Sudden, Surreal & Blank Canvas

How did I miss this post? Animal Planet is showing very calming shows lately.
Love that video, good call!

 

Rarely do we confess that sometimes we just want to die, join our loved one, rest finally, relief from pain and really, not seeing a future. I wish I had the answer. I am still working through my grief, although it does get less excruciating. UP and DOWN. The physical aspect of grief is difficult, anxiety and the real pressure and pain the chest. I don't think there is any way people can understand losing someone close, a spouse, in my case, my husband of 25 years. I hope that you will consider that your life has meaning, you were born into this world alone and with a purpose. What that is will have to evolve out of this mess.

 

Just a note for anyone who has read this thread, Abc has a private conversation going with others.

-david

 

Thank you for the up date David. I was concerned.

 

Thank you. Good.

 

Following this thread, I felt compelled to write. So much here. It's 5 months for me and, yes, the grief and our experience of it evolves. It really does have it's own time line, its own lifeline. Feeling out of control is normal, because it just takes us over, the emotions and we have to hold on for the ride. Last night, was a bad night. At first, after my husband died, I couldn't sleep in the dark. Then I was able to turn off the lights. Now again, for a few weeks, I have to sleep with a night light. I think I am open, vulnerable and susceptible to fears and dreams. I've been doing a lot of meditation and inner work, recalling old memories, trying to forgive and make peace. ABC, you were about to plan a wedding... so, I hear in your writing that there is this feeling of not having completed something very important, feeling betrayed and angry for not being able to celebrate your love and engage in this important milestone. Also that your education and career was the timeline... and now you may feel, why? What was all that about when you loved each other so much? Time lines and unrealized dreams can feel hard and unfair. I have my own to ponder... But, when I read your words, I feel like you and Steve were already married, your love and togetherness and commitment to each other was so real. In life we do the best with what we have and even though things don't always turn out in the way we expect, when you go to the root of it, when you to see your core, your basic intention within yourself, you will always find love and goodness.

 

Hi kvr,
Sorry I haven't been on here and I missed your message to me. Its been a torrid time last few days. Its very nice of you to take the time and write to me. Thanks

I'm trying, everyday. Its rough but sometimes the only thing that brings me any peace is when I try not to think. I just let the questions float away on imaginary clouds. I tell myself I don't have to have the answers. I listen to spiritual teachings, the meaning of life, the goodness, kindness toward human race, concept of karmas, our journey through several lifetimes. That helps some. It says that this was all the time that I was supposed to have with Steve and now he must move on to another lifetime. Nobody can control that. Its already planned out. We are all souls moving through lives. Now it's on me to set him free so he can be happy wherever he is. So he doesn't get any painful vibes from my desperation and melancholy. Sometimes I'm able to make sense of this and feel some comfort, and at other times I just don't want to believe anything, I just want Steve back. I guess I will slowly slip into this deep understanding as each day goes by. I hope you continue meditation and reading. Sometimes it's all we can do to keep ourselves from going insane.

 

ABC,

I have read every word on this thread. There is not one syllable that I don't 100% to my core absolutely agree with, not one. I am thinking about what to add. It's been 15 months. Your state of mind I know chapter and verse. For the sake of being familiar my wife was deeply steeped in the Hindu belief. There are boxes of books, chanting hymns, pictures of most Hindu deities on the wall. Hours of devotional chanting on CDs. I did caretaking for both my mother then Kay from 2003 to 2018. Let's spend a few moments on the power of grief. To this day I can not grasp how intense and consuming grief and loss are. The thing you need the most is your mind. The thing that is destroyed is your mind, soul, heart, every fiber of your being. As your Hindu faith tells you is the Atman. The real self is God. Thou art that. The eternal watcher. The rest is Maya the Sanskrit word for illusion.

How is this relevant? I was on fumes those last few months. There was nothing left, nothing. She was in respite care while I was hours each day making the living room a hospital room. Working for hours then being with her as she lay dying. Then at 1:30 AM, I got the call she had passed. I was there in minutes. The Hospice dispatched two people to sit with me. I stayed till 6:00 AM then the funeral home was to come. I had to make calls to people who were to fly here and say stop. I had to load a truck rented to carry off things that made this living room a hospital room. The first few days all I could do was howl like some primal animal. I seriously considered a voluntary commitment. Atman I am estimating that's all that was left. That portion of our selves that witness everything, as it is and is eternal. I hung to that as everything was pain and obsession. A few examples. The first shower was nine days. The first step into a grocery was one month. I could not literally read for close to a year. The pain and I would refer to those as the white knuckle days of do we think we can possibly tolerate more. Uncontrollable weeping. No sleep for a few months. You get the idea because you are living it. Symptoms I can write pages. Ideas or things I did to cope I can write pages. The only reason to write to you is I can very much know your discomfort. I can say now it's not even close to that but at the time I would not have believed this day would happen. I was of the mind I would be married to her till the day I die. What you are saying is familiar.

As I have read you have very competent support here and are in touch with some I will say, veteran knowledgeable people. I credit a long time friend a veteran 43-year nurse as my support through this. If Karma was in play then likely that is Kays merit.

The next portion is the role of Doctors. As you may be aware of cancer patients is the tendency to clot. I have had them twice. I took her to the ER immediately. Your counterparts here were steller. Your profession you could not be prouder of. One particular floor doctor called on Kay. She could tell I was unraveling. She contacted an oncologist and was seen on a Saturday. There was some hail mary hope. Targeted Chemo. Kay was terrified as she knew the full Chemo, twice. She wanted to live. The toolbox available was not to be. Not a genetic match. That left one option. That one was a well-tolerated 20K per month medication. We got one and a half months. The best that drug could offer was eleven months of life extension. Kay wanted that. I wanted that. When it all was over I wrote to each of her team of medical people and thanked and praised everything done on Kays's behalf. The letter to the last oncologist read as follows. I know this was not the success that was hoped for. But it was in away. This time you gave us was time I had to stop grieving. The time left I could not be a basket case for what I had to do. This time and this hope I desperately needed to somehow pull it to gather to handle what was to unfold.

The pain I get. By grace, you will make it. The support here and what comes your way in real-time I hope is just what you need. I used whatever tool to survive. You will too. I like to think this tribute to your profession is a testament to how much Karma you will create. Live through this. We send virtual hugs I am virtually holding your hand. Be as well as you can be. Your life matters.

A fifteen-month survivor.

Paul M.

 

Good morning ABC. It is good to hear from you. I am glad you are being a warrior and fighting through this terrible time. HUGS

 

Thank you for these words Paul. As I continue to follow this thread, I see how what we say to one resonates to all, in so many ways that we may not realize or imagine. Your writing of your experience captures in a very visceral sense the essence of grief--your choice of words, the simplicity and the depth. I appreciate your statements about the role of the mind and how when the mind (and everything that is attached to it) is stripped away through suffering, the notion that what is left -or what is revealed is God--"the eternal watcher"

The eternal watcher! I've been thinking a lot about our need to bear witness to each other, and our loved ones were our main witness, our eternal watcher, so to speak and when they are gone, the void and loneliness that ensues... we wonder- who is going to witness my humanity, which in the end gives our life and existence value and when we know someone watches, cares, pays attention, we are inspired to love, to cry, laugh, write, act silly, teach, heal, sing.

I appreciate how you pointed out that the first months are total pain and obsession. I can relate to that word, obsession.

Again, thank you for sharing and I hope you are finding peace and love.

 

"who is going to witness my humanity" that's it! I having been trying to understand this loss, this desperate desire to have my husband back, He was my witness, with him I could be, I existed. Now it feels there is no one I can just "be" with. Even the most supportive friends and family want me to play a role they expect, they are comfortable with, meets their needs. This site is the only place that my humanity, my grief, is just witnessed. Here I am real again.

 

Thank you Paul for all the kind words.
I'm very sorry for your loss and believe me when I say, I can feel your pain and agony. The desperation, the helplessness and all the turmoil are beyond anything we've ever felt before. Your wife was a very good person and knowledgeable too. I don't have such deep understanding of hymns or pictures of dieties on the wall but I know few things through some of the lectures by Brahma Kumari Sister Shivani. She talks on the art of living and application of the preachings in today's world. She makes it very simple with examples of things that we go through everyday. I could always relate to her. She is a young woman who is invited by people from around the world for talks. The first thing that got through to me and got be entranced was when she told us that God is nothing to be fearful of. God never punishes or wishes bad for anyone or asks anyone to hurt another living being. Never. Because he is our father and every parent wants the best of things for their child no matter how bad the child might be. He forgives us for everything and regardless of what you might have done if you decide to be good, God will help you through it. He never closes his door or shuns you away. He is absolute love and strength, you never have to be afraid of God. If something bad happens in our lives, it's not God punishing us like many people say, it's our own karma at some point in some lifetime which is returning to us. During these times, we can take strength and guidance from God and get through it. God can't control what we do or what we've done in the past. He can only impart knowledge of right karma, of being kind and he can walk with us but we have to face our own adversities and choose to do the right karma. It's a choice that every individual makes for himself, it's not God bringing it upon anyone. That really got me. That people who preach of wrath of God and violence in the name of God are so wrong. God never gets angry, he is a source of endless peace and love. He teaches us right from wrong. He teaches us to stay in harmony, to help each other, to never hurt anyone, to be understanding of others emotions and to always wish well for everyone, even for those who might have done you wrong because it just might be a return of something that we did to someone at some point and it's important to let it go now. Not get caught in the vicious cycle of revenge and resentment. Let things go. Forgive and bless everyone.
This is the most comforting thought that has got me through many difficult times that God is never angry with us, he gives us strength every step of the way if we decide to do the right karma even in the face of something bad being done to us.
I don't know if it makes any sense to you. But it has helped me a lot. I still listen to her on YouTube. I don't have CDs but she has hundreds of videos on the internet. Sometimes I just let it play at low volume in the background, and through all this pain and emotional torture, some things here and there percolate through me and bring some level of peace. A little respite from this infitismal grief.
I know I'm no expert at this but I want all of you to know that even in your darkest times, please don't ever think God is angry or punishing you for anything. Please remember he is always with us if we choose to take the strength from him.
Paul, kvr and Annie I am sure you must know much more than me but I wanted to share this because it helps me to get through this loss of Steve and make some sense of this immense heartache and agony. I pray you feel some peace and comfort too. Some degree of solace. After all, we're all in this together. Just knowing that there are people on this site who I can relate to makes me feel understood because words can't describe the depth of pain and despair I feel. Thank you for writing to me, everyone. I hope I can help out too someday when I'm not so broken. Thank you.

 

The Soul of the Person is a contemporary account of the metaphysical basis for the transcendence of the human person. In being directed toward truth, beauty, and goodness, the human person transcends the physical order and reveals himself as a spiritual, as well as a material, being.

When Great Trees Fall
Maya Angelou
When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses and even elephants lumber after safety. When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear. When great souls die,the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We breathe, briefly. Our eyes, briefly,see with a hurtful clarity. Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid, promised walks never taken. Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our souls,dependent upon their nurture, now shrink, wizened. Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance,
 fall away. We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
 of dark, cold caves. And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed

KVR, ainie, ABC.

Each of you has written so much content. I think Of Kay's spiritual teacher who would say often, " Dear ones there are no coincidences". So here we all are. In the pursuit of the mind of God, nothing is wasted. God dwells in the heart.

I would guess each of us and all on this site has been reduced to our core. We try to build on the embers of our former selves. Most conversations I have are seldom about the weather. I am wondering if you all are experiencing the same. I will share a couple and would be interested in your opinions.

Early in my coping with this grief was my Hospice counselor who placed the notion of being social and attending an in-person Grief group. About every idea presented I would do in order to cope. I attend and a lot happens there. I had planned to make a day of being out. That included a special Jewish Deli I remembered and a trip to a thrift store in the area. A friend loves that store. The deli had closed about eight years prior. I was ready for something and attempted to go to a BBQ that Kay and I had often gone. They after 30 years had retired. That restaurant I had taken Kay directly from her being in an SNF. The food there was horrible and with Kays cancer, her appetite was not much. I chose the BBQ for the southern food choices Kay had grown up with and she if having any appetite would eat.

I settled on an Ethiopian restaurant close by. Just I and a woman are customers that day. I asked if it would be alright to join her. We ended up in a conversation about grief. She was from Jamaica and at one time she and her husband had a business in the part of the city Kay and I lived in. She had long since moved out of the city but on occasion would come to Seattle to eat at this particular restaurant. In her life and some twenty years earlier she and her husband had befriended someone on hard times. Her husband often gave money to the less fortunate. They had him over to their home. There was some odd behavior, mental illness. There is no way they could know just how severe that would be. The man wanted her husband's life. The business, her and the children. He would in some psychotic reasoning actually take the life of the husband. He believed he would seamlessly assume that role.

I was stunned but not stunned as I was so open in my grief. We spoke for several hours. She had three boys to raise. She devoted herself to doing that. We talked about them for som,e time. Her presence was for me being with a soul that had lived and transcended so much. The sons are raised and doing well. She now spends her time at nursing homes keeping the disregarded elderly company. She takes baby oil and will massage their feet. She brings that presence, the power of touch and so much companion to those about to leave this world. Those whose minds are not so present anymore.

I have had these encounters with many since Kay's passing. ABC you mention a spiritual teacher that has meaning for you. What comes into our lives of crisis I tend to think is met for us in some way. Here is where I met Michele Wood who has been gone for some time. I was drawn to her because of how she wrote and her attending to those here. She brought a Native American snapshot of life. She is also a teacher so grief books were her way of dealing. Reading for me was at best just paragraphs at a time. The infamous grief fog. One book I ordered at random was Yoga and the Dark Night of the Soul. The soul's journey to sacred love by Siman Hass. That book is a retelling of the allegorical meaning within one of India's most sacred texts, The Bhagavad Gita.

ABC you might be amused by one of these conversations in our local park. A park Kay and I often went to that has an off-leash dog area. I thought of you. The woman I spoke with was a now-retired pediatric physician. This was a two-hour chance conversation about her kids, dogs, and her life. Her life as a doctor and her life of personal loss. That included breast cancer. Should you want an account I can tell this story. Another was a woman in her early 80's walking her standard poodle and now stoke ridden husband. Her story was about having lung cancer. Surgery was recommended and a potion of healthy lung was actually removed.

I think all of us our lives have been altered. Should we heal and get back on our feet again. I will say that is a slow process that will be gradual and ongoing. The depth of our sorrow will find meaning. KVR as you say we do give to each other here. ainie we have chatted before and how are you. This idea of women having to fill a role. There is a woman here that I continue to correspond with. She had brought up this same topic. As I mentioned the statement in the beginning, there is no coincidence. She was as she wrote was so familiar. This very Deja vu feeling of recognition became apparent. Shee had lost an adult son. I would write about Kay often. One day she asked if Kay was a Pisces. I said yes and there it was the so familiar as she was also. I had lived with one for forty years and that way of being in the world was distinguishable. The Pisces creed is, I Believe.

With our grief in common how are you all dealing with 19?

 

My grief today is again overwhelming. You have probably heard of the horrific rampage of killing in Nova Scotia. This was very close to home...2 hours from me, 20 minutes from my daughter and her family. My son-in-law was on that stretch of highway but turned back home when the police warnings came on the radio. 19 killed over a 60 mile stretch of highway.
The RCMP officer that was killed, among the 19 killed, was the daughter of my friend. I can't stop crying, again. We can't gather and feed and hug my friend, there will be no funeral, because of Covid19. Mike's death, a pandemic, and now this....how much is one supposed to take??

 

Sorry, maybe i should have started a new thread,

 

ainie,

I did hear of this. The gunman in Los Vegas, The daughter of a friend is so personal. COVID has become personal in the death of a local couple who owned a Hawaiian restaurant that Kay and I often went. A prior work friend's mother is sick form the virus.

Overwhelmed is in our vocabulary. Stunned is becoming routine. One of Kay's friends had her mother pass on Saturday. That had been expected as the mother was elderly. The 19 part is hospice was not willing to be there or the doctor. Both holding back due to concern over 19.

Be Well.

 

Dear Ainie,
That incident is so horrifying. Makes you wonder where are we headed as human beings? What happened to being kind to each other? But please hang in there. It's an uphill climb to find peace in times like these but please try to meditate or listen to something soothing. It might help. We can only do what is under our control. You will be able to better support your friend in this time if you can calm the turmoil within you. I know it's easier said than done but we gotta try. Please. Just like you help all your patients at the hospital. Don't we always hear that. That you can only give the best of care and compassion when you're able to seevthe scenario objectively. But if your emotions are running raw like when it's your own family member on the table, it's likely your decisions may not be very accurate and that's why we ask the physician/nurse to let others take care who can see the patient in clear light and do the best for them. It's the same way. You have to find some peace within you so you can be there for your friend. If you believe in a particular God or spirituality, please try listening to some moral teachings. Just let it play even though at first it would seem a chore, it would seem to slide right off you but let it play and it will find its way into your subconsciousness and bring you solace in some small way. It works for me. Please try it.
I pray you feel better soon. Hugs.

 

Thank you Paul for sharing that with me. I don't have such immense understanding of it as you do but I know few simple things and that helps. I hope they help you too.
You're stronger than you realize to have gotten through a very difficult time in your life and still standing tall. Maybe someday I might too.
Thank you Paul. May you continue to do well and feel more peaceful.

 

Ainie,
I am so very sorry! This is too much, so much pain, loss and turmoil. I can’t even express how bad I feel for you going through all this and your friend.... my heart breaks for you.
Continue to talk and share on here, we’re here for you, you have friends here to help you through.
Praying for you and all the innocent victims and families.
❤️ Robin

 

ABC,

Most of the spiritual stuff is really Kay. That was her wheelhouse. I learned some by Osmosis.

The profession you took on are brain cells I can only dream of and admire. So much to learn and amazing dedication and discipline.

Basically this was and is overwhelming. An octopus with so many arms. In medical terms a limbic in hyperdrive. The soul reference is really me valuing the good many people have extended my way. The poem comes from a fellow grief person that is a current friend. I thought expressed well the magnitude of what was lost and hopeful but slow," more peaceful", as you mention is possible. Also, a lens to view it. Namely, that which we loved so much is possible because they existed.

My best friend is a nurse. Center of an emotion cyclone for 43 years. I love my doctors but as a patient feel they are overworked. So I try to be as respectful of their time as possible. Many of them I would love to go to a sports bar have a beer and burgers and just BS.
The stress of grief made diabetes spike. My temper seems to follow. Then back in December some very strange virus hit sending my platelets to 5. This is the spiritual part. I see a specialist, Dr. Ahmed. She was a doctor that gave a second opinion to Kay about her Chemo treatments. As we are talking Ahmed mentions she remembered Kay and then states she lost both her parents to cancer. The bond and connection to her in our mutual shared experienced was impactful. I could not have had a more perfect fit for my needs at a critical time.

The doctor I met in the park. She needed to talk and I did too. I tell her the platelets are 120. She says not so bad. Good god, we covered so many topics. The park is a dog park and my wife loved dogs. It had been a Naval Air station that her dad way back in the day was stationed at. The park is named for our Senator Warren G Magnason who had diabetes and lost afoot to that. He had installed the fins of some nuclear subs as art. Turning swords into plowshares.

I struggle to clear the brain fog. Griefic has put that so well. Grief is a 24/7 job we never get time off. Again in medical terms an overactive limbic. Good luck getting that to shut up.

There are more perfect fit symmetry things that a spiritual connection of the dots seem very plausible. A perfect fit Yoga teacher that regrettably, because of 19 is offline but the key to regaining some form of my former self. A grief book is written by a person of grief and a fitness expert said go exercise. She knows endorphins don't replace the person she just also knew exercise made it tolerable. She said pin this advice on your refrigerator. Know you will be overwhelmed. It is a fact. Back off as needed and try again.

ABC, I can't even count the number of helping hands either directly or indirectly. Something read was an understanding so perfectly timed. Seeing it at the time was another issue.

My hope is we all get to where we need to be and be better souls for the effort. Take this suffering and give it meaning.