Two months later and no one wants to hear about my sadness and grief anymore

Also, please don’t be so hard yourself about being in denial, there are some things we’re never going to be able to accept, so we just don’t. My husband was alone when he died, he was supposed to have surgery the next morning for his broken hip, I went home because every bone in my body ached from sitting in the emergency room for 13 hours, I was going to be there first thing in the morning to see him before surgery, every thing was going to be fine. But it wasn’t.

 

I gave my thots on the 1 to 2 month idea that the hurt just goes away to a sort of metaphor or comparison to driving down the hi-way an dropping her into 'PARK' o.k. but
love between 2 might better be
explained as follows. Love built up over time could be likened to a
heavy flywheel of a large engine.
It will take time to get that heavy
wheel to really spin. Trying to
stop it quicker than the time it
took to get it really spinning will
only lead to much much more
mechanical stress than if it were allowed to free wheel and slow f own gradually. I know what
will happen when a heavy
spinning wheel stops suddenly.
It will break into pieces and
be hurled a good distance
Seems the same as 'LOVE'
A love that has been very close
and bonding over say close to
3 yrs or 6 or 22 yrs. They all hurt
when death takes one of the two.
Some just have very little idea
of loss and if they act like everything is fine after 1 or 2 months it may not have been
the relationship they made it
out to be.
Time builds a loving relat-
ionship and it can only take
time for the loss to heal
somewhat. We do not want the
loss to heal completely tho.
We do not want to forget that
love we had. They will always
have a warm and cozy place
in our ❤ s but there will always
be a small empty place that they
at one time filled so beautifully.

 

I'm at the two month mark as well and I am getting similar responses from those who were there for me day and night immediately after it happened.
Now, if someone mentions his name they all gasp and look at me.

Yes. I am sad.
Yes. I am devastated.
But I want to talk about him. I want to hear about him.
I want to laugh and smile and cry.
I will always hold onto him - and I'm proud of that.
Does it hurt?
Of course.
It's only been two months - everything hurts.
It should. It was a great love.

Just because he's gone doesn't mean he wasn't here.
He was my life.
Everybody got to go home to their person after the funeral.
Mine was the one that was gone.
That night was the loneliest I've ever felt.

And to now have to deal with people who are 'uncomfortable around me'.
I'm uncomfortable too.
I don't want to do this either.
But I've learned that those who care enough - they show up.
Even if they don't know what to say - they still show up.

Even through all of this profound hurt -
If I got to go back and choose...
a) never meeting him at all
b) doing it all over again with the same outcome.

I'd choose b) every time.


That's why I joined GIC. I needed others who understood what it's like to walk this path.
To actually reach out - and have someone reach back.

 

Dear laced smile,
I know, I so knoe what you are
going through. Having NO 1
to talk to is rotten. I have 3
sisters a brother mom an dad
Yet no one has asked me, "Want to talk?" That flat out hurts. Past the
11 month and never a word so I have a gr8 idea about loneliness.
Feel free to write me.
Want to talk?
727 204 2767

Sincerely,
Ray G.

 

I like your analogy...I describe losing my wife as losing my dance partner ( even though I'm a lousy dancer ) I will one day dance again but it will be with a limp, the limp was caused by my wife's death, I will never be without the limp but I will dance again...Dan

 

Ive always been a very private person. It takes a lot for me to be comfortable with anyone, my husband was the only person I’ve ever been completely myself with, because he proved , over time he wasn’t going anywhere. Tell me about your love and I’ll tell you about mine.

 

Yup, those triggers ! A year later
sitting in Doc's ofc and filling
out an update form and ?16 asks
about marital status. You answer
widower and a hundred and
ten emotions hit you like a
hundred and ten volts.
Everyone in the waiting
room has their face stufft in
one of the two dozen
magazenes a Dr.'s ofc has
So no one sees your eyes
welling up with tears out of
the blue. . .well they are not,
they are out of 100's of great
memories.

 

I understand about being private, we were that way too, we had each other and we felt that was all we needed. I hope at least you can reach out and have some company, and a bit of distraction. It does help, although sometimes I feel guilty for not thinking of him 24/7. letting some light shine in on my sadness.

I never knew the depth of how much you can miss someone.

 

Same here. I wonder if everyone is just selfish around me and I hope I was and never get to be like that. You feel like you have to put a mask on around everyone. Has it always been this way in the world ?? My own family doesn’t get it or why do I expect strangers to? It nice to know at least I am not the only one having these feelings.

 

Hello Cora61,
Yup. I love my family but I know I can't expect them to step on home plate and take a chance at bat.
Maybe they feel they will miss
and be embarrassed by saying
the wrong thing. . . ? Maybe they
just don't want to hear about
deep sadness cuz it makes
them sad. . . they can not be
sad for an hour or two? They
have their husbands and
wives. . .
I just accept it for the way
it is. Think of the great times
we had, talk to her as I str8n
up the place. Yhink of throw-
Ing a leg over the saddle of my
91 Harley and get on with life.

 

My George, had beautiful hazel eyes with brown flecks, was bow legged, loved old country music and Cowboy boots, loved to sail, fish and could make those beautiful complicated knots. Sharing this makes me smile. Anyone else want to talk about their spouse/partner?

 

I used to believe that life was so complicated and answers are hard to come by. Then I met Nadine, who I would eventually fall in love with and marry and have two beautiful children with.

She made me realize that you can’t predict what tomorrow will be, or find all the answers you seek, but rather look no further than today. Live life like there will be no tomorrow. Make no compromises beyond reason, stick to your ideals and life will unfold for you right before your eyes.

If we were to second guess ourselves through life we would never take a chance, never walk into the unknown or show faith in ourselves. You have to believe in yourself, and others.

Each day I see my wife in my sons. She imprinted them with her beautiful outlook on life. I was a very lucky person to have met such a magnificent person.

Though I will miss her each day forward, I will never give up, never forget the love she gave me openly and will live my life with no fear.

I am sharing this Bon Jovi song --- david

 

My husband had the most beautiful green eyes, one of the first things I noticed about him, I would tease him the second thing was his butt, this made him laugh, I miss those eyes the most. When I arrived after they called me that I better get there I noticed they had his eyes taped closed, this disturbed me, he was still with us. I asked why, and they said it was for his comfort. They asked if I wanted the tape removed, at first I said no, then I said yes. I apologized to him if he was uncomfortable, I told him I just needed to look into his eyes, they were still bright and clear.

I remember one day when I walked into our business and he was about to introduce me to a customer, and she then said that he didn't need to because the moment I walked in his eyes lit up, she knew that I belonged to him. He would always say to me, "I love you more than life" I wish I could give him mine.

 

glego, I agree with you that a spouse can see things in their mate that others can't. I remember how I actually used to admire how beautiful my wife's teeth were. She had a million dollar smile.

The one thing that always caught me, was my wife's way she expressed herself, not just spoken, but in her writing. When you would listen to her, you couldn't help but admire how unique she was on her perspective of the world and people around her. I will miss talking to her, but I still have her letters she wrote me when I was in Vietnam. She was a one of a kind.

take care of yourself - david

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister suddenly 3 months ago. I have two other sisters but they don't want to talk about it. I want to scream "somebody please listen to my pain" but I guess they want to grieve in silence. I feel so loss & heartbroken. I'm still grieving the loss of my father two years ago & now my sister. I pray for peace and comfort for us all. This is definitely life changing.

 

My husband Terry was a beautiful person inside and out. Beautiful blue eyes and thick beautiful hair with a mustache and beard. I always said that he need his bread to cover the little chin lol. He had a great personality and was very funny and made a lot of people laugh even in hard times. He took my children in like they were his own and we have three wonderful grandchildren that he adored and they adore him. He loved cars as he was a trained mechanic all his life. Loved animals I still have our two spoiled cats that love and miss him too. Now they are on me like they would be him every day. It has bought me some comfort. He was and is still the love of my life. ❤️

 

I quote Bob Dylan at times as he is SO with it. In
'Tangled up in blue'
"Then one day the bottom
fell out, an I became withdrawn.
The only thing I knew how ta do
Was to "keep on keepin on.'
Yeah That is watt I am doing
I hope to 'Love again' someday,
But I know I must keep on keepin' on. Built a nice shop bench in my
shed, wired it to code and I
repair gas engine generators.
I will never forget the won-
derfull ladies in my life.

 

LindaS I wanted to make sure you noticed my reply so I entered it in two different threads to make sure you and others could see it.

Thank you for your kind words.

You should never feel ashamed to talk of loss, no matter how much time has gone by.

LindaS, I am so sorry for your loss of your sister and your father. That is a lot of pain to hold. Please don't ever feel like you can't or shouldn't talk about it. Talking about loss is how we each help lesson the pain we have so much of, and by telling others it helps us heal inside slowly.

Loss is hard to accept and each of us will take time to recover. By talking about your loved ones (sharing) you also help others see they are not alone.

During my marriage to Nadine, my Icon is her picture, she lost both of her brothers and an older sister, we shared in so many more losses with each other it helped both of us face each new day. Nadine last sister , also a Linda, the oldest of them was with us for the last days of her life.

Before she passed she was able to visit Hawaii with her sister and girlfriends (an all girl event) and they took so many pictures. At that point she knew she had cancer and so it was a special time for them all to share together. My sons and I stayed home.

During the time Linda spent with us, both her and Nadine were also visited by her niece and travelling nurse across the US. It was amazing all the great laughter they had together. I knew both Linda and her niece Lisa realized this would be an amazing time for them all. They sat on the couch, and watched so many movies together. They cried together and had many hugs and kisses.

When they left they guided Nadine from Florida back to her home state of Maine on the airplane. My two sons and I closed the house and hit the road back to Maine to be with Nadine in the Auburn, Maine hospice house. That time we all had together is etched permanently in our mind. We will miss sweet Nadine and all the whoopie pies she would make.

Sure, writing about loss is tough, I shed tears as I write, but I know you must as well. Just know that you are not alone in your loss. We are all sharing a time in our life that is so very personal that you can't help but be emotional.

Please take care of yourself. Never give up on life and above all else, we all understand your pain. Please forgive but I use a lot of songs to create images for us all.

david

This song is for us all:

 

David, thank you.