What I would give to turn back time...

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Nicole Evans, Jul 14, 2017.

  1. Nicole Evans

    Nicole Evans Member

    Hello friends~
    Today is an especially difficult day for me. Although I am an open book by nature, I don't usually post my dirty laundry on the internet in search of empathy and/or finding a lasting friendship. However, I've never felt so lonely or lost in my entire life.
    Today is my birthday. I have always loved celebrating my birthday. But today I want to get back into bed and cry myself to sleep. My daughter alexis died this past April....just 3 months ago. My grief is constantly changing. Right now I'm in the phase where I long to hear her voice and hear her on the phone with a bright, " Hi mom...". No one has ever loved or appreciated me with the fierceness that Alexis loved me with. I miss that and the being that she was. She died of an overdose of xanax and oxy. I just wish I could have an adult conversation with somebody...anybody...that can empathize. My husband is her step father and they didn't have the best relationship. My marriage is and has been hanging on thread. None of my friends can empathize. They try to be there or be kind but I am on an island all by myself. I don't know how to navigate this new world. I am sorry for the sob story. I figured it can't hurt to put myself out there and pray and hope something wonderful comes of it. Thank you for reading this and please don't judge me too harshly. I wasn't prepared to lose my 20 year old...my best friend...my everything.
    Sheri R., Kathleen 56, JoNas and 2 others like this.
  2. Frankie

    Frankie New Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand of feeling alone. Everyone grieves differently and can take a very long time. I lost my Son 1 May 2017. We talked once or twice a week and it was mellow conversation and I miss that the most. I don't know how to fix things because I don't know what i want. I know we will never get over it but learn to live with it. That might take so.e time.
    Not many people understand when I just want to leave the house or I ha e anxieties when I'm around groups of people.
    I wish I could tell you something that would help. I do know that we can learn how to be happy again. I pray and attend a grief support group twice a month. That helped for a while. I'm regressing. I use to be so outgoing and very social.
    I will pray for you and try to send positive vibes your way.
    Thank you Frank
    Saylynn and Kathleen 56 like this.
  3. JeanieGurl

    JeanieGurl Guest

    I am very sorry for your loss.
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  4. JeanieGurl

    JeanieGurl Guest

    No time to say goodbye. I regret this so much.
    Kathleen 56 likes this.
  5. JeanieGurl

    JeanieGurl Guest

    He was doing so well.....why???
  6. ScottsMom119

    ScottsMom119 Member

    Why didn't I make him go back to another hospital when the first one turned him away? I will never forgive myself for that, although he refused when I tried to get him to go.
  7. Jon's mom

    Jon's mom New Member

    Jon's mom here. I find myself in a pretty good place. Jon has been gone 2 years and 3 months. I receive signs from him and talk outloud to him. We had a good relationship and it continues. I speak of him often and cry whenever I need to. I don't know why I am no longer in deep grief other than I accept that he's not coming back. I did saturate myself in grief counseling. For the first year, I attended 3 different groups weekly. Tuesdays, church counseling, wednesdays, private counseling and Thursdays, Parents of murdered children (POMC). After a year, I just had my fill of talking about death and grief. I stopped all counseling. Told Jon I would see him whenever. I been good since.
  8. Anthony1961

    Anthony1961 New Member

    Your story is no sob story and the hell with whomever might feel it is. Never ever worry about being judged by the living. Only God can do that. I recently lost my son 12/17/2019 to an overdose whom would have been 29 this June. I know your pain all to well in fact I don’t know where I found the strength to even respond. I feel like I’ve been hit buy a bus then ran over by it in forward and reverse. I’ve been told he’s at peace, he’s not suffering any longer, he’s not in pain anymore. Well that maybe true but what also is true is that when we lost him I inherited all that pain and suffering. So I know. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I’m still lost and in no position to give advice but I will tell you that I loved my son more then life itself and it wasn’t enough. My love unconditional wasn’t enough. I tried so damn hard. I too had a birthday the day after Christmas and it’s one that I never want to remember. Nor Christmas nor new year. Sorry I went off the deep end. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone. God bless. Anthony
  9. LostInGrief

    LostInGrief New Member

    Although our stories are different, I believe our pain is the same. You don't deserve judgment. You loved your daughter so I believe you did what you could. It was out of our hands.
    I lost my son 08-27-20. He was 36 and living with me. We were very close and I fought his whole life to hold onto him. I lost him to depression, pain, etc. Just as you describe your daughter, my son was a great guy. Many try to empathize with me too but they can't. The love we share with our children is very individual, and only we see their real greatness. I'm in Southern NJ. If you're nearby, maybe we can meet in a park somewhere and just cry together. We can also try meeting online.
    I will grieve with you either way.
  10. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

    I lost my 33 year old daughter on May 15, to her congenital heart defect. She was my best friend, I miss her so much. Every time I hear the alert that I got a text message, my heart breaks more because it’s not her. I know what you’re going through.
  11. MyDeepsorrow

    MyDeepsorrow New Member

  12. MyDeepsorrow

    MyDeepsorrow New Member

    Omg you have no idea how I'm relating to you.I lost my 31 yr.old son to accidental overdose of fentynal.Not sure I spelled it right.He was my biggest fan always had my back , he has a 7 yr.old son who is in our lives.He left behind 4 siblings 3 older 1 younger.They are all shattered , we are barely able to function.Ironically I lost another child 36 years ago a twin to my youngest daughter He was killed by a car. I would tell my son Jeff I cannot survive the loss of another child !!!!!! He would say omg I know mom ! I'd wished I'd never said those words. Now you have lost 2 as well. We are both living a Hell that has no end or understanding. I think it's been a month I'm not sure of dates or times I lost him on Aug. 28th. All family and friends descended immediately as we areca very close family & have many friends.At his celebration of life I held grown men & women in my arms who weeped & were the same people who seeped at my baby's funeral 36 years ago . I feel like I'm living in some alternate universe right now , its blurry , the air is different , somedays I'm not sure I remember to breath.I feel you , I hope we can connect.
  13. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

  14. Kathleen 56

    Kathleen 56 Active Member

    You are not alone. Grief is difficult and different for everyone. Happy Birthday . I am sending you love ❤️ and healing. Being lonely is not easy. I am overwhelmed at times and all friends have deserted me. People expect you to get over it. You never do but learn to live with it. Peace be with you.
  15. Tara 73

    Tara 73 Member

    Hi I just lost my daughter 12-10-2020. If you need someone to talk to I’m in the same boat she was my world. Please let me know and I can email you my phone number.
  16. Brihau

    Brihau Active Member

  17. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I knew my son was no longer suffering and that was my comfort for about the first 3 months. Slowly it dawned on me that he was gone, and that now I would be the one suffering. I totally understand what you said about now you have inherited his pain and suffering. We can no longer make the world go on that way we would want it to. Now we are stuck with the difficult task of figuring out how the world can even go on without them. It is a heartbreaking situation to be in and a situation which we can do nothing to change. The only change that can be made now is learning to adjust to life without them. That is a daunting task. But it can be done with the help and support of others and God. Yes, the holidays and anniversaries are very hard in the beginning. You can progress on. I know. I didn't think I could make it either, but it is now 20 years ago my tragedy struck, and by the grace of God, I have been able to hang on until the heaviness of the grief started to let up. We care about you. Stay in touch with us. Chris