I lost my father April 2021. I lost my dad suddenly. And on top of a sudden death, he and I had a complicated relationship. He was abusive to my grandma and mother. And we weren't talking much this past year due to boundaries I had set to protect myself. I feel such an immense sense of guilt and loss. Loss of what won't be of our relationship, loss of what could have been. And I feel so much guilt. I know that in the moment I was doing what I needed to protect myself from him this past year, but it's hard realizing this past year we had such little contact during his last year of life which leads me with immense guilt. I have such a duality of emotions that exist about my dad. There is an inner child in me that misses him deeply. And then the adult in me is still coping with all the trauma that he caused throughout my life which leads me to be so angry at him. I'm not sure how to cope with these conflicting emotions. And on top of it I feel like so alone. No one in my life understands, and their words just don't seem to help with the pain.
The exact same thing is happening to me, almost word by word, which is uncanny. My dad passed in his sleep last Tuesday due to an alcohol-related cardiac arrest, and I had been avoiding him because 'rationally' I understood that I didn't want to see him drunk and possibly get hurt, but in my heart I would have wanted to just hug, hug, hug him until his heart eventually gave out. And I didn't do that. You are more than welcome to talk to me -- complicated grief is the worst, it feels like I'm in a new dimension and I have absolutely no idea how to go forward. Just ask yourself: did he have the initiative of contacting you? Did you hear from anyone that he wanted to see you?
Hi both… I lost my dad just before Christmas. He had bipolar and was abusive to me in my childhood and teenage years. He was also an alcoholic, and died of organ failure as a result. I, like you both, had been distant for many years. Each time I made contact, I found myself becoming extremely ill from memories of the trauma. He had a stroke when he was 40 (died at 49) and I felt terrible that I was unable to care for him and be a good daughter. But, as children, it is not our responsibility to maintain these relationships. These relationships broke down because of them, not us. There is nothing more we could have done. I am blown away by the grief… the daddy I lost from my childhood who I loved and adored… and the man I saw as a monster in my adulthood. It couldn’t be more complicated. I totally understand. Im off work and spending a lot of time sleeping and in my pyjamas. I hope you are taking care of yourselves too.
