The Saw In The Garage (autobiographical stuff)

The Saw In The Garage
We were idiots! We bought a bigAss House! Much more about this in the course of things...
At one point we bought a Saw! I found the Saw in the garage under all sorts of dirty moldering crap. This was when I started throwing stuff out in earnest. It was some Sears Craftsman Reciprocating Saw in neat canvass-like bag! I guess we got it for some stupidAss projeckt like make yer own tile shit or trim Windrow curtains... so we'd buy shit like Sears Craftsman Reciprocating Saw when we had the energy to be young and extremely Stoopid! Now my dilemna was what to do with the damn thing! I guess a normal person would try and sell it. I'm not a normal person! I'm either a tortured artistick genius or a ultraMega f---Up. A freak or a fool. A Demigod or a Saint. I sure as hell don't know ! I just want to be a Shamen when I grow up. A prophet of the 4t.
So anyway Saw goes to Kerb some repair-ie saw-user old dude (f--! I'm like an old dude too really) can sell it; or use it to clean his ass for all I care! I'm free of the damn thing and memories and hopeful narratives of a universe where Valerie and Eye are together happy healthy and doing stupid ass Windrow Cutting Sears Craftsman Reciprocating Saw projeckts!
To be totally fucking Dramatick life has switched a flip on me and and the vessel that was my Soul emptied out and as the drought parched soil soaks up the meager rains I long to be reFilled up! Now as the drought stretches through the Summer of '21 I search for something. Something Real and Strong! A new me that Accepts things and Surrenders to things and Lives things!
I hear mysterious houseNoises. Somewhere a Ghost may be frowning... Looking down and frowning. Frowning at the Sears Craftsman Reciprocating Saw at the Kerb (yes I use the kool british spelling Ha!) Frowning at the metal detector in the unreachable part of the attic. Why did we buy a metal detector? to find, of course, the wedding ring I lost raking leaves back when I gave a damn and did subUrban Shit like that! . Somewhere a Ghost may be frowning... Looking down and frowning. Frowning at the Demons and Wizards of the AfterLife that pre-empted Judge Joody! I remember The Judge Joody Ev'ry afternoon at 4. I'd usually, if I was lucky, be in my pajamas and she'd be sittin' on the rather rippd' battered old chaisePart of the couch. Crankily complaining 'bout this or that; she or her, kid or adult, at work. And I'd go yep and nod a lot. All was OK! Most of the time Judge Joody was too boring to focus on and it'd put me in a Morphick Haze... Then The loud Lawyer or BigPharma commercial would come on and then the news-break perk-break update with Jon and Erika would stir me up and boil the blood with their goin' on about what to be scared of. Somewhere a Ghost may be frowning... Looking down and frowning. Frowning at me this moment! -
But the Ghosts can frown all they want. I should take a shower. I know I should bathe more. But there's that foul "Should" word again! Should is such an evil little word! Like HalfPriceBooks (HPB)is such an evil evil dirty store! Fed my Book addiction. My Collections Opium. So many books! So cheap to buy! Magazines, media, video, CeeDeez! The last several months getting rid of all this shit. 14 totes here 86 boxes there! Goodwill HPB the Kerb. Culling through and getting rid of this Sik Sad Collection! I don't want or need anything right now. There are too many loudAss chuncka-boomza and clunkz out there.
I do not like it at all!

 

Wow, George. you're my funny & angry
kick ass hero! I've never felt "normal".
either, but I think that's one of the reasons
Valerie was attracted to you, and Linda was attracted to me. After one of my
wilder moments, she would say that at
least I wasn't beige. Loved your Jack
Kerouac stream of consciousness style
of writing. You just let the words &
emotions flow, like Jackson Pollock did his
paintings. Some of the greatest comedians
come out of sadness, loneliness, and
anger. We have all 3. You gave me a
LMSO when you said some "old dude"
could pick up your saw, and he could "use
it to clean his ass", for all you care! Your
memory of half watching Judge "Joody"
with Valerie, was priceless. I think your
writing & sharing your story with us, is a
very healthy thing to do, as long as you're
not too hard on yourself. Linda & I made a
lot of stupid financial decisions, too, but
that's all "water under the bridge"....Lou

 

Thanks for reading my little piece Lou. Wrote it last Summer, not sure what anyone would think. I want to write a autoBiography called EyePilotz World. LoL
Thanks again bigBro! I have to have some way of dealing with the last 15 crazed years!

 

Love the title, George! Hope you share
more of your writings. Everyone knows
you're a bright & funny ( and sometimes
angry) guy, who's been through hell, and
needs a break. Lou

 

Thanks Bro... I keep trying. Still precarious but mindfully enjoying the sunlight in my room listening to the boring radio for companio0nship. Got therapist tomorrow. That is good. I still feel so empty and blank but all of you TGWs help!

 

So glad you're talking with a therapist
tomorrow. I used to talk with mine on
Mondays , too, & it was good to start the
week off. I felt empty & blank today, too.
Thank God for GIC & the GW!! Lou

 

I feel real wyrd! Not into anything as usual but Don't really care. Trying this mindfulness stuff. Don't crave or desire anything. No excesses. I feel kinda balanced. I'll take it cuz it shuts out that evil BsTrd Mr. Grief!

 

OMG George this is a perfect, perfect reflection of you. Perfect grief doing in the brain what grief does. If there are more of these musings don’t hesitate to share them. Omg I love this! ~B

 

I agree with you, Bernadine, about
George's writing. He puts all his emotions
into it: sadness, anger, loneliness, and,
yes , humor. He is a bright, kind, and very
talented guy. Lou

 

Wow!
Thank you.
There are 17 journals full of stuff like this. But I need to type it up.
I never really shared cuz I never knew anyone (even Valerie) interested in my writing.
And I'm neurotic that people will make light of it.
(Valerie thought my artsy-ness pretentions and overblown)

 

Thank you more than you can imagine!

 

Keep it up! Going to bed soon,
George. "Talk" tomorrow! Lou

 

It’s a style I think both Lou and I appreciate.
Beatnik freestyle stream of consciousness…… “dig it” lol

 

Thatz how I write. "On The Road" was my philosophical touchstone as a kid of 16!
I did major in creative writing actually at UIC then found myself teaching Junior High for 25 years. Then my kidneys exploded into stars of fire-blue psychoCysts and and the world went mad. We became prisoners of the MedicoIndustrial Complex and then she had useless Chemo that just made her sicker and pointless radiation torture...
Then She died.
I moved.
I don't know much anymore
I want to be reBorn

 

Good sound sleep! For all of us griefWarriors!

 

Thanks, Gary, woke up at 7:30am, my
time, instead of my usual 6am. If you
see my reply to Debra, you'll see why,
and may find it amusing. Lou

 

George,

You are a very gifted writer. I hope for real, you write "EyePilotz World,"lol!!!... I want to read it, wait... I bet, scrap this!!!, TUTTAM!!!, I KNOW!!! all of our GIC "family" wants to read it too.

Just like Lou & Bernadine, I LOVE!!!, as Bernadine so beautifully said, your "Beatnik freestyle stream of consciouness!!!", TUTTAM!!!

All we can do, as Gary said in what seems like an eternity ago, is to "Keep on keeping..." I am so over the top happy you're a part of our GIC "family..." I know I can speak for all of us when I say, We love you...

With lots of love & hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. Started this way over an hour ago wanting to begin to catch up with all that's been happening around here since I've been MIA, but one of my very favorite neighbor's dropped by, and we talked, and talked, and talked, etc., etc., etc. I doubt the Energizer Bunny would have been able to keep up with us.

Got to go...
I'm watching my youngest son defend his dissertation in less than an hour. I'm so over the top happy for him!!!, this being the biggest achievement (so far), in his life. It feels so wrong... Bob should be celebrating this very over the top special moment with us... I NEED!!! a tissue!!!, but refuse to let Mr. Grief trash today. I've already kicked Mr. Grief in the ass once this morning, and just kicked him BIG!!! TIME!!! in the ass again. Mr, Grief WILL NOT WIN TODAY's BATTLE!!!, TUTTAM!!!

 

Oh The Deb I can't tel;l you how much I appreciate you and the GIC Warriors! Here's the next bit after the Saw episode. I special preview for you (and anyone else too!) A fragment called Bobz Motor from last summer sitting around in my House... I guess I need to get typing stuff up! From my cramped writing in the notebooks! Beat the F out of MG!!! YES!
Bobz Motor
Now about the boringAss neigborhood...
There's a whole World outside my doorStep. It is called Gilbert Avenue. Gilbert Avenue is full of chanting hooshing honking metal bubbleBoxesfull of shiny people like Western Springs Boston Types screaming into rectangles in these so-called Carz. 1-2... 3-4! Shiny in the Sun. Swooosh Whish Slow Flow Buzz Roar Purrrr... Snore! CertraaaaPro wrapped painter's car adds festive color and fun! Where's yer plot? Where's yer Control Group the crowds all scream. This is 2021 and you're supposed to Act, re-Act a certain way. -All right?- Ok? I hear the mournful horn moans on constucktion Streets Steel Machine hunts on never-ending Patrol. Inseckt muffins. A new motor starts up...
Valerie's phone rings, hearts pulse, motor whines loudly... Another thing a responsible grown-up would do see to the dead wife's phone... We gots ta move then we deal with that shit. Starting a new separate life is highly exhausting! It is very hard. Who said anything was supposed to be Easy! Loud Lawn Motor! "How are you Bob? How Are You guys doing?" "Wonderful" no doubt. I try to listen to Bob and Lady. The highPoint of my day! Half heard conversation between backYard Bob and some Lady.

 

George, I'm with you about noise. There's
a classic Seinfeld episode, when George
Costanza's father runs through his house,
screaming, "SERENITY NOW!!!". I'm sitting
in the Senior Center, with the Q-Tips,
men & women with white hair. I was
trying to drink my coffee from Dunkin'
and reply to GW on GIC, but an elderly
woman was droning on, without taking a
breath, to a quiet woman,about her CAT.
I couldn't stand it anymore, & went to
the other room. This time, an old Q-Tip
man was blathering non stop to a quiet
man. I can't win, & I'm about to leave.
Thank God Linda isn't here to listen to
all this crap. She would probably say to
both of these boring assclowns: " PUT A
SOCK IN IT!!!". Lou

 

Congratulations to your son, Deb........WAY TO GO ABOUT MR GRIEF....kicking him from my end too.....he's had enough of my heart for the last couple of days....sooooo tired...have a great time and best wishes to you and family...hugs, sunshine and smiles, Rita