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When is it ok to be happy again?

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Ellla, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    Almost two years ago I was in a relationship and it was the greatest thing I had ever felt in a really long time. We fit. Like a puzzle piece. Our relationship slowly evolved and it was really really amazing. He had a hard time accepting someone that loved him the way I did. He closed out his life to that possibility. The possibility of being in love and being loved. I struggled with that too. But when we were together everything was ok. No matter what was happening in the little bubble of ours everything was ok. He would say "when I'm with you I feel like love exists" so why would he leave? We had gotten into an argument on a Friday night because he was high. I don't know what he was high on but it was bad. I was frustrated with him. I told him that I loved him and I wanted to marry him but that he was throwing his life away. I cried and he held me until I calmed down. The next morning I woke up before him and got ready to leave. I remember so vividly how the morning light was shining through his windows. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissed him right above his left eyebrow and told him I loved him. I left and 30mins after that he was gone. The coroner ruled it a suicide. He had several drugs in his system. Sometimes I get this really desperate feeling. Like I can't breathe and I just need to see him. I just need to feel him and breathe him in again. It'll be two years in May. Since he's been gone. I'm in a new relationship and we are getting ready to move. He's an amazing guy and has helped me throith all my trauma even when I wasn't fair to him. He loves me and my daughter. My family loves and adores him. They had some reservations because it was very soon after my boyfriend died but after awhile they saw how much he loves me. And I really love him too. But every time that things get really great I tend to sabotage things. I get mad for a stupid reason and lash out and tell him to leave. He doesn't he knows something is going on and tries to talk me down. I'm just tired. I want to be happy. But I've been searching for a reassurance. I've been searching for that sign that it's ok to be happy and in love again. How do I do that? How do I get this approval from someone that is no longer here?
     
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Ellla, first of all, you write so well. The point you make is also on my mind. Let's start with you made it two years. Second, you have new and supportive love in your life. The mystery of a tormented soul and why they made the choices they made. Some of that is family up bring likely trauma in their lives. Many I have talked with have commented that we are all broken in some ways. My wife had a simple put so important decision to make in 2009. A hysterectomy and likely she is alive today and could have bypassed so much pain. She wanted to live but was too afraid to make the higher probability decision she needed to make. I knew her so well, all sorts of family history and can piece some sense of it. But the loss and the trauma of what I saw and felt during her long decline is so strong and rules my life. We bond with someone and love them and that does not go away like turning a light switch. The term PTSD is real and sounds so much what you are experiencing. As a now single man, I do have some radar up for a possible new relationship. I was at a friends house and his brother's wife's sister came over. She was attractive with a nice personality and not interested in me but that is beside the point. I later learned she had cancer and was in remission. I had a panic attack at the idea I would go thru another round of caring for a woman that was dying. The situation was not even remotely to happen but the idea of living that again I really unraveled. I know my emotions are on steroids. I have read enough accounts here to know that trauma and PTSD are not reserved for war veterans. I have been researching this topic and there are several promising ways to heal. They all take time and commitment. my mental health that I kinda took as a given is now something I will have to work for. You are welcome to chat privately. This site has that ability. I really wanted to say what you are experiencing is real. It is difficult and is not a light switch. Best to you Ellla and may you find healing and relief. I see that at least two people care about how you are doing.
     
  3. Ellla

    Ellla Member

    Paul, thank you for your kind words. I have been going to therapy. It took me a year to realize that my boyfriend passed and that he would never come back. Even now there are days where I think that somehow he will come back. I search for his face in crowded places and black Hondas. After a year of coming to terms with his death there is a new wave of guilt. Therapy is helping but I know I need to take it one day at a time.
     
  4. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Ellla I am glad you are using tools like therapy. What comes thru in your writing is that you are a kind and loving person. A very good heart. I wish you well and that the form of healing you need finds you. I am off to a friends music event. A dear friend that saw me at my worst. Best to you Ellla.