Too many, too soon. Something's gotta give.

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Baphomette, May 13, 2017.

  1. Jodi Gilbert

    Jodi Gilbert New Member

    Hi I guess I really don't know what I'm doing here I've tried several times connecting with people and I'm not getting anywhere so this will be my last attempt and then I won't try again. My mom used to go to Boston and spend 6 months every year with her sister and then she spent 6 months here in North Dakota with us kids. She used to leave around the end of June and last year she left in April no one thought anything of it it was just different. She got to Boston and my aunt called me and told me that she had been admitted to the hospital that she had double pneumonia. I called Mom everyday texted her had some kind of communication with her every single day.
    I received a text with her about a week later saying that she was being released from the hospital and she told me to never forget that she loves me very very much. I thought that was odd because my mom was kind of a mean lady she was never really emotional but I told her I loved her too. It was about a week or two later my aunt called me and said Mom needed to tell me something so Mom got on the phone and told me that she found out she's got lung cancer and she was not going to do any treatment because she had had several heart attacks the doctor did not feel like she could survive chemo or radiation and the lung cancer was so advanced so there were no options and months to 1-year to live. I immediately made preparations for a trip to Boston to see her for a couple weeks and my trip was planned for the end of August. On Wednesday I believe it was August 8th Aunty called me and said mom was doing bad she has not been responsive for a couple of days and I should probably get out there as soon as possible. I immediately left work have no way of getting the money to change my flight so my boyfriend got a personal loan from his bank and I arrived in Boston about 11:30 Thursday night. When I saw my mom she was in a hospital bed and the bar was up and I just put a pillow on the bar and I slept there so I could be close to her. Sometime in the middle of the night she woke up and said "I can't
    get up" I asked her response was "I don't know what's happening". at that point my response was you're sick mom and you need to just get some rest. And now I'm confused and upset because I just lied to her but I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was dying. The entire first day of Friday it sounded like she was snoring and she was unresponsive again and never did respond after that point. My brother arrived from Wisconsin late in the afternoon on Friday and both of us that by her side pretty much all the time. At one point around 4:45 on Saturday the 12th of August her breathing the snoring sound stopped and she was taking very shallow breaths I told my brother to come quick something was different. I was holding her left hand as I had been almost non-stop since I had arrived and he grabbed her right hand and we both sat there and waited I told her we loved her and she took one deep breath and let it out and there were no more breaths after that her pulse was gone I laid my head on her chest and sobbed. The next couple of weeks because I was the beneficiary a lot of things had to be done as far as death certificates and such. I finally got to go home after my visit and almost immediately my aunt and my cousins from Boston started harassing me accusing me of stealing my mother's money. My mother was very poor after her cremation was taken out of her life insurance there was less than $4,000 left and she only had about $200 in her checking account. I am a recovered addict and they were all accusing me of stealing her money and using it to get high and I haven't even received the check yet from her insurance. When the check finally came I cashed it took a picture of it first then cashed it and then closed her account and made copies of her account statement and I split the total amount into two and send a check to each of my brothers and I didn't keep a dime. I just wanted to prove to everybody that I'm still clean and 20th of this year will be 6 years that I'm clean. As I'm trying to mourn the loss of my mother receiving these hateful messages from my aunt and my cousin's calling me a junkie telling me that mom had told them that she could not stand me and that she had wished I had died when I was using. I can't even ask her because she's dead now and I don't know If my mom even loved me anymore. I started having seizures and after thousands of dollars in several hospital visits there was no epileptic activity found in my brain the doctor diagnose me with a severe panic attack disorder that caused me to have seizures. I ended up having to block my entire family from Boston on my phone so I can have no contact with them because they were so abusive. so now I'm thinking I can finally start to grieve the loss of my mother and on November 19th my boyfriend's mom died from a massive stroke. as we're both trying to grieve these two women that we love very much we were struggling and just trying to hold each other up and on December 2nd I got a phone call from my brother that lives in Salem Massachusetts and he told me that my step sister was just in a car accident and she had died. so I'm trying to process this and about 40 minutes later my phone rang again and it was a number I didn't recognize and when I answered it it was my uncle telling me that my dad had just died in the hospital in his hometown. I am still confused and lost and I don't know what to do I believe that I put a curse on myself when I was using drugs and that somehow I'm killing everybody I love. I refused to take phone calls I refuse to talk to people I can't get out of bed I can't shower I eat very little and I'm just scared to talk to anybody because I'm afraid that my curse is going to kill somebody else.
    so I'm living with my boyfriend but not really living I'm existing I don't know what to do in the free to speak to him because I'm afraid God is going to take him from me too
    Mona15 likes this.
  2. Mona15

    Mona15 Member

    Dear Jodi i'm sorry for all your losses and I'm sorry for the way your family treated you Your mother loved you and was very proud of you for overcoming your addiction She proved that when she made you the executor of her estate I wish I had the answer for getting through all the losses I'm still working on that myself But the advice I can give you is don't shut your boyfriend out he needs you as much as you need him
  3. Jodi Gilbert

    Jodi Gilbert New Member

    Thank you, Mona, for responding. He refuses to allow himself to feel anything. I love him so much, we have been together 5 1/2 years and he burries his feelings, and he doesn't understand my hiding out. I don' either, I've dealt with depression my entire life, but I have never been in a position where I can' get out of bed to eve shower for days on end.
    I appreciate your advice. I do need him, and I hope he will eventually begin to feel and grieve before he has a stroke
  4. selenay

    selenay New Member

    I'm having really bad family problems, and I've lost two close friends to cancer.
  5. APurpleReign

    APurpleReign Member

    I lost my grandmother in 2014 and the loss was crippling. She was my primary caregiver much of my early childhood and my closest friend after. In 2017 I lost my stepmom. She was really my mom. My rescuer. I loved her and how she loved my dad. I have lost all the primary female influences in my life. No one can understand, but those who have lost. My grief and the aftermath also revealed my partner no longer wanted the responsibility of a long term relationship. It was no longer fun.

    Being here.....reading others stories...has helped so much!