When does it get better

Hello. I just found this site, hoping it will help me in some small way. This May will be 1 yr. since my husband passed away. Massive heart attack, died 30 min. later in the E.R. No one prepares you for the loss of a loved one, and losing a spouse is the worst. 50 years of bliss, 45 of them married. We weathered deaths of family members together( his Dad, brother, sister-in-law, 3 nephews, my Mom and Dad). I am weathering this one alone, no kids, no siblings, a few well meaning friends that upset me often than not. I have a young lady that comes twice a week to check on me, we go shopping, have lunch, I laugh and have a good time, then feel guilty later. I sometimes think I am going batty, I talk to myself all the time, talk to Ted's ashes and picture, all the time, talk to the cat. Making decisions scares the hell out of me, sleeping in the dark scares me, sleeping in bed scares me, so I sleep in the living room on the couch, with the T.V. on.

I do have to laugh sometimes, I know Ted has been here in spirit. He lets me know in subtle ways, and not so subtle(threw a small LED light I had on the fridge across the kitchen). I like to think he comes to check on me, keep me out of trouble. So when something out of the ordinary happens, I chuckle and tell him to stop being a butt.

Forgive me for rambling on.

 

Welcome to Grief in Common ( GIC),
though I wish it didn't have to be under
these horribly sad circumstances. I am so
sorry about the sudden, shocking death
of your husband, Ted, after so many years
of happy marriage. May I ask your name?
Thank you for saying Ted's name. My wife
died suddenly, in front of me, right before
Thanksgiving, 3 years ago, from a
pulmonary embolism.We were
married 25 years, no children. She was my
best (& only) friend and family.Linda was
68. I had PTSD & had to see a grief
counselor. I noticed you live in Ohio, so we
are in a different time zone. I live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. I woke
up in the middle of night & saw your
post. I've had recent medical issues. If
I wake up in the night, I get on GIC. My user name is Van Gogh. Lou

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful husband. As I read your post it felt like I wrote it. So much so that I went to the top and checked thinking I had written it and some how was posted as new. The main difference is that I lost my husband 3 years ago, but also to a massive heart attack and I lost Ron in 2 hours, also in the ER. We were together 44 years, married 41 years. Ron didn’t have any prior heart condition, he was “healthy”. And out of no where you’re living a nightmare. Everything you mention are definitely very scary things. You’re right, nothing prepared us for such a loss and all of the sudden all decisions are on us. No one to share anything with. Ron and I ran a business together so we were together 24/7 for 30 years. As soon as our kids were in school I started working with Ron full time. I had to close our shop with help from family but all decisions were on me. I’m thankful we had a serious discussion about retiring and what he planned on keeping. We emptied our business during a time we had a family trip planned, which of course was canceled. Our business was our second home, it was my second loss. I’m sorry your friends tend to upset you, but that seems to be normal. They haven’t had such a loss so I think in most cases they don’t even realize they’re being cruel. I tried to tell my siblings but they pretty much still don’t get it. I’m lucky that I have 2 children. My daughter who lives 15 minutes away and my son whose in Florida. My daughter is and has been my main support throughout. My son stays in touch. And visits me when he can. I’m happy for you that you have someone who comes by twice a week and gets you out of the house and even gets you to smile/laugh. The guilt you feel seems to be common too. We shouldn’t but we do have it. We all know our spouses want us to live life, it’s just so very hard. Thank you for sharing your story about the LED light. I love it and get signs from Ron very often. Our loved ones are with us and watching over us and letting us know. I’m afraid this is a long journey we were thrown into. It’s a long bumpy road. You lost your husband of 45 years those feeling don’t just go away like the people we want to support us think happens. Our lives are so different now and the loneliness is debilitating. Ted would want you to take care of yourself, you know that. And I know you’re trying. Try to get fresh air as often as possible it helps more then you realize. Try to stay busy, even little things just to take your mind in a different direction for a little while. I know your cat is a life saver and best friend for you, I have a dachshund that was a gift from Ron and means the world to me. He is why I get up in the morning.
You did not ramble, you told your story and that’s helpful. You’re not alone, there’s a very large community of people on this site who understand how you feel and will offer you support. I give this site credit for helping me get to where I am today. I miss Ron every minute of every day, he’s still so important to me and I do things to honor him and still want him to be proud I’m his wife. I am much stronger then when I signed up 2 years ago. Visit this site often, read and share your thoughts and stories. It does help. We’re all here for you. Sending you hugs. Robin

 

Thank you Robin for your kind words, and for words of encouragement. I am sorry you are going through the loss of your husband Ron. I think the loneliness is the worst Not being able to share thoughts, laughter, smiles, hugs, kisses with the person you love. I miss walking through a parking lot holding Teds hand, miss having him in the car when I go grocery shopping.
My friends did lose their husbands, one to Alzheimer's, one to cancer, so they do know what I am going through. I guess it is the you are strong(no I'm not, I am a basket case sometimes), it will get better in time, memories will fade, blah, blah, blah, that set me off.
Miss Kitty has been a huge help, she did get confused for awhile, not having Ted around. She camped out under his desk for a week or so, waiting for him to come home.
I try to stay busy, I find things to do around the house, it has never been so clean. I have become a Dollar Tree junky, there is one about 2 miles from me. I go once a week to browse and buy stuff. I did walk sometimes, but it has been so cold lately. I am done with Winter already, time for Spring.
Sending hugs back to you. Savannah

 

Thank you your reply. My name is Savannah. I just replied back to Robin, then saw your reply to me.

 

Ahh, found the big reply area. I didn't mean to cut you off Van Gogh, but ran out of room . I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is hard, and I am beginning to think it never gets better. Maybe not any worse, but not much better. The shock of Ted's death had me reeling, still haven't come to the full realization he is not coming back in physical form.
I am sorry you are having health problems. I thank my lucky stars and the Lord above, I am in good health. Just had my yearly physical (thanks Medicare).
Actually Lou, we are in the same time zone EST. I am up at all hours myself. I putter around the house, dust, clean, etc. I haven't touched any of Teds things, computer still where it always was, clothes still in the closet, I did move a couple things around, so I could set up my ironing board(yep, I still do some ironing).
I hope you get to feeling better. Savannah

 

Thank you so much for answering me this
morning, Savannah. It means.a lot to me. This is a wonderful site, with kind, caring
widows & widowers. I joined the end of
July, and have made close friends here,
closer than those outside GIC, bc they
" get it". I joke that I have 3 younger
brothers here: Gary from Indiana, George
from Illinois, and Chad from Texas. Except
for Chad, we are all sick of winter. It is
especially bad, while dealing with the
fear of COVID. When I came home from the
ER, I was lonely, depressed, & isolated. I
used to enjoy walking down to the Neck,
which has shops, restaurants, and art
galleries. I'm friends with some of the
owners. But, bc of being sick, and the
awful rainy or snowy days, I haven"t been
able to walk there. A nurse from the VNA
was sent to my apartment, to check on my
well being, & to help prevent me from
going back to the hospital. A PT also came
to make sure my place is fall-proof. She
walked through my apartment, checking
the grab bars in the bathtub, seeing if I
could get up from the toilet without
assistance, watching me use the front
steps outside my building, etc. I think
that beyond having professionals help
me. it has been good to have someone
with whom to talk.At first, I felt tense but
now, I'm loosening up & enjoy their
visits. Like you, I pray for an early
Spring. I have become close to Robin, whose husband, Ron, died the same time
as my wife, Linda. We check on each other,
usually early morning. I can see that you
have a good sense of humor, like all of us.
When you said, "Blah, blah, blah" , it
reminded me of a book I recommended to
GIC: The Widower's Notebook, a memoir,
by Jonathan Santlofer. His wife, Joy, of 40
years , died suddenly in front of him. At
first, I couldn't read the book, & sobbed,
bc Jonathan's story was so much like mine.
A week later over coffee, I tried again, &
I'm glad I did. You would like the chapter:
Stupid Things Said By Smart People. Lou

 

Savannah, I just thanked you for answering me! It took me a while to
adapt to this site, bc I'm technologically
challenged. Thank you for your kind words
about my health. With help, I 'm feeling
better.My spirits were lifted over the
weekend, when it was sunny & mild, and
I was finally able to walk to the ocean and
downtown. Since Linda's death, my
belief in God has gotten stronger. When
Linda died, I didn't care if I lived or died.
Now, I pray that I may live. Lou

 

Hi again Lou, popped to the gas station real quick. So glad everything is close to me, grocery store, gas station, Dollar Tree, bank, restaurants to go to when Brittany comes to check on me. She is a youngster, 34, but has so many of the same thoughts about life, politics, Covid, as I do. One of my friends is so scared of Covid, she wouldn't have Thanksgiving or Christmas with her kids and grand kids. We don't talk much, I think I pissed her off, oh well. Ted and I decided when Covid 1st started, no vaccine for us. If we caught it, we caught it. Neither of us did. I will follow mask rules, but the vaccine, vaccine, booster crap is not for me. People get the jab, and still get sick, seems like it doesn't work so well. Enough on that subject.
My sense of humor didn't go away, it pops out every now and then. Ted always said I was funny. His sense of humor was dry, some people didn't know how to take his jokes. I joke with Brittany, she drives a big Jeep SUV, about not hitting curbs( she does sometimes). I always got the "Your going to hit the curb", only did one time, never heard the last of it. Boy, do I miss hearing it.
I was never a religious person, but I do believe in God. I have worked through the guilt, the what if's, the regrets, the extreme sadness, the I wish everyone would leave me alone, cried until exhausted many a day and night. That is getting a bit better, down to 2/3 times a week. It is funny how certain mundane things, a song, a TV commercial, a movie we watched over and over comes on TCM(It's a Wonderful Life, is one) will start the tears to flowing. Sometimes just walking by his ashes will set me off. I have had a few conversations with the good Lord. I figure both He and Ted are watching out for me, so that does give me comfort.
I'm glad you have people looking out for you. Getting old sucks, but I am glad I am still alive and kicking, not as high as I use to though.
Have a good day, stay safe, stay warm. Savannah

 

My best friend soulMate wife Valerie died almost a year ago after an exhausting battle again unCurable cancer. The only thing I "look forward" to is dialysis cuz the techs might be friendly and smile and be nice. I only have my son and his girlfriend in my life. I lost my teaching career 6 years ago when I got kidney disease. I feel hopeless a lot. The other thing I look forward to is this site and the cool people on here. I have no friends because Valerie hated most people and anytime I got a friend she manipulated me into hating them too. I still love her and constantly think about her and the good times. I really didn't care at the time that I had no real friends cuz she was always there with love support (and a lot of criticism). Now I'm very alone and realize after a year how cut off I have become from anyone or anything. To make matters even harder I just had to sell my house and Chicago is having a brutal winter.

Valerie's last wish was for me and my son to be happy. I am NOT at all happy. I get through the day and try to be kind to myself and others the best I can. As Lou and the other Grief warriors on this Site can tell you we are doing our best in an insane situation in an insaner world.

Best regards! George...

 

Thank you thank you thank you
for having the courage to say this!

 

Hey Lou!
It was minus 6 here this morning when I drove the GF to work and then the check engine light comes on and there's no car for two weeks, am 4 grand poorer and no way to get to dialysis! I hate winter a lot!

 

Wow, Savannah, you & Linda would've
been good friends. She was feisty and
funny like you. It sounds like you & Ted
were on the same page, as were Linda &
me. As much as I miss Linda every day,
I'm grateful she didn't linger, in pain,
for an uncertain future. She was in a rehab
unit of a nursing home. Had she lived,
there is a chance I wouldn't have been able to visit her, due to COVID. She would
have been outraged that schoolchildren
still had to wear masks, disturbing
their socialization with their friends, and
their understanding of their teachers.
Meanwhile, they turn on TV, & see so
called "leaders" going to parties mask
free. The hypocrisy is sickening. There
are also legitimate questions about the
vaccines. I had Omicron right after
Christmas, but there were no tests
available. It was very much like the
flu, the worst being a sore throat &

cough. I had to go to the ER for another
matter. While there, I had the nostril
test for COVID, & it came out positive.
I've stayed home, and my lingering
cough is gone, and I'm past the COVID
danger point. My appetite is back and
when the weather gets nicer, I will be
taking more walks again. Enjoyed our
"talk" , Savannah. Looking forward to many more. Lou

 

Savannah, I’m so sorry your friends who have even lost their husbands aren't offering the support and care that is needed right now. And for quite a while in fact. I lost most my friends after Ron passed and I don’t talk to my sister any more. And believe it or not she’s a counselor and treated me terribly. Memories don’t fade, they’re with us forever and Ted is a part of who you are. You were together a very long time. How could he not be a part of you. Dollar Tree, well I was in one this morning. Love that store. I go in every once in a while and pick up too many things. I’d always say it’s a $1. Now $1.25. My daughter is my biggest support I invited her over for chili tonight. I’m finally starting to cook again. It’s been difficult. I used to see my daughter at least 4 times a week and she spend the weekend at my house. Sleep here and it felt so good to have her here and like my house felt more alive. But she got a puppy and I see more like once a week. I miss having her here more often but when Ron first passed she moved back in with me for months. We slept in the living room together. In fact right after he passed and my son came from Florida we all slept together in the living room. I sleep in our bedroom now. It was very hard at first. It still feels wrong. But i also feel closer to Ron being back in our bed. It hard to explain. A little of this a little of that. I have RA so sleeping on the couch was not good for my joints. I haven’t moved any of Rons things. His shirt is still hanging on the knob on his dresser. His shoes sit next to his recliner. Any one doesn't like it I don’t care. His iPad on the arm of his recliner. I still can’t sit in his recliner I have throw pillows there so no one sits there. Every single thing we do is hard and a reminder.
I didn’t get to discuss covid or vaccines with Ron, but I know he’s proud I didn’t get it and don’t plan to. I know Ron would say they pushed it through too fast who knows what it can or can’t do or cause health wise. I agree, enough of that.
I’m getting a nor’easter going through this weekend. Expecting blizzard like conditions. Spring can’t get here fast enough. 53 days til spring, but whose counting.
My dachshund, also named Ted, missed Ron just like you saw with Miss Kitty. He still sniff Rons shoes. Ron played rough with him. He misses that. But he’s always by my side and loves me no matter what. Our pets sure give us a lot.
There’s better days ahead, we all need to work towards them. Robin

 

George, I’m so sorry to hear about your car. Now what? My daughters check engine light came on not long ago. Thankfully hers was that her gas cap Wasn't on tight enough. 4 grand, Yikes! Aren’t you going through enough. Just sucks!

 

Lou, It’s so good to have you back. You’ve been missed. You seem to be doing so much better, it took a full month. I hope you’re sleeping better. Brutally cold here today. I believe you’ll be getting the nor’easter too this weekend. Hope it’s not as bad as they’re calling for. Kept taking care of yourself. Robin

 

I know! Can't say I'm too surprised really I know I was due for car issues. It has been way too long since something massive like this. I think it was going to be a problem anyway but the extreme cold made it worse. What can you do? I know! The the bus... Wait there is NO bus! Duh! Just call me "WCSG"
Worst Case Scenario George!

Thanks for the kind and needed support!

 

Hi Lou, I got a nice message from eyepilot13(George), now if I can find the big message area for him I will answer back. I think I am thankful/grateful Ted did not suffer. The hospital is only about 10 min. away and I was right behind the ambulance, parked the car where I shouldn't, followed the EMT's into the E.R., no mask, Dr.s and nurses tried to make me leave, I went ballistic on them, I wasn't in their way, I wanted to be with Ted. We were there just under 30 min. when he was declared dead, I was there, I think he knew I was there. I called a cab to go home, no way I could drive. I did put the car in the right parking area. I got home, walked in the door and collapsed. The next few weeks were a flurry, doing his cremation arrangements, hunting up military papers, annuity papers, insurance papers, calling what was left of his side of the family, his personal friends, our friends together to let them know he had passed away. I was running on just a few hours of sleep a night, forgetting to eat most days, pacing around the house. It was so empty and quiet, Miss Kitty knew something wasn't right, didn't meow at me like normal, to be fed( I was chief feeder, litter box cleaner, Ted was treat giver). As I told Robin, she camped out under his desk for a couple weeks, waiting for him to come home.
Here people can pretty much come and go as they please. There are some places you can't go into without a mask, Dr./dentist offices, the funeral home had posted you had to wear a mask, but they didn't enforce it. I will comply if absolutely necessary about the mask wearing. Brittany and I do the WTF when we see someone driving alone with a mask on. Saw a man riding his bike wearing a mask, a gentleman walks his dog by the house, wearing a mask. To each his own, I am not going to miss out on life because Dr. Fauci can't make up his mind about masks, vaccines, boosters(saw where CDC is thinking about another booster).
Let me stop babbling on. It does feel good to get some of the pent up emotions out. I don;'t want to always talk about Ted and death, and my sorrow with Brittany, although she told me to talk all I wanted. She just doesn't know what she is in for!!
Talk again soon, you take care of yourself and get to feeling better. Savannah

 

The whole Kovid thing doveTailed right along with Valerie's last cancer battles... At least you have someone to WTF with about the lunacy. People are crazed about them here. Always walking, biking and driving with them on. I see one w/o one in the store and it makes me feel so happy in my heart... until my son stats getting all mad about that. I'm glad did not suffer. A year ago Valerie spent the night screaming in pain and throwing up black cancer hell vomit! After going through this I don't really care about much of anything these daze! Babble away! We all need to vent or will go mad!

 

Ted will be alive in my heart as long as I am alive. Our Dollar Tree here is still a dollar, but Little Caesar pizza went up 55 cents. Kroger prices keep rising on a weekly basis, gas goes up, then goes back down. Never catch it on the downside, always need gas when the price is higher. Ted had his chair, I tried to sit in it, couldn't, didn't feel right. Miss Kitty and I curl up in my chair to watch tv. I do have his pillows when I camp out on the couch, both of us had more pillows on the bed than blankets. It has been cold, and snowy here. Tonight suppose to get down to 3 degrees. Better get out the heavy blankets, . Talk again soon. Take care, stay warm. Hugs, Savannah