This grief is going to kill me

I agree! Every loss is different. Only people that have been through it will truly understand. I've lost several people close to me but losing my fiancee is the worse. I lost the one person that was helping and supporting our family. We have small kids and I became a single parent in the worst way. Hope u continue to keep getting stianger

 

It all makes total sense, I get it and understand what you’re feeling. I’m totally like that. I didn't move Ron’s towel from his last shower either. I find these things comforting. Just know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. I had no choice but move things, actually move or toss everything in our shop. That was so hard, but I started taking pictures of things and it did help me a little bit. His work table and and his tools, where he left them just broke me. I had to t him asking if he was leaving work early or too involved with work to quit. He told me what he was working on but he was feeling tired and would head home and the. Go get a quick bite to eat. I didn’t go to work that day because I had a bad headache, I wish I had been there for his last day working in our shop.
It’s hard to not feel defeated, our lives are so different, we miss the. Terribly, life is so lonely. Nothing prepares us for this. But our loved ones don’t want us to be in this much pain. So we have to keep pushing forward as best we can.
I didn’t find this site for quite a while, and I was not doing well at all. Finding this site has helped me more then expected. Wish I had found it earlier. Reading and sharing stories, with people who understand what this feels like
helps a lot.
❤️

 

Love your love story, Walter sounds like quite a gem. Hard working, wonderful husband and partner and great Dad to your kids. The first time I saw Ron was on the corner of where we ended up buying our home. He was with his cousin who I knew and I was with my cousins. We invited them to my cousins house to play bumper pool. We were holding hands before the evening was over, that was in May of 1974. He called me the next day and asked me on a date. We were together ever since. We were meant to be together. We have 2 children that meant the world to him. We’re a family that was together all the time. They miss their Dad and are my support and keep me moving.
Our upholstery shop was initially furniture, boats and auto upholstery. Through the years we stopped boat work, it took us out of our shop too often. Then we eventually were just automotive, doing convertible tops, carpeting, full restorations etc. and then we got a contract to create the upholstery for therapeutic exercise machines, and that’s what we were doing the last couple years and working towards our retirement years which would have started this month. Ron was a meticulous craftsman and highly revered in our community. I knew how to sew but not on an industrial machine. Ron taught me. Traveling was a big part of our retirement plans and home renovations. And enjoying life without work. But now I miss the schedule and none of that will happen.
It’s funny you mention missing the snoring, what I wouldn’t give to hear Ron snore. I was sure I’d go first too. I have some things going on but Ron had nothing. Healthy. We just never know but thankful for the wonderful time we did have. We all feel that way. Forever wouldn’t be long enough.

 

Good morning to the bereaved nurses. The sun is shining and it is summer like today. I've done my 2 hours of outside work....pruning my roses and waking my little doggie. Had breakfast with Mike (his picture when we first met and the last one I took of him). One of his best friends and his wife are taking me to lunch. This will be one of the "good" days. With these friends I can be open and not feel pressure to be "fine". Hoping you all are also having a better day but if it is one of the bad days HUGS all around.

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said forever wouldn't be long enough. I get so angry with myself because Walter wanted me to work with him and I tried to do it as little as possible because our treatment styles were so different. I never pretended to know a third of what he knew but what things i knew, I knew for sure. He never believed in his ability to be successful and although his practice did well, I know it would have been even more successful if he truly believed in himself. I believed in him. Today was one of those days where I just felt out of sorts. Couldn't put my finger on what was going on just didn't feel like I had it all together. I'm hoping and believing tomorrow will be better. Early morning with the dogs in the morning with the groomers. Going to turn in early tonight. I wish you peace and comfort. Sending hugs from the Carolinas to all my new friends.

 

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Your day sounds lovely. I hope you relaxed and enjoyed yourself. The good days are so precious. Hugs from the Carolinas heading your way!

 

Thank you. I love that you had breakfast with him. Grateful for your friends that understand.

 

Joining the club of grievers that can’t move his things...I don’t eat meat but can’t clean out the freezer. I am so sad when I see where he set down his lunch box and took off his sneakers the last day he came home from work. His medicines and glucose meter are right on the counter where he checked his sugar everyday. So is his log, never skipped one. Proud of learning to give his own insulin which he had to do when he was on steroids. So, I understand why we keep the bacon and eggs and the towel and the tools. The $24 that is in his wallet will stay there. Eleven weeks tomorrow. Seems like a minute and seems like forever all at the same time. Forever wouldn’t be long enough for me either. Thanks.

 

We have breakfast everyday...I set the two pictures up and light a candle. I give thanks for being alive and thanks for his life and thanks for the life we had together. Turns out my friends became upset when they noticed I am no longer wearing my wedding rings. They didn't say too much but the looks between them and the conversation cooled for a bit. All good by the time we parted ways though. I was able to not let it get to me too much. I just commented that I am no longer married so I prefer to wear Mike's ring (it fits my right middle finger perfectly) in his honour and memory. Then we all changed the subject. I don't know if there is a right or wrong but I am determined to remember the 11,160 happy days I had with Mike instead of 1 terrible day! He loved me because he believed I was strong and smart...I would be letting him down if I spent my time feeling sorry for myself. Yes I love him dearly, I miss him so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I would give anything to have another day BUT that is not to be. I choose everyday to be happy in spite of this road of grief that was put before me. Maybe I'm strange but I do believe one can be happy and grieve the loss of your most loved at the same time. Take care everyone. HUGS!

 

HUGS! His things are right where they should be. You are so early in this grief thing that it is totally ok. Let time heal and soften the incredible pain that losing our partner, lover, best friend, and helpmate brings before you push to do things. I'm looking at a year soon and his deodorant is still on the bathroom counter. Many things I have moved or given away or sold but somethings just need to stay for now. I made a quilt out of his clothes...front squares from his shirts and back squares from his pants...I love to cuddle with it while I watch tv at night. I also made a cushion from his ties for our youngest daughter. It started when she was little that she would get him a tie for every gift occasion then as she got older it was a standing joke that she still would always get him a tie. Things will work out. Be gentle with yourself until they do. HUGS!

 

So true, we need them to infinity and back. Sorry you’re having a rough day today, pray that resting helps you and for a better day tomorrow.
I’m having a rough day too. Mine is family related. And I’m struggling. Thankful that most of my family supports me. And trying to make me feel better. But there’s one stabbing me the back.
Praying for calm and peace for us all.

 

I am sorry you had an off day. I wish I was near to offer a hand. Those few people who don't need you to cover up how you are feeling are priceless. One more day, week, year. It wouldnt matter. I laughed at work today-and then felt guilty. There is no room for guilt in this path. I want to choose good things. I want to choose happiness and peace. Sleep well tonight and tomorrow we shall follow the path.... but we will follow the path together-holding hand and keeping each other strong. Building each other up. Together we have power.we are filled with love and compassion-and there is enough for us OOO

 

Thanks for this. I feel best, most secure when I am in our little apartment around his things. He was so proud when he found this place for us and he was secure here too because we were close to the hospital. He kept it just so, and he did things to make it ‘homey’ for me. Thoughtful. I know I can’t stay here forever, but for the time being it’s the right place to be. I am asking my sister to make me a memory bear out of one of our blankets and some of his clothes. His brother has been very challenging to deal with and keeps asking for his things. I can’t wait til everything is settled. For now it’s one hour, one day at a time. Peace.

 

Sorry about your family stress. You sure don’t need negative energy. I have a tendency to tolerate and forgive. We need to take care of ourselves and remember boundaries. Relationships within reason. I mailed Michael’s brother the letter telling him not to contact me again by phone or in person. Signature required. It’s scheduled to be delivered Monday. I’m sure I’ll hear him swearing from here. You might too he’s on LI. Then we’ll see what happens next. I’m focused on honoring Michael and taking care of myself. Put your energy on the people that are helping you. They are the ones you need. Take care.

 

Thank you! There’s been a lot of negativity coming from my sister. I cut ties with her 6 months after Ron passed because she was treating me so poorly. And now she has the nerve to tell me I should give her the money she payed for her plane ticket to come for the funeral. There’s a lot more to this situation but that’s it in the short form. shes adding so much angst and I think it makes her happy.
I’m glad you got the letter sent, I hope it helps. I bet I do hear him, if I hear a stir on Monday I’ll let you know thank you for that, it made me smile. I know you understand what I’m going through because of what you’re dealing with, with his brother. I normally forgive too, but she’s done too much. It’s painful. Ron and I have done so much for her too.

 

I know the feeling you mention. His things bring security and comfort. Because that’s what we know and love. I’ve kept the money in his wallet too, $17, we had just bought everything for Thanksgiving dinner, that was the change. He handed me his wallet while in the driveway waiting to get rolled into the ambulance. I carry in my purse, it goes everywhere with me. I wear his wedding band, mine doesn’t fit because of RA swelling me knuckles, I love wearing his. I love your ideas for memory bears out of his clothes and blankets. I’m going to makes pillows out of his shirts and also a quilt like Ainie did. I’m having a mind block though, I can’t bring myself to cut them. I will eventually and I’ll make pillows for our children too.
One day at a time, moment or minute is definitely the way to go. Their things bring comfort and also remind us they want us to to work towards feeling better.
All the best!

 

I so get what you say about being unable to cut them. When I started my quilt I brought all the shirts and pants down to my sewing space, sobbed, and put them all back in the closet. The second time I took them out I washed them all...somehow thinking they still smelled like Mike despite the fact that they were all clean. Again they all went back to the closet. On the 3rd try I succeeded ... I still ironed each one while crying non-stop before I cut the square out. It was a process of letting go for sure. Now I smile every evening when I wrap myself in it to watch TV. HUGS

 

Thank you so much for sharing that. It gives me hope. I remember you sharing a while back that you made a quilt and I thought, I’m so weak.
I need the end product, to wrap up in like you. Our home is my safe place, wrapped in pieces of Ron would the warmth and love I need. I’ll get there.
Thanks again! ❤️

 

I hadn't checked the page in a day only because I had sooo much take home work that all I could do was crash. Rainy weather additionally makes me a bit sad and very achy. So put all of that together didn't make for the best days but I am still grateful for just being alive, having a job and now having new friends who understand the physical, emotional and spiritual side of things. I am learning to accept the fact that I'm not 25 anymore but I am not ready to give up either, just trying to find a new normal. I so look forward to reading messages from you all. Everyone who has been on this thread has brought good stuff to the journey. The support and compassion is priceless. It's a cool, overcast day here in SC. I'm going to work on cleaning and purging some of MY stuff that I haven't worn in years as well as papers that have accumulated. Wish me luck as I tackle this Herculean task.....sigh. I wish you all a restful, relaxing weekend. Ciao. XXOO