Lost my wife to cancer.

I think we are going to get a little relief from this heat tomorrow. That cool air is welcome here. That's funny how dogs react differently to water. Neither one of my dogs likes water but Luigi (my wife's dog) cries like a baby when he has to get a bath. Dixie on the other hand doesn't like the bath but it's much easier to get her in the tub. And that just goes to show you that people will buy ANYTHING! A shellacked weed. Go figure. I hope you have a great day John. Have some fun with those dogs today. I'm going to a rodeo at the end of this week that they have every year up north of here near my hunting camp. I've been taking my kids to this rodeo for 30 years now. And now my kids are taking their kids. We used to do this every year as a family. My wife used to love going. It's not the same without her. I remember the one year she couldn't go because she was in the hospital. My kids came to visit her in the hospital and told her they was going to skip going since she couldn't go. Well she got real mad and insisted they go even though her and I couldn't. It's a great time and we'll have fun but it's just not the same without her.

 

No relief for us, it was 103 again today so what do I do? I play in the sprinklers again with Jessi and Buster peeking out of the doggy door. I think I have my sprinklers all working now, but I think there will be more cooling off in the sprinklers ahead. I have not been to a rodeo in a long time, I use to go when I was younger and would attend the rodeo dances afterwards. That was a lot of fun. It’s good to hear that you are still going with the kids and grandkids, I bet it will be a lot of fun. It’s good to keep some normalcy. I know it won’t be the same without her but I hope you can smile with some good memories of your wife and the good times you guys would have at the rodeo and share those good memories with the family maybe they’ll have a good laugh or two.

 

John, I picked her up on Thursday Evening. It was a long weekend of pain med and making sure she stayed quiet. Not easy when she is feeling a little better each day. I am back to work today and she is home alone with very limited run of the house. Hopefully she will sleep most of the day. Thank you for asking. Have a wonderful day.

 

I'm glad she is back home with you and she progresses in her healing more every day.

 

I'm actually sitting at my desk at work and I'm having a hard time of it today; my wife is all I can think about. I have emails to go through, parts quotes to do, and a stack of paperwork that needs to be done. I tried to get started on some of it, got a little of it done but I just can't function today, I can't stay focused enough to do logical assessments. I'm fighting back the tears so no one walks in on me. It's one of those days where it hurts just too damn much to try and ignore it. But what am I to do? I pray for strength and peace and I receive it but today it just wasn't enough. I feel like going home but I would do the same if not worse there besides we are already a man down in my department. I will just cry if I need to cry and do as much work as I can. I am the boss so I do have a little leeway but I try to lead by example, so I try to stay strong.

 

Hi John, my name is Cathy. I'm new to this group and came across your post. I lost my husband April 3 to Bile duct cancer. My heart goes out to you

 

Thank you Kathy, My heart goes out to you also. I'm glad you found us. We are all people that know some of the feelings and emotions that you are going through.
This is a very hard road we travel but there are some people here that are good listeners and have some helpful advice. If you feel like talking you can talk to me or just about anyone here. If you need to just get it all out and write out what you feel; this is the place to do it. We are all in this same horrible club together, I'm glad there is a place like this because talking to people that have not experienced this can offer love but truly do not understand the depth of our sorrow. Again; my heart goes out to you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Thanks. I'm glad to know there is help. And don't be surprised if I just drop you a note or two. This is all new to me

 

It's nice to know that you aren't the only one. I know it can feel that way, even when your surrounded by the love of friends and family.
I come on here sometimes to just read and see how similar our emotional experiences are. Sometimes I just read and cry because I feel it too.

 

Yes, I have a great support group with my family and friends. But I feel its not enough. Because I don't understand what I'm going thru, how can I expect them to?! So I'm really hoping to get some help. I feel like I'm in limbo still! Its easier not to think about it, so I don't. Hence the reason I feel like I haven't accepted it. Does that make sense to you

 

Yes it is a type of limbo, I come home from work and my wife’s car is there but she is not, I go to bed and she is not there, I wake up in the morning and she is not there, so I usually lay there missing her and debating whether to go to work or not. It’s a whole different world than what I am used to. The acceptance is something each of us have to come to terms with for ourselves. I haven’t fully accepted it and probably won’t for a while yet. Stages of grief don’t come in an order, you can experience one or two or a lot at one time and because of that I’m sitting in the lobby of my grief counselor right now waiting to go in. We each deal with it differently but a lot of the emotions are the same. It sucks!! And always will!! I guess we just learn to get use to it in some ways and some ways not. I hear it gets easier through time and I hope so but it will always be with me. The counselor does help; maybe not for everyone but helps me keep some perspective of what’s happening to me.

 

You made sense to me, I hope my ramblings have made some sense to you.

 

Good morning. I hope you are having a good day. Mine started out slowly, but busy now. Yes, your ramblings make sense to me. I just don't even know where to start! I have had very few moments when I have even cried...
I don't understand it

 

I don’t understand it much either, maybe your in some kind of denial or a disassociation from the trauma to your psyche like in shock. It might be a good idea to be with family or maybe someone already lives with you. I am no professional psychologist or anything of the sort but I’m afraid that it all could come rushing at you at once and that would not be good on any level. I just think when the tears do come you might want someone there just to be with you. Or I am just full of BS and this is just your personality. But I seriously doubt that. The first place to maybe start is to go through your photo album and remember those moments of being together and just live in that moment, feel your love for him.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your wife, and how devastating it was and now continues to be for you. Just functioning is a big step with the loss you've had. Cancer is very cruel, indeed. I lost my husband to prostate cancer after 18 years of marriage - I understand how hard it is to watch them suffer and to feel your loss. My thoughts are with you - you aren't alone.

 

Thank you for your kind words. Yes it was very hard to watch her start fading. I slept on the recliner in her room for over a month because she was my beautiful wife, my soul mate and my best friend. I promised her I would never leave her side. I would not wish that experience on anyone. But I would not have missed it for the world even though it was the hardest time of my life besides now. I could at least hug her then and hear her say she loved me. You are right! Cancer is horrible. I do know how it feels as I suspect you very well know how it feels also. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a comfort to know we are not alone in this scary life we find ourselves in now.

 

Welcome Cathy, you have found a good place to talk to people going through exactly what you did, we all lost our loved one. Some recent and some a while ago. I lost my wife of 33 years in November of 2017. I've got a year and almost nine months and some days the grief is unbearable. I just cry. I let it out and move ahead. I know my wife wouldn't want me stuck in misery. I remindmyself that after every meltdown. My wife fought cancer for 13 years. People say stuff like "oh, so you were prepared" or " oh, so you were kind of expecting this". I never once gave up the hope that she would one day beat it. God had different plans. And now, I'm alone and grieving still at 58 years old. It's very difficult some days. You say to yourself, what do I have to live for?. That's when I think of my wife the battle she lost. She didn't want to die, she wanted to watch our children and grandchildren grow. So that's what I focus on. Getting to see our grandchildren take their first step and say their first words. And then I have her dog to take care of (he's a real pain in the ass) but I love him because she did. Look around every day and find something to be thankful for. That's what I do and it keep me going. Grief comes in all forms and at any time. Processing it is the hard part. Good luck to you and we are all here if you need someone to talk to.

 

Glad Cassie is doing well Didee. Have a great day

 

What you said about shock and trauma makes sense. I have never thought about it that way. my sister keeps telling me that I'm going to EXPLODE if I don't accept the loss. I can feel it coming...
Your advice on the pictures may just help. I know you are not a professional, just someone going thru the same kind of emotions I am...that helps so much because (unfortunately) you also have experienced a GREAT loss. I pray that we both get what we need.

 

Amanda, I hate you had to experience the devastating disease of cancer. Many good people have been lost to this disease. I will be glad to offer any and all help I possibly can