I just want to thank everyone for your posts, and while I hate the reason we are all here, this horrible common bond, I am grateful to have found this community. I lost my husband just one month ago, after a two year battle with kidney cancer. We were together for 12 years, married for 8 and half of those 12. He was 41, and while some of our doctors made it clear there was no hope, we chose to believe otherwise and I think that makes it even harder to accept the reality. Though I guess nothing makes it easy.
As far as support goes, my family and coworkers are sort of driving me crazy, they want to make sure I'm ok, of course I'm not ok! I feel like I have to put myself into fake mode, pretending to be who I was, to appear normal so they'll leave me alone, but it's exhausting, and like Kristy mentioned, I too fall apart on the way home from work or as soon as I get home and cry in his closet for a couple hours. So, I'm not sure if that's healthy, but what else can you do? I feel like people expect us to just get over our grief, like eventually it will go away. Like DJF said, there is no letting go. He was my best friend, he's still apart of who I am even though he's not here, even though everything is different now, our love will never change. Love is so strong, it doesn't stop when the other person is gone. I am staying busy, like constantly working on a project or housekeeping, but there is no satisfaction, I'm just an empty shell going through the motions.
I'll have to check out the books you guys mentioned earlier. I just got this one on audiobook, "
Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Loss" That may be a good way to go Kristy, find a good audiobook for your commute. When he was first diagnosed, I found "Elantris" by Bandon Sanderson on audiobook at our library, it's a fantasy novel with some excellent world building, and it was just a nice way to take a break from the harsh reality and get lost in the story, for a bit a least. I'm also joining a grief group that meets twice a month, I'm hoping that will help me let lose some of my pent up emotions that I am unwilling to share with my family. I have no close friends, it was just me and him and that's how we liked it. We didn't need anyone or anything, just each other. I can't believe I'm supposed to keep going in this world without him by my side. I'm 32 and everyone says, well, you're young, you'll find someone else and move on. I don't want to move on, I really just want the one person I can no longer have.
I do have my cat and two dogs (a mastiff and a beagle mix), and a box turtle. It's nice to have pets to take care of and to give me cuddles when needed, although the turtle is not very cuddly
Animals are so incredible, I feel like they understand me more than the humans do!
It feels good to type this up, thanks for letting me ramble. I hope everyone has at least a few good moments today.
-KB
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