This grief is going to kill me

Today was an okay day. It was busy and stressful and hard...but it was okay. It's the first day that I have been able to say that. I made it through, I didn't cry and I had something to offer people. I am home and can feel the tears coming -but I am not so afraid of them today. Thank you for that...

 

I am so happy to read this. Let the tears come. I am learning that some days aren't days to wear makeup because I know without a doubt I'm going to bawl. I know that it's okay to do that. We've suffered a huge loss that only someone who has experienced the same thing can understand. Losing a mum/dad, sibling and even a child, is different. I've lost both a husband and a child and I can tell you for me, it is NOTthe same. I was paralyzed emotionally when my son died but I still had my parents and my husband. Now, I have none of them. The biggest parts of my support system are gone. But with each loss, individually, they each told me that within me lies the power to go on. Somewhere deep within us there is the strength to go on for as long as humanly possible. One day we simply won't be able to summon that strength, but that time isn't now.
I hold you up in prayer and a sacred sisterhood. You've made it to hump day, my friend. Congratulations!!! We got this. Be blessed and have the best day possible today.

 

Just a good night post. Tina, my friend. I hope that each day gets just a little better than the day before. As a nurse I know we seldom have the control we desire in our workplace so we have to find that control elsewhere. Right now absolutely nothing in our world is as it should be. With some work, a lot of prayers, our lives will start to make some sense again.
Sweet dreams and I'll check in on you tomorrow unless you're tired of me already.

 

No I am not tired of you! The grief Therapist told me that this is where I would find the answers to how and why....the only place where I would be understood. Here. Today was on okay day. When I worked in the hospital I loved having student nurses with me. I loved teaching them to start Iv's. I would make then do it until they got one. They would be so excited. Do you teach theory or skills? Both? Your prayers and messages mean so much...thank you.

 

What area of nursing are you in?

 

Good morning!! I do mostly didactic lectures but do weekly labs for first and second year students. I teach, of all things, mental health and advanced med surg. I sometimes find myself wishing I were still able to work the floors but I can't tolerate 12 hours on my feet anymore. I injured my back years ago when I was working in an emergency department in Virginia beach and should have had surgery but because I had young children and a husband with a young practice, I opted not to. I've babied it ever since. I always wanted to teach, or at least I thought I did. I had no idea of all the work that was involved. I certainly made more money at the bedside but it is really nice not having emergency calls and working nights or weekends. I did management for about the last 10 years. I learned it's nice to have the title but the responsibility will kill you in so many ways.
Teaching at the local college has a number of benefits that are pretty cool. First, it's literally 5 minutes from my home. Fairly flexible hours, and nothing is an emergency. Gotta love that. I just turned 63 in July and hope to stay full time until 66 and then go part time. We'll see how it goes. Without my husband's income, I can't afford to stop working any time soon.
Your grief therapist was right. You are among people who understand your pain because we're going through similar situations. No two people experience loss exactly the same but because the situations are similar, they can be more empathetic than those who have never experienced loss. I teach my MH students using a lot of case studies. It's fun and fascinating watching them. I will say this younger generation is way different than I was when I was in nursing school. There's not the same respect for the instructor, there is very little evidence of them being able to critically think. Makes it tough some days, but overall I enjoy my job.

Enough about me. My mantra for us for today is we have the power to make it a great day. So, have a wonderful day today. Smile even though your heart is broken. What we send out into the universe is what we get back. So we're going to send out good, strong, positive vibes today. Sending hugs your way from the Carolinas

 

Cardiac....all cardiac .....almost 40 years worth. Last 16.5 years in leadership. Right up the road in NC

 

Leadership almost killed me. On call, filling in for call outs. Working 7 days a week more times than I want to remember. I miss the money but not the stress.

What part of NC? My husband was from Winston Salem.

 

Wilmington/Southport. I hear you on the stress.

 

I also hurt my back. I had to have a back fusion a year and a half ago. I am still trying to recover. Bedside is so hard on the body for sure. I am working in this high risk OB office attached to the labor and delivery floor. Phone triage and some wound care. Lactation and diabetes teaching. I miss having more control of how much I made (overtime pay) but only having the option of normal hours is nice too. Have you ever heard of the Camino De Santiago? I have been thinking about trying to do it next year....in one year. A dream of mine. It is supposed to be a place to find yourself. I don't think I am totally lost but some soul searching is in order. I hope you rest peacefully.

 

Oh my word!! I am so sorry to hear that you hurt your back. I fell off a loading dock at the ER I used to work at many years ago and my back has never been the sane so I truly feel your pain. Girl, I fully understand the money part of your comment. I went from making 6 figures easily to way less than 80k annually. But I fully agree that having some semblance of normal hours is really nice. No I haven't heard of the Camino De Santiago. Tell me more about it, please. I am struggling just to remember that I promised myself that I would journal daily to try to work some things out. I definitely have a problem with follow-through, lol. Well, you help me struggle with journaling and I'll cheer you on for your adventure. Deal?

I think I told you about being started on BP meds for uncontrolled HTN last week. Well, I don't think I can take the ACE the doc ordered. I'm barking like the dogs! Can't take it. So on the menu for next week is a call to the doc to see if he will change the med.

We will both be doing some serious soul searching over the next few months, possibly years, but growth is not a bad thing. Painful sometimes, but not a bad thing....well unless it's around your waist, lol

Okay sweetie, going to try to get some chores done. Not feeling exactly spiffy today and only got 2 hours of sleep last night but I'm determined to get something done today even if it is only laundry. Wish me luck, I'm going in!!!!

 

Heading off to bed. Got a little done today so I take that as a win. Hopefully one day the world will be balanced again. Sending you good vibes across the miles my friend.

 

I forget that you ahead in time by maybe 3 hours. My daughter is a nurse in the NICU and she wanted me to help her make Halloween costumes for the tiny babies. Once I got started on that I can't seem to put it down.
I decided last night- that I am going to the beach. My daughter lives in Florida and I am going in a month to spend 5 days at the ocean. I booked my ticket before I could over think it.
Reading back through our messages counts as journaling I should think. There is some really good stuff here. I read all the way through them every night and I think it is helping me to not feel so alone. I hope you rest well tonight Karen.

 

Good morning! My hat is off to your daughter being a NICU nurse. All of my babies were premature so I spent a lot of time in NICUs with them. It takes a very special person to work with those little babies. I think it's phenomenal that you are making outfits for the babies. I am so happy to hear you booked your ticket to go visit your daughter in Florida. Sometimes a getaway helps. A change of scenery, being around family. So happy!!!! I totally enjoy hearing from you regularly and check my email frequently to see how you are doing. Sending hugs across the miles!!!

 

Boy, my asthma is trying to stir itself up. I am wheezing today which is unusual for me most of the time. The changing weather is the culprit I'm sure. I will definitely be heading to bed early as I have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully your Sunday was restful as much as possible and that you will have a good week ahead. Hugs from the Carolinas!!

 

Hopefully you get a full night of rest. I imagine it is starting to get cold there. I am just looking forward to days that are not 100 every day. I got a bunch of cleaning done-which I hate-but always makes my week run smoother. I walked for two hours this morning so hopefully it will help me sleep better. Are you near to the ocean? We were having so much smoke her in Arizona from the California fires that everyone was struggling to breath here. It seems to be better this last week. I also look forward to hearing from you. It seems to be what has made this last week tolerable. Thank you.
Tina

 

Hi Tina!!! I so look forward to getting your messages. I am so sorry you guys are in the path of the smoke from those wildfires. The weather here during the fall is generally 50 to 60 at night and then anywhere from 70 to high 80s during the day. So sweater weather in the mornings and bikinis in the afternoon. No wonder our pneumonia season starts in October and runs through February/March.
I'm pleased and envious of you walking for 2 hours today. I am exhausted after 15 minutes. Perhaps you can inspire me to push myself to be more active. My students will be taking their second exam tomorrow morning before lecture and hopefully the grades will reflect the hard work I put into this course. I pray we both have a great week ahead and continue to lift each other up. Sweet dreams and hugs from the Carolinas

 

Karen, walking seems to be the thing for me that I can do without crying. I can only listen to some kinds of music. Nothing sad or sweet. So I play music and walk. We don't really have water here in Arizona. Our "river walk" is a dry riverbed. It had water maybe 7 days a year. But there is a nice 100 mile path that goes around the whole city. I am going to make it around it. Just 4 miles at a time. The walk I want to do in Spain is a pilgramage. It is a spiritual walk for many...they say you can find yourself on the Camino. The people in small villages welcome the walkers because they believe that it will help then get into heaven. There is a movie called THE WAY. It is about the Camino De Santiago Maybe if are bored sometime you could watch it. That is part of the reason I want to get stronger. I want to be able to do this-to find myself..
A sweaty hug from Arizona
Tina

 

Good morning Ms. Tina!!!! I applaud you again for doing what I haven't been able to do in quite some time. I need to push myself a little bit harder and work through the pain. Getting older is not for sissies, I swear. I never had high blood pressure, my asthma was well controlled, I didn't have arthritis everywhere and now.....
I will watch the movie you mentioned to learn more about the Camino. It sounds like an awesome experience. I'd like to go to a retreat somewhere and quiet my mind a bit. Between work and home it seems like there is always something that needs my attention. I just want quiet time. One of the gentlemen that I used to work with when I was running a local detention center's medical unit, moved to Arizona a couple of years ago and he absolutely loves it. I have never been to Arizona but it's on the bucket list. That bucket list, thankfully isn't as long as it has been but it still has a good number of things that need to be checked off. What do I always say, we are works in progress!
Gotta go do a zoom meeting in a few. I'll check in on you later. And thank you for that hug!!! I'm sending one right back to you from rainy South Carolina.

 

This sounds great. I have rescued a dog so I have some company and so I am walking a few times a day with him. It helps to get some fresh air and walk - one foot in front of the other some days. The Camino De Santiago sounds like a healing experience. I hope you get to go! Some days I have a hard time connecting to God through prayer because my emotions are so intense and I feel they take over my prayers. But I keep trying.
I have heard that the smoke from the fires can be seen in New England. My heart goes out to those who are affected by the fires. I can’t imagine...
It sounds like you are really trying to take care of yourself and that can only be good. Praying for peace.