Wednesday ART THERAPY

I love the art, and I love this conversation. If I were completely honest, I would say I feel better after I let out a few tears. Is that allowed? I’m constantly getting the message that I need to move on, get on with life. And yes. I am doing that. But I don’t want to forget, if that makes any sense. I had a great love. It happened!! I want to remember the love and move forward as best I can.

 

Deborah, those last words really say it all. Yes, we had a great love, that's for sure, otherwise we wouldn't be going through hell right now. We have our beautiful memories to hold on to and keep us company, comforting us, especially during those particularly bad days, when our struggle seems "extra"overwhelming. I understand that no human being can live forever, in a couple there will always be one left alone, but I just cannot come to terms with the fact that my C was taken too soon, prematurely. We could have had another thirty years together, it's just so unfair.

 

Deb,

I think you are experiencing, what has become for those of us who are suffering through this total heartbreak, a bittersweet existence. I don't believe we're still on this earth just to be miserable. I believe God has a plan for each one of us, and that we are still a part of this great big, beautiful, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, sometimes over the top scary world, in order to fulfill our purpose in life.

I don't believe for one second that God, or Steve, or Bob, wants for us to continue to be miserable for the rest of our lives, right up until the time moment comes when you're reunited with Steve, I'm reunited with Bob (for eternity). I believe the very best way we can honor Steve and Bob's memories is by living the very best lives we possibly can, without them being able to be (physically) with us.

To repeat myself once again, something I must be notorious for, lol!!!, I learned so much from Bob. He truly taught me how precious life is. I can (almost) hear Bob saying, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." I repeat this to myself every time I feel like I'm about to get stuck on the bottom of this never ending roller coaster ride, a/k/a, life. For me, the secret to not only surviving, but also thriving in this totally f*cked up "new" world we've been thrown into, is to let myself cry, cry for as long, for as hard, as necessary, then pick myself up, brush myself off, and continue doing whatever it is I had planned for the day.

This is much easier for me because I'm retired. Most things on my to do list can be put off until I'm feeling better. You are still teaching, working in what I think is one of the most important professions there is. You have to be on top of your game, whether you're feeling up to it or not. It must SUCK!!! BIG!!! TIME!!!, TUTTAM!!! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult, how challenging, this must be. My heart goes out to you...

Backing way up, even if it was possible, there is NO!!! way I would ever want to forget the love Bob and I shared, the love I still have, always will have, for him. As I think Rose often says, her C is a part of her, a part of all the decisions she makes, just as Robin still includes Ron in all of her plans, feels him watching over her 24/7, I feel Bob's presence all of the time too. I constantly talk to him as if he was still physically with me. I tell him about my dreams, my goals, my fears, and try to imagine what he would say to me.

Steve is a part of you, C is a part of Rose, Bob is a part of me, and all of TGW one true love of their lives, is a part of them, TUTTAM!!! They are a part of our history, helping us morph into the people who we became, bringing out the very best in us. They are not only a part of our history, but also, a very important part of our present, of our future, just in a different way.

I hope however you're spending today, it's the very best day you can possibly have in this crazy, over the top, f*cked up, bittersweet world, we've been thrown into.

As always, sending you and Charlie and Darwin, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

DEB,

What a beautiful statement.

Today, on Mother's Day, my prayer is for all Grief Warriors -

--- who may or may not be mothers to humans and/or animals; and
--- who may or may not be spending the day with children ---

to recall moments of happiness with mothers and to enjoy some time just quietly reflecting on a life filled with joy with the one whom we love forever.

Love to all,

Georgine

 

Rose,

Bob and I never got to enjoy his retirement. It SUCKS!!! BIG!!! TIME!!! Every day, especially now that spring has sprung in TUTTAMVILLE, I see happy couples walking close to each other, holding hands, talking and laughing. My neighbors are excitedly planning summer vacations, many of them heading north to escape the heat in the south, or planning a romantic evening out, dinner at one of the many restaurants with outdoor seating overlooking the ocean, a day trip to one of the many fun, but "touristy" places in TUTTAMVILLE, going to concerts, art shows, festivals, etc, etc, etc... While I'm happy for everyone who is able to share this very special and beautiful time of year with the one true love of his/her life, it makes me so sad...

F*CK!!! this bittersweet existence!!!, TUTTAM!!! A part of me feels like Bob and I got the short end of the stick, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I can't let myself think about this, or else I would self destruct. I have to force myself to think about all the things I'm grateful for, and then, like clockwork, I can almost hear Bob saying, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day."

This morning has been especially difficult for me. I woke up crying. I wanted so much to feel Bob (physically) lying beside me, holding me in his arms... I miss celebrating Mother's Day with Bob and my children. Talking to my children isn't the same as being able to spend quality time together. Then, I had one of those not too enlightening, but still one of those light bulb moments. One of the greatest gifts Bob gave me is our children. A part of Bob lives inside each and every one of them, as well as inside of me... I believe a part of C lives not only inside of you, but inside of your children too.

I hope you have the very best Mother's Day you possibly can, in this totally crazy, f*cked up world, we've been thrown into.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Georgine,

Love this!!! You have such a beautiful way of expressing your feelings.

As always, sending you and your furry and feathered family members, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Happy Mother's Day all! Deb one of the things that gets me through other than my kids is knowing that they are a part of me and Gant. Thats what me and a friend talk about often. I think that's why God gave me my kids is so.that I'd have a part of Gant with me forever. So the memories of our loves and knowing that a part of them is in our children should help us all get through this day. I hope everyone have a blessed day.

 

The apple tree, and two fig trees, are in pots outdoors. In Autumn, after they've gone dormant, I bring them up close to the house for protection. If there is severe weather I cover them. The trees and pots need protection from fluctuating temperatures, the freeze/thaw repetition. In your area a garage or shed might be sufficient if outside is too harsh. Most fruit trees will stay relative to the size of pot they live in.

I want the apple tree in the ground but I can't plant it. It's just too hard, too soon, maybe it will never have apples but I will be able to take it with me if I ever leave this land I tend. It's Kenn's. It feels like burying him. Weird. The semi-dwarf fuji apple in the ground is living a full life. Balance I suppose. The yin and yang of it. ~B

 

Wanting more isn't greedy. It's human. That's what we do, want more of thing we're connected to. People we love.
Of course you wanted more we all did. Expected or unexpected, death is forever and it's impossible for us to wrap our brains around that.
And no, there Never could have been enough time. We all agree on that.
You are beautifully, perfectly human, Deborah. I think you're doing great.
~B

 

Thank you for your kind words Deb, yes, it's exactly what gives me hope to carry on, our children, who carry part of our husbands inside them, just like Sweetcole says too. I was touched by the way you described missing Mother's Day with your Bob. You're so right, we are mothers thanks to our husbands, and they're not here to share this day with us anymore.

Happy Mother's Day to you all too.
❤️
Rose

 

Dear Joy,
Thank you so much for your gracious kindness! ❤️ ❤️ I am working as hard as I can to be a better person, but I don’t always succeed. I’m so grateful to be traveling the grief journey with you!! Hugs and comfort!!

 

Oh yes!! Happy Mothers’ Day to all of the mothers here on the grief journey! ❤️ ☮️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

 

Ditto to all you Mom's and pet Mom's too. Hope your day was good and blessful. K

 

Pet moms are just moms. Period. End of story. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

 

Bernadine and Helena, I checked in with GIC this morning and
saw that many of us simply put
"LIKE" to your posts, but didn't
reply. I feel bad that both of you
had trouble sleeping. It's unusual for Helena to use a
( semi disguised) F-bomb, but I
understand her anger at doctors
who just prescribe antidepressants. I also feel for
Bernadine's heavy feeling in
May, especially about Kenn's
birthday. The change of season
has made me more tired, and the
way I've dealt with it is MORE
sleep, rather than less. I could've
done without Mother's Day.
Neither Linda's mother or mine
shared in our happiness,and weren't invited to our wedding,
Also, Linda didn't have children,
so neither of us liked the holiday.
Mon and Tues were boring and
depressing, bc I missed dancing
to live bands with my fun female
dance partners. Last night, I
decided to reach out and call one
of the female GIC members to hear her voice for the first time.
I'm glad I did, bc it turns out she
was bored. depressed, and lonely, too. We ended up having
a lot of laughs. Things should
pick up next few nights when I
can go out again with my friends. Lou

 

Lou, I believe you have been reading last years posts....?, I don't have the F word in my dictionary!! Hope you are feeling better, sending you a cyber hug. Helena

 

During one of my walks I saw this small water fountain, my inspiration for Wednesday.

 

Helena, you're right! For some
reason, in a Twilight Zone moment,I was caught in a
different time zone. You don't
seem like you would use the F
word, but I don't condemn those
Grief Warriors who do, on
occasion, out of the anger of not
having their soulmates with
them physically ever again. Thank you, I do feel better this
morning , bc I will be going out
with my friends the next few
nights . I have to cultivate a way
to deal with my boredom,
depression , and loneliness at
the beginning of the week. Lou

 

Lou,

I just read your post. It is crystal clear that the love that you and Linda shared was extraordinary. As Van Gogh once said, the greater the love, the greater the pain. You and Linda knew each other so well and loved each other so completely that no one and nothing else mattered. Most likely, there were spouses on Mother's Day, who did not have a scintilla of the feeling for each other that you and Linda had - and have - but spent the day celebrating at restaurants. Then, it was over. You have seen them on their phones barely looking at each other. You would not trade for a minute the false gaiety of others for the deep and penetrating love that you and Linda had on Mother's Days past. Perhaps, that it what we need to contemplate each time we are faced with a situation which has the potential to hurt. That is; what you and Linda shared is so special, so extraordinary - that the pain should be overriden with that fact. Not just a belief, not only memories - but a fact.

I am so happy that you are dancing with your female friends. It is one of the best therapies for this type of grieving that God gives us - for body and soul.

I was about to close this reply when one of Chopin's Nocturnes started playing on the internet radio classical music station. I graduated from the High School of Performing Arts in NYC, and 10 years ago, my class had a reunion at the School. Another classmate and I performed a ballet barre to this piece, which was played on a CD by one of our classmates. My Pierre was with me and filmed the segment.
Is this moment a "God Wink" situation or what !!??

Georgine

 

Oh, Georgine, your words about
my deep and mutual love with
Linda, had me choked up. As
DEB said, you have a profound
way with words. The highest
compliment I can give, is that
Linda would've loved you, like
I do. The fact that you quoted my
favorite painter , Van Gogh,
whose name I used initially to
get on GIC, made your post even
more moving for me. Your
educational background in the
arts is impressive. Linda and I
shared your love for Chopin.
I'm blessed that I live in an art
colony, with music all around us.
In the summer, there will be an
exhibit in our local art museum
for Edward Hopper, whose
paintings of New York would be
very familiar to you. Hopper
lived where I am on the northern coast of Massachusetts
for a while, and painted the
Victorian houses, and captured
the famous "Cape Ann light".
Linda grew up here . I did not,
but I'm glad we ended up here
in what would be Linda's final
years. It is now my forever
home, where I can be happy,
mixed with sad, as Robin so
eloquently puts it. I love your
"God Wink" moment, and I
believe many of us Grief
Warriors have them....Lou