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Why me and my husband

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Julie Comet, Sep 8, 2018.

  1. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your husband. I think it is very common to have people around right when someone dies, but then feel like they forget about you after that. My mother died suddenly at the beginning of May. Many friends and relatives called, came by and sent letters initially. After a while, most of that stopped. There are still some cousins who will call regularly, but it's nowhere near what it was. I also think you are correct in saying that it has something to do with us withdrawing. It's a sort of an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. In any case, I hope you find this site helpful.
     
    LindaH likes this.
  2. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My dad passed away when I was 8 years old, from a battle with cancer. My step dad passed away when I was in my 20s, suddenly. Sudden deaths are hard to deal with, but I would not wish the suffering my dad dealt with on anyone. I thank God everyday for taking my husband suddenly, if he had to wreck and had to die, at least he didn't suffer.
     
  3. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I can’t even imagine! Thank you for all of your kind words and I hope you know I understand completely.
     
  4. Donna Pioli

    Donna Pioli Member

     
  5. Donna Pioli

    Donna Pioli Member

    I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband suddenly and at such a young age. This must be very hard for you.
    Ironically I used to work at a hospital and part of what I did was minister to those in grief,! I can’t believe how little I knew until it happened to me. There are a few things that have helped me. One of them is journaling. When I was looking thru his things, I found his journal. I knew he had it but had forgotten about it. He had used it but not for very long. I decided
    That I would start using it. When I write in it I talk to him. It helps me not to feel so abandoned and alone. And, like a lot of people, I try to keep busy, but sometimes I just can’t and I mostly just sit in my chair and cry!
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers, Donna
     
  6. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

     
  7. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

    Donna, how long ago did you lose your husband? It’s hard because everyone around me wants to understand but unless you’ve been through it, you can’t, I get that and I get that those around can’t possibly understand but it’s hard being alone. It’s hard feeling like I am the only one that misses him because everyone else is too scared or whatever to talk about him.
     
  8. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I think non griev e rs don't hang around because they are a fra i d of making us sad. They also feel vulnerable to the same thing happenin g - a loved one dying - and we just remind them of t h i s possibility. I have lost two partn e rs in 18 ye a rs, one in 2000 and t he other 9 weeks ago. That has been my experience.

    I h a ve found that therapists, support g r oups and people w ho h a v e the same loss in t h e past are the best peop l e to talk ti. No one e lse unders t ands until they h a v e been through it
     
  9. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I'm finding people are beginning to feel a little more comfortable when I share a fond memory, something that I can smile or laugh about. I know the people that love me hurt for me and don't know how to ease the pain, so they avoid the pain. When I share a fond memory, they are happy to see me remembering him without the pain, so they share the moment thinking that I'm healing. I never realized the the person grieving had to worry so much about other people's feelings instead of the other way around.
     
  10. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    People are uncomfortable with death. I an hoping I can get to the point of fond memories. Ri g ht now I cry.
     
  11. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I cry A LOT after they walk away.
     
  12. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    Crying is healing in grief. I remember when my mom was dying of early onset Alzheimer's when I was in my early 20s. I would just drice and cry both before and after she died. It was the only way to release grief. That and therapy. In those days there was no support groups for AZ.

    Non grievers don't know what we're going through; only other grievers do. That is where you will find love and acceptance. Like on this online site. But face to face is better
     
    CarolC likes this.
  13. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I put his clothes away during my numbing period before I really felt the pain of his loss. I just put them all in the garage. Then to r e mind me of him, I took two open bookcases and displayed all his Native American art and artifacts around his ashes. This is in a prominent corner of the living room. I took his warrior s tatue and put it in the entryway. Then I bought a bunch of picture fr a mes and put his picture everywhere. It is beautiful
     
  14. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

     
  15. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

    I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I understand the people leaving. I have my family and they have been great but nobody truly understands. I lost my sister and my husband within 7 months of each other. I only have one other sister so I feel stuck. I just want to go but I can’t do that to my parents. I feel bad for feeling that way but my life is awful and I’m just tired of it. I feel like my husband and sister got the easy way out, as bad as that sounds.
     
  16. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

     
  17. Julie Comet

    Julie Comet Member

    I used to journal a lot when I was younger but that has gotten away from me. You never said what happened to you. We had a very rocky relationship but I still wonder if I took him to the right place and if they diagnosed him properly. As hard as our relationship was I never wanted this, I never wanted to see him like that. I guess I’m just looking for others who can relate because all of my “friends” have checked out, for the most part. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too hard for them or what but I feel so alone.
     
  18. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I can relate because other than Facebook and a couple of friends, no one asks about Robert. However, unlike you, I have NO family left. (First partner, sister and father all passed in 1999 and 2000). I met Robert five months after first partner passed. I was ready b/c I had been caretaker to John, not partner.

    In a way, it is peaceful to be alone. I am sure you have discovered by. now that only therapists and other grievers understand you. We are an anti grieving nation that wants to pretend you can get over grief in a ridiculous short period of time and on a schedule of phases. But that isn't how we grieve. Everyone is different.

    I too had a rocky relationship with both partners. Most women would have left both given the situation. But I am intensely loyal; it would take a lot for me to leave. Even though I never officially married either, we felt like we were married in both relationships.