Year 2 and still struggling with grief over loosing my Mom

The holiday's this year seemed to be even harder than last year. My Mom's birthday is January 13 and she died on January 21, 2020 so it will be 2 years. I can't seem to overcome my grief nor find any type of joy, peace, or happiness. I get up, go to work everyday, and put on a fake smile for others pretending to be fine when I'm not. I wish January would disappear in the blink of an eye. I spent another New Year's Eve alone and it's the worst feeling in the world; for whatever reason I can't overcome the loneliness and void she has left in my heart and soul. I miss her everyday and sometimes I wish I was with her.

 

Dear TLC50, I am very sorry for the loss of you mom. It sounds like you were very close and shared a dear bond. The depth of our grieving is directly related to how much we were attached to someone. Just yesterday I read that 2 years after a loss can be the hardest for a lot of people, that's when the permanence really sets in. You miss so much more, and the numbness has worn off. Do you have ways of expressing your grief? From what I've been listening to and reading about it, it can be helpful to find some outlet like movement, writing, creativity or creating a memory book. These are the types of things I am going to get started with soon, I am only 4 months in and still quite in disbelief and dissociation but I am finding some stories of others in books and podcasts. It doesn't change my pain but it gives me inspiration of how others have come to live with their loss and honour their loved one. Perhaps by living their values fully. I am contining a bond with my partner by praying for him, writing letters to him, going to the burial site and talking to him. I do believe his soul is still near and that our connection can never die. That is what gets me through though it's difficult adjusting to this. And from the people that really know, grief really is something we will feel forever but it will transform in the way it feels. Sometimes it feels worse when we cannot express it, cannot be authentic to another about how much it hurts. So it's really good you can reach out here. Those days in January, can you celebrate her in some way, do you have someone you could do that with or honour her on your own? That's why I plan to do on those days which for me will be in the summer. Maybe this podcast can give you some comfort and understand like it did for me from two women who know grief very well: https://www.shapesofgrief.com/podcast/90c6zh7572kfbltvlmwnxrzu18h6sn So many podcasts on that show are amazing, there are also some specifically about losing a mother. Much warmth and comfort for you in this difficult month ahead, take care of your wounded heart.