this life ins.is both a blessing & a curse

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by susan beaulieu, Jul 3, 2021.

  1. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    excuse me please im not complaining i neeeeeed to vent.
    my children all have a very large amount of savings they were gifted money from accounts my mother created when they were born that they were given on their 21 st birthdays.
    they also all have jobs.Not to mention the unemployment they collected during the pandemic
    i on the other hand had 3000$ in the bank when my husband died..I have been a stay at home mom all my adult life & have had difficulty holding any job due to ...well..due to mental illness altho that doesnt sound pretty.i have a diagnoses & im being treated.i also feel that despite this i have "risen to the occaision"
    my husband left a life insurance policy to me..he had no 401K plan no savings & left no will. this was a constant argument with us. he truly beleived he would never die & certainly never retire.
    My husband also left behind a huge amount of debt.
    im trudging thru that debt & im paying it off.
    my problem lies in that fact that the children have divided the insurance policy into 4 equal shares.my brother has taken on the job of managing our money & putting them into growth accounts. as it stands i am going to be the only one who needs an " allowance" being taken monthly from this account..depending on my ss benefits.
    our living expenses have been divided with me paying the bulk of our rent but not utilities.They pay 1050$ a month & i pay 1950$ its a substantial difference.
    when i got up this morning i sent the girls a group text stating that i was draining money from the account for groceries& i needed them to deposit 200$ each at the beginning of each month forjust the groceries so i wouldnt constantly deplete the account. i was met with bad moods & critism for "the way i shopped" what i should & shouldnt buy. no one seems to contribute to my list & as far as im concerned i can buy what i want as long as i stay in budget..i said if someone wants something extra fancy they could pay for that item out of pocket as would i. if they wanted to do some shopping i would give them the card to use.
    i was going shop tomorrow but i just decided im not doing anymore shopping untill i see money in the account.
    my brother and i are both horrified that these women feel entitlement to an equal potion of this life insurance. it should have gone to me since im the beneficiary & i would certainly give each girl a portion, but smaller than what they have taken upon themselves to take.
    i wanted to use some of it to wipe out his debts.my daughter raged to my brother that she didnt want "her money" used to pay for that.
    also my brother stated that he was leaving me a larger portion which would deplete their account by maybe 2000$ each & it caused an uproar. Im not supposed to know this but when my brother told her its bc im the head of the household,my daughter shouted "shes not the head of the household! she doesnt even do anything!"
    (i beg to differ)
    my brother told her the conversation was over & he hung up.
    now i know this & im angry hurt & frustrated but i cant go anywhere with except here & my therapists office.
    ugh ugh ugh..i dont want to be upset but i am.....i had brought this up to my husband( that something like this could happen) but he never wanted to talk about it & i remember he told me that if i cause an issue with my children over money( especially this money) that i would be very sorry as i would destroy my relationship with them forever.
    wow..im so pissed at him right now.lol
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    First sending you lots of hugs! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you, not only are you grieving the loss of your husband, but your children are being selfish and hurtful. Money issues divide so many families and bring out the worst in people. It happened in my family, three times, when my mother -in law died, my father-in law died, and my husband's aunt (who was like a mother to me) passed away. Unfortunately, the family is still divided.

    Your children don't have a legal right to the insurance policy. You were the only beneficiary. If your husband had wanted to leave money to them, he could have made them beneficiaries too. If you want to give your daughters some of the money, the decision should be yours! I'm so sorry that your husband wouldn't talk about this with you. I don't blame you for being angry at him. By not dealing with this issue, (even if it wasn't his intention), he has made your life so much more stressful then it needs to be. I'm so sorry that one of your daughters feels that you don't do anything to take care of the house. She might have said this only out of anger over the money, but no matter why she said it, it is hurtful to hear.

    I wish I had some great advice to give you, but all I can do is to let you know how sorry I am you have to go through this. Sending many more hugs your way, wishing you peace.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  3. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    it helps to be acknowlged & heard & you did that for me.
    I have called a meeting for monday morning.i insist that their portion of the bills is put into my household account at the beginning of every month immediately..no more " we'll do the when we are settled"...no more" ill pay this bill you pay that bill & then youll zelle me back"...the system starts now,money in at beginning of the month.the bills will be on auto payment from my household acct.
    btw i dont know to do any of this via internet but i will quickly learn
    as for the insurance i cant help but find fault w scott.He didnt let me in on any of this.he didnt want me to know any of this. i was led to believe thru him & his mother( who asked him not to make me the beneficiary)that the money was all of ours equally.He didnt want to make trouble nor did he want to short his children of money.However he never ever believed it would ever turn out to be an issue as he would live till 106 . ultimately he didnt want to be the bad guy.
    so he left me with a with what he thought was a gift but turned out to be a mess.
    he did warn me not to rock the boat..so im caught between a rock & a hard place. let them have the money they think they deserve..i dont care.maybe some day they will see things clearly & realize that i do think of them first. and they in turn will think of me.
  4. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    way too much info lol...i apologize for that..i was just fuming at the time!
  5. tgotyall

    tgotyall Well-Known Member

    I am truly sorry first for your loss and for having to go thru this money issue.This is the last thing you need while dealing with grief. I am thankful I have been blessed that when my wife passed at 59 this wasn’t one more thing that I needed on my plate or any of us with the loss of a spouse,that already fills our plate.Your husband I would think would be so upset with the children for they have many years to accumulate wealth ,your money is never supposed to be part of their financial strategy.My wife passed before we got the chance to live our retirement dreams and we built a nest egg and we had told our children we plan on spending all of it ,to the point it became a joke with them ,truly.They wanted us to do just that.Your children need to understand this,plus What you sow on earth is what you reap in heaven.We don’t get to live that dream of retirement,that joy ,what we worked all those years with our spouses,for me it’s devastating.Money the root of evil truly changes people , l lost all communications with one brother over my handling of my Mom’s will,in which my other brothers were fine with.He wasn’t there while my wife fought cancer. Hopefully your children will see the errors of their ways, I don’t get it your their mother,its just sad.. I tell you this be strong and courageous and I pray God will give you peace.He is in control.
    Van Gogh and susan beaulieu like this.
  6. susan beaulieu

    susan beaulieu Active Member

    i cant thank you all enough for allowing me to vent.
    my father drilled into my head "think about what youre going to say & dont say it" and ive still never been very good at it
    Now that i got it out i never have to think about it again.
    it was ultimately my decision bc i didnt contest it.
    im over it already & im more than happy to have a part in providing for my kids.
    to harbor resentment would only make me the one who instigates a rift.
    i know if i need it they will always be here for me.
    im very very lucky that way
    but thanks for letting me bitch a little & for your encouraging responses