After 4 attempts in a year ... mom finally got her way.

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by MintyCrunch, Apr 6, 2017.

  1. MintyCrunch

    MintyCrunch New Member

    Hi all. I just joined. I'm struggling, obviously, but my story with my mother is very complicated. No body really understands and there are moments, many moments, when I don't understand either.

    My mother was never happy. I really had no childhood with all her in and out, drama, fighting. Everyone expected me to pick up the pieces each time she blew up her life. Ran away from another husband. Found herself homeless and broke again. I was forced many times to kick her out of my life for my own sanity. We'd reconnect eventually. Time would pass. The cycle started again.

    Her first attempt was when I was 4. She stuffed herself full of pills and slept for a week, leaving me and my brother unattended. I finally got tired of her always being asleep and tried to wake her. She was non responsive by then. This past year she started the same cycle again. She'd stuff herself full of pills, go dark, sleep for days. I found in the same condition in Feb of 2016 and it reactivated my trauma from when I was just a lass. I started having a lot of problems, I was disoriented, screwing up at work. She tried again in March and landed in the ER. She was delirious. Screaming at me. Screaming at everyone. I finally took an Uber home at 3 am. I couldn't stand it anymore. My boss called me at 8am to let me know I was being laid off.

    It took me two months but I found another position in June. After the March attempt I realized I had to protect my 3 yr old daughter from all this so I cut mom out of my life again. I did not speak to her at all. I got a call in Sept from a case worker. Apparently this time she parked near the hospital and stuffed herself full of pills. I called every day to check on her but not go visit. My husband was fighting with me all the time. My boss was bullying me. I was just trying to stay sane enough to function and take care of my daughter. In December I finally got fed up enough with the bullying that I quit. So now I was unemployed again.

    Another 2 months and I find a new job, only this time is just contract. One week later, Feb 14th, I get another call. This time she did it parked out in front of a big park. She had hypothermia and had thrown up all over herself. She was in a coma. She had a DNR on file so when I was told she was basically brain dead. The next day I notified her horrid siblings and a few came by. I shut the machine off at 1245Pm Feb 15. Her sister told me my mother had asked her to handle the funeral arrangements. Instead she just disappeared and left mom sitting at the coroners office for weeks. I finally looked up her case number and made sure she was transferred and cremated as she'd requested and paid for. Tomorrow her ashes will be scattered, but with no witnesses. I am not going to stand on a boat by myself and none of her family have expressed any interest in attending a service. None of her side of the family has called me or my brother. No flowers arrived at my door. Her roommate did helpfully stuff all my moms photos and jewelry in garbage bags and throw them over my patio door for me to discover a week after she passed. That was nice.

    So far I have managed not to lose the job, but it takes more effort than I can express not to crawl into the bathtub and just stay there. I sort of manage to go through the motions for the kiddos bed time routine and morning routine. Then when she is asleep, I go lay down in bed and just stare at the wall. Or play fetch with my fluffy siamese Ana, but I think she is even finding me to much of a drag because she hasn't come around the past couple nights.

  2. Colleen Rose

    Colleen Rose Member

    My mind is filled with so many thoughts, but I still don't know what to say to you. I'm sorry, just doesn't seem adequate. I have to be honest.. and sometimes that hasn't always worked out for me...but I'll be honest anyway...I'm sort of relieved for you. You know where your mom is now, and you don't have worry anymore. You can finally be at peace. Focus on your husband, your child, your job, and most importantly- you.
  3. MintyCrunch

    MintyCrunch New Member

    Thank you, Colleen. I actually feel that way, too. That doesn't mean I am not hurt and sad and traumatized. I am just not traumatized by her ultimate success. I'm traumatized by the whole process, the life time of pain. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I posted on facebook a day or so after she passed that I kissed my crazy, beautiful butterfly goodbye and said I was glad she was free and thank you for setting me free too. I just meant from the constant worry. Some of her family got very angry at me. Apparently they think I was thanking her for dying. I didn't even try to explain. What's the point?