Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Helena Beatriz, May 4, 2022.

  1. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Wishing you all the best for your mother, Deborah.

  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Sending you a GIANT!!! virtual hug... There is NO!!! need to ever apologize to us, your GIC "family," TUTTAM!!! This is the one place you can visit, say anything that's on your mind, or nothing at all... This is a judgement free zone. There isn't any right or wrong way, just the best virtual hugs ever, plus lots of support from those of us who "get" it. You're safe here, and always will be, TUTTAM!!!

    You've done everything you possibly can to help your students succeed. Reading what you said immediately brought to mind that old expression, " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Wanting to reach our goals in life, live up to our full potential, has to come from within. You can only do so much to help your students become the very best versions of themselves they can possibly be. If some of them have given up, it IS NOT!!! your fault!!!, TUTTAM!!! Also, there might be a few students who have challenging, unhappy lives at home, without nurturing parents, something you have no control over.

    My daughter, up until recently, taught children with autism. (Now she works as a liaison between their families, the school system, and insurance companies. She does her best to make sure the insurance companies provide the services the students need to maximize their chances of becoming productive, happy, self sufficient, members of society, the definition being different for each one of them.) If their parents gave up on them, the children usually gave up on themselves too. So sad... I believe that in order for children to morph into the very best versions of themselves, it takes a "village," not just one person!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    You ARE!!! NOT!!! "the greatest failure in the history of the world," TUTTAM!!! You are only one human being, doing everything you possibly can, to give each one of your students the "tools" they need to become the very best versions of themselves. Teachers aren't given enough credit for all the hard work they do, TUTTAM!!!

    Nothing I said can help with all those feelings of loneliness. Feeling lonely is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world... Unfortunately, I think those of us who have had the one true love of our lives transition, will always feel lonely. The only thing that could make this kind of loneliness disappear, can't happen. Our loved ones can't be with us (physically) again. It SUCKS!!! I hope that in spite of this, sharing your feelings here, brings you a little comfort, knowing we are all more or less, in the same boat you're in. We "get" it. It SUCKS!!! (As usual, I seem to be stuck on TUTTAM!!! and SUCKS!!! I'm such a creature of habit!!!, TUTTAM!!! It SUCKS!!!)

    Better stop here before I begin to repeat myself, rambling on and on and on, sending you another one of my books, lol..

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry to hear that your mother is in the hospital. I just added her to my daily prayers. The timing, not there is ever a good time, really SUCKS!!!, with yesterday, having been the last day of school. I'm getting here late, but hope yesterday went by as quickly and painlessly as possible...

    Please continue to update us on how your mother is doing.

    Sending you and your fur babies, zillions of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
  4. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Deb and Rose!! Thank you!!! You are beacons of love. I will never be able to adequately express my gratitude and restored hopefulness!! I know each of you are in different places with your grief journey. Right now, I’m confronting my mother’s ongoing struggle (for the last 30 years) with her health. After watching my husband struggle to conquer pain and oxygen deprivation, I guess I don’t have a ton of patience. I’m so sorry to sound harsh. I was with Mom again for most of the last four days. She is doing dramatically better, although she can only stand briefly. That alone is huge. She looks significantly better. This may actually motivate her a bit to exercise a little more when she's back home, which will improve her state of mind too. I so appreciate your love and support during this challenging few days. I am trying to be a better person every day. I’m failing most days. But it’s such an enormous relief that I can come here to share whatever is going on in my life. Love to all of you, and I’m sorry for not responding better to each of you in your journey of healing. ❤️ comfort and hugs
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  5. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Oh my goodness, Deb. It’s so incredible to hear you say this, but (and this is one of your really big buts) I’m a chronic self doubter—part of my Meyers-Briggs personality. I’m trying to accept this about myself. I so wish we could all have coffee together. I know Steve would do his best to bolster me. Now I must do it for myself, which kinda goes against the grain. Right now, I’m just hoping I didn’t bring kiddie germs to my mom, in the hospital trying to get home after her third stroke. Egad! Life can be so amazingly beautiful and such an incredible pain in the patootie. When it comes to grief, it’s a shockingly life altering pain in the core of our being that never completely goes away. I guess we can’t expect to have this amazing love without the pain that comes when it ends. Thank you so much for accepting me here even though I am too young to be going through this legitimately. I love you all for making this a safe place, and I love you Deb, for making it safe TUTTAM! Interestingly, TUTTAM is now offered by my autocorrect. You have changed the course of the history of the English language! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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  6. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Although I'm MIA lots lately, I think about you, and our entire GIC "family," and hope everyone is doing as well as he/she possibly can, in this totally, f*cked up!!!, bittersweet world, we've been thrown into, TUTTAM!!! I don't think that this kind of total heartbreak has anything to do with age. It SUCKS!!! whenever it happens, and in some ways, it's got to be so much more challenging for widows/widowers who find themselves having to raise children alone, and/or continue to work outside of the home.

    I feel fortunate, for lack of a better word, that all of my children were adults, having left the"nest" way before Bob transitioned. I'm not sure I would have had enough energy, both physically and emotionally, to give my children all the support they would have needed, and handle all the household responsibilities at the same time. Add in having to work, and I think I might have crumbled. As is, there were many days, where it took every bit of energy I had, just to get out of bed, wash up, and get dressed.

    OTOH, in some ways, still having my children with me, might have given me strength, made me feel less lonely, but at the same time, it might have taken me much longer to get to the point where I am now, finally being able to accept that Bob will be physically absent for the rest of my life, and at the same time, finding out who I am, now that I'm no longer part of a couple. I wouldn't have had the time to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life, because I would have been too busy doing my best to help my children move forward, in a world where their sense of security would have been shattered, as a result of Bob being (physically) absent. Just thinking about this makes me teary eyed...

    As usual, I'm beginning to ramble, something I seem to do effortlessly, lol... Getting back on track, it took me a long time before I was able to make important decisions on my own and feel confident in my choices. I always talk to Bob as though he is still (physically) with me. I make decisions based upon what I think he would advise me to do. One day, I had one of those "light bulb moments." I reminded myself that Bob is always watching over me, that he will always be a part of me. As a result, the decisions I make, are really decisions that Bob and I have made together. I believe the same is true for you and Steve.

    I agree with what you said about grief. Mr. G. will ALWAYS!!! be with us, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I rather have Mr. G., watching over me, ready to strike without any notice, then never to have experienced life with Bob, my "person," my soulmate, my knight in shining armor... I can't even begin to imagine the huge, dark hole, inside the hearts of people who have never experienced true love. I'm imagining it to be a much worse kind of loneliness than what we're experiencing. To repeat myself for way past the zillionth time, I'll take bittersweet any day over the alternative!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over every GW's head, and we would be talking over coffee together... Unfortunately, this is impossible, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! of the evening, at least we can "visit" each other on this site. Modern technology isn't all bad, lol...

    I hope your mother is feeling a little bit better, a little bit stronger, with each passing day. She is included in my daily prayers, along with all TGWs...

    Sending you and your fur babies, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Debster, this was one of your
    most moving "books"ever. I thought of one of Bob's
    expressions today, when I was on a bus. I thought I was hearing
    things. The driver, also a
    lobsterman, said he was grateful
    to live in this beautiful part of
    the world, near the ocean. When
    an older passenger talked about
    his different ailments, the driver
    said, at least "we're on the right
    side of the dirt". Thought you'd want to hear about this "wink"
    from Bob. I feel like I know him
    through you. Lobster Lou
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  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lobster Lou T,

    At the risk of sounding like a parrot once again, just as you feel like you know Bob through the stories I've shared with you, I feel like I know Linda through the stories you've shared with me. As I've said so many times in the past, I wish you, Linda, Bob and I could have had the opportunity to become friends, go out to eat together, share lots of lols, spend time by the ocean, etc, etc, etc...

    As other GW have said, maybe Linda, Bob, and all of the rest of the GW one true love of their lives, are together in heaven... have become the very best of friends. To repeat myself for what now must be way past the zillionth time, daydreaming can be a very good thing, TUTTAM!!!

    Thank you so much for sharing this "wink" from Bob, TUTTAM!!! It made me teary eyed, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, mostly only in the very best of ways... It is so important for all of us to keep the memory of our loved ones alive. Thank you so very much for helping me keep Bob's memory alive, for bringing him into the present, right along with us...

    I hope however you chose to spend today, it's a good one...

    Keep on dancing Lobster Lou T!!!

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debster and Skye Queen

    It is so very important to keep the memory of our loved ones alive. Thank you for helping to keep Bob's memory alive, for bringing him into the present, right along with us...
  9. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    P.S. Don't know how this ended up two times in my post, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! of the morning, it is something worth repeating!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    It is so very important to keep the memory of our loved ones alive. Thank you for helping to keep Bob's memory alive, for bringing him into the present, right along with us...[/QUOTE]
  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Debster,one thing about the
    foggy widowed person's brain
    is that we forget things we've
    told people, and repeat them.
    TGW are forgiving, bc we all
    "get it". Others, not so much.
    That sometimes pisses me off,
    so I ask , at the beginning, if I've
    told this story before. When you
    said you got "teary eyed" about
    my "wink"from Bob, I got
    choked up myself. It doesn't
    take much, bc since Linda's
    death, I've become even more of
    an empath than I was. Even
    then, I would cry at sad scenes in
    a movie. I'm in a widowed persons support group. It was so
    emotional the first day, when
    we were in a circle, and everyone shared their stories of
    grief. I thought of quitting, but
    a man , in his 50s, came in, and
    said his wife of 25 yrs had just
    died. That hit home, bc Linda &
    I were also married 25 yrs. The
    new member started to cry. I walked over to him , hugged him, & cried with him. At that
    moment, I realized I had to keep
    coming, just as I have to
    continue being a member of
    GIC. God Bless you, Skye, and all
    TGW! Lou T.
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  11. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Hello Deb and Skye,
    This world is messed up. BUT! Somehow, I found this place and I found you. Your posts reframe this whole widowhood existence for me, time and again. I have to say that I have been so unbelievably blessed. No life is completely blessed. Death, illness, pain, loss, suffering and the unpredictable nature of existence creep into our lives and remind us that love is the only thing that matters. I’m so grateful that I stumbled upon this wonderful place. Here, our pain connects us and actually helps us to rebuild our lives. Imagine that! It’s precisely what our loved ones would want. It’s not easy, and I am sorry if this is weak (thinking all of you grief warriors) but I will never stop missing Steve. I am not hanging on, so much as remembering what it was like to have those comforting moments together. Now, I have all of you, including you, Deb. This life has been amazing. It’s behind me now, and I’m on a new journey. But I still loved the journey I had. Thank you for letting me remember that! And for accepting my warts and scars that are from the ride we’re all on. Hugs and comfort to all! ❤️
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  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Deb A. It's been 2 1/2 years since I've joined CIC and I've found it so healing, comforting to know I'm not alone in the horrid journey we have to take. It's been so interesting to have travelled through everyone's journey, for many, from the start to present and continuing. I always remember what Hallmark puts on their bags, Quote: "Life is a special occasion". And hugs and comfort back to you Deb A. Karen
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  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    This post is so beautiful, so very moving, it has me teary eyed... Sending you the absolute BIGGEST!!! virtual hug!!!, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE.

    Sending lots more hugs and love, to you and your furry family members, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye Queen
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  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Every time I think about it, I'm way beyond amazed at how close TGW, our GIC "family," has become. You were one of the first people to welcome me, and I will always be grateful to you for this.

    I agree, it's way beyond interesting to have been a part of so many grief journeys, for lack of a better word, to see where all of us are, several years down the road... I'm looking forward to having this same conversation, same time, next year. Yikes!!!, I think I'm starting to "lose it." As soon as I typed the above sentence, "Same bat time, same bat channel," popped into my head, lol!!! Now I'm really dating myself, TUTTAM!!!

    I wish so much there was a way for all TGW to get together in person... I know it's not possible, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, daydreaming can be a very good thing, TUTTAM!!!

    As always, sending lots of hugs and love, to you and Winky, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye Queen
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  15. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Good Wednesday morning, Grief Warriors
    .....an early harvest of lavender & basil
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  16. Georgine

    Georgine Well-Known Member

    Beautiful, just beautiful.

    Thank you for sharing this exquisite picture.
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  17. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Georgine.
    My garden is part of my life, my healing, my connection to the divine and to Kenn.
    It's my art. ~Bernadine
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  18. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I can't grow lavender like this, georgous.
  19. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Wow Bernadine, absolutely beautiful! I have the same problem as Karen. My lavender has never even produced flowers! I know it's probably because it's situated in a shady area, never gets any sunshine, especially not this year!
    By the way, it's raining buckets outside at the moment, I can hear the heavy rain, even with the TV on!
    Another "Groundhog day". Waiting for the next one tomorrow :(.
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  20. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I finally did it! Three acrylic paintings... Hope to post them here on Wednesday the twenty-first!
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