This grief is going to kill me

Amen on the quiet time. I have found that I have to make it happen just like I make all the other stuff get done. Consciously plan for it. So used to running around with my lists that it’s hard and doesn’t feel ‘normal’. So I try to plan for even a few minutes. Sometimes a few moments of calm will come over me, and I do like the way that feels. Enjoy while I can.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself while you are looking out for everyone. You’ve done so much good and you deserve it. Peace.

 

Good evening to you both. As always I ask for comfort for all of us going through a challenging period in our lives. Having pets can be a mixed blessing. I have 2 Pomeranian pooches. Sisters. So different in temperament and now in health. Agnes is the youngest of the litter and is very pushy. She will try to fight a dog 2 or 3 times her size. Edith is very skittish and afraid of everything. They are spoiled rotten and I can't complain because I'm to blame. They won't eat dog food, so I boil them chicken 2 to 3 times a week. They get boiled sweet potatoes or rice mixed in. Now they sleep in the bed with me, sigh. They never slept with me until I was feeling lonely and needy after Walter died. Now they have figured its comfortable up here and they signal when it's time for bed.
I feel you when you say sometimes your emotions get in the way of praying. I fully understand. I just talk to Him some days instead of formal prayer. I feel He understands what we are going through and knows our hearts. I love the idea of the pilgrimage Tina was talking about. Sometimes being in touch with nature helps so much. I've learned to appreciate little things like the smell of grass after the lawn is mowed, the clean smell after it rains. Having you guys to talk with and share things with is so very helpful for me so thank you again for communicating with me. Sending good vibes from the Carolinas.

 

It's un our nature to take care of ourselves last as women and nurses. I am working on self care consciously. It's a process but I try to think of at least 1 thing I did just for me. Whether it is drinking an extra glass of water every day or writing in my journal, I want to do something daily, consistently. I wish you peace and comfort from the Carolinas.

 

That is exactly it...one foot in front of the other.

 

I also spoil my little dog. Cooking him chicken or beef while I eat raisin bran. That sounds about right for us nurses. Maybe the walking is like a form of making my body hurt so I don't feel my heart so much. It doesn't feel very nice when I am doing it but I can't think of anything besides keeping moving. I think it is ok even if the motivation is maybe coming from the wrong direction. I had a grief therapy session at lunch and physical therapy after work. No time to think! But the therapist has me writing to Steve every night. So I do that...and then I write to you here and I am feeling a little less sad.

 

I forgot to ask how exam 2 went?

 

Thanks for asking. Exam 2 went well over all. Only 3 failed to achieve the minimum grade of 78%. Even those 3 were pretty close like 74 and 76. I don't curve my grades but they are able to get 11 soft points for journaling about their clinical days and doing virtual simulation exercises. So not too bad! One student who has a really bad attitude wanted to dispute several of the answers because they "just don't make sense ". I wanted to fail her right then and there. Semester is almost over....she will make either a really great nurse or the worst nurse ever.
Heading to bed. Early morning tomorrow. Sweet dreams

 

I wasn't able to sleep last night. At all. I was so restless. Now I am worried about sleeping tonight. Sleep anxiety is the worst. I forgot my phone at home today and felt out of sorts. I wanted to ask about what you did about items or things that have a strong attachment? I have a carton of eggs and an open pack of bacon in the refrigerator. It has been 11 weeks but I don't want anyone to touch it. How do I manage those kinds things? His towel hanging on the hook....

 

Oh pumpkin, I wish I could hug you and let you scream and cry until you felt some relief. I couldn't begin making heads or tails of anything for weeks myself. I went from a solid 2 income household where my income was pretty much disposable income to now having Bill's that I never had before. I now have a mortgage that I never had before, utilities that he handled, life insurance and more on my meager teachers pay. Anxiety set in and I was paralyzed. I finally reached out to my employee assistance program to find a therapist to help me figure out where to start. Unfortunately, they were of little help so I went to an online therapist with a company called Brightside. My doctor is awesome and I have weekly goals that I do. I have started on Wellbutrin a couple of weeks ago and I am less sad and less anxious daily. I'm not saying that's what you need but I am encouraging you to not try to carry this burden alone. I still feel alone a lot because my children don't understand even though they lost their dad, my journey is different from theirs. The manner in which I grieve is different than theirs. I carry all of my stress in my neck and shoulders and the pain is almost unbearable at times. I need a massage but don't really want anyone to touch me. I'm trying to get up the courage to make an appointment and get it done because I know it will make me feel better. I want you to examine in your mind what the eggs symbolize. Would he want you to keep those items?? I am not minimizing their value at this time but want you to pick your battles carefully. I can say without hesitation that he loved your strength and would want you to be as strong in life without him as you were with him by your side. I tell myself that Walter is here with me challenging me to rise to every obstacle that comes my way. Some days I succeed and some days not so much but I can whisper to him that I gave it my best. That helps me not feel so bad. You are in my prayers daily. When I pray for all of us who are navigating this weird journey called grief. Big, tight hug to you from the Carolinas.

 

RNgirl, and Louise,
I’ve just read through quite a few of your posts. You’re offering each other such wonderful support and friendship. I hope you don’t mind if I join in your conversation a little bit. I am so sorry for your losses.
When I read about the carton of eggs and bacon, it hit home with me. Just a little back story. I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack, he was healthy, no health issues. Until that one night while we were watching tv, and he didn’t feel well. He was taken from our beautiful life together in 2 hours. Shock to my system is an understatement.
I had trouble moving anything that Ron had put down. His shoes by his recliner, his iPad on the arm of his chair, he placed it there when he wasn’t feeling well. We had just bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner, all those things became extra special. I had trouble changing our bed sheets. His pillow case is still on his pillow. I have snacks we bought together. We ran our business together, I had to empty and close our shop. Many of my first visits to our shop I did nothing but cry. I saw where he laid down the tools and the last things he was working on. I couldn’t touch them. I cry now as I write about it. It’s hard to explain but it’s the last things he’s touched, last things he did. And it all has meaning to me because he’ll never take his shoes off again , never lay on the bed sheets again. Never put things back in the fridge again, as in your case with eggs and bacon. I’m assuming they were bought by him or with him and something he enjoyed. You’re not alone in how you feel, I’m right there with you. I get it. I haven't sat in his recliner still to this day. It will be 2 years in November. Each day I think today is the day, but I can’t. The eggs and bacon symbolize him being home. You will move them in your time. Things that go bad kind of help push you anyway. I still have a bag of Chex mix he bought. And I saved his throw away bowl at work that he had his last snack in and his empty can of soda. The last things he had touched. When the time comes you can always save the egg carton, but I know you don’t to move it.
Louise, I’m like you in how you use Walter as your strength. I consider Ron my inspiration for everything I do. I still want him to be proud of me and proud I’m his wife. Our husbands are still with us, in our hearts and minds, and help us get through each day.
God Bless! Keep working towards better days! ❤️

 

RLC, thank you for sharing this. I keep Walter's night shirt under his pillow in my bed. I am in the process of going through his things to decide what is truly meaningful to me. I've had to come to the conclusion that both he and I had traits of being hoarders. He used to have a private medical practice and I had no choice but to go through his things and figure out what had to go now and what I could make a decision on later. I was in the office with his secretary trying to be dignified and not break down. I thought about his strength during some really bad times and how he held me up and was the voice of reason so that I didn't lose my mind. I believe I shared that my son was murdered several years ago. I wanted to die. Walter reminded me that although I was in pain life doesn't stop. I could pause some things but time would keep moving on. I was shaky at best for a while but each day he was there to cheer me on. I keep telling myself he is still cheering me on. I have to believe that so that I can function every day. As you said, when it is time, you will figure out what you need to do, Tina. I know you will find the strength a little at a time to reassemble your life into something that you can be satisfied with. Hugs and blessings from the Carolinas to you both.

 

That’s a great way to keep Walter close. I love that. Going through the things is hard and takes time. Also very draining. I have way too many things from our upholstery shop now in my home. Mostly in my basement. I threw out a lot too. My cousin had just passed away a month before Ron and it made me say to Ron, if something happens to you what I do with everything in the shop. He told me when we retire I plan to keep the sewing machines, leather, tools etc. I kept those things, sold some things and put our very first air compressor that we purchased many moons ago, in a memorial garden that I made to honor Ron. We were to start retirement on my birthday early Sept of this year. That was a very difficult day for me. We were together since I was 16 and he was 19, 44 years, married 41. Nothing is the same.
I am so very sorry about your son, no words! But Walter was there to help you through and now you feel his strength but in different ways, to get you through again. and that’s how I move forward too. Think of what would Ron say or do. I can hear him in my head. How long were you married if you don’t mind me asking.
Please take care of you!

 

Hello ladies! Just read my way through this entire thread and am sitting with a big smile! In these times it is so wonderful to find people caring for and helping each other. Another nurse here ... med/surg to start then 18 years ICU and CCU, then travel nurse for my last 7 years. I am coming up to the first anniversary of my hubby's death on October 11th. It has been a year like none I could have imagined! I am retired but have worked non-stop on going through Mike's things and doing repairs on the house and property. Seems everything has fallen apart along with me. My chimney needed rebuilding, then my septic system collapsed and had to be replaced, then the deck needed replacing. The work has kept me busy, and though stressful, I have gained a real sense of competence. I have many days of tears, many days of disbelief, many days of anger but am truly grateful that so far I have escaped depression. Each morning I make sure I work 2 hours outside which I feel really helps. I have been out riding my Vespa scooter many afternoons...just me and the sunshine and the wind. I visit Mike's grave whenever I have news to share or a problem he would help me figure out. He had a huge surgery 15 months before he died and adopted the motto "Life has changed, not ended". I think it is a verse from the bible. Anyway he had me put that on his gravestone so I would see it whenever I visited and asked me to adopt it as my motto when he was gone. I give it my best shot every day.

 

Walter and I were together for 40 years. You and Ron have us beat for sure but most of my adult life was spent with him. I had just come out of a bad first marriage when I met him. I had been raising my son and daughter on my own after their dad decided he didn't wan to be married anymore. I was lonely and all of 22 years old with two young children trying to figure life out. Well, I made up my mind when I was pregnant with my second child that I was not going to ever again be dependent on a man for anything ( or so I thought) so I decided to go to nursing school. I started school when my 1st child was 18 months old and my 2nd was 3 months old. It was awful!! Anyhow, I am at clinicals at a local hospital and I see this tall, handsome man with the most gorgeous head of hair and I swooned. He wasn't paying me any attention though. I went out of my way to make him notice me and for several weeks nothing happened. So one day I grabbed him by his lab jacket and pulled him into a linen closet and said something dumb like "what's the deal???". He was so shy and looked at me with the most horrified stare. I asked him was there something wrong with me and he softly replied no but I'm also not looking for anyone. My heart sank. He then asked me if he could maybe take me out for a cocktail and we could talk. Of course I jumped at that! Well, long story short we were a fulltime item thereafter. Lots of hiccups along the way but I couldn't have asked for a better man or better father to my children. He would have turned 65 on Thanksgiving day this year. I am dreading that day...........I had such plans for our "golden years". I have to keep him close so that I don't miss him in a painful way all the time. We spent many years working apart through travel jobs or working opposite shifts but in the last 2 years he had finally stopped traveling and was home every night. I never thought I would miss his snoring but I do. Thank God one of my Pomeranians snores loudly. It helps. I have always longed to learn how to upholster furniture. The closest I have gotten is doing kitchen chairs. I have upcycled some other furniture though. Dressers and coffee tables and such. It used to relax me, now I have to push myself to get anything done. But I hear him saying "come on, little girl, get it done". He was one who could push through almost anything. I always thought I would go first..............

 

Hello and welcome to the bereaved nurse's corner. Your nursing adventures sound a lot like mine. I started on M/S floors like you and then did travel nursing on and off for almost 15 years. I got sick somehow during my last travel assignment and had to settle down. I am now teaching at a local college and it's a daily challenge. I can certainly feel you when you say it never stops! Walter did not leave a will so getting everything in order for probate has been very time consuming to say the least. One does get a sense of competence as well as satisfaction that you are stronger than even you thought. I keep reminding myself that Walter loved me because I was strong enough to handle some tough situations. So I have to be tough now. I find myself expecting him to come home at times and then have to remember that he isn't ever coming home again. Not like when he would be gone for 5 or 6 days at a time. I keep the urn with Walter's ashes right next to my bed with his picture. I sleep with his nightshirt under my pillow. I've taken to driving his car, which I never did until now. Like your Mike, my Walter had 2 surgeries about a year apart and was never the same after that, but I still wasn't prepared for him to go. I love the motto that you have on Mike's headstone. It says alot. No, life is changed for sure but certainly not over yet. I applaud you for all that you have accomplished in this year. I hope to be a little stronger every day in a good way. Nice to meet you, my friend. Don't be a stranger. Sending you a hug from the Carolinas......Karen

 

OMG! Are we secretly twins? I was 8 months pregnant with my third and had a 14 month old and a three year old when I started nursing school because I was never going to be dependent on a man again. Started in September and had my baby Oct 29th. Some of my classmates did their OB follow through on me! My first husband left that spring so I finished the next 2 1/2 years of school on my own with 3 babies. An insane time but you find out what you are really made off. Met the love of my life, Mike, when the youngest was 8. My brother-in-law taught at the same school as Mike. Mike had bought tickets for a 4 day ski trip for him and his girlfriend but they had broken up. Mike was trying to sell the tickets but not having any luck so my brother-in-law says "Why don't you keep them and take my sister-in-law?" . Mike called me and said "You have 3 choices 1. buy both tickets 2. buy one ticket 3. Come on the trip as my date" I replied that I was a single mother with 3 kids who had just moved...I had no money and would go as his date. Hadn't even seen a picture of him at that point but trusted my sister when she said he was handsome and wonderful. The next 30 years were were one long love story. Mike was an incredible guy and through everything that life and teenagers threw at us we never faltered. He fought cancer for 10 years and never once complained. I am so grateful for all the wonderful times we had together. This pain of losing him is a small price to pay for 30 wonderful years!! HUGS!!!

 

I love your story!!!! I agree with you that I am so grateful for the wonderful time I had with my husband just like you and Mike. It's funny how we think we will never love again when we lose a love. I truly believed that my first husband was going to be my mate for life and boy was I wrong!!! I don't know where I would be if Walter hadn't come into my life. He saw things in me than I saw in myself. I doubt that I would have completed grad school without him. Every time I wanted to throw in the towel, he pushed me on. I am so sorry for you losing the love of your life. Cancer sucks.

 

Thank you for your reply. The bacon and eggs was something he always bought. He always cooked breakfast. He always have me the eggs that were perfect and worked so hard to make my tea just right. He made me breakfast before he left that last time. That carton of eggs looks like stability and safety and love. I covered it with a paper towel for a while when I couldn't look. I never moved his towel from his last shower either. I am guessing it will resolve itself when the time comes. I have always been so strong and independent and now that I know how good it can be to share life I feel defeated.
This site and these stories make the day tolerable. I look forward to coming here and reading these stories of resiliency and growth. I love you all, The bereaved nurses.

 

Sending love back in big bunches!! You are going to survive and be okay. I won't say you'll be fine because that term fine is so subjective. But you will be okay. There will be good days and bad for the rest of your life but hopefully it will be more good ones than not. Sweet rest is my prayer for you tonight my friend. Sending hugs from the Carolinas!