Unbearable grief. Please help me.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, Apr 2, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Today the pain became suddenly more intense and unbearable, perhaps because I met my sister who I hadn't seen since the pandemic started at my mother's apartment to go through things. My mother passed away a year ago and my husband of 40 years passed away about three weeks ago.

    I miss my husband so much that I cannot stand it and I feel so guilty about not being nicer to him. I believe that if I had been nicer he might still be alive. Although I know he was very sick and didn't see doctors like he should etc. How can I bear the thought that I will never see him again on earth. He is the only one who could make me feel better about this.
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, please see a grief counselor ASAP.
    I felt so much unbearable guilt that I
    was impatient and not loving & affectionate with Linda toward what
    would be her final days on earth in the
    rehab wing of a nursing home. I couldn't
    sleep bc of my PTSD over seeing her
    collapse, then die, right in front of me,
    and I didn't get the chance to tell her
    how much I loved her. I had to go to
    the ER, bc I felt suicidal. I started seeing
    a kind psychiatric nurse practitioner/
    grief counselor soon after. She suggested
    this wonderful site. Lou
  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Wrapping you in the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug… You didn’t have any control over your husband’s death. I believe God decides when it’s time for us to leave earth. Even if you don’t share this belief, there is NO!!! way you are the least bit responsible for your husband passing away.

    It wouldn’t have mattered if you never said a harsh word to him!!!, TMFUTTAMFM!!! All couples have less than perfect moments. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Your husband knew how much you loved him, still love him. Your love for him, his love for you, is what really matters.

    All the “should haves,” “could haves,” would haves,” accomplish is to make us feel guilty. I think all of us feel guilty at times. I know I do. There are times when I wish I hadn’t listened to Bob, when he first began getting sick, but before he was diagnosed with cancer. I think if only I had forced him to get a second opinion sooner…. I didn’t like the doctor who he was seeing, and I don’t think Bob did either, but the practice was close to where he worked. Being a type A workaholic, managing a department that he created, he refused to go anywhere else. There was no way I could force him to get a second opinion. He had to want to do this himself. Guilt only makes me feel badly about something I had no control over.

    I think Lou gave you excellent advice. I hope you find a grief counselor who you like, who can help you through the very darkest days of your life.

    I’m texting on my phone, have trouble with the small keyboard, so hope this makes sense. I’m exhausted, too tired to proof this, so I hope it says what I want it to say. I was going to delete it, “talk” to you tomorrow, but decided to just hit send.

    Sending you lots more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
    Gary166, cjpines, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  4. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    As we've talked about before and Deb mentioned today the guilt is normal. We all think of things we coulda or shoulda done better. A grief counselor could be a good idea. I remember you said you were looking into that anyway. I understand that you're using the site to vent and that's good im glad you're getting it out. Try writing a letter to your hubby expressing everything that you're feeling. Sometimes just getting it out helps. Going through items bring up alot of emotions. You're going through your moms things on top of dealing with losing your better half thats alot. I understand exactly what u feeling. One is enough to deal with doing both adds on extra stress. Then the one person u want to turn to you can't. Take deep breaths and get fresh air. Praying for your strength!
    Gary166, DEB321, Rose69 and 1 other person like this.
  5. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your supportive words. I have just started therapy with a social worker and even have an appointment with a psychopharmocologist later today. Please know that people like me are so grateful to you for the support and advice you give.
    JackieH1029, Gary166, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  6. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    What you said makes so much sense and a lot of it applies to my husband who wouldn't see the right doctors and many other things. Your words are comforting and helpful. Thank you so much for being here.
  7. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Daisy, I can't tell you how many times I've repeated to myself about how I should have been nicer to my husband, I should have been a better wife, shouldn't have done this and that and so on. Why don't I think about the good things I did? My husband was in the medical profession, but going for health checks was out of the question, I wouldn't have been able to convince him, but honestly, he had never had any health problems, always strong, fit, very active, no symptoms for an imminent heart attack. Now I realise, reading other experiences, also on this site, what happened to him is unfortunately quite common. I'm slowly succeeding in taking a distance from these "guilt" thoughts, unfortunately they are typical for anyone who has lost a life partner. The human mind is so complicated, we want to blame someone or something for what's happened and the target is ourselves, because we feel helpless, guilty that we're still alive and they aren't, could we have done something to stop the course of events leading up to our loss? No, no, no, is the answer,we had no control, we did what we thought was best at the time, what the circumstances forced us to do and what our soulmates wished us to do.
    Take care and I hope you find some peace of mind with the therapy you have started.
  8. LizOntarioCanada

    LizOntarioCanada New Member

    You are loved.
    Gary166, Van Gogh and Rose69 like this.
  9. JackieH1029

    JackieH1029 Active Member

    Daisy - I lost my wife around 2.5 months back. As many have said, Guilt is part of the process. Avoid 'ruminating'. We are humans and all relationships are kinda flawed. It's easy to look back and say 'I wish' because we want it to be better. Life happens. And we as humans hate the idea that we have no control to reverse the tragedy. It's normal to go down rabbit holes, but clear yourself of the guilt. You'll had a good life. Some people live their whole life searching for someone. Look for the silver linings. Think of the good times when both of you'll were nice to each other. Find comfort in that. You did your best. And your hurt shows your love. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, get some sunshine daily, go for walks and have faith it all gets better. Humans have dealt with death for centuries and our brains have evolved to protect us and re-map our new reality.
    cjpines, Gary166, Van Gogh and 2 others like this.
  10. JackieH1029

    JackieH1029 Active Member

    I agree with the idea of writing a letter. Or make a list of things you could re-do and make things nicer. Express it! Let it out! If necessary, talk to him. Cry and talk to friends.
  11. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for loss. Your post was one of someone wise and experienced in his years. Sorry we all had to meet this way but this is a good site. It helps to talk to people that have gone through the same type of loss so they can help by listening and give good advice as you did to Daisy. Praying for all of us to continue to get stronger with each passing day.
    Gary166, Van Gogh and Rose69 like this.