Too Much Loss

Sorry Grief Warriors I' have been having a LOT OF TROUBLE going on line and saying stuff. It has been that hard! Since the holiday BS I can't seem to get it together and do anything. I am really sorry I can't be more supportive and involved right now in helping my friends on GIC. I am just so self-involved trying to get through each and every very hard day. Brutally cold in Chicago, barely above zero degrees! I despise and hate winter!
Why am I so self involved...

too much loss has hit me.

A year ago Valerie was starting the process of final dying days.
When I was 6 my father died of Cancer.
6 years ago I lost my teaching career because of kidney disease.
2 months ago I lost my house.
2 years ago I lost my world due to the insane "Kult"

Your Wife is DEAD! deal with it EPX!!! You can't go back
Valerie just wants you to be happy! I can't!
I am not interested in the same stuff anymore, oh well...
I feel so BAD inside
My Grief is invisible to the people still in my life, no one knows or cares...
I am SAD and lonely

I feel so guilty I can't help more but in order to help others I first need to help myself. Not sure how to do this. But I fight to get through each day.

I am still here and go on GIC every day
I "like" comments to let you all know I'm here and reading them.

I was doing a bit better in November but after moving I feel really crappy again. And the Holiday junk did not help, Now winter's here and I hate Winter!

Wishing everyone peace, calm, and hope.

 

George,
No explanations needed ever. You’ve been through so much it’s amazing you’re able to write at all. Letting your feeling out is a start. Might not feel like it at the moment but it is good. This life thrown at us is certainly not easy and nothing prepares us for how devastating it is and no one in our daily lives understand the pain. Not even a little. I’ve tried to explain it to family members after they tell me they thought I wanted to be alone. God NO! I need someone to care. Someone to pick up the phone and ask how I’m doing or just listen. They still don’t get it. Now if by some miracle someone asks how I’m doing I can’t even answer. I cry. Someone cares. People say you can call me. No I can’t, call and say I feel like crap today, I can’t do that. As you know George, we all get it. You’re giving people support even when you don’t realize. But it’s so not necessary. I can’t imagine weather that cold. I have 8” of snow that fell during the night, I’ve tried to shovel some and that makes me sad. Ron would never let me shovel. But making a path for Ted did get my blood flowing and I felt a little better. We’re here for you, vent as much as you need. Try to dig deep and come up with something positive. I know, I know, stupid thing to say, but give it a try to turn your thoughts around even if just a little. Today for me my positive thoughts so far is that even though Ron would t let me shovel I was able to and I know he’d be proud.
Try to move around even a little.
Sending you hugs! And love. Robin

 

Thanks Robin! I appreciate the hugs and love. It took all week to get the energy to try and communicate onLine. It is pretty cool that you could shovel snow. That is positive and empowering. I think my positive is getting through each day and doing what I need to. But I'm such a mess the rest of the time. Seeing snow makes me think about Valerie and how she's always nag me to snoBlow or Shovel. Another thing I can miss. Entering into a new life at 56 is not easy!
Much love and hugs! George

 

No none of this is easy. But people don’t understand just how hard it is. I have 2 snow blowers sitting in my garage that I can’t use. Too big for me plus probably won’t work after sitting so long. I made Ron get them. Didn’t want him to die while shoveling snow of a heart attack. Isn’t that something. Heart attack took him anyway. And yes, your positive is getting through each day, plus you got on line and wrote a post. I know it’s not easy sometimes. We’re not hearing from Lou much either. He is liking posts like you are. I just wrote him. To check on him. I think the holidays wore us all down. Took so much energy to get through. Covid certainly isn’t helping. I know it wears on me. Plus this cold weather, dark days. Combined it’s not a good time at all. I keep thinking of spring and the rebirth of everything. Can’t wait. I’m considering trying to clear my driveway but not sure I should take on such a big job. I’ll pay for it later. I did have a guy knock on my door. Wanted to shovel I saw in my camera. I didn’t answer the door I don’t have cash on hand. Plus I don’t answer the door to strangers. Ron would have my driveway all clear or if he didn’t feel like it he’d pay the guy.
I wonder how my Mom got through when my Dad passed from cancer, not having internet. The internet is my life line.
Robin

 

Thanks Robin for the encouragement. It seems nothing is easy now! SnoBlowers are so awkward to use! And cold! I too don't want to to talk to strangers I so get not opening the door. Maybe in our parents day there was more of a sences of community and closeness with others that is replaced by Internets like GIC for the new age of Earth. Kovid, Winter, Holidays, Dark, Cold... I so hate it buit somehow we will persevere!

 

George,

No need to apologize EVER!!!, TU!!! You have gone through so much pain..., heartache... Visiting this site should NEVER feel stressful because you think you have to respond to messages but are unable to do so. I think I can safely speak for all of TGW when I say that we are here for you, no matter what!!! Backing up a bit, what you said is so true, so necessary... You NEED to put yourself first, take the very best care of yourself you possibly can, before trying to help others. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. If you don't do whatever it is you need to do to help yourself get through this absolute nightmare (not strong enough, but I don't think there is a word in the English language that accurately describes this total heartbreak you're going through), you will fall apart to the point where it will be way beyond difficult to pull yourself back together. This is NOT what I want for you, what any of TGW want for you, and definitely NOT what Valerie would want for you.

I haven't been visiting this site as frequently as I used to because as much as I want to be as supportive as I possibly can be to all of our friends, and to all those who are new to this site too, it was draining me of the little energy I had, the energy I needed to make it through each and every day. What seems like ages ago, Gary asked me if I was a people pleaser. I had to think about this before I could respond. I'm definitely a people pleaser, maybe a watered down version of an extreme people pleaser, but it is something I know I need to work on. This became so clear to me when I realized how drained I felt after always feeling like I needed to be here whenever someone needed a virtual hug. It left me very little time to take care of my own needs. I had to figure out what I needed the most to move forward, not only to help myself, but so that I would be able to be a better "friend" to everyone here. I learned that I need a more balanced existence... I want more of a balance between time spent on GIC, time by myself, and time volunteering. There will probably be days when I need to spend lots of time visiting my GIC friends, days when I just can't be here, and times when I'll just check this site once a day.

While I'm glad!!!, TU!!! that people in our lives don't "get" it, many of their comments, actions, even if not intentional hurt... I'm glad you have TB and his GF to help you through this even though they can't possibly fully understand what this total heartbreak, this feeling like your heart has been ripped in half, is like. I'm so glad that you found this site, that all of us have found GIC, and have become as close as we have... As I often repeat, I don't know how I would make it through all of this misery if it wasn't for TGW... I think I might be starting to ramble, so will stop here before this "chapter" becomes a "book."

Sending zillions of hugs, lots of love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I think you're on to something. As much as I'm grateful to the internet for making it possible for me to find GIC, there is something missing in society today. I think that sense of community our parents had was so much stronger than it is today. The world is so impersonal now. People prefer to text, send emails, instead of talking to each other either in person or by phone. When I first came here, I wrote about a group of women, probably in their twenties, who were at a nice restaurant, and instead of talking to each other, texted each other. Bob and I were shocked by this!!!, TU!!!

Stopping here. I could go on "talking" and "talking" and "talking" about this endlessly... And, by now, you know how much I can "talk!!!,TU!!!

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yes the sense of community is gone. Somehow I’m strangely ok with that. Hmm. I guess losing Ron and then covid. I only want close friends and family in my life. But they’re not around either. Whatever. At least you have your son and I have my daughter. I’m trying to clean my house but such a lack of motivation. I tell myself, hey you shoveled snow. I do need to keep moving to help me think positive. I know this. Fresh air is my go to but it’s so cold out. What I kind of want to do is get on my couch with a cup of coffee, Teddy and my electric blanket. That might win out.
Starting a new year without Valerie or Ron, Linda, Cheryl, Bob, Mark and all others is just so hard. The new year is supposed to be a fresh start. It’s definitely a start but not feeling so fresh. They’re with us. They helped mold us into who we are, we need to remember that. I pretty much know all the things Ron would be saying to me in any given conversation. But I want to hear his voice and feel his hug. See his texts even though we see each other while working. And he’d watch for me to look over at him. The little things are really big things. We have the memories that eventually will make us smile more and more. It will happen. I can tell you from experience.
We will persevere. Each day gets us closer to warmer sunny days. Robin

 

This cold here is paralyzing me. I would do something but what. A cozy couch with Teddy and the EB sounds very good to me. I need to go out and pick up TBs GF from work, obtain supplies, get air in the tire! It all sounds so complicated.
I know just what Valerie would say too! I just wish she could be here to say it! Totally unrealistic but I don't care!
Our partners are still with us inside of us. I know this but I still want my soft fun loving wife!

 

Talk is good The Deb! Other than TB and his GF I really don't have anybody except internets contacts. It's cool and I'm glad for it but it's not the same. As we technologically advance are we loosing part of our humanity. This is just the kind of crap I always think about. I think too much! LOL
Much loves n'hugz!

 

It's okay George, we're all in a funk and that's what we're here for -- is to vent and get it out. No need to feel sorry ever. Karen

 

Thank you thank you thank you!

 

I know right. It’s like I can hear the EB calling me. Lol! Teddys been on the couch waiting on me. I had to pull a closet apart to get Rons snow boots to wear. I can’t leave it like that. I’m with you. Hate having to get air in my tires. Years ago I bought Ron a small air compressor. I don’t even want to get that out.
Nothing wrong with wishing and hoping. I wish for the same things. I do hear Ron in my dreams. Drive safe. Good luck with getting air. And get home where it’s warm. I’m trying to ignore the EB for a little longer.

 

The air equipment is still frozen. I shall do the best I can as will you and all the rest of us. Teddy needs you!

 

George I’m sorry you’re having a tough go of it now younger brother. Karen nailed it when she said we are all in a funk. I am for sure. I’m going to talk online zoom with my new therapist Wednesday for one hour. I’m nervous but excited because I have to find more ways to recover from Mr Grief. I’ve got nothing to lose by pouring my heart out. Have you ever heard the song “journey to the center of your mind”? That’s where I’m heading Bro. The good the bad and the ugly. Counseling at Visiting Nurses is free! I hope our elder brother Lou is ok. There is great concern for Lou amongst TGW. Good job Robin shoveling out. Would your brother know someone who could help you dig out? Do you have a yardman that might do snow removal too? You’re solution oriented Robin. I know you’ll figure it out. Deb it’s good you’ve found a balance. When I first joined TGW I wondered if I could keep up because I was getting stressed out. George told me he did it at his own pace and I adopted that idea. I’m glad you found some volunteer work too Deb. Patti I’m thinking about you. Sending you hugs. Gary

 

Yes Gary! I too hope Lou is ok! He be the Godfather and elder Brother of TGWs. I so wish I had someone to pour my heart and soul out into. Anytime I get to talk to people it's just tedious pointless platitudes. I know them... duh! Just let me vent! "Journey To TCOTE" Amboy Dukes, I think. I'm a Classic Rock expert. LOL.
We gotta get through this cold dark winter! Thanks Gary and stay warm!

 

George, if you can't let out a primal scream,
about the cruel Midwestern winter, on GIC,
where can you do it? I have been angry,deeply disturbed, and depressesinvc ,mmm

George, my brain is foggy, from winter
cold blues, snowstorm today, no days with
sun, & endless coughing, my last symptom
of Omicron, since Christmas night, so I've
had to put my mourning for Linda, on the
back burner. You deserve a primal scream.
George, as do I. A friend suggested Vick's
to be put on my feet tonight, underneath
socks, for cough suppression & better
sleep. I'll start tonight. My upstairs
neighbors are leaving me split pea soup
on the hall table. Lou

 

I'm glad you are getting over that evil virus Lou!
I'm famous for my Primal Screams in the car!
I'm glad people are helping you with food, that's cool
I'm feeling slightly better again.
GIC helps...
Thank you TGWs!

 

Thanks, George. I try not to be envious
of people in Florida right now, but it is
a healthier, happier lifestyle for seniors.
Lou

 

The high today was like 0! I can't deal with Winter anymore! Oh well. Tuff! It is here and NOW!