Trying To Cope. I Miss Him So Much.

You’re being such a good friend and I’m glad he’s open to staying in touch with you. He sounds like a very hard working young man. I’m sure his Mom was very proud of him. I hope he gets some time to mourn his Mom and meet up with you. I’m sure it would be good for both of you. Take care of yourself, you’re hurting too.

 

Thank you for your reply! I feel like I'm not really being a good enough friend to this young man right now (other things going on in my family) but hope I can help him in some way. Actually, heard from him, and he went to the beach for a week! I'm excited for him that he got to go away from work for that long (and I"m shocked) because his work usually doesn't let anyone go on any vacations this time of year. I assume he went with friends, haven't heard exactly who the people were, he doesn't have a lot of family really. Hope you are doing well, too. Yeah, it's just so weird now without having her to talk to! I think of things that happen at work, and I think, oh I will have to tell her about that . . . ??? What am I doing? Guess I was just so used to being able to go and tell her almost anything that bothered me.

 

Hi Steven,

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I too am going through the same thing with losing my husband. We were together 35 years and married for 5 of those years. Together all the time. He passed away just last month and I am in extreme agony. Physical, mental, emotional. It’s like being in the worst nightmare one can imagine. I am also having the awful guilty feelings of what if? Why didn’t I? I should have! I’m sorry! Everything that is happening to you is also happening to me. Nothing seems to be helping me really. I cry quite a few times throughout my day. Sometimes they’re small sort of quiet cries and sometimes they’re loud uncontrollable sobbing sessions. And anger at myself for things we think about. I love and miss my Tony so much and it just hurts all the time.
When I catch myself laughing I feel guilty. And all I can think of is I want to be with my baby.

Raymond

 

Hi Glagolitic,

I wonder if I’m going to last as long as you have because I don’t feel like I can.

Raymond

 

Hi MobyDC,

Neither do I. It’s been a month for me. If you’d like to talk please talk to me. I’m trying to find other gay widowers to connect with who are going through the same thing I am.

Sincerely,
Raymond

 

I could have easily written the same words as you Raymond. "guilty feelings of what if? Why didn’t I? I should have! I’m sorry!" It's been almost 21 months and those are still the thoughts and emotions I have. I think sometimes I've worked through some aspect and then that thing will come roaring back as if it's new. Every day I want him here. We don't even need to be talking or doing anything. Just having him near would be enough. The one thing that keeps me going is the absolute certainty that my partner Stephen would not want me to feel the way I'm feeling. Without that, I don't think I would even be trying. He didn't like to see me unhappy. He hurt when I hurt. I have to continue so I can honor him. Keep talking about your husband. Keep reaching out. Deal with it your way. No one can tell you how or what you should be feeling.

 

Hi Jasper,

I’m feeling the exact same way. What’s the point? I feel like I don’t have anything to live for any longer. All I ever wanted or thought about was our life together and into old age. And then he passed away all of a sudden. We weren’t expecting it. I don’t want to go into more detail because it is just way too painful but I feel like I’m in hell being punished for something. It’s horrifying.
Im thinking the same thing you are. I don’t want to be single. I want my Tony back!
I go to bed crying, I wake up and cry when I realize I’m still here and he is gone. And I cry a few times in between waking and sleeping. It’s terrify. If you need to talk I’m open. I need to talk myself.

Sincerely,
Raymond

 

Hi,

I’m feeling all that as well. So many awful feelings. People say well try and think of all the good times you guys had together. I tell them how can I? All I can think about is how much I miss him.

Raymond

 

Thank you Mike,

I appreciate your kind words. In a messed up way it helps to read others posts here and seeing I’m not the only one. That’s how it feels really. That you’re the only one going through this harrowing experience.

 

Mike,

I am so sorry for your loss. I experience the same emotions that you have expressed. It is approaching eleven months since my partner and the love of my life for nearly thirty-one years, Allan, died of COVID-19 related complications. He was disabled the last six years of his life. I was his care taker. I remember so many times that due to his incontinence, I had just finished cleaning and redressing him when he would have another involuntary release. I would lose my patience with him especially if I was tired. I would do anything to be with him again. I talk to him everyday. I tell him how much I love and miss him. I always told him how much I loved him. I am so grateful for that.

Please take good care of yourself. I am a new member.

DougM

 

Thank you DougM. I don't know how many times I would lose my patience and then tell myself later to not let it happen again, but it would. I do think he understood but it doesn't make it easier for me. And now, all those things seem so unimportant.

Take care of yourself,
Mike

 

Mike,

I firmly believe deep in my heart that both you and I did everything we could for our beloved. We have to remember that we are human and only have human limitations. I also understand the guilt we feel at times. Toward the end of Allan’s life, he developed encephalopathy which diminished his cognitive abilities. He told me that I was enjoying vacation time when he was in the hospital, and that he didn’t know what I would do but that when he was released from the hospital, he was not coming home to me. It broke my heart to hear that. I know that he wasn’t in his right frame of mind, but nonetheless it hurt me deeply.

The one thing I have learned in these last ten months or so is the greater the love you shared, the deeper and more intense the grief you experience.


Take care and try to be good to yourself.

DougM