell me how things were going, told me that if Ron was at the cardiologist office the day before they wouldn’t have seen anything. He said sometimes this happens and comes out of no where with no warning. We had absolutely no warnings at all. I went into shock immediately, we had no reason to believe something like this could happen. My world literally turned upside down in two hours. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. This has to be a nightmare I’ll wake up from, but no.
I enjoy your hotel check out story, makes me smile. I’m sorry you lost your dream of traveling together. Ron and I took our children to Disney World almost every year as they were growing up. As they became adults they still wanted that family vacation. We continued to go every year and had a trip we were counting down to to when Ron passed. I had to cancel that trip and instead my children and I worked at closing and emptying our shop. On his phone I saw he was searching for a cruise for us to go on for our 42nd anniversary. We started taking anniversary trips once in a while and then every year. I’m thankful for those times together but sad we lost our retirement dream to travel too. Sounds like you had enjoyable vacations together. Ron and I liked going without having to travel too long. We’d take a ferry to CT often.
I live on Long Island, one block to the south is the Great South Bay, I can get to the Atlantic Ocean in a half hour drive and then there’s the Sound maybe a 40 minute drive. We don’t visit the sound often at all. We’re surrounded by water and growing up we always had a boat we’d go out every weekend. Ron and I also owned a boat for quite a long time. And then my daughter got a beach pass for her Jeep, which is great for me so I don’t have to walk in the sand much, which hurts me.
911, we could see the smoke from our house and lasted a long time. A lot of long Islanders passed that day. I personally didn’t actually know anyone but a lot from here passed.
I like that you use present tense in speaking of our spouses. I do often too. They are still with us. I can’t imagine rehashing the loss of someone on the anniversary day. I’m sorry she had to endure that. I had close family over and yes we talked of that awful day some, but for the most part we talked of happy memories, fun events. I had 50’s music playing which was Ron and my favorite, also 70’s music from our dating and getting married. I had his favorite foods, snacks and dessert. We released balloons Ron would tell me don’t do anything, not necessary. But I needed it. He also didn’t want me to spend much on a funeral, I told him I’d do my best but I will need to have a a service and people. He understood.
I’m afraid I don’t know your story, I know Kay had cancer and know you had a wonderful life together but I don’t know the story. If you feel like sharing.
It is nice to read about other people’s love story and how they’re managing etc.
Take Care, Robin

 

I am sitting here watching QVC, and they presented stromboli. My instinct was to grab the phone, because my husband would love them. Then I remember that he is gone, and the tears start. I'm crying over a sandwich!
Carol

 

Carol,
I am so sorry, I know exactly what you’re feeling! Doesn’t take much. I cry walking into Walmart. We shopped there together often. And it’s those little things in life that hold great memories but cause to much pain.
Robin

 

Carol,

The first wedding ring we used when first married is what got to me the most. We had ours repaired once and one day replaced but those two rings were put in a small jewelry box. To this day, as I open it, of course, it brings sadness and tears. It wasn't the cost, it was the memories it brought back, of two young kids meeting and becoming one and starting a family. That image will always be one that will grip me the strongest.

-david

This is the first song she shared with me

 

Carol, not silly at all it's the everyday things that make you realize your everyday is not the same anymore. For me it's Costco, I'd do the shopping and be on my cell with him, if something looked like he'd like it I'd snap a pic and send it to him. Same for when I was in a nearby suburb that we lived when we got married, and I thought, yep he used to come home this way from work, it's all still here and he's not. sometimes I think I may have to move because there are too many memories.

So many triggers. I still have shows on my DVR that I didn't watch, I was saving them for when he came home from the hospital. I can't delete them, nor can I watch them.

We all have those triggers, and it's okay.