It’s been 29 days since Shalane passed away but it feels like everything happened five seconds ago. I’m hurting day and night, crying in unexpected moments and lonelier than I’ve ever been. I have clear moments when there is peace, when I feel like I can go on, that life can be happy again. Those moments are soon interrupted by the reality that Shalane will never be back and I will be alone. Today I kept some promises I made to her, little things like taking a lamp from one table across the room and putting it on our table that was between our living room chairs. I archived what was on her side of the table and what was on a little tray shalane used every day, put everything in archive boxes with full notes of what things are and notes of love and tribute. Shalane has several Patrick Nagel prints we stored in another room when we moved several years ago and we talked about hanging those up on and off. I’ll be doing that early next year and make the living room a place of honor for Shalane, we were both fighting illnesses over the years and never got those kinds of things done, I am lucky to be alive myself after battling bladder cancer. I feel better when I’m doing things to honor Shalane, the waves don’t hit so much when I’m doing those things. I love Shalane so much, I miss her every second.
