Trying and failing to cope

Thanks Robin! Having an intense night talking to pictures of my sweetie... Death Sux! I keep telling Valerie I WILL be strong.
Thatz my art goal... not to make money or stuff... just to help people!

 

You are strong George! I’d say you’re meeting your goal, you’re helping people. Talking to pictures can be very helpful and can be a trigger. But we need those pictures.

 

Grief will always be there somewhere...

 

Yes, fellow Grief Warrior. I came
up with something to fight off
Karen's Mr. Grief. The image
makes me smile. It is of
Inspector Clouseau ( Peter
Sellers) being attacked
physically, in a pre arranged
deal,with Cato, to keep Clouseau on his toes, mentally,and
physically. ,Lou

 

Hello Ostickblack, I want to join my friends in sending you my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife. Only others who have lost a soulmate can understand what it's like being left without your "other half", feeling completely lost, a part of you being torn away. I lost my 57-year-old husband suddenly from a heart attack 2 and a half years ago, leaving an immense emptiness in my life. The images of his last minutes still torment me, and it hurts so much to think that my son and daughter were also there at the time, witnessing the whole horrific scene, then my daughter trying CPR, while waiting for the ambulance. I just wish they hadn't seen him that way.
For the next eleven months, while my mind was in a state of shock and numbness, I became a carer (with my daughter's help) for my MIL, as she had been suffering from dementia and now she had no family left, except for us , and if that wasn't enough she fell down a couple of months after losing her son , breaking her thighbone. After surgery, we tried to keep her at home in her house, following her desperate wishes, but she was bedridden, wouldn't collaborate with the physiothetapist, who only came twice a week anyway. So we had to send her to a specialised clinic where they managed to at least get her walking again. Her dementia was just getting worse, even with the meds they were giving her, there is no miraculous therapy of course, but at least it was under control, no longer had sudden uncontrollable nervous outbursts. A few months later she sadly passed away, at 84. I understand how heartbreaking it is to watch a beautiful person deteriorating each day, with that terrible cognitive decline and memory loss. It must be so much harder when it is the one person you shared your whole life with, two souls, two hearts, two minds, all fused together as one.
Remember your joyful times together, you will always be a part of each other. Our soulmates are always with us, guiding us along this journey we never wished to take. Like Robin says about her Ron, I feel my C always beside me, walking me through everything I have to face in life, difficult situations, problems, giving me a little "push" of encouragement everytime I stumble. I'll never stop saying, agreeing with many here, that going for walks in nature, breathing in fresh air, admiring the beautiful natural surroundings, helps to clear the mind and provides some solace from this everlasting pain we're going through.

Sending you peace.
Rose.

 

Rose, woke up this am, at 8, my
time, and checked GIC as usual.
I can always depend on you to
write an eloquent, moving piece
( in what is my middle of the
night) from your beautiful
country of Italy. Thank you for
giving comfort to Pete, over
death of wife, Eve. Last night.
we celebrated, belatedly, our
Independence Day, on the Fourth of July. The fireworks had to be postponed 'til last night, due to rain. Unfortunately, the
fog was so dense over the ocean
that although one could hear the
fireworks, one could barely see
them. Since I haven't bothered
with them since Linda's death
over
4 & a half years ago,I shrugged it off, and did a pub crawl, without
drinking, searching for bands to
which to dance. I've noticed
a tall man dancing to the beat--
by himself--- and admired him
for that. Soon, young children
were dancing with uninhibited
joy nearby. Without hesitation,
I joined in. When the man saw
me, we made eye contact, and he
gave me a smile and a fist bump.
I asked his name, and I was
amused when he said Lou. I shook his hand, & said my name
is Lou, too. Whenever we see
each other, we do a silent
acknowledgement of our common interest in the joy of
dancing. Turns out Tall Lou is
from Brazil, with a more easy
going style than the U.S.We
spoke to 2 Brazilian women, who
were more interested in drinking & talking with each
other,than dancing with us. I
liked Brazilian Lou's attitude.
He was about the music and
dancing & didn't care.After this,
I ran into one of my regular
dance partners. I ended up
talking about Linda, and that
I didn't know anyone when she
suddenly & shockingly died in
front of me.It felt good to talk
about Linda, bc she'll always be
my "other half", as you said.I also said I didn't believe in
coincidences, and that God brings people into our lives. Lou
,

 

it will be 6 months on the 15th of july that i lost my wife of 44 years. how can i go on. i am lost and very sad

 

Im.sorry for your loss but you are in the right place. It's sad that we all had to meet each other through losing our significant others but we support one another without judgement. You're grieving and and it's a recent loss so what you are feeling is normal. I can't tell you how to get through it because everyone's process is different but I can suggest taking deeming breaths and getting as much fresh air as possible. Don't put too.much pressure on yourself about grieving. It's been 3 years since i.lost my Gant and I'm still sad.some days. My son is 7 and cried yesterday because he's worried about who's going to teach him how to be a man. It breaks my heart that he's that young worrying about that but he asks on many occasions. I pray for.strength each day. Believe it or not time makes us stronger and all though you'll still think about your wife some of those things that make you sad will make you smile.

 

Hello Lou, thank you for your kind comments and also for saying our country is beautiful. I'm glad you've made a new friend who even has the same name as you! It sounds like your dance therapy is doing you good, keep it up. Sorry to hear your 4th July fireworks were overshadowed by that fog, but I understand that you are no longer interested without your Linda beside you, even though she is with you all the time, just not physically.
I went to that concert I told you about, he sang marvelously, the atmosphere was beautiful and it was a very warm evening. I was with my son and daughter but I still felt so lonely, strange, so out of place and awkward, without my C with me. That feeling of emptiness and numbness follows me wherever I am, wherever I go. I did get very teary-eyed when the singer sang "our" songs. The good thing was that the audience was made up of people my age or older, so at least for this reason, I felt the same as others. Actually, my daughter, laughing, commented that she and her brother were the youngest in the whole audience! I told her that it means they have a good cultural background for appreciating great music,and I know that it's thanks to their dad.
You made me smile when you used the words "pub crawl", I thought it was London slang, now I see that you use that expression too.
It's getting hotter and hotter here, at last no rain! I hope that rain you had was just passing by, and the sunshine's back again.
Rose.

 

Sweetcole, I was so moved reading your post, and your little son's words brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry your children are growing up without their dad now, but he will still live on through them and through you, you will all carry his love with you, comforting you all and giving you strength.
Rose

 

Good afternoon,
I am so terribly sorry to hear about your loss of precious Eve. It may not be comforting to know this, but I have heard many grieving spouses (and grieving parents and others in grief) express their feeling that they can’t go on. I have felt that myself at moments. Love is such a small word for the enormous beauty and joy we had in our lives with our partners. Deb says it best, it really sucks. It sucks. Sucks is such a small word for the size of our pain. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am so glad you found this place. People are always listening here, and they will always understand and listen and send love and hugs and support. Hang on to your supporters. Time makes things a bit easier, but anniversaries are hard, so hard. On anniversaries and special days (holidays, birthdays, events) I often find myself remembering some wonderful moments and feeling the loss. Try if you can to take good care of yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others or set yourself up with expectations for when the pain will ease. Be gentle with yourself. You are walking with grief, and you have everyone here with you. It sucks, but we’re here in this together. Sending you love, hugs and comfort. ❤️

 

Kelso, I am so sorry for your loss, you've come to the right place here, we can all relate to your pain,, we have all sadly lost our soulmates and you will find much empathy and comfort sharing with everyone on this site. I lost my husband on the 15th too, but the month was November, two and a half years ago, from a sudden heart attack, we had recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We can understand your devastation, feeling of loneliness and numbness, I saved my sanity by joining this site. Like many here, I find that walking around in nature, fresh air, helps to clear my mind, giving me a sense of peace. It's also important not to repress your feelings, the mistake I made, and cry out anything that crosses your mind, you can share whatever you're feeling with us, we will listen and empathize with you. Only others who have gone through the same loss, of a life partner, can understand.
Sending you strength.
Rose

 

Good evening Kelso—

I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. If you are feeling lost or like me, — feeling overwhelmed or feeling like it’s so hard to go on, you are in the right place. Everyone here is so supportive and loving. I’m still working and trying to finish my masters degree, stay busy at church and in the community, but I still feel loneliness four years after the death of my husband. It’s grief—and it can feel enormous. But you are not alone. I’m not here as often as some of the grief in common (GIC) support group members, but they’re all compassionate, empathetic, loving and supportive people. Please keep us in mind when you are feeling lost. Your loved one is always in your heart, and we’re always here by your side. Grief can be overwhelming, and at times it’s all consuming. But you will get through this, and the people here will love and support you through it. Take good care of yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your loved one, with gentle loving care. Sending hugs, comfort and love. ❤️

 

Rose I’m happy to hear although it was difficult you did enjoy the atmosphere the warm air with no rain and the special songs. I did think of you on the evening of the 4th, and prayed you had clear weather and were able to enjoy being out with your children. I went to my concert last night. It was also a beautiful evening with warm air breezes off the ocean. I watched all the boats in the water and thought of being at the theater with Ron and how they used to have boats drop off the artists to the stage. And also how happy he’d be that I got out and listened to music. I also cried, but I’m glad I went. The emptiness, numbness and loneliness sure follow us everywhere. But we keep trying, because your C, my Ron and everyone’s spouses want that for us. Im glad your rain rain has stopped, we’re getting rain today and tomorrow. But we need it. Everything is so dry. Enjoy the sunshine! Robin

 

Robin, I was thinking of you too, I remembered you had also said you'd be attending an open air concert. That beautiful atmosphere you describe by the ocean sounds absolutely wonderful. I'm also glad you went, we have both crossed a milestone being able to do this without your Ron and my C. It's so hard but we can go on because our beloveds will always be part of us,guiding us along our obstacle course, our hearts are filled with their love.
It's 7. 30am here and I'm finally able to sit outside in our backyard, drinking my coffee like we used to do often together in the Summer. Today, Sunday, we would have surely planned to go on a motorbike ride up on our nearby mountain, but now I will just spend the day talking to him, remembering our fun day trips. At least I can finally go for long strolls around our property, I've had all that grass cut and ugly weeds pulled up, they were nearly taller than me, it was like walking through a jungle.
You say you need a little rain as everything is so dry, it's the opposite for us, we need at least three months without a drop of rain, to dry up our "soggy" land, and all the humidity in our houses. The problem is that our climate has changed, we either get months of constant torrential rain, or none at all, completely unbalanced. I remember when we used to have long periods of drought during the Summer months, praying for rain, those days are long gone.
Wishing you a sunny, warm Summer, Robin.
Rose.

 

Dear Robin and all my friends, I've just proved in my last post, how my foggy brain is getting even foggier! I was convinced it was Sunday but a few minutes later, when I called my mother, she said she'd just come back from the greengrocer's and I commented how odd it was that her greengrocer was open on a Sunday! She then told me it was actually Monday, I went into a panic, oh my, I thought, I really have it bad! I'm trying to justify myself, thinking that I got confused because my son went to work exceptionally yesterday evening , I remember commenting that it was unusual for a Sunday. What a muddle!
Rose

 

Hi Ostickblack
It is heartbreaking to read of the loss of your lovely wife and best friend.
I have lost my husband a month ago, after we both thought he was getting better from chemo. He was doing so well, but then caught a virus and died 4 days later. I was wrecked with guilt as to what I could and should have done differently to save him. He was my best friend and soulmate and I too am alone. Friends and family stay far away or overseas and I felt utterly alone. I knew I had to do something to keep me from going insane and I gogled grief groups until I found this group. Please stick around even if it is hard to do. This group has welcomed me and help me so much. I have found friends here and are corresponding with people even though we are on other side of the world. I am from South Africa and my step sons stay in Spain and UK.
What helps me is to stay busy, make a list of stuff to do and try doing something new or challenging. Conquering something that I thought ai could or would never do keeps me going and leaves one with a sense of accomplishment as I now have to figure out a lot of stuff on my own that my precious hubby always took care of. We are here for you whenever you want to share or are battling and here we do understand the anguish that can wash over you like a wave.
Take care of yourself like you know your lovely soulmate would want you to. Do it to honour her memory.
Suretha

 

Thank you Rose, we did or we are crossing a milestone as we push ourselves through things that are difficult without C and Ron with us. I find it much easier to to do the things that are necessities in life then the things that are enjoyable. I’m still a work in progress that’s for sure. Ron and I had those conversations, I know he wants me to enjoy life. I’m trying. My daughter took a selfie of us and I looked at it and told her I think I genuinely look happy in that picture. She agreed. Probably the first time since Ron passed. I’m glad you’re feeling up to having your morning coffee in your backyard. These things that are everyday life become so hard now. That’s a big milestone for you. Motorbike rides, what a special way you enjoyed Sundays.
The rain we had was torrential and at 4am I got a very startling alert about a tornado in my area. I’ve never experienced that alert in the middle of the night. Thankfully I didn’t have a tornado but the weather was scary for sure. I’m back to sunny warm weather. My weather was nothing like you’ve been going through. I can’t imagine rain for that many days. Glad you’re having sunny days now.
Rose, are all your stores closed on Sundays? I remember when I was a child everything was closed on Sundays. So different now where everything is open every day, just shorter hours on Sundays.
I still don’t have my modem up and running. I need a technician to come look at things. But the room he will need to be in needs some work. It’s where many things from me closing our business ended up. It’s been terribly emotional going through those things. Thankfully I changed my phone plan and have unlimited data so I have that at least.
Foggy brain, all of us have been there!
Have the sun is still shining! Robin

 

I think I'm all of the above, Ugh!