George,
I was about to put away my chrome book but saw this message from you, so I want you to know I'm "listening...," I "get" it. It SUCKS!!!
Although I'm still stuck on this way beyond twisted emotional roller coaster of way too many downs, not enough ups, in general, Mr. Grief hasn't been able to keep as tight a grasp on me. I'm not sure how I've been managing to keep Mr. Grief from invading every single moment of every single day. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm beginning to feel more confident in my ability to take care of myself, I no longer dread financial matters, and surprisingly, I'm no longer fearful of potentially having to evacuate when hurricane season arrives, at the end of June. I made it through the most difficult, most heartbreaking time in my life, the way I look at things now, nothing, and I mean NOTHING!!!, TU!!!, can even begin to compare with the total heartbreak of Bob passing away... I now understand what Robin means when she says we are stronger than we think we are. We have to be, we DO NOT!!! have a choice!!!, TU!!!
I see you in a much different way than you see yourself. I see you as someone who has suffered the most intense pain imaginable, while at same time, having to deal with your own serious health issues, losing your career as a result of this, your connections to the world, plus having to come to terms with the fact that Valerie, while you loved her, and will always love her, with all your heart, wasn't perfect, and had many flaws (as we all do). Also, it must be difficult, although I've never been in this situation, so I can't really know how I would feel, but I'm thinking it must be difficult for you, knowing that your son had such a rocky relationship with his mother.
I see you the way Gary sees you, the way all of TGW see you, as the TUGW, much stronger than you thing you are, always trying to move forward, even though Mr. Grief still has way too tight a grasp on you, plus having to deal with one crisis after another, cleaning out your house, selling your house, finding an apartment in another town, the stress of needing to go to dialysis so frequently, even in miserable winter weather, car repairs, etc, etc., etc., and most recently injuring your finger... In spite of all these obstacles, you bravely face each and every day, always doing the very best you can. I know none of what I've just said helps you in even the smallest of ways, but I had to say it, and have to repeat it, YOU ARE TUGW!!!, TU!!!
Being able to verbalize your feelings with all of us, in spite of how depressed you are IS progress, although to you, I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. The most important thing of all, is that you are NOT!!! giving up. You are doing all the hard work grieving forces us to do, you are going through all the pain.., so physically..., so emotionally draining... You ARE moving forward.
I know this doesn't help you feel any better either, but true love is eternal. No one, nothing, can take away the over the top, intense love, you had for Valerie, and still have for Valerie. Someday when your purpose on earth has been fulfilled, you will be reunited with her. Until then, we'll be here with you, every step of the way, as you continue to battle Mr. Grief, as you continue to struggle to find yourself again, without Valerie beside you. I believe Valerie would consider you the TUGW too. Hang in there. We all love you...
As always, sending you lots of hugs, and lots more love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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