Wife recently passed away

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by CWMe, Jun 18, 2022.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, the fact is that I'm glad I can look
    in the mirror now. and like the way I
    look. I used to be sad when I was wearing
    shirts which Linda had ordered for me,
    from catalogs, but now I proudly
    wear them,bc Linda had good taste and
    liked it when I was "color coordinated".
    After Linda died, I cancelled all of our
    catalogs & magazine subscriptions. If I
    need any clothes, I walk to my friendly
    clothing store, instead of taking a bus
    to the busy mall. Both Linda & I hated
    the noisy, crowded mall. When Linda had
    to use a cane, then a walker, she didn't
    want to go to the mall anymore, and
    started ordering our clothes through
    catalogs. One thing you started doing
    after C died, was to listen to, and even
    play music. This amazed me, bc many of
    TGW could not , without sobbing ,including
    me. Some still can't. Like you, I couldn't
    watch comedies, especially the ones
    which Linda & I watched together. One
    day, I caught a glimpse of an episode of a
    sitcom, & I laughed. That broke the ice,
    and I've been able to laugh more since.
    The same goes for music. I couldn't stand
    the silence anymore, & played a blues
    song on my Smart Phone, and was hooked.
    As I've said. Rose, we will never "get over"
    the deaths of our soulmates, but it DOES
    get better. I'm so glad you're still with us
    on GIC. Lou
    Rose69 likes this.
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I wish I lived closer to you so I could give you a giant hug, but since it isn't happening, sending you the very BIGGEST!!! virtual hug... It breaks my heart, knowing how much pain you're in, that there is nothing that any of us can do, except be to "listen," give you a virtual shoulder to lean on, and send zillions of virtual hugs.

    While I can watch comedies again, they help me preserve whatever little sanity I have left, I still can't listen to music, go to restaurants or places that Bob and I enjoyed together. I live a short drive from beautiful beaches. I love the ocean. It's my very favorite place on earth. It was Bob's very favorite place on earth too. I thought by now I would be able to go to the beach, but Mr. Grief continues to set up all kinds of hurdles and barricades, leaving me in tears, unable to enjoy a day at the beach without Bob...

    My widow brain is super foggy this morning, so I'm not sure if you exercise regularly, or even if you're able to. I find taking long walks, being outside, enjoying all the beauty God has created, is one of the very best ways for me to gain the necessary strength to kick the F*CK out of Mr. Grief. Even if lack of sleep makes the thought of taking long walks unappealing, or if there are medical reasons why you can't exercise, as Robin often says, try to get outside, breathe in all that fresh air, soak up that sunshine. A change of environment can sometimes work wonders for me.

    Have you tried an in person support group? Once again, I'm dealing with that foggy widow brain to the max this morning, so if this is something you've already tried, just ignore the rest of this paragraph. If you try one, the medical social worker who ran the group I used to attend, said to always go to a couple of meetings. If after a couple of meetings, the group isn't a good fit for you, move on, try another one, until you find one that works. I'm thinking you might make a friend going through similar circumstances to your own. Although I love!!! TGW, and feel so fortunate to be a part of this very caring, wonderful group, there is nothing like being able to talk to a friend over coffee, lunch or dinner.

    I don't think I would be doing as well as I'm doing now if it wasn't for TGW, but also for my friend who became a widow a little over a year before I did. I can't even begin to describe how close we've become, the very best of friends. It helps more than I can ever express in words, to have a friend who you can hang out with, who totally "gets" what you're going though, who you can cry in front of one moment, and laugh the next, and not have her thinking you've lost it, have finally become totally unglued. I know you tend to be a private person, but everybody needs at least one friend like the one I have, who lives nearby. Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. Like all of TGW, I'll be here for you no matter what choices you make.

    Backing up a bit, I'm very glad your two adult children live with you. While my children have been wonderful, providing me with endless support, they live very far away from me. I wish at least one of them lived nearby. I hope in time, you and your children will be able to open up to each other more, share more of the pain you're experiencing. I think this would help all of you as you continue to heal.

    YES!!!, I said this to you before, but I'm saying it again, you ARE!!! healing even though you don't think you are. You are a true GW!!! Together and with the help of our GIC "family" we will rebuild our shattered lives.

    I enjoyed a long walk this morning. It wasn't as hot and humid as it's been, plenty of sunshine, and breezy, Mother Nature's air conditioning... However, I stink!!!, lol... Need a shower... So stopping here.

    I just kicked the F*CK!!! out of Mr. Grief for you. Hope I managed to knock him unconscious for awhile.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, if by some miracle, I were ever to
    meet you, or any other GW, I believe we
    would hug for 10 minutes, wordlessly,
    with tears running down our faces. I
    feel so much pent up emotion inside.
    Father's Day means nothing to me,
    bc my father proved to be a bitter
    disappointment when Linda came into
    my life. He & my mother did not share
    in our love & happiness, and we shut
    them out of our very small wedding, and
    did not attend their funerals, or those of
    Linda's parents, equally toxic. Music can be
    a double edged sword for me. Because of
    my manic depression, I never know how I
    will react to a particular song. Yesterday,
    I belted out That's Life and My Way, along
    with Sinatra's stirring voice on my Smart
    Phone. Today, the same songs brought me
    heartache, and intense longing for Linda.
    I asked aloud, " Linda, why did you
    leave me? Someday we will be together
    again......." Lou
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  4. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lou, sorry to hear about your non-existant relationships with both yours and Linda's parents, unfortunately these family issues do happen at times. The important thing is that you have both had twentyfive wonderful years together and these cherished memories will help you along this sad path we're all having to struggle along.
    The other day I was following a piano tutorial on how to play "My Way", I'm trying to make it perfect. Reminds me of my C so much. He always made the right decisions, could always distinguish right from wrong, solved any problems. Actually, I meant to say (in an earlier post), that for some unexplainable reason, I can handle playing and singing, but I cannot just sit passively and listen to music, that still hurts too much.
    All the best to you.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  5. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Deb,luckily I live out in the country, surrounded by beautiful hills and near the mountains, so especially now in this warm weather, I can spend a lot of time outside, doing odd jobs on our property (even if it's getting a bit too hot now, soon we will have to be barricaded inside, only being able to go out early mornings/evenings). You're right, fresh air does help the mind, and also being surrounded by all this beautiful nature, away from bustling traffic and city noise. The only flaw is the mosquitos, but I have my special repellent to stay away from their bites.
    I don't know what I'd do if didn't live here (although I was born and grew up in London, one of the most chaotic cities in the world). We moved here when we married, kids have grown up here, we're only a fifteen-minute drive from the nearest town. I've grown so fond of this place, would never leave it. It's tough now, keeping our land in order, my husband did everything himself, now it's so hurtful having to call others to do all those heavy jobs that I couldn't possibly do, like driving a tractor and chopping down trees for firewood.
    We don't have any support groups in our area, but I don't think I would be ready yet for face to face confrontation, I've only just been able to sign in on this great site now, after a year and a half. I wouldn't have been ready before. I'm still finding it hard to open up, even within our family, it's as if it would be like 'admitting' to our tragic unexpected loss, making it 'real', seems silly, but it's how I feel. Though, you are all being a great help to me here. Glad I found you.
    Happy to hear you have a good friend you can meet up with, like you say, it seems now we can only get on with people who have gone through the same grief as us.
    How lovely that you live just a few minutes from the ocean, there is nothing better than walking along the sea promenades, breathing it that fantastic sea air. Takes us at least an hour and a half to get to the nearest coastline, surely I will never be able to do that anymore, without my beloved. My C and I have always agreed that our place would be perfect if it was a bit nearer to the sea.
    Sending you too, a virtual hug,and take care.
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, you remind me of the Diane Lane
    character in the movie, Under the Tuscan
    Sun. Did you see that? After a divorce, she
    finds a beautiful place in the country, but
    she needs help bc her house & land
    require a lot of work. It's a romantic
    comedy,so if you didn't see it, it might not
    be right for you right now. Linda and I
    were unhappy with where we lived, and
    the "chaotic" city, and dreamed of renting
    a cottage in Tuscany for a year. Linda had
    traveled to Europe, with friends, in her
    20s, but I never did. I did spend 3 weeks
    in Israel right before I met Linda. I wish we
    could've gone together. I'm glad to see you
    on here, Rose. I woke up before 2am, with
    a headache. I think it's from atmospheric
    pressure. I had a long talk with a young
    woman. 35, from Spain, today. She is
    a friend of one of the cafe owners. She
    has beautiful dark eyes, black hair, and a
    radiant smile . I wasn't flirting with her,
    bc I'm old enough to be her father. She
    is trying to adjust to living here. She loves
    music, and is working at the cafe. She is an
    old soul, and very kind, so I told her about
    Linda. I told her that I didn't want to get
    married again, but If I were to have
    a relationship, I would like the woman to
    have her own place, bc I like my quiet and
    freedom. She felt the same way. As I gazed
    into her eyes, I said I hoped she would
    meet a soulmate, and that if I got involved
    with a woman, I would like her to be
    like an older version of her, and she
    smiled, and touched my arm. Lou
    Rose69 likes this.
  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    One day at lunch at the cafe, I requested
    a song, sung by Sinatra, from my other
    friend , who was playing a keyboard
    piano. I've mentioned it here before:
    Cycles . It is a slow, sad ballad. I couldn't
    listen to it, without sobbing, after Linda
    died.but now Ican, along with other
    music. I can't imagine life without this
    cafe, or another one like it. I liked your
    description to Deb about your life in the country, and just commented on it. Lou
    Rose69 likes this.
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, great to see you comforting my
    middle of night friend, Rose, who plays
    piano. I wish I could hear her play. As
    you know, music at the cafe has become
    central to my life, & good for my soul. I'm slowly losing the guilt that Linda didn't
    know this cafe, or meet my friends, who
    came into my life after she died. Lou
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  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m happy for you that you’re having less guilt. We know we never should feel that guilt but it can’t be helped. We do it to ourselves. I’m happy for you that you continue to make process. Only people who go through such a loss can understand.
    We got devastating news, some idiot drove on the dunes where it’s clearly marked to stay off and where the plovers are nesting on our beach. The outer beach is now closed until further notice. It’s been 3 weeks. We’re thinking it will remain closed until August when the plovers are mature enough and when the whole beach normally opens again. We’re researching and hoping to find another beach. But this makes me so sad. No beach days for quite a while. I miss it already. I know you understand how this is affecting me. Robin
  11. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Humans and Plovers should both be able to enjoy the land and beach...
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, that's awful. Inconsiderate
    "turds" , as Linda angrily called them,
    ruin it for the rest of us. I hated when
    lifeguards had to close beaches due to
    pollution. Hope you find another beach
    soon, even if your daughter has to drive
    a distance away. Keep us posted. Lou
    RLC likes this.
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you George! I couldn’t agree with you more.
    eyepilot13 likes this.
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hey I love you calling these inconsiderate annoyances, “turds” I’ll be sharing that with my daughter. The beach is my healing place. I hoped they wouldn’t stay closed. Keep hoping they reopen and add more patrols. But I’m guessing this happened when the beach was closed. So add more security. So many people payed for passes and we’re getting nothing. We’ll we can try to find a different beach and that’s our hope. We tried one last year and it was a nightmare. And I’d have to walk really far to get the beach. Couldn’t drive on the beach. I agree on pollution closing beaches. What’s wrong with people? I’ll keep you posted for sure. Robin
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, Linda was in an almost constant
    state of bitterness & anger at the stupid.
    & worse, evil people of the world. She
    was a Libra, the scales of justice, and
    would often get into confrontations,
    much to my dismay. I'm Cancer, the
    crab. I love the beach & the water. At the
    sign of trouble, I seek refuge & serenity.
    Putting heredity aside, my positive
    attitude has helped me to live longer than
    poor Linda. Lou
  16. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Hey Lou how are you? I see you say you're a Cancer that means you have a bday coming up. When is it? Whats are your plans? My brother is a Cancer and so was my mother.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Nicole, just woke up at my usual 6am, to
    embrace the day. Unlike other parts of the
    country, we're blessed with high 60s to
    70s , sunny temps right now, so I'm in a
    good mood. I love June & July. I was born
    on a hot Fourth of July. When I was a little
    boy, I thought the parades & fireworks
    were for me. Linda liked to celebrate our
    birthdays by going out to dinner. We
    loved her birthday month of October, bc
    the sun would shine on the yellow, orange,
    and red leaves of the trees. After Linda
    died, I just wanted our birthdays to be over. Gradually, I changed my views.I did
    an informal celebration of life, with friends, ( who didn't know Linda), and
    raised a glass as a toast to her. Even though
    I had to give up drinking, due to depression, my friends drank , & I felt
    that Linda was smiling over the attention.
    Last year, the family who "adopted"me
    ( who also never met Linda), had a private
    party for me on the Fourth. I was moved,
    and felt special. Thanks so much for asking, Nicole. When is your birthday? Lou
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  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Lou, I can understand Linda’s way of thinking. But I also believe a positive attitude goes a long way. Ron always believed that people who had love in their life and were in loving marriages or relationships lived a longer life. I believed that too and we were sure we’d be together forever and grow very old together. Sadly that’s not how it worked out. Many times I think how is the “healthy” one gone and I’m here’s struggling with everything. But he wasn’t healthy, he sure seemed it though. Stronger then men half his age. We just never know. The battery in his truck needed a jump over the weekend. Used my daughters Jeep. Then her Jeep wouldn’t start. None of this would happen if Ron was here. My older brother came and helped 2 women who were pretty emotional. I guess you can tell, I’m really missing Ron. I’ll get busy doing things I shouldn’t be doing and I’ll get fresh air and turn things around. Robin
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, Ron was right. As I told Karen, I have a friend who had a near death
    experience, & saw that there is an
    afterlife. Right before he regained
    consciousness,he discovered that the
    meaning of life is love.When Linda
    became ill, she would ruefully sing the
    song, "What's it all about, Alfie?"..... Lou
    Rose69 likes this.
  20. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Rose, it's normal. I think all of us especially who have not passed the third mark or maybe any mark to feel like a different person that we don't like or know. I'm there at 17 months now. I really don't recognize who I am. 40 years with my hubby as one as you say and now as a single person who is struggling with, "Who am I'? Things come out of my mouth that never would of if Jack and I were together. I think it stems from anger he's not here and I really don't care what I say to anyone or how they take it. In a way, it's scary not knowing what we will become. Ok, enough just to let you know you are not alone. K
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