Trying and failing to cope

Good afternoon. I lost my best friend and wife of 60 years 1 year ago today. She had dementia and I was her sole career. I have no family or friends (the friends we had disappeared within a week of Eve dying). I have a cat.
For a year I have struggled to go from one day to the next with no idea how. Mostly I just want to die, but kind of accept that isn't an option.
I read that it "will get easier" as time passes. My experience is it doesn't, not for me.
I really have no idea how I can face whatever future I might have without Eve.
Thank you for reading this.

 

Dear Ostickblack, my heart goes
out to you over the death of your
wife and soulmate, Eve, of 60
years. We have something in
common, in that we are both in
our 70s. A big difference is that
my wife, Linda, and I were
married, 25 years,no children.
Another difference is that Eve
had dementia, a sad , slow
decline toward death. Linda
was treated for breast cancer,
admitted to a hospital, then a
rehab unit of a nursing home.
After her last years of a mostly
sedentary lifestyle, her mobility
issue became severe, and she
had to use a came, then a walker. The physical therapists
in the unit, were trying to help
her walk. One day, she collapsed,
and soon died, right in front of
me. She was 68. Like you, I
wanted to die along with her.
I kept reliving the last moments
I saw her alive. I chose not to
see her lifeless body at the
hospital after her sudden, shocking death. I couldn't sleep,
had PTSD, drank too much, which made me more depressed.
My suicidal ideations caused me
to seek a grief counselor. Like
you, my wife was my best ( and
only) friend & family. This
happened over 4 & a half years
ago. Since then, my life has
improved, and I'm grateful to
God that I did not take my own
life.Someday, I believe the spirit
of Linda & mine will somehow
be reunited, bc a soul has to go
somewhere after death. I've
been more convinced of God &
an afterlife, after hearing the
story from a friend about his
near death experience. Thank
you for being brave enough to
say Eve's name. May I ask your
first name? I noticed you live
outside the U.S. May I ask in
which country? 3 of our
widows live in Italy, South
Africa, and Australia. In the
past, widowed persons came
from Canada. My name is Lou,
and I live on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. Welcome
to Grief in Common ( GIC).
I hope you stay with us. Lou

 

Patti,great to see you put a
"LIKE" to my post . You and
Karen were the first 2 people
to welcome me to GIC 2 years
ago. So much has happened
for all of us in our grief journeys
that it seems like a longer time
since we "met". Haven't heard
from you in a while, Patti, but
I know you are following all
The Grief Warriors ( TGW). Hope
this finds you in better health
and you can post again, if and
when you feel like it. Lou

 

Hei Lou

Thank you for responding to my piece. I am so sorry to hear Linda had breast cancer. My first name is Pete. I’m 80. So was Eve when she died.

I’m Norwegian, but live in Southern Spain. Because I was Eve’s sole career, and I had promised her (years ago) I would never put her in a hospice (she hated the idea), she died in her own bed with me holding her hand. I guess I, too, drink more than I should, and yes, it doesn’t help at all! We were both of us atheists so never turned to a god for help or comfort. Sometimes I envy people who have a faith.

 

Thank you so much, Pete , for
saying your name & sharing
more with us .I have to go out, but I just want to saythat my
friends here will reach out to
you.... Lou

 

Ostickblack, I’m sorry for the loss of your wonderful wife/best friend Eve. Dementia is so hard on everyone, I’m so sorry she suffered with that horrible disease my Mom suffered with dementia, I know what it feels like watching a loved one go through that. I’m on this site because I lost Ron to a very sudden and massive heart attack. He was the picture of health. We were married 41 years, we operated a business together that I had to close myself. We were about to retire and start traveling. Like you and Eve, Ron and I were best friends, our on,y friends, the friends I had disappeared just like you had happen. It’s so sad, but people don’t understand unless they’ve lost their soul mate. I can picture every minute of our last day together on Nov 17, 2018. Beautiful weather, we did errands and chores visited my daughter I made a pot of chicken rice soup which he ate heartedly. We bought our turkey for Thanksgiving, we were hosting and looking forward to it. Ron never got to have any, after he picked out our turkey. While watching tv he started feeling stomach sick, then his chest hurt and I called 911. I can feel my heart ache as I write this, I go right back to that day. I was sure he was going to be ok. I sure was wrong. While waiting to get rolled in the ambulance, he yelled , I love you Robin, 3 or 4 times. For everyone to hear. Although I regret not saying it back, I did hold his hand and let him know I would follow the ambulance. But Ron yelling I love you Robin, was my last gift from my wonderful soul mate. It does get easier, or we just grow stronger but the peaks and valleys are always there. Just yesterday, after 4 1/2 years I felt I could take him off my cell phone plan, I couldn’t do it. I’m thankful my daughter was with me cause I started crying. So he’s still on my plan. That one thing that I thought I could do, made me miss him more. I cried all the way home. It’s stupid but I feel like I’m erasing him sometimes. What helps me the most and many others is getting fresh air. Getting my blood flowing, all the sudden things feel some better. We all keep going because that’s what our wonderful spouses would want for us. We live for them. They helped mold us into the people we are, they are a part of us. I feel Ron every day. And he walks me through projects. I credit this site for helping me in so many ways. There’s never any judgement, everyone understands what you’re feeling. It took me a year to find this site and I’m so glad I did. There’s a whole community or family if you will, here to support you in any way we can.
Please take care of yourself and visit the site often. Sending you hugs, Robin

 

I posted art on Wednesday.. used up the last of my canvases. Dance on and shake a leg of thunder tonight!

 

Welcome to the best site for the grieving GIC. GIC saved me a year and a half ago. There are great, caring people on here. My bestie Valerie died 19 months ago. Through GIC and therapy I have been learning to let go and fulfill her dying wish... That I try to be happy. I miss her so much and dream about her every night. Time really DOES help, but I will never stop grieving... the difference is that I practice mindfulness and really try to focus on myself in the immediacy. I cared for her for around two years as she was dying of terminal cancer. It traumatized me seeing my love die. Grief is probably the hardest thing. Try to be strong and kind to yourself... I stopped the excessive guilt and you can too!

 

I posted Wednesday art if you are interested... Only the DEB saw it I think... Art helps me keep trying to try! Take care Robin!

 

Lombardo of Berwynville..
I don't remember your art on
Wed, but it was the day after a
busy Fourth . When you want a
break from painting, you could
use photographs . Lobster Lou

 

Brother George, I was moved by
your words welcoming Pete to
GIC. I had to look twice, bc you
sounded like Gary, DEB, Robin ,
and others, with your semi
"book". Once Pete gets to know
you,you can try your funny
wordplay. Our band of brothers
is growing. I'm no longer the
oldest, with Pete and Jeff. Lou

 

I try me Bro! Gary is such a great influence for sure! Dance yo a** off tonight!

 

I put it in the Wednesday Art Therapy thread... You can also see them on my DA website! https://www.deviantart.com/eyepilot13

 

Thanks, partner ! At country
music band with my cowboy
hat. Damn right, I'll be dancing
to Haggard, Cash, Nelson,
Jennings , etc. Ms. Hum
would know what I'm talking
about, bc I think she & Jack
liked country music. Lou Haggard!

 

I like "old Country" That Johnny Cash stuff.. But what can I say I am a Rocker mostly, but I get down in my Aparatamant to the Funky Chicago House Too! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBOilJrSV50Zme_GNcfDYTA

 

I have eclectic tastes!

 

Dear Ostickblack—

I hope I got this right. Life without our precious loved ones is so painful, difficult and confusing. Please don’t worry too much about doing anything the right way. Your survival and well being are all that matters right now. Find ways to take care of yourself, just as you know your partner would want you to do. Eat healthy food (good protein and healthy fruits and vegetables). Get outside and see the sun and breathe in the fresh air and sunshine. Nurture you. Love yourself. These sound so simple , but they are so difficult to do when you’re all alone and trying so hard to survive. But remember, each day is a gift. It might only be a few moments when you remember your love. It’s all we might have, but it is huge. Hang on and keep coming back here: you are not alone and you. We’re here together for you.

 

Shake yo funky Groove thang!

 

I’m always interested. George I just found it and love them! I’m so happy that art is helping you to keep trying. Keep trying, your art helps others too!

 

Im.sorry for your loss. It sad that we all have to meet this way but this is a good place to be because everyone here understands each other. People that haven't been through it doesn't understand that why they disappear. I.never get why people stop calling or just reaching out after the funeral. The pain doesn't stop then. I had a great aunt with dementia so it can be heart breaking seeing them go.through it. Losing your other half is devastating. Time makes you stronger to.deal with the pain. You've been given good advice. Take deep breaths and do things to take care of yourself. It does seem.to get worse before it gets better but you showed courage by joining this site. Try make a list of things to do to.give yourself something to.look.forward to and do at least one thing a day.