Wife recently passed away

Robin,
It’s so hard to know what to say when people say things like that. It’s that same multifaceted bittersweet thing, right? I can’t believe how unsupportive it feels but, at the same time I’m kind of glad they don’t know because it means they would have had to experience a significant loss. We’re just not as skilled at supporting grief in our culture. It sucks.
I had one of those ‘glimmers of light’ this morning when I stepped into the garden. It felt like the fairies had been at work overnight. I smiled and then I remembered who’s missing it. That’s my Life; without him. ~B

 

Robin, I just replied to your other post
about your obnoxious , unfeeling cousin.
There are days when we can give
ourselves " permission to mourn", as Tom
Zuba's book title says, and do NOTHING.
Some days,I'm in slow motion. In
Jonathan's The Widower's Notebook, he
talks about walking so slowly, he feels
like his legs are going through hardening
cement. Other days, I have pent up
energy. But, at my age, I've learned not
to run, or even walk too fast, bc I fell in
the street a couple times last year. You & I
should give ourselves a break, Robin.
We earned our retirement, and don't need
to answer to anyone. George needs to go
easy on himself, too. Lou

 

Thank you Lou, I pray I never run into her again. I haven’t spoken to her since that day. Actually she’s married to my cousin. I haven’t spoken to him either. And doubt I ever will. I get hot people don’t understand but that was too much. Too naïve! It takes time to have the love we all shared with our spouses. But when we lose them people expect us to be ok in such a short time. Back then I cried if someone looked at me. Let alone said cruel things. Sadly one day they’ll learn first hand. I don’t wish it on anyone, but it’s a fact of life.
Living my whole life on an island, boating and beaching and all nature are my healing places.
Thanks again, Robin

 

Bernadine, I'm finally getting better at not
feeling guilty that I can enjoy seeing the
sun shining on the ocean, without Linda
being physically by my side. I'm also
enjoying live music , with friends Linda
never knew, in a cafe, which didn't exist
when Linda was alive. The highest
compliment I can give to my friends,
is that Linda would've loved them, and
they would've loved Linda...... Lou

 

I’m so pleased you are able to be around live music, Lou. The energy of it is different from canned stuff. Kenn loved the garden last year. This year it’s richer, like live music maybe. ~B

 

Bernadine, that outing was one of my first by myself. As I approached the store I saw her and foolishly thought, there’s someone here who can support me on my first outing. But instead she hurt me. She doesn’t even know how hurtful that was. And made me leave and go home. I thought I could get a few things on my own. It didn’t turn out well. I’m happy to hear you’re experiencing glimmers of light here and there. Even if for only a moment. It’s also a glimmer of hope. My garden is a memorial garden. I have a couple rose bushes. A deer got in and ate all the beautiful yellow roses. And some of the bright pink ones. So devastating. All my other plants are ones deer stay away from. And I read that thorny plants keep them away. Guess my roses were too tempting. I’m putting up new fencing. And using deer deterrent spray.
So thankful for this site and that we have a place where we get support always. Robin

 

That cousin lives close and drives by my house regularly. When I’m outside I’ve learned to not look at the cars passing. We do need to give ourselves a break. But it’s hard when you miss your soulmate every second of every day.
I had rain all night and it’s a dreary wet day today. I worked way to hard in my yard yesterday and paying the price today. So I’m giving myself permission to sit and heal my joints. And do nothing. Walking through hardening cement, yup. Been there. Certainly not answering to anyone. That’s for sure. I don’t have to worry about walking to fast that’s for sure. But I do worry about falling. I’m careful. Robin

 

I’m sorry about the roses, that is devastating. I have an incredibly thorny climbing rose that I would, almost, take bets on being deer proof.
Has going out become easier, I imagine it may have been tainted by that first venture out on your own. ~B

 

Thank you, Bernadine. It started slowly
at home one morning. I played my
favorite blues song, Hootchie Cootchie
Man, sung by Muddy Waters. When he
sings, "don't mess with me", I take it to
heart. Like Karen , Deb, and I hope,
Robin, I don't take any crap. Linda would
be proud of me.......... Lou

 

Yes going out has become easier but it took quite a while to overcome that first outing by myself. I still don’t like to be out long and some days I still need to talk myself into running errands. But things have become easier for the most part. There are days I just don’t want to leave the house but I always try to at least get outside. Today, we’re having pouring rain, so might not make it out. I had given Ron a climbing rose for Father’s Day many years ago, I’m thankful the deer can’t get to it and ruin that one too. I have a camera in each part of my yard. In the morning I saw the deer in my garden but I couldn’t see that it ate all the roses until I got out there to check. Devastating. Gardening brings me peace, I believe you’ve said that gardening is good for you too. I picture Ron and I working on it together. He’d be so mad at the deer. Another deer almost killed a weeping maple I had given Ron. He was using the trunk to rub his antlers on it. Ron was working on protecting that tree earlier on the day he passed. The tree survived but doesn’t look like the tree I bought. I hope the deer stay away from your garden and yard. They’re beautiful but cause so much damage. Robin

 

Hello all!
Thank you a lot for all the replies, advise and just to be there.
My wife's name were Ronel, and I'm Charles.
English is not my 1st Language so pardon the punctuation
And from South Africa

Still loads of things going through my mind. What ifs. When she was in hospital, there was also a old lady +- 90 yrs. Why not her? But then I think that maybe her family might still need her for something. We don't have any support groups around here where I live and obviously people not experienced what I have and still do, do not feel the pain. If people ask me how I am doing or can they do something for me, I think "yes, please bring my wife back"
and now I am crying as our wedding song are playing

 

Charles, I'm so glad you were brave enough to stay with us on Grief in
Common, and to do honor to your
wife, Ronel, by saying her name. Your
English seems perfect to me. I took
French in high school , so I can make out
that language, when tourists from France
visit my small seaside art colony, on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. Right
now, you & Rose, from Italy , are the only
ones out of the U.S. I call us The
Grief Warriors ( TGW),bc we leave no
man or woman on the battlefield of grief.
We can welcome you, Charles, and help
you in your battle with "Mr. Grief",a
name which Karen, of California,
invented. You will have close friends
here, who understand your agony. There
is always a GW on here, allowing for the
time zone difference. Lou

 

Charles, Let me say again how sorry I am for the loss of your wife Ronel. I believe this site will help you in ways you wouldn’t expect. Everyone here understands your pain and what you’re going through. Your punctuation and English are just fine. Please don’t worry about that. You have enough going on. I understand your thoughts on the elderly woman. I see men that are obese and very out of shape and I think how are they still here and my Ron who was fit and very in shape be gone. I’m glad you have people in your life supporting you. You do need that. And your daughter and baby who visit. Your loss is so recent, try to take care of yourself, I know it’s hard. Music can be a trigger for crying. I still struggle with music. But crying is also cathartic. So let the tears flow. I’m happy you had the strength to visit this site. Visit often even if you don’t feel up to sharing. Wishing you peace and strength. Robin

 

Charles. I agree with every word that
Robin just posted to you . Her husband ,
Ron, died about the same time my wife,
Linda did, about 3 & a half years ago. We
have become very close. I am also close
with my 3 younger brothers here: Gary,
from Indiana, George, from Illinois, and
Chad, from Texas. I want to welcome you
to our brotherhood.I was welcomed by
Patti, in South Carolina, and Karen, in
California. Since then , I've also become
close to Deb & Helena in S.C. , Bernadine ,
in Oregon, Nicole in Georgia, and other
widows, some with children, on summer
vacation. Not sure if all these states mean
much to you. Have you ever been to the
United States? Lou