Time is making it worse

Now it is about a month since my husband of 40 years passed away. My grief is intensifying and overwhelming me. I started therapy and some anti-depressant, but I feel like crying or screaming every second. I cannot believe he is gone. I am angry he is gone. I feel guilty he is gone, and I cannot believe he isn't coming back. How can I navigate life without him. I depended on him to help make major decisions. I am scared, sad and grief stricken.

 

Oh, Daisy, I feel so bad for you. I know
first hand how similar I felt right after
Linda died over 4 years ago. You are
doing the right thing by staying on
Grief in Common ( GIC) with us, and
seeking grief counseling. You are not
alone, Daisy. One of us is always here
for you. My grief over Linda's death is
not as intense as it was, but I still have
waves of sadness, and miss Linda so
much. I just decided to rejoin a widowed
persons support group. I had left it, bc I
was uncomfortable being the only guy
in the group. Starting next week, I will go
with 2 older widower friends. Lou

 

Daisy, I can feel your pain and desperation through your words. And it takes me back to how I was feeling in those first days. months that I lost Ron. It is not a good feeling. Life as we knew it is changed forever. This is a very long hard journey. Making decisions on things seems impossible. In my mind I’d think what would Ron do. And that helps me. Ron is still helping because we knew each other so well. He telling me even though he’s not here. My septic tank collapsed shortly after Ron passed. Talk about panic! Thankfully my brother made the phone calls and set it up for me. We get through some how because we have to. Our spouses all want us to be ok and enjoy life. That’s hard and I’m still struggling with that. But I try. I honor Ron in so many ways every single day. Daisy you’re just starting this horrible life change. Everyone goes through the guilt the hate the anger and feeling scared. etc. We get stronger with time. Fresh air is so helpful. It might not feel like it helps but it does. I’m happy that you are seeing a counselor that’s a step in the right direction. Talking and letting your feelings out helps too. Life became totally different in an instant but takes time to even remember the happy times. It’s been over 4 years and I have so many triggers still. I can tell you I was very scared too and I’m learning we’re all stronger the. We realize.
Sending hugs. Robin

 

Goodness gracious Daisy, you have duplicated everything that was going on in my mind when I was at your stage. I relate to every single feeling you described. I don't want to scare you but I think only now after more than two years, I'm beginning to see the reality and learning to live my life without my C physically by my side. I say "physically" because he is actually with me all the time, he is and will always be my husband, but in a different way. Our soulmates are a part of us, so they will continue to live through us. We must go on to honour them, we CAN go on because they made us what we are today. Their influence and knowledge will guide us along this treacherous path and help us overcome difficult obstacles we will inevitably have to face.
I agree with Robin, fresh air really does help. I also have so much broken stuff waiting to be fixed, I want to scream sometimes: " I can't handle all this without you!"
We're all here supporting you Daisy, we "all stand together".
Sending you a virtual hug.
Rose.

 

I am new to this site. My husband of 37 years died a year ago on 4/4. I can very much relate to what both of you have written. The pain and the total emptiness does not hit right away. I miss Brian every single day. Some days are worse than others. I try to get out for walks and exercise. I found a bereavement group through church and made a couple of friends. It helps. I also know that there are probably many young men and women who lose a spouse and they are left with young children. That to me is unimaginable. My adult kids have helped a lot but life has gone on for them and now I have to figure things out for myself. All the big decisions now have to be made alone and its very overwhelming. I try to take it one day at a time and not be hard on myself.

 

So sorry to hear about the death of
your husband, and soulmate, Brian,
after many years of marriage. Thank you forsaying his name to honor his memory. May I ask your name? I'm
Lou. My wife, Linda, died suddenly in
front of me, at 68, after 25 yrs of
marriage, no children. That was 4 yrs
ago. Linda was my best ( & only)
friend and family, so I was in a state of
shock, could not sleep, had PTSD, & had
to see a grief counselor. At first, all I
did was sob. I couldn't believe I would
never see Linda --physically--- on this
earth again. But, like many here, I have to believe that our spirits will be reunited. If I believe in God. then it's not a stretch to believe that,as many
Grief Warriors ( a term I suggested) on
Grief in Common ( GIC) do. I see that you
live in NY, like my friend,Robin, and a
new member, Jackie, whose wife Helen
just died. I live on the northern coast of
Massachusetts. Welcome to this kind
site. Lou

 

Good afternoon Daisy,

I’m so sorry. I have experienced all of those things. Someone said to me that there is no rule book for grieving, and I hang on to that. This is so incredibly hard, and it really hurts and completely sucks, sucks, sucks. I think Gary said we’re squeezing out the grief, and I can say that letting it out a little more every day, every hour, however often you need, is okay. It helps. It gets easier little by little, but love never dies. Like Lou said, we’re warriors. Your love story is still alive, in your heart. Hugs and comfort to you. ❤️ Deborah

 

Deb, thanks for quoting brother Gary and
me. I don't know what I'd do without this
kind site of Grief Warriors, who "get it".
As you may have read , I'm not crying
every morning as I've done the last 4 yrs
since Linda's sudden death. I've been
going out dancing with a buddy, whose
soulmate also died. We meet our female
dance partner friends, but none of them
are my "girlfriend". As happier as I've
been though, I've decided to rejoin a
widowed persons support group. I had
left it bc I had been uncomfortable being
the only guy. Now, I will go with 2 older
widower friends. Thank you for reaching
out to welcome Jackie and Daisy. I hope
they both stay with us. Lou

 

Safety in numbers

 

Hi Daisy,
I remember at one month there was a worsening for me as well.
You are strong enough to do this.
Every emotion is real and valid because it's yours.
And the emotions right now are playing tag team.
They will chase each other about.
But that's just right now, not always. You're doing great!
Use the strength of any emotion to help you move through your day.
If Everything is harder, takes longer and seems confusing. That's grief.
Just be fucking mad if you need to be. It's temporary, but big. Use that energy.
Tons and tons of grace for yourself.
And grace for everyone around you... this is when other people might forget how soon it's been for you.
Stick close, remember we're here. And we're an angry mess sometimes too.
This is hard work.
You can do hard things.
You Can.
And you are.
Fall forward when you have to move, ignore everyone else's opinions, you did a great job.
Don't believe the feelings of guilt or failure yet, they tend to go away in time so no use using energy on them if you can avoid it.

Time is an enemy in grief. It's forever and never and very little in between. Don't trust it.
Keep going.
Bernadine

 

Daisy,
If no one else has mentioned it, grief and depression are very different.
You have been married your entire adult life.
Your beloved died a month ago.
If your therapist has recommended an anti-depressant, they might not understand the magnitude of what you are experiencing. They may not understand how hard grief is on our brains. Medicine is also very hard on our brains especially, getting use to it. For some people antidepressants can make everything feel worse. Especially if you are grieving and aren't depressed.
I would offer you might consider seeing if there is a grief counselor you might see instead.
At least for the first year or so.
And always do what works best for you.. this is just information to share.
~B

 

Welcome to the site. Im sorry we all had to.go through a lose to meet but this is a good place to be. This is definitely an overwhelming situation. Deep breaths and fresh air is a life saver. Im glad you have found groups to help.you and that you've made friends. Getting used to doing things ourselves is definitely a challenge. Im.one.of those left with young children to raise alone that you spoke of and im here to tell you its definitely a challenge. I've gotten stronger in these 3 years to deal with things and my children are my motivation to keep going. Continue to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do.

 

Bernadine, great advice to Daisy, and to
all of us. For me, the anger has disappeared
and I'm finally losing my survivor's guilt
that I'm alive and enjoying life, and Linda
is dead. I laughed when you used an F-
bomb, like our " not so delicate flower",
DEB!! Lou

 

Daisy, I am so, so sorry. I felt the same way when I lost my husband. It is completely overwhelming and the loss is not just of your spouse. Your way of life has been taken from you. It's heartbreaking and unfair. Right now you should just be sure you are eating and staying hydrated. Let your friends and family help to the extent that they can. Give yourself all the time you need. Please allow me to say that it is ok to to give yourself a break from thinking about your loss. Get out of the house, go for a walk, pray.

You may not want to hear the following now because I didn't want to hear it at your stage either. Time will help eventually. You will be able to think about other things. Give yourself permission when you reach that point. Your husband does not want you to be miserable for the rest of your life anymore than you would want him to be if he had lost you. Take care.

 

I want to wish all of my friends here a peaceful Easter, sending a hug to each and everyone of you.

Rose

 

Rose,

Great minds think alike. You beat me to it, lol... Wishing you a peaceful Easter too. I hope you feel C's presence, and everyone in our "family," who celebrates Easter, feels the presence of the one true love of our lives, who can't be here with us physically, wrapping us in love, on this over the top bittersweet day... We are NEVER alone...

Sending lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB & Skye

 

Daisy,

I just deleted by accident the first paragraph of what I wanted to say to you, so frustrating!!!, TUTTAM!!! I'm going to try it one more time. First sending you the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. I started crying as soon as I read this, and continued crying while reading everyone's responses. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! My heart is breaking for you, knowing how much pain you're in. As others have already said, in time life will get better, NEVER!!! the same, NEVER!!! as good as it once was, but better. As Robin has said so many times, eventually life becomes a mix of happy and sad, so over the top bittersweet.

On April 11, 2023, at 3:45 a.m., it'll be the second year anniversary of Bob's death. Time seems to stand still, and move forward, all at the same time. Although the time line for moving forward is different for everyone, I can finally say that I'm now living in a very F*CKED UP!!!, bittersweet world, able to enjoy life, but never knowing when something is going to trigger tears... It's a crazy, mixed up, happy/sad existence, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, so much better than the alternative, TUTTAM!!!

Backing way up, on the one month anniversary of Bob's death, I remember not being able to sleep, having trouble just getting into our bed without him. When I managed to doze off for a little while, I would wake up terrified, my heart racing, over the top scared, tears streaming down my face, finding it hard to breathe, realizing Bob wasn't on his side of the bed where he should be. Then came the nightmares. I dreamed that Bob and I were together. They seemed so real. I saw Bob's face so clearly. WTF???!!!, how could he possibly be dead???, unable to return home (physically) ever again... I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore, totally drained, totally exhausted, with the entire day still in front of me. It SUCKED!!!

Just like you, I depended on Bob to help make major decisions. While I paid the monthly bills, he took care of our long term financial goals. I didn't understand the stock market, was clueless as to what an ETF was, etc, etc, etc. Bob had always managed our accounts, and did an excellent job until about a year before his death. I was smart enough to realize, I couldn't leave our money where it was, I needed help managing it. I was fortunate because one of our very best friends, who shared the same opinions as Bob on everything, was here for me. He set me up with his CFP. I remember being so afraid when it was time for our first meeting, but she quickly put me at ease. She told me it's common for a widow to be in my position, and she did, still does, everything she can to help me. Long story short, having her manage my retirement funds has been such a BIG!!! relief, TUTTAM!!!

Deciding to trust her was the biggest decision I've ever made on my own. It was terrifying, but made me realize that if I could do this, I was capable of doing so much more. I had no choice. Robin often says we're stronger than we think we are. I didn't believe it at first, but it IS!!! so true. Just my two cents, take it or leave it, but this helped me, just keep repeating over and over and over again, in your head, I'm stronger than I think I am, whenever there is something that needs immediate attention, but you don't feel confident enough to handle it. I believe in that old self fulfilling prophecy effect, if you tell yourself you can't do something, you will fail, but if you tell yourself you CAN!!! do something, you will SUCCEED!!!

Please be very gentle with yourself. Things got much worse for me before they began to get better. Do whatever you need/have to do, to make it through the day. If you aren't working, and have nowhere you need to be, give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing, stay in bed, or on the couch, the entire day, give yourself permission to cry... to scream... to be angry... On the days when you can handle it, get some fresh air. As so many others have said, being outside, surrounded by Nature, listening to the wind, the birds, bees buzzing by, etc, etc, etc,..., feeling the wind, the sun on my face, taking long walks, was one of the very best things I did to help myself. For those of us who aren't able to physically take long walks, just sitting outside helps.

Life is so unfair, but as Bob would say, no matter how much he was suffering, no matter how much pain he was in, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt," it's a good day. Bob taught me how precious life is. Last year I was in a nasty car accident, this year I needed an emergency surgery. Through it all, I've learned that I can take care of myself, and it's a good feeling. I believe with all my heart, that in time, you will feel this way too.

I just lost my train of thought, so stopping here. As usual, I'm blaming it on my over the top, way too foggy, widow brain. Plus I NEED!!! more caffeine...

Sending you lots more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB

 

DEB, Happy Easter to you, Rose, on the
other part of the world, and to all Grief
Warriors on GIC. One thing that is better
for you this Easter, over last one, is the
addition of your loyal Skye, with whom
you exchange unconditional love, after a
rough beginning! I'm grateful that I can
hug and dance with my female friends
tonight. Lou The Godfather Travolta...

 

DEB, you & I are different people than when I first met you over 2 years ago .
You are much more independent, and
happier ( mixed with sad, as our wise
Robin says). You have a new "daughter"
in the form of Skye, when your other children are far away, and your soulmate,
Bob, can be with you only in spirit, as
Linda's is in mine. Amidst my dancing ,
with new and old female friends. I
lovingly hold Linda's cane in the air so
they can "see" her , and Linda can
smile, as she sees them. I choke up a
little as I write this, but don't weep , as I
once did. I don't know how I'd be without
my friends, like you, DEB, on GIC. Some
people read the Bible every morning.
I read the Center for Loss quotes and the
GIC posts. Your "books" are better than
any sermon! Lou T