Almost two years ago I was in a relationship and it was the greatest thing I had ever felt in a really long time. We fit. Like a puzzle piece. Our relationship slowly evolved and it was really really amazing. He had a hard time accepting someone that loved him the way I did. He closed out his life to that possibility. The possibility of being in love and being loved. I struggled with that too. But when we were together everything was ok. No matter what was happening in the little bubble of ours everything was ok. He would say "when I'm with you I feel like love exists" so why would he leave? We had gotten into an argument on a Friday night because he was high. I don't know what he was high on but it was bad. I was frustrated with him. I told him that I loved him and I wanted to marry him but that he was throwing his life away. I cried and he held me until I calmed down. The next morning I woke up before him and got ready to leave. I remember so vividly how the morning light was shining through his windows. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissed him right above his left eyebrow and told him I loved him. I left and 30mins after that he was gone. The coroner ruled it a suicide. He had several drugs in his system. Sometimes I get this really desperate feeling. Like I can't breathe and I just need to see him. I just need to feel him and breathe him in again. It'll be two years in May. Since he's been gone. I'm in a new relationship and we are getting ready to move. He's an amazing guy and has helped me throith all my trauma even when I wasn't fair to him. He loves me and my daughter. My family loves and adores him. They had some reservations because it was very soon after my boyfriend died but after awhile they saw how much he loves me. And I really love him too. But every time that things get really great I tend to sabotage things. I get mad for a stupid reason and lash out and tell him to leave. He doesn't he knows something is going on and tries to talk me down. I'm just tired. I want to be happy. But I've been searching for a reassurance. I've been searching for that sign that it's ok to be happy and in love again. How do I do that? How do I get this approval from someone that is no longer here?