Year Two More Difficult Than Year One

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by JackieA, Mar 28, 2018.

  1. JackieA

    JackieA New Member

    My husband will be gone for two years on April 4th, 2018. It is true about year one being the "Numb" year. You seem to go through the motions-day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Really-my children and grandchildren were the only reason I just did not give up.

    Now it is year two and it is holiday season. I could not do anything the previous year . I was lucky to get out of bed. I am pushing to make holiday this year. I am trying to get back into feeling better, but I am finding I
    cannot stop crying. I just cannot get back any joy into my life. I am still just going through the motions.

  2. Celeste3

    Celeste3 New Member

    Hi, Jackie, I feel the same. It will be 2 years in April for me as well. We were married for 41 years. The first year was “getting thru” things. I’ve read that the 2nd year is harder and boy is it. The loneliness is unbearable at times and find it so hard to accept that this is my life now
    Kathey likes this.
  3. JackieA

    JackieA New Member

    Hi Celeste-Thanks for your reply. I wish I had something encouraging to say to you, but I do not. I am trying everything I know ( therapist, friends, children,)
    to stay afloat. There are times the physical and emotional pain is overwhelming. It is hard to have hope. We were married for 40 years also. My thoughts are with you.
  4. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    To Jackie and Celeste....I have no magic words. My husband of more than 40 years has been gone 18 months and I go through the motions as well. I work part time, walk the dog and cook for a few people. Nothing makes me happy. I need a new purpose...not to be busier, just to do meaningful things. I have his smiling face on my screen saver and it maks me smile. I am paiently waiting to dream about him and be enveloped in his arms again. Accepting life as it seems impossible but I look around at the widows I know and they seem to be making something of their lives. They don't seem to cry all the time. They go out and smile and laugh and that is want I want to do, I don't feel it is wrong to be happy but I haven't found what that is yet. I am exploring volunteering on the dys I don't work. Much love to both of you and peace in your future. That is what we need...peace.
    griefic likes this.
  5. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Sheila, thank you so much for sharing and for your encouraging words. I believe strongly that a search for purpose is a very big but important goal after loss. Searching for happiness may go down a long and empty road, or two often we may find it taking us backwards as we say to ourselves, how can I ever really be happy again? But a search for purpose is very different. The focus is on fulfillment and finding a reason to wake up each day. Interestingly, the happiness seems to inevitably follow. Different of course, than the happiness before, but I find the grievers I work with report finding light and joy again (even if it takes a lot longer than they ever could have expected). We address the challenge of grieving in the second year in our blog: http://www.griefincommon.com/blog/grievinginthesecondyearafteraloss/, and also in the search for purpose: http://www.griefincommon.com/blog/finding-purpose-loss/.
    I hope they can be a help to you, and I'm so glad to have all of you here on our site. I hope you find the help and support you need. Please take care~
  6. My husband passed away 16 months ago from cancer. We did everything together, and spent much of our time and energy serving others and leading worship together. We also spent a lot of time with our kids and grandkids. Now I am trying to continue in the same position as worship leader without him, and it is very difficult. The songs make me miss him so much. Everything we do at church, I think about how he is mot here to do it with me, to sit by me and hold my hand as he did so often. But to think about doing anything else is equally as heart-wrenching! I have been seeking joy in my life with my whole being, trying to keep moving forward. But there are days that I just wish I could go join my husband!! I want to be here for my family, but at times the pain is unbearable. But I always remind myself that the sun will still come up tomorrow and it is a new day. And if I get too far down, I talk to my pastor who reminds me of the same. Or I spend time with my grandkids, who I love so very much! Yet, it encourages me to know that others struggle as I do, even validates me that I am completely normal and doing okay in my grieving. But I don't want to stay where I am, so i am seeking help from others who are on a similar path. Sometimes I fear I will feel like this forever. I don't want to be forever sad!
    griefic likes this.
  7. It will be two years in June that my husband has been gone. The loneliness is what is getting to me the most. I'm so tired of being alone, the silence, no one to talk to. I'm so sick of crying, and tonight I am just angry, angry that I have to live this way, my best friend gone and me left just missing him every single day. I try to be positive, push through, and find joy in life. But tonight I am losing that battle. I'm so tired of fighting off the pain.
  8. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Paula Kay, I'm so sorry for all that you're suffering. I often call loneliness the long lasting, lingering side effect of grief. No matter what else we think we can handle or cope with, how does one handle loneliness? And is there anything we can do about it? I've written a lot in our blogs (you'll find them under resources) but I'm thinking this one in particular may provide you some help today: https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/feeling-lonely-isolated-in-grief/. I hope it can provide some comfort. We are here to help, please let me know if more support is ever needed. Take care~