Wife recently passed away

Valerie died 14 months ago now. It is harder now than at any other time since then. Thanks for listening!

 

Ron and I sure had a lot of love in our life together. Sadly we’re not growing old together. He’s with me. I feel his presence. But not growing old together in the sense we talked about and wanted. Thank you for sharing your friends experience. I believe there’s an afterlife. What’s it all about Alfie? Thank you for sharing that too Lou. Robin

 

Karen,
I find I’m short with people too. I kind of don’t care what anyone thinks. Nothing can hurt me any more then I’m already feeling, so I say what I’m thinking. I’m definitely not the same person I was before. Where’s that happy loving life person? Half of me is gone. The mirror image seems to reflect that. I tell my kids all the time that Dad wouldn’t even recognize me. They say, Dad could pick you out with his eyes closed. They’re right. But life without our person sure is hard. People think that time heals. I think we learn to live with the loss and get stronger. Time sometimes makes me feel worse. It’s been too long, it’s time for Ron to come home. I know many feel that way if not all. Missing Ron extra lately, it’s time he came home. We’re all in this together. Robin

 

Karen , one of the reasons I love you , is
you have no filter, and have a WTF
attitude. Lou

 

It's

 

George I don’t know if telling you I was not in a good place at all at 14 months helps you any but I was miserable. I didn’t want to do anything and didn’t do anything. Sat pretty much all day. I did force myself to get fresh air. I understand, we all do. I’m happy to see you keep checking in. Don’t give up George. ❤️ Robin

 

George, I'll go one step further than
Robin. At the 2 year anniversary of
Linda's death,in Nov, 2020, I was in a
bad way. As I told Karen, & other GW,
I was drinking more, staying out later,
losing sleep, &getting more depressed.
My grief counselor suggested I give up
drinking. I did,& I sleep better, & feel
better physically. But , like all TGW,
have to take "one day at a time", wbich is,
ironically one of the watchwords of AA.
, Lou

 

So very sorry for loss of you’re beloved wife.
No one can begin to understand, unless one
has lost their Dear wife, husband, or partner.
GIC has been a blessing to me.
Lifted you in prayer.
Blessings, Patti

 

George my Wednesday Art Pal, In two days the 23th will be five months since Geoff left me ALONE, it's very hard we lost our partners, I was married for fifty years, no children. I'm learning to live on my own trying to knowing myself, yes it's very very hard, think about yourself, your art that is unique beautiful and also you are helping all TGW to heal, they always enjoy seeing your art and my pen and ink plus keeps us going and I think tomorrow is Wednesday, at least my sadness goes for awhile. I probably appeared that I'm strong, every day I'm fighting it's not easy George, but we are here in this beautiful world, I hope you feel better soon. Sending you peace, love and more peace. Helena

 

Helena, as I've said before, you are a
true inspiration, not just on Wed, but
every day. It is startling that you and
Geoff were married twice as long as
Linda & I were. We also had no children ,
which makes it lonelier for us. We just
have to enjoy the moment, & live day by
day. Lou

 

Hey hru? Its been in the high 90's here. O don't be wanting to.move at all but normally do so.in the afternoon for.my kids. Thats cute that you thought the fireworks were for you as a kid. I understand wanting your birthdays to be over its definitely not the same without your love. I just be wanting to skip them all together. Thats nice that the family gave you a party. I hope you do something nice this year. Mines was June 10. I went to lunch with a few friends and did dinner with the kids. Hope u had a nice day.

 

Thank you for your words Karen, yes, like you say, it is scary, it's like having an identity crisis, so many strange feelings we've never experienced before. I am what I am thanks to my C, I look at my two grownup kids and think sadly that I'm not the same mother that I was before, I can't be, without their father bedside me. We formed a special union, going through good and bad situations together, giving each other strength, I also seem to talk to people in a different way, not caring about what I say or what they think.
This is a double loss, I haven't just lost him, I've lost myself too. I spend a lot of time lately doing jobs outside on our property, that my C would have done, obviously so much will be left undone. I get satisfaction from this, I'm helping him, talking to him all the time and wondering if he approves the way I'm trying to keep our place looking decent and in order.
Thank you for listening, take care and wishing you strength. So glad to have this safe place where you are all so warm and understanding. I always think of you all.
Rose

 

Robin, that phrase "it's time he came home" really touched me and moved me to tears, that really says it all, and what a lovely phrase your kids said to you. More time passes and the worse it gets, When others ask me "how long has it been?", I tend not to answer and change the subject, because for me it's only just happened, everyday is that day when my life was turned upside down, when I stopped 'living'.
I understand how you're feeling, sharing my thoughts with you all here does make this agony more tolerable, it's absolutely impossible to talk to friends and relatives who haven't gone through the same grief. They just don't know what to say or say wrong and hurtful things (obviously not intentionally) and I prefer not to talk at all, as I end up feeling even worse. I can only pour my heart out here, where we all speak the same 'language', the language of someone feeling lost trying to find their way through this dark forest full of obstacles.

All the best to you, take care.
Rose.

 

Nicole, happy to see you & Rose ( with a
LIKE from Patti) on here . As usual, lights out at 10pm. My meds , plus a lot of walking, put me to sleep. When I wake up,
briefly in the middle of night, I'm curious
about who's awake, and if I got any replies.
Thank you, Nicole. Happy Belated Birthday.
Your celebrations sounded fun. I'm sleepy,
so I'll answer Rose in the morning, over
coffee. Keep your cool, in more ways than one. Lou

 

Rose, I used to feel like you do, that the only people with whom I wanted to talk about Linda, and Linda's death, were TGW
on GIC. That has changed dramatically for
me, bc I've been putting myself out there.
It started with my grief counselor, soon
after Linda's shocking, sudden collapse in
front of me, and her death soon after. When I sat down on a couch, across from
my therapist in her home, I insisted on
using Linda's name instead of just saying
"my wife" . All I did was cry in the
beginning. Gradually, the counselor got me
to read 2 books, and she suggested GIC.
After I finally joined last July, I recommended these books to TGW, and
even invented the term, TGW. As I've said
here before, I walked into the local
American Legion Post, not knowing a
a soul. I was nervous & broken. There
was an open house coffee, but I'm not a
veteran. I felt all eyes staring at me. I
went over to the oldest man there, a
Korean War veteran, with a kind face.
I quietly told him I wasn't a veteran, & he
said it didn't matter, and he wanted me to
sit with him. As we talked, he told me that
his wife of 67 years had recently died.
He said that he talked to her framed photo
every morning. He said people thought he
was "nuts" but he didn't care. I held back
my tears, while we exchanged stories about our wives. He has become a good
friend. After him, I noticed that other veterans, including one Vietnam vet my
age, also lost their wives . They have
become my friends , too, and I've gone
to the coffees every Sat morning , for
3 years. We talk about everything, and
even have a few laughs. Some of these
brave guys were wounded in battle , and
still have nightmares. I told them I had a
form of PTSD , seeing my wife collapse, as
I watched, helplessly, but couldn't imagine
the horrors they went through. Lou

 

Rose, Thank you for your response. I keep thinking Ron needs to be here with me. Taking care of each other. Going through and enjoying life together. Instead of just trying to get through each day and trying to manage this big yard like he did. Ron didn’t let me do much yard work. He was worried about my joints. Now it’s all on me, not just maintaining the flowers. I enjoy working outside but it is a lot to manage on my own.
I mainly keep my thoughts to myself too. Others just make me feel worse. About 4 or 5 months after Ron passed I ran into a cousin. She asked how I was doing, I said I’m trying to manage. She answered that’s all just managing? She also had the audacity to ask, now that your business is closed what do you do all day? I looked at her and said I have plenty to do. Little does she know it’s a job just to get out of bed in the morning. I then went back to my car. Cried my eyes out and never went in the store I got myself home. Where it’s safe. My home is my safe place even if it doesn’t feel like a home any more. It’s safe and I feel Rons presence. Ron worshiped the ground I walked on. As I’m sure C did for you. I miss that love. Unconditional love. Our kids saw our love first hand. And they are right. Ron could find me with his eyes closed. Rose is does get harder with time. But in some ways things become a little less like a nightmare. I think it was Karen who asked if anyone ever gets a glimmer of light of things feeling better. And I shared with her that yes I have those specks of light from time to time. Where things just feel normal, not wonderful but where I can go in a store and pick up things and it just feels normal. We need to be easy on ourselves take care of ourselves. All of our spouses would want that for us. It’s hard to get there. Ron had told me when it’s his time I shouldn’t waste time mourning him and to put him in a shoebox and live life to its fullest. I told him I’d try my best but there will be mourning and no shoebox. I told him I’d have to do what I need to do try to keep going. I told him similar things. About when it’s my time. I’ve now said those things to my kids. I’m glad we had those conversations so many years ago.
Trying to find our way through a dark forest full of obstacles is a perfect way to say how this feels. I’ve said, ups and downs, mountains and valleys, twists and turns, and many others things. I like your dark forest full of obstacles.
Take care Rose and keep pushing through the dark forest. Robin

 

Every day I force myself to DO SOMETHING. Thanks for all the encouragement!

 

I know you do George. For me sometimes the do something was get out of bed, feed Teddy and brush my teeth. To someone not going through this nightmare that’s nothing. To me, it took all day. I still have days where I can’t “do” anything until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I often wonder how my Mom got through when my Dad passed. No internet or cell phones. I guess we all manage with what’s available. I’d say my Mom did awesome. Im still so proud of her and miss her. I was with her a lot and pray all I did for her was helpful and enough. One moment, one day at a time George. Robin

 

Robin, let me speak for feisty Linda, who
didn't take any crap. Your cousin is an
insensitive jerk. Please cut her loose.
People like that don't understand that
somedays, we just need to stare into
space and think of our soulmates. If we
can, we will do that outside in nature.
We all cry, but we shouldn't let a**holes
make us cry. Lou