Today we are spreading my mom's ashes. I haven't seen her in 5 years, my brother chose to see her before she was cremated, I couldn't do it. I haven't spoken to her in over 3 years. At one point in my life this women was my best friend but her poisonous ways forced me to cut her out of my life and I now feel that I did not know this women, at least not the women she became. Everyone that will be there today knew the women from the last 5 years, do they will be speaking of someone I don't know. They will share stories I've never heard of a person I no longer knew, a person they will tell me was great and wonderful. The women I knew, NEVER would have gave up like she did. I don't want to go today, for one it's a 3 hour drive away, two my body is clearly fighting this as I've woken up with a migraine and three I no longer know this women so how can I get closure. I know I need to do this I know that even though she didn't bother saying goodbye to me, no note, no nothing, I know I should do this. My brother and father say I should anyways. I'm so lost and confused, I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. I walk around in a fog and I don't even know how I feel. Well that's where I'm at.
So sorryfor the turmoil which has entered your life uninvited. I feel like the most important thing you should do, it to listen to your heart. If it is something that you think will help you, then by all means do it. But if it is just something that somebody else thinks you should do then it is not going to help you. Do the things that will help you heal. Of course you don't even know how you feel. You have been presented with a very difficult, shocking situation, and thata is normal. Don't worry about how you feel or your feelings. You cannot control those. What you can control is taking care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Only do what will help you heal, not what someone else thinks will help you heal. Stay connected here. We love you and care about you. Chris
