It has been eight weeks since my beloved wife Mary died. It seems like only yesterday we were in hospice but yet it seems like for ever sense she died. The days are so long and lonely. We were together for almost 50 years and married for almost 47. Each day has been so difficult. Lately a question has been at the forefront of my grief every day. What is the purpose of my existence? I cry some every day. Today is one of those days that I have cried a lot. I wondered why I’m making the bed, why am I washing dishes, why am I here without her? This is not taking my mind off of all the issues of daily life, so I decided to do some yardwork. I was crying before I went out and then I was crying harder when I came back in. Why did I even go outside to make the yard look pretty? Why do I have this house and yard that used to be at home, but without Mary it’s not? Why should I bother going to work? All I do at work is think about her and how I would like to just talk to her! Why am I here without her !!!!! ?????
Woodman I'm a little more than 6 months into this journey and I ask my self some of the same questions. Just today I asked myself why I was folding the towels. Why don't I just leave them in the dryer and take one out when I need one. I do many tasks simply because it's something to do (I'm retired). Like it or not, life goes on and I might be around for another 20 years. My children and grand children enjoy me being around. Heck, I've even still get together with some of the folks I worked with. I can't turn the clock back (as much as I would like to). Only way to go is forward. I don't think the tears will ever completely go away and that's ok BUT things are better. There is absolutely no way to replace the loss of our spouses so finding some deep purpose in life likely won't happen. Funny, before this all happened, I never thought about a purpose - we simply enjoyed life. We both knew how precious life is and to just squander it away seems like slap in the face to my wife who didn't have a choice. So yea, with her in my heart and mind, I'm going to try to enjoy life for the both of us - as strange as that may seem. I planted flowers in the garden this year (and shed a few tears) because she enjoyed it and I enjoyed the beautiful yard. I wish you comfort on this journey and hope the healing begins soon.
I went for a walk today and thought of Mary. It was 72 degrees with a light breeze. She would have loved it!! So I cried on most of my walk...... I really don't understand why I am here. I am just a burden on everyone. I serve no purpose. I just don't know if I can make it. Everything is overwhelming. I try to do the house work and finances. All this for what???????????? Nothing makes any since to me.
I do know what you mean Woodman. I am always talking to my Sofia and remembrances of some great days we had to- gether, the day we married, our honeymoon place, the back room where we used to watch the honeymooners or the golden gurlz. I so miss the ' way we were'. How about getting involved with ur church. They might have a thrift shop that needs help.
I can certainly relate. I am almost 4 years out from losing Paul to Alzheimer's. While there were signs over 4 years, the reality is that he was diagnosed in January 2015 and passed in August 2015 - 10 short weeks in a healthcare facility. I've kept busy updating the house that he loved and working. Bus as retirement stares me in the face, I wonder how I will cope with "more time" on my hands, I belong to a book club, dapple in genealogy and care for my two Samoyed dogs . . . but it's not enough. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and wish he was here with me to enjoy the simplicity of daily life. BarbG
I know what you mean about missing your loved one. I think of my Mary every minute of every day. I’m still working, part time, but I don’t like it. I feel like I could spend my time better. After 10 weeks I am finally getting some sleep each night. That seems to help with a lot. I talk to my Mary all during the day. I want her here so badly that it makes me cry every day. There’s been a lot happening in the last few days that normally we would have discussed, but she’s not here. My purpose for remaining still eludes me.
Grief is the most challenging thing we have to face in life. People don't understand until they experience it. I talk to Paul daily, too.. It's very difficult to figure out life's purpose now, as you said. I'm glad you are finally getting some sleep; it does help a lot.
I talk to my dainty dearness every day as well and if she was going to get better, I would have been there every day for her. I would. have been so glad and lucky to have my Sofia back but that can now only happen with memories.
I understand Woodman, I lost my wife of eighteen years back on April 15th and I too have had the same thoughts you have of why am i mowing the lawn or taking care of things I just don’t care about anymore. She’s not here to enjoy it and I realized that most everything I did everyday in some way was for her. I am a man that loved my wife dearly so yes I also cry myself to sleep at night any it can just come on at anytime. So what do we do? I am only half a person now. When you find the answer, please share.
It's a tough road after the loss of a spouse. I know keeping busy is important, but many things have lost their meaning and pleasure. How do others keep busy? Has anyone found anything that is helpful to deal with grief or time on their hands?
I understand totally. I would give anything to have Paul back, especially as I look to retirement. I truly don't know how to "spend" my retirement years alone. While Alzheimer's is a dreadful disease, he moved through the stages so quickly that I could only function on his care one day at a time. He never knew what was happening to him - or at least, I don't think he did. Such a horrific thing to lose your mind.
I think we are all looking for answers to the questions, "How do I go on? How do I live my life now? Will I ever be happy again or find joy in life?"
As of right now the answer to all those questions is “no”, I can’t go on this way and I won’t. Nothing is the same without my wonderful Mary. She was my reason for living and now she’s gone.
The single word “JOY” is only an illusion for me now. What will it take to feel that experience again? only the good lord knows. I do hope and pray that we each can reach the emotion again!
Frankly I would love to love again but too afraid to grieve again. I know it is too early to think like this but it is a real feeling in my gut, that maybe this will be it for me, but even I can not say how I will feel after I have walked a good many miles down old railroad lines.
I understand. I would not want to experience this pain again either. However, it would be nice to have someone to do things with like share a cup of coffee or a meal or attend an event. None of us can replace the loved one we lost. Our deep grief is a sign of how much love we had for our spouse. I'm almost four years out, and I hurt like it was yesterday . . .
Yes my deep grief is from my deep love for my wife. I couldn't believe a woman as lovely as her married me. Maybe some day in the future there will be someone to share with again but it's not anytime soon. I still love my wife and always will. I still wear my wedding ring and hers as a pinky ring. She really didn't like wearing diamonds so she put them up a few years into our marriage and wore a gold nugget ring for her wedding ring which is what I'm wearing now as a pinky ring. I feel lost and lonely with out my wife and I know she gone but I keep putting my wedding ring on every morning, out of habit I suppose.
