Gary,
What an amazing view outside your window!!! I love!!! how you're taking such good care of the garden Cheryl created. I believe she is always with you, happy, knowing that the garden she once created, is bringing you comfort... Sort of on, mostly off subject, in many ways, this house that I wanted to escape from so badly, this house that only reminded me of some of the very worst moments in Bob's life, in my life..., now reminds me of some of the good times Bob and I shared prior to 2018, prior to moving to SC.
When we remodeled the kitchen, and replaced all the flooring throughout the house, Bob and I picked out everything together. We went to the factory where granite and quartzite counter tops are made, and had fun choosing the quartzite slab used to make our kitchen counter tops and bathroom vanities. I remember how excited we got when we knew at the exact same moment, we had found the perfect wood flooring. These things, and more, reflect both of our personalities. Now, sometimes I feel comforted when I look at the counter tops, the kitchen cabinets, the flooring... I feel Bob's presence in this house, and it's such a wonderful feeling.
While I'm not sure if this house will ever feel like home, and there's still a big part of me that wants to move out of SC, there's a part of me that isn't sure if I should leave. I still need to leave the door to the guest bedroom closed. When I have company, I'm finally able to leave the door to the guest bathroom open. But, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, as soon as I'm alone again, I have to shut it ASAP!!! The horrific memories from the last 24 hours of Bob's life are still over the top vivid, as though they happened only yesterday, and as though they happened a very long time ago, all at once.
I'm so confused!!!, TUTTAM!!! However, unlike earlier in this miserable journey, for lack of a better word, I know that I want to take my time, think things through very carefully before making a decision as to where I want to spend the rest of my time on earth. I now know I can't escape grief. Mr. Grief will be with me as long as I'm on this earth, no matter where I chose to live. Life will always be so very bittersweet!!!, TUTTAM!!!, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, to repeat myself for what must be the zillionth time, I'll take happy mixed with sad. It SUCKS!!!, but, and this is the very last really BIG!!! BUT!!! for tonight, I've accepted that this is as good as it's going to get.
Just lost my train of thought. I'll blame it on my foggy widow brain, lol!!!
As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
Click to expand...