Who am I?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by cmfrynm, Nov 17, 2020.

  1. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    My wife of 30 years passed this last July. That was the worst day of my existence and this has been the worst year ever. I've had some hard times, but not like this. My wife and I were so very close, yes we had our rough spots like most do, we were as one person. My model of what life is supposed to be and what was going to be our future is broken. Half of my heart no longer exists and my reality has been modified so that I don't really know who I am anymore. I am a person of faith and that has kept me going and is a source of comfort, but I really need to just talk. I've reached out, but with little or no success, most of my friends just don't comprehend what or how I feel, so I'm seeking out folks who do know what I'm feeling and can relate. While in person would be best I'll take messages like this. One of the hardest parts of this is where I live (house, city, state) reminds me of our lives together no matter where I go. These are good memories, but also make the fact that she isn't here much more stark. I know I'm not alone and that's why I'm reaching out here. Reading stories here has helped me realize that and that this is likely a good place to find hearts that feel like mine. I want to thank anyone who responds for doing just that, I need it.
  2. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of 32 years, Jeff, passed 1/2018. I know how you are feeling. There is like an emptiness, a void that can't be filled. It has not gotten better with time, but I have learned to live with it. Somedays are good, others are OK and still others knock me off my feet. I have learned to embrace the familiar places that we once loved. It was hard at first but now I feel his presences and I welcome the flow of memories as they come.
    I have found this group to be very helpful, hopefully its helpful to you as well.
    Take Care,
    cmfrynm likes this.
  3. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    This helps. You have my sympathy for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing that with me, it's very helpful.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  4. HW2927

    HW2927 Member

    So sorry for both of your losses. My husband passed away in August unexpectedly and the grief is overwhelming. The heartbreak, loneliness and loss are horrible. I try to just focus on the “next thing” I need to do to keep busy and get outside every day. Sharing on this site helps, knowing there are people that understand and pray for you. Bless you both and you are not alone in your loss.
    Mary0128 and cmfrynm like this.
  5. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    It just plain hurts. Bad. I know what you mean and I also try to get outdoors every day. I've gone back to school and hopefully will start a new job in January as a new beginning. That one foot in front of the other thing does help.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  6. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Active Member

    I know what you mean, my husband and I were together 30 years when he passed in April. We were best of friends and very close. Everywhere I look in my house is a memory of him and everywhere I go in my city/neighborhood reminds me of something we had done together—going out to breakfast, dinners out, walks, etc and it kills me but at the same time I'm so glad to have those memories. We're all here processing our lost as best we can and I also find it does help to read posts. I've only been able to write a post/comment recently, it was too hard before.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  7. KristenBeth

    KristenBeth New Member

    I appreciate you posting this. My husband passed away suddenly a few weeks ago and I can relate to how you feel. We were together 18 years and did everything together. I left our house that we were so happy in 6 days after his passing to move in with family out of state because the pain was too great. I left a promising career, too. I lost everything and I don’t even know who I am anymore.

    But reading that someone else is also experiencing what I am helps. Maybe I’m not as alone as I thought. And I commend your courage for posting an honest, relatable message. So from one shattered heart to another, thank you. I hope you find comfort and peace in the days ahead.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  8. tgotyall

    tgotyall Active Member

    So sorry for the loss of your wife ,like i have told others we here know of the pain and sorrow of which you speak, and surely none of us want to be here, it just plains sucks. I lost my precious wife in February to esophageal cancer age 59, we were together for 36 years, I really truly still can't believe what has happen. Like you and others we were best friends ,did everything together from playing sports, working on the house, she would cut the grass ,was my golf partner she made me look good even if my game didn't she was my everything.The life we had planned is no longer ,we worked hard ,lived within our means ,saved for retirement and what we got was 3 1/2 months before she passed.You are right there are days where i don't know who i am,how to live without her ,wishing it was me instead of her, and the emotions continue from anger to heartbreak to sometimes happy memories.This grief is hard stuff , i to am a man of faith but sometimes i can barely see the light in the darkness and keep asking God why. It's hard even to have simple joy at times and you wonder how will you make it.I really want to know how others are doing with the holidays upon us for this will be a first for many of us.Take care of yourself ,i had the word ''WARRIOR" on our kitchen wall and ISAIAH 40:29 for my wife during her battle, it's still there for me .I say this to everyone be strong and very courageous.
    HW2927 and Mary0128 like this.
  9. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    A month ago I wouldn't have been able. I'm at the point that I want/need to reach out, mostly because we're not meant to be alone. We do best in a community and while this is virtual the posts are heartfelt and let you know that others feel the same way. You're not alone at all. I know that in time my picture of who I am will begin to recenter and the part of my wife that shaped me will remain and who I am will come back into focus. Getting there is the hardest journey I've ever dreamed of. You have my sympathy for you loss and my understanding of the path you're on. It hurts.
  10. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    I too, am sorry for your loss. Grief is tough. I am a person who likes/wants to know why. I asked God over and over until He answered in the gentlest way that it was time and part of His plan. So necessarily I asked why did it have to be now, knowing that the answer was the same. I know why, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It's going to take time to get to the joy through the sad, but I trust that He will get me there. This holiday season will be hard, but I've talked with some folks who tell me that subsequent years can be harder. Best advice I think I've gotten is to simply expect it to be hard and don't get blindsided. Easier said that done perhaps. Sharing here helps and I do appreciate your reply. I've been reading Psalm 34 a lot.
  11. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    You hit the nail on the head when you said "in time my picture of who I am will begin to recenter and the part of my wife that shaped me will remain and who I am will come back into focus". The future that was once attainable is no longer. We need to recenter and reevaluate , it's hard to picture a future when you just lost half of your heart. But it will come and we will always remember what was never to be.
  12. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    I can't do anything (literally) without thinking of my wife. Like I said the memories are good ones, still it just brings waves of sadness. Thanks for relating, it helps.
    Mary0128 likes this.
  13. Bart

    Bart Member

    Very true what you said about not knowing who you are anymore, I’m sorry. It’s something I was unprepared for when my wife died, we were also together 30 years. It makes more sense to me now though. How can someone be so close to another person for so long without feeling like part of you has also been lost, it has. Reading others stories here gives me hope that someday we’ll all find ourselves again.
  14. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    My sympathy goes out to you. She was half of the whole and now there is only half. One thing I do know is that the wound will scar over and not be so raw, when that happens the picture will be missing someone, but it will be the complete picture. I know that in time I'll figure it out and yes reading here has renewed that belief/hope.
  15. Richard@123

    Richard@123 Member

    hugs for you . you are so right this is going into my second year and its not any better. She was my life my heart i feel your pain. But your right we must learn somehow how to live with it.
  16. I’m in the same place, my husband of 40 years died in March. Fxxk cancer. Most days I am numb, I have thought of moving because everything here reminds me of “us”, but where would I go? I am truly alone and this is the hardest thing I have ever faced, and I can’t see any point of all of it. It wasn’t my choice, losing him. Just getting through each day, for what reason? Nothing prepares you for the overwhelming physical pain of grief and it is depressing to read other people years out that it doesn’t get any easier, no hope of this great sadness ceasing. Holidays are a sham, why bother. Anger simmers right below the surface that I can barely hold together. But you can’t let that out, everyone around you just wants to be reassured that you’re OK, but your not.
    LivingWithGrace likes this.
  17. cmfrynm

    cmfrynm Member

    One thing I do know, the grief won't go away, how you deal with it will change. Find a way to constructively let that anger out, you can't hold it in for too long it'll eat you up. I have a friend who has had a similar experience with a child. He still has grief and some signs of sadness, but he's living life as normal as possible after having a daughter die in his arms. So how he's dealing with it has changed and gotten better. There is hope. I don't know what you're feeling exactly, but I do know how you're feeling and it just plain hurts worse than anything I've ever been through. Holidays are not going to be easy, not looking forward to Thursday. I have folks ask how I'm doing, my answer these days is surviving. That's all I've got at the moment surviving, my 17 year old son needs dad and dad needs son, so I keep pushing forward. Hang in there.
    HW2927 likes this.