Will I ever feel happiness again?

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Terri Lea, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I totally get all the posts I’m reading here. I feel all your pain, because I’m going through the exact same things. In one month and 8 days it will be a year since I lost the love of my life. I don’t understand how I’m still here and he is gone. He suffered a massive heart attack. Never had any signs of heart disease, 2 hours later he’s gone from my life forever. Been together 44 years married 42. We did everything together, so not one single thing is the same today. We ran a business together for 40 years. I had to close the business and empty our shop. I did have the help of my 2 children and family members thankfully. I miss going to work with him every day, I can’t run the business by myself and I suffer with rheumatoid arthritis making things even more difficult. He helped me with everything! I miss his companionship, our inside jokes, and when I wasn’t at work with him we texted constantly. Silly emojis, pictures of us having coffee same time but not together. Everything! I’m doing my best to stay busy, my house needs attention and I have a large yard that my husband Ron wouldn’t let me help maintain but it’s all up to me now, so those things keep me busy. My daughter is a God send. So helpful. My son is in Florida but he does his best to support me and I do for them as well. My support team is small. I’ve lost friends over this sadly. I’ve talked to people and said to them I’m trying hard but I take one day at a time. They’re response has been, really? Still? That hurts, but they don’t get it they still have their significant other. I have trouble sleeping like I’ve read in a few other posts from people. Night time is the worst. Like I mentioned, Ron did everything for me. He’d have a towel on the rack for me to use after showering, when I’d go to our bedroom he’d have the blankets pulled down and my pillows arranged to prop my arthritic joints. I saw on his phone that he was searching for a cruise to take me on for our upcoming anniversary. He was a saint and treated me like a queen. I miss him dearly, every minute of every day. I feel a piece of me is gone and just want to feel whole again. I fear that will never happen. We met when I was 16 and he was 19, been together ever since. I feel I don’t know how to act without him
  2. ksteve

    ksteve Active Member

    RLC. sounds like you had a wonderful hubby. Seems much of what you posted could be me as well. I too am coming up on one year - November 12th. My wife actually owned a business for 30 plus years which I helped when I retired. We sold the business in August and after training the new owners, we were done January 1. Middle of March my wife was diagnosed with leukemia (from chemo used to treat lymphoma 12 years earlier). She fought hard and made it through a stem cell transplant. We had a great summer last year. Just like that, the beast returned in October and she passed 30 days later. We had just put an offer on a house two weeks earlier. That was always both of our attitudes - look forward. The hardest thing for me is there is really nothing to look forward to. The best I can manage is what am I doing tomorrow. Staying busy is a godsend. I no longer rush to get things done but rather try to be perfect in things that I do. I decided to build a new house (contrary to advice about making financial decisions). I won't get into the details but for all the reasons we were going to move, those still applied to me. Funny how in the first couple of months your kind of in a state of shock. Than you get to the next stage where you pump yourself up and think you've convinced yourself that you can do this. The stage I'm in right now and much like you, there is a huge hole in my life. There is no "fixing" so I quit trying and just try to coexist with my grief. I just don't believe things will change in 2, 5, or 10 years. Get better - maybe. I guess what's important is that I've finally accepted the fact that I'll be going forward alone in the next chapter of "our" life. My final thought is why do I feel so guilty when I focus on "me"? So just maybe I will carve out a small piece of the future in the next year. I too have two wonderful kids along with grand kids and I promised my wife I would try to fill the "mom" and "grandma" shoes the best I can. Wishing you peace and a hopefully brighter future.
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    ksteve You’re right you’re story is so much like mine. Your post has me in tears. There are people out there that do understand what I feel or the numbness, whichever, they’re all the same. Awful! Thank you so much for sharing. I have anxiety going out and doing things. Just ran a few errands and I couldn’t wait to get back home. I have the guilt that you mention, it feels awful. I relive November 17 all the time. We had a beautiful day together. Prepping the yard for winter and bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner. Everyday stuff that I miss so much now. I made us a huge pot of chicken rice soup, we had dinner and were relaxing watching tv when he said he didn’t feel well. Like a stomach virus. Who knew that what he felt is common in men before a massive heart attack. That was 9:30 PM after being sick and throwing up he thought he was better but shortly after he was yelling in pain I learned it was his chest. The doctors tried so hard to save him but I lost him at 11:25 PM! Writing this I still can’t believe this happened. Our perfect life, gone. I like how you say you’re going forward alone in the next chapter of “our” life. That’s so how I feel. Love that! You’re wife sounds wonderful! Sounds like you had a great loving life together. I’m jealous that you have grandchildren. Wish I did too. I’m sure they’re like a God send, when you’re with them. That’s wonderful! My husband wouldn’t want me feeling this way, the guilt, the why am I still here and he’s not. We talked about these things and knew the one left behind would have a horrible time. I don’t think he would be doing better then I am emotionally but I do think he could do better with other things. I’m having a terrible time taking his name off things. Most things I’ve actually left alone. I’m not up to it. We planned to retire in 2020 and do some traveling and he was going to do the house repairs. Nothing huge but things that need attention, he did everything the house and yard needed. I just can’t do these things. It’s upsetting! I’m planning on having a little memorial get together on 11/17/19, I need him remembered for the wonderful husband dad, brother, business owner, provider,person that he was and always will be. Going to release those Chinese flying lanterns and talk about memories over dinner. Hopefully I’m up to this I might be an emotional mess but whatever I need to do something for him. Can’t thank you enough for your reply and kind wishes. Right now the thought of a brighter future seems crazy. Time will tell. We should both try to focus on ourselves. My daughter and I try to do that but doesn’t always go well. Continue to take care of yourself, I’m willing to bet your loving wife is there beside you as you’re going through this travesty. I feel Ron is with me too. Be well!