My mom was my best friend and suddenly she's just gone

My mom and I have been more like sisters my whole life. Even after I turned 18, I stayed at home, and we did EVERYTHING together.
In July of 2019, I took my mom to the hospital for an MRI. She fell on ice in March and broke her tailbone but the pain had only gotten worse.
Her MRI found a large cancerous tumor on her lower spine.
Within a week, she got so bad that she could barely walk. Then she couldn't. She was hospitalized twice for a total of 17 days.
When she came home she couldn't stand or even wipe herself so I became her caregiver. I was so scared and stressed out. She was on so many painkillers, it was like she was barely there. I was constantly checking her breathing and worrying and panicking.
She came home August 7th, on a Wednesday, less than a month after being diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer. Next Tuesday, the 13th, my dad took her to a doctor's appointment to discuss chemo.
The doctor told them that there was a 90% chance or more she would beat this cancer as she was only 59 years old.
But when they returned that day, we couldn't get her up the stairs into the house. She was a large woman, maybe 290 lbs...
I can't believe it didn't see how out of it she was. I thought it was the pain medication but even a week before when she was doped up she could still speak mostly clearly.
Why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I just call an ambulance when we couldn't get her in the house at first? Why didn't I save my mom?
We got her inside and cleaned her up (She had a hard time controlling her bowels lately) and got her most of the way into bed. I should have known. I was crying because of how out of it she was. Why didn't I do anything?
I checked on her a few times until bed, then in the morning I came down and instead of checking on her right away, I stretched out on the couch. Not much longer I heard my dad trying to wake her up, but she didn't answer.
I rushed into the bedroom and grabbed her and started begging her to wake up. Dad went to grab the phone and I rolled her over. I still remember the way her right eyelid was smushed from laying on her face.
Dark, almost purple liquid ran out of her mouth and nose. I screamed at dad. "She's not breathing! Call 911!" And I just remember screaming and crying and begging.
911 told us to start cpr. Neither one of us had ever administered cpr before but we pushed and pushed on her chest until the ambulance finally got there. They took over and we had to leave the bedroom.
After what seemed like an hour they brought her out in what looked like a body bag. But they said her heart was beating again. We followed them to the hospital.
There they told us that she had a bowel obstruction and the liquid coming out of her mouth and nose was feces. They said that must have made her go into cardiac arrest.
I held her hand for maybe a minute before the had to transfer her to a bigger hospital not far away. Dad and I went there and they were doing a procedure on her. On our way to the waiting room a doctor approached us.
She starting talking and as soon as I heard phrases like, "fixed and dilated pupils" and "brain activity", I knew. I could tell my dad didn't know. He thought there was hope. I tried to have hope too, but I was numb.
In the waiting room we heard over the speakers 'code blue room c10'. Dad and I ran for the ccu. A skinny tall doctor stopped us.
He told us mom had no brain activity and that she had been without a heartbeat too long. That she would never come back to us, even if they pulled her back from the brink again.
Dad and I didn't know what to think or feel. They told us it would be better to let her go. So we did. We walked into the room. There had to be 20 people in there, including a priest. They were still trying to get her back.
When we walked in, everyone stopped and started walking out. Dad and I stared at mom. I touched her leg. It was cold. I held her hand. She didn't stir. Dad couldn't kiss her lips because of the tubes.
I remember stating at her messy ponytail. She had wanted me to pull it back off her neck yesterday and I was too flustered trying to get her to get appointment that I told her we didn't have time.
But I thought we would have time later to brush her hair off her neck. I thought we had more time. All of a sudden...within hours...she was gone.
My mom died.

Was it painful? Did she know what was happening? Was she scared? Is there a heaven? Or is she just...gone? Could I have done something to save her? Did she feel like a burden? Did she know how much I love her? What am I going to do without my mom? Oh mom....this can't be real.

 

Hi, Marissa, I just created my profile, and your story stood out to me. My Mom passed in June, only a year following my Dad's passing. My mom had lung cancer for 4 years, and was doing well until last Thanksgiving when she developed severe stomach issues. They couldn't figure it out until May this year, and unfortunately, it was too late. She had 3 emergency surgeries which ultimately led to a blood clot that was released from her heart. I will never forget the Docs words when she said, "This is what will end your life Suzanne. " I took care of my Mom immediately following the passing of my Dad. He was in hospice in their home. I'm the baby of the family, so this has been incredibly hard to deal with. My dad and I were extremely close, and my mom and I struggled through-out the years. The last year with her was an absolute blessing. We became incredibly close, and made an extraordinary team! I miss both of them so much! I feel lost, and uncomfortable discussing with friends, and family. After my Dad passed, my Mom, and I had each other, and discussed our feelings daily. Now, I'm trying my best to move forward, and cope. I'm hoping it will help to talk with someone who has been through an extraordinary loss. I'm here to listen if you would like to share. Just know you aren't alone, and maybe we can help each other?

 

My mom just passed away two weeks ago, I feel like this too, I wake up everyday thinking is a horror movie and then I realize is not.

I will love to share our feelings, this is a thought moment for use us

 

Thank you for reaching out! I’m finding it’s really difficult to share how I’m feeling with my brothers. I talk to my daughter; however, feel like this may become a burden to her recovery. I would love to talk with you! Tell me more about your Mom.

 

Hi Marissa,

I am so sorry your mum is gone. Reading through your harrowing story breaks my heart.

My mum suddenly died on 7th October from a fall in the hospital thats still being investigated and not related to why she was admitted. It just doesnt seem real.

Keep yourself surrounded by loved ones and friends. Wishing I could give you more words of comfort but feeling so lost myself. X

 

I signed up on this website months ago, but this is the first that I looked through the posts. My mom was my best friend and we also did everything together. She had knee surgery in July and was staying with me as I'm in a one level apartment and my parents' home has many stairs. She was at a PT appointment on Aug. 5th when she collapsed and she passed away Aug. 10th. I had the same questions. We were hoping that she would pull out of it, but when it became apparent, I hoped that she had "left" that Monday and that she didn't experience any of pain or discomfort being hooked up to all the machines. I still wonder where she went. I look for signs of her everywhere. We haven't done anything to her room and so I go and in there. I miss her so much. I knew how great she was, so I did appreciate that since there are so many people who don't have a good relationship with their mom, I just assumed that I would have her around for a long time yet.
I don't cry as often, but I still cry. I hope you're doing ok and know that there are others who know exactly what that sudden loss feels like.

 

I understand how you feel my mom past away one month ago today and she was my best friend and confidant I told her everything now I’m left with no one and I miss her so much.

 

I am so sorry. I know you hear that many times through out any day. It is really the worst though. I never truly knew about grief until I lost my mom. It’s a new and different world when you hit this level of grief. You are not alone. Not remotely. It’s good that you are reaching out. I’d like to say that it gets easier but it’s always been hard. I just cry less. I also appreciate more. But there was something that I read that resonates, is that grief is the price we pay for love. I would have done anything for her. Again, you are not alone

 

Thank you for sharing your story. My mother died suddenly on vacation in January this year. When my stepdad called and told me, I didn’t believe him. I knew it must be true but some days I still deny that she’s gone. I have asked all of the exact same questions you listed at the end of your post, among others. Our minds are trying to understand how we could lose someone so precious so quickly! I feel a deep searing pain in my chest most of the time and don’t have many people with whom I can share, simply because they don’t relate or unknowingly respond with things that make it feel worse. I am glad you’re here, reaching out for help. I feel a little less alone after reading this.

 

Once you're initiated into this dreadful club, its quite a surprise of how many people are going through their days feeling like this. And yes, those that have not experienced a loss like this.... there's really nothing to say to them because they won't understand until it happens to them. But you are certainly not alone. Much love and strength to you

 

Hi,
I have lost my mum a month ago, it was really sudden but I was told she didn't suffer at all. My mum was everything to me, I talked to her about everything and anything and even I live really far away we used to talk everyday for about an hour or so, sometimes about really random stuff. Most days It still doesn't feel real to my and I forget this happen but unfortunately something will come up orb ill see her photo and I'll remember.
My sister's and my dad have been amazing and keep calling me everyday since I'm the youngest. I was the closest to my mum and now she is gone I find myself alone even though I got lots of family that love me deeply and friends .

I want to talk about my mum more but I feel like I don't want to bother my sister cause I don't want to make their grief process difficult neither my father's.
I feel really guilty how I can move on and leave my life as easy as I'm doing it, makes me feel bad and like I have no respect for the passing of my mother , feel like I should be crying more but I also know that no amount of tears will bring her back. I feel awful not thinking about her every moment of the day but if I did I wouldn't stop crying and couldn't go on with the days.
Don't know how is the right way or wrong way to process what happened to me but I thought I'll post some of my feeling here and can find others that will relate

 

Hi there. Thank you for your post and I am saddened by your pain, although I also can relate. I lost my mom suddenly 3 months ago. Like you, my mom was my best friend. The sadness is crippling. I can relate to you saying that she was everything to you. I feel the same.

I would encourage you to talk about her to your family. Everyone is thinking about her and missing her, even if they are not saying it. You might consider starting with one family member and saying that you don't want to bother them or make them sad, but you imagine that they are also missing your mom and that you would like their support with taking more about her. You might be relieved to find out that they were thinking the same as you, kind of like not wanting to bring it all up. There is so much comfort in getting emotional support. Sometimes it is hard to ask for it, but you deserve comfort.

I'm hoping that you can offer yourself some compassion. There is no right way to grieve and it is all so messy. I have had all kinds of weird thoughts and wonderings since my mom died. Maybe this is normal? I don't know... but I do know that you deserve kindness and understanding and perhaps you can offer this to yourself right now. Easier said than done right? Sometimes when I have a thought that bothers me or I am worried that I am doing all of this "wrong" I just try to tell myself I am dealing with enormous tragedy right now and that all of my thoughts are not facts. I try to be kind to myself, because that is what my mom would want for me. I am certain yours would want you to go a bit easier on yourself.

Sending a hug,
Laura

 

I am new and trying to figure out how to use this stuff. My rely was to Melodie1252. But I am struck by reading through all of these stories and comments about all of you who have lost a mom.

I am not close to anyone who has lost a mom and now that I have lost mine 3 months ago I am devastated and desperate. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Reading them is painful and my heart aches, but I also feel less alone.

Hi there. Thank you for your post and I am saddened by your pain, although I also can relate. I lost my mom suddenly 3 months ago. Like you, my mom was my best friend. The sadness is crippling. I can relate to you saying that she was everything to you. I feel the same.

I would encourage you to talk about her to your family. Everyone is thinking about her and missing her, even if they are not saying it. You might consider starting with one family member and saying that you don't want to bother them or make them sad, but you imagine that they are also missing your mom and that you would like their support with taking more about her. You might be relieved to find out that they were thinking the same as you, kind of like not wanting to bring it all up. There is so much comfort in getting emotional support. Sometimes it is hard to ask for it, but you deserve comfort.

I'm hoping that you can offer yourself some compassion. There is no right way to grieve and it is all so messy. I have had all kinds of weird thoughts and wonderings since my mom died. Maybe this is normal? I don't know... but I do know that you deserve kindness and understanding and perhaps you can offer this to yourself right now. Easier said than done right? Sometimes when I have a thought that bothers me or I am worried that I am doing all of this "wrong" I just try to tell myself I am dealing with enormous tragedy right now and that all of my thoughts are not facts. I try to be kind to myself, because that is what my mom would want for me. I am certain yours would want you to go a bit easier on yourself.

Sending a hug,
Laura

 

Hi Laura,

Thank you so much for you post. I know I need to be more compassionate with myself and talk more with my family but I just think that if they found a way to move on with their grief who I'm I to reminded that we don't have a mother. Like I previously said I was the one most connected to my mum she was everything to me, and no favourites aside I know leaned on me cause I am the only one with partners or kids so worried about me.

I know I need to be kinder to myself because I have gone through a terrible situation, is just sometimes I feel my mum deserves me thinking about me more than I do now. Is just that if I'm always thinking about her I remember it's real and how much I need her and my sadness doesn't let me move on with my day.

Sorry if my writing is not the best but I do struggle sometimes to put what I feel into words or explain things in a way that makes sense.

 

Hi Melodie,
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings so much. Losing your mom is absolutely heartbreaking. I only have my Dad, as my only brother died when we were teenagers. It can be complicated to lean on family when they are grieving too or you are not sure what to say or if you should bring it up. I still encourage you to try sometimes as they are likely suffering as well and not knowing themselves should they bring it all up to you or not. I have leaned on a friend of mine sometimes rather than my Dad. And I grieve alone. It is all so hard an exhausting. Sending you a hug.
Laura

 

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Hi Melodie,
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings so much. Losing your mom is absolutely heartbreaking. I only have my Dad, as my only brother died when we were teenagers. It can be complicated to lean on family when they are grieving too or you are not sure what to say or if you should bring it up. I still encourage you to try sometimes as they are likely suffering as well and not knowing themselves should they bring it all up to you or not. I have leaned on a friend of mine sometimes rather than my Dad. And I grieve alone. It is all so hard an exhausting. Sending you a hug.
Laura

 

Hi Laura,
Thanks so very much for the advice and support so grateful that there is a place like where I can share how im feeling and see that what I do feel is not wrong and I'm not the only one.
Also glad to hear that you have support on a good friend, it's really important to have good friends around you.

Hugs,

Melodie