Dating after loss

Hi all,

Is anyone else dipping their toes into these uncharted waters? I lost my wife 3 1/2 years ago after 22 years of marriage. I tried dating again way too soon, and the results weren't great. After that, I realized I needed to back off dating and work on myself.

Fast-forward almost two years later. Isolation and loneliness drove me to dating apps. I thought I was in a good place with my grief and ready to try again. I met someone last week, and while she wasn't my "type," we hit it off and met. We had a great time and decided to go out again, but someone she knew and had dated who was more ready for a serious commitment called and she decided to pursue that relationship, canceling our date. It was divine intervention, as I was about to tell her that the thought of anything more than a friendship right now sent me into a panic.

Since then, my grief has come back. While it's not as strong, it's at a level I haven't dealt with in well over a year. I am relatively young for a widower and look at least ten years younger than my age, but honestly, I feel like the clock is ticking. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, and I am having difficulty coming to grips with that possibility. I have a lot to give to someone, the problem is I cannot imagine opening my heart to someone yet. I am giving it to God, and trying to cope with my reality today.

These feelings are awful. I never wanted to live without my best friend. We were supposed to grow old together. I wasn't supposed to be out there trying to find a partner. I spent a long time alone before I met my wife. I can't do this whole dating thing, at least not yet. I don't know how people do. I guess I will figure it out. At least my kids and my dogs love me. I suppose if God wants me to be with someone I will be.

 

Your story sounds alot like mine. I lost my husband and I am young for a widow. I was married 20yrs to my husband. I thought that I just wanted a friend too. That's like an impossibility it seems no one was interested in just friendship. I have 5 kids and I didn't want them worrying about me and I didn't want to be the angry old bitter widow. I just thought I would love to have someone to always be there and help me as I help them. I don't want drama dating is horrible mostly. I have been scammed and now I don't even know if I can trust myself to find a good man. Now I am in a long distance relationship with someone I don't even know if he is really even going to show up in the end. He is safe and sweet. He can't be there for me when I really need him. I'm as lost as you. If you need just a friend I am able to do that.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words and the offer of friendship. Friends, in any healthy capacity, are hard to come by so I accept.

I have thought a lot about my situation since last week and wondered if the person that I met had been someone I felt more attracted to and who did not want to jump head first into a romantic relationship if things would have been different. The honest answer is maybe, but maybe not. I recognize now that I am not fully healed from my loss, but will I ever be? My heart is not the same anymore. I am going to keep working to heal. At least I know I am still broken. That's a start.

What I want is the kind of relationship I had with my wife before she got sick. We grew even closer during her cancer battle, and I not only loved her but was in love with her until she drew her last breath. Is that possible to have again? I takes years and lots of work to build that kind of relationship, I know. I am open to trying again, but whomever has the guts to walk that path with me will have to be patient and I don't know if such a person exists.

How are you doing with your situation? How are you managing as single mom with five kids? Do you feel like this relationship you are in is to help with the loneliness or do you believe you are in a place to give more but cannot because of the situation? If your heart is ready for more, how did you know you were ready to move forward? It's the thought of giving my heart so fully to someone and possibly losing them again that terrifies me right now.

 

I understand but I had jumped into this relationship way before I was ready. No I don't handle being a single parent well at all. It was bad bc I was working 12 and 1/2hr shifts. My younger kids weren't going to school. One also had a bus that didn't always show up. They had straight Ds and Fs. I couldn't leave work. My older kids aren't parents so they did their best to take them. So 3 of my kids went to stay at my parents. I was trying to get enough money to move and bring the kids back. The thing is they ended up on the honor roll. I was a failure as a parent. So then I broke my knee and needed surgery. I am still healing. I lost my home bc I am out of work. Now I am living with my parents. I'm not thrilled but I know that I need to be with the kids no matter what. My relationship is great but we are stuck bc he got stuck in Norway. He is kind and we have gone through sooo many challenges in our relationship. I made him do devotionals and pray with me. We just finished the oneness challenge. I want someone who is going to actually be in our lives. I rushed and I found out that was not the way. I worked on myself alot and my faith. It's still hard. In all of this I am completely lost. I only had two choices to give up and waste away bc I wake up everyday regardless. As a Christian suicide is not an option. I can't live in the past where all my security was. I was pushed forward like one of those coins in a game that get pushed over the edge. I fell all I can do is have faith. Go forward. It's hard to go forward when I thought I was in control of my life. In reality I had absolutely none. Since I was always in control of my household as my husband was a disabled vet. I grew to trust no one and was a pretty negative person. Although I thought I was being realistic. I watched my husband die slowly over 11 yrs. I knew everyday with him was a gift. He gave up somewhere. Shut down tried for yrs to push me away. The VA doctors weren't treating his pain. He was managing with alcohol. Then he lost his mind bc his liver was shutting down. Let me say if anyone can handle over 5 yrs with a pain level over 8 to 10. Ten being the highest I am surprised he didn't go insane earlier. He accidentally took an extra dose of insulin and I came home to him unresponsive. He pulled through only to die slowly over two weeks. I wish that things were different but they aren't. I was praying that he wouldn't suffer anymore for sooo long. Then I was back to no one caring. I was completely alone. He had been stuck in the house so long we had no friends. I don't understand my family. Never have. I was so secure in his love. Then to be that girl that absolutely no one cared about again was so hard. I went back to work a week later. Not a good idea but if I heard one more you just have to be strong I was going to hurl. I was a single mother and no one really helps widows after the first week or two. Apparently I should have been strong enough to forget it and move on. Instead I had panic attacks and cried every hour in the bathroom. I learned alot. Like what you say has power if you don't speak life over yourself and your family then your speaking death. What you tell people about your kids and family will be exactly how they turn out. So I had to completely change from the inside out. I fight those negative words all the time. Love is hard only certain people can endure it and are called to marry. Love is what is in my core. I still have love left to give. I don't want to do this life alone. Bc people are stronger together it's even in the Bible. I believe in the end everything will be ok. Nothing will ever look like you imagined it would be and it will all be for the best. Don't rush. I had to learn about dating as a Christian woman and lay a foundation on God. I did a devotional on Fun and Holy on Facebook. I had to find my worth. Whoever I end up with has to be the right man bc I don't believe in divorce or murder lol. I don't want to settle for anything less than love. Bc my kids need a good father to teach them what their father didn't get to. Love them through a life without him. I pray that I never lose another spouse again. I still love my late husband and hate that our dreams never came true. We were about to renew our vows. He won't be there for the graduations and marriages he dreamed of seeing. It kills me each time I get to see them alone. One day at a time and just keep looking forward to a brighter day. In fact one of the songs I loved to listen to when I wanted to give up was Brighter days by Blessing offor. Friendship is always a good thing to have. I am pretty open. I am bad at telling stories bc my mind races when I am trying to talk and everything comes out without alot of order. My name is Christine McFarland close friends call me Christy. I look forward to getting to know you. Sorry if things get lost in translation a bit.