Sudden and unexpected

Just got home after a long talk with
Ginny on the bench in front of the
Country Store. She was glad to see me.
Ginny joked that we live in Mayberry,
but I pointed out 2 guys I won't talk to,
bc they crossed the line. But, it worked
out, bc they fly by me on their bikes, like
Margaret Hamilton, in the Wizard of
Oz, the bad witch! She said there was a
guy in his 60s, on a bench, down the
Neck, whose girlfriend died. He talked
to Ginny one day & said he was lonely,
and seemed to want to meet another
woman. I will ask my married friend,
John, 83. about him. John knows
everybody, and was the one who
introduced me to Ginny. Well, time for
shower & a relaxing evening. It's good to
see you & others on here today, Deb. Lou

 

Gary, that's a wonderful, touching story
about the iris, feeling like a kiss from
Cheryl. Linda had a hobby of flower
arranging, and. I would go out and buy
vases for her. I would also try to
remember to bring bouquets to her, &
not just on holidays. The women of the
garden committee in my town, plant
flowers of many colors, throughout our
town meadow, with a waterfall. The
serene scene is, as Linda called it, " a
Zen moment". Thanks for being on here
today. Lou

 

Lou,

I hope John knows the guy who just lost his girlfriend and can introduce you to him. I think it would be wonderful if you could help support him as he's just beginning this miserable journey. I think it could turn out to be good for you too, maybe the two of you could become good friends...

I agree, it's nice to see so many of us here!!

Hope you have a relaxing evening, and a good night's rest...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I totally agree with you, not only would Linda be shocked and amazed at how far you've come, but she would be so very proud and happy too. So many of us here are amazed by how far you've come. You are one of the strongest, most determined persons I know.

I'm smiling just thinking about Friday night at the Shack.... I love that you have so many interesting, all so different, wonderful friends!!!

I know this is going to be very difficult for you to believe, and as always, I can (almost) hear Bob commenting on this, but this is another super short one.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

When I walk, I always try to get in at least 8 miles. There have been days when I've been super stressed out, that I've walked 10 miles without even stopping. It's the best way I know how to relieve stress. I love that your friend made personalized tapes for you. A friend told me about the breathing technique that you just mentioned. I understand what you mean by losing concentration. I'm unable to stop memories from popping in and out of my mind. As I've said so many times before, I wish I could find an "off switch" for my brain, even if it was only for just a little while.

I love that you kept up Cheryl's flower garden and how you made it even more special with the addition of the white ceramic angel and the head of Vishnu. I don't believe in coincidences, I think that it as you said, "it was a kiss from Cheryl." I believe she is watching over you. I know she would be very proud of how hard you're trying to move forward, to create a new life for yourself. I'm sure Cheryl is smiling down on you from heaven...

It made me smile when you said you're proud of me for how I chose to honor Bob. I'm struggling so much without him, but I want more than anything else to make him proud of me. I'm so glad you decided to stick around, and are giving us the opportunity to get to "know" you.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you for your compliment about how far I've come & how strong I am. The
fact is that I need my Monday morning
therapy sessions, about how to deal with
insensitive friends, regarding my Grief
over Linda's death. I was glad when
Jimmy apologized to me a week later on
a Friday night. This weekend will be a
busy one: 1st, Friday night at Shack, 2nd,
Sat night at Shack with Steven & Betsy,
who texted me that they're excited to see
me again, & meet for dinner at Shack. A lot of people will show up to buy Lyle
birthday beers, and 3rd, a get together of
conservatives and believers in God, at
Kim's Tea Room, on Sunday night. I'm
taking at easy. having supper at home
until then. Have you finished Jonathan's
book? Lou

 

Thank you, Deb. I plan to ask John about
the sad guy. I see him driving his car, or
walking on the Neck. Ginny says he's
always alone. Some people call John the
"Mayor of Bearskin Neck" bc he knows
everybody, and they stop to talk with him.
I told him that I know almost as many
people, and should be his "Vice-Mayor".
John chuckled & said he's had enough, and
I should be Mayor! Lou

 

Deb, I read your communication with
Gary. Your walk mileage is impressive!
I have no idea how many miles I walk,
but all my short walks add up, and my
feet are tired at the end of the day. The
walking, colder temps at night,and
darkness earlier, has made me sleep
more. That's a good thing, and a way to
prevent colds. I always chuckle when you
allude to Bob making a joke about your
talkativeness! I love your long posts,
however! I sometimes think it's easier
to write than talk. I apologized to Ginny
today bc I felt I monopolized the
conversation, but she was nice enough to
say that she contributed as well! Lou

 

Lou,

I think it's a good idea for you to take it easy until Friday.! I'm smiling over your soon to be weekend plans. Backing up just a bit, those Monday morning therapy sessions in no way make you less strong. I think it takes a very strong person to admit to needing help, and then to actively go out and seek it, and commit to it.

I only have about 50 pages left to go. The days leading up to today, the sixth month anniversary of Bob's death, and today, when it finally arrived, have been difficult for me in so many ways. As I think I mentioned to Karen, maybe to someone else too, I felt like the sixth month anniversary of Bob's death was like some kind of miserable milestone, and that without realizing it, I had been attempting to rush the grieving process. I was frustrated because I thought I should be able to make so many more decisions by now, than I'm actually capable of making. I know I need to be gentle with myself for being so indecisive. Grieving is hard work, total understatement!!!

I can't commit to anything, not even to doing volunteer work, although this is one area I feel I need to push myself. I think I will feel much better knowing that I'm making a positive difference, no matter how small it is, in my community. I mentioned this to my friend who lives near me, and she told me that it's okay for me not to be doing much of anything yet. She reminded me of the fact that she still isn't able to commit to much. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel guilty when I feel like I'm not doing something productive. I know rationally that making progress along this very slow miserable journey is being productive, but although I know this, I'm having trouble accepting it.

Also, that seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions can be triggered by anything, anytime, anywhere, without warning. I've always been very good at hiding my feelings in public places. Prior to Bob's death, no matter what was happening in my life, as my close friends would tell you, I was the best actress imaginable. Now, when those triggers hit, they hit hard. I can't stop the tears no matter where I am. This is another reason why I haven't been able to commit to volunteer positions. I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. As it's happening lately, the words just seem to be typing themselves. Once I get going, like that Energizer Bunny, I just can't seem to stop.

I find myself at the sixth month milestone of Bob's death, questioning everything in life, missing Bob more, the more time that goes by, and at the same time hating the feeling of spending the rest of my life alone, and lonely. Although I'm no where near ready for another relationship, the thought of not having someone special to share the rest of my life with makes me feel so sad... At the same time, I can't even begin to imagine it. The only thing I know for certain, is that I never want to get married again. Although I'm not legally married to Bob anymore, I still feel married to him, and probably always will. When Bob first died, I found myself needing to keep busy, doing anything I possibly could, to escape from being in my house. Fast forward to the present, although I still have to keep the doors to the guest bathroom and guest bedroom closed, I find myself needing more time alone, needing to be in my house alone. I'm such an emotional train wreck, total understatement!!!

I wish I was able to concentrate on one thing at at a time, but my mind won't let me. I've been talking to Bob the entire day/night. I wish he would send me another sign that he is watching over me. I need/want him so much... Stopping here, I think if I read this before sending it, I'll probably delete it. However, I feel safe "talking" to you, everyone here, and just letting my feelings flow. It's even okay if no one "gets" how I'm feeling. I just need to get my feelings out and writing has always been an outlet for me. If you've made it this far, thanks for "listening."

Backing way up, "The Widower's Notebook" is an excellent book!!! I just need to find that "off switch" for a little while, so I can finish it.

I think I just wrote you another one of my books!! Stopping here!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I bet you're doing way more miles than you think you are, they add up quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if you are walking more than eight miles a day. Phones aren't always the most accurate way of tracking mileage, but you can set up your phone, to track your walking distance. I've heard that the faster you walk, the more accurate the mileage is, but I don't know if this is true or not.

As much as Bob liked to tease me about how much I can talk, I know it didn't really bother him. I was always able to make him laugh the same way he could always make me laugh. I miss his great sense of humor. He could get me to laugh so hard, that tears would be streaming down my face. One time, he said something so funny, but the timing was way off, I had just taken a big sip of water (luckily it was only water and it was only Bob and I at the table alone at home)... I'm sure you can figure out where this is going without a graphic description.

Backing up a bit, I always loved to write until Bob died. Since then I feel like all the creative energy has been zapped right out of me. When I was in the sixth grade, we had to write a poem for one of our homework assignments. I wrote one about a snowy winter day. The day I passed it in, my mother got a very nasty call from my teacher, telling her that I was the one, not my mother, who should be doing the assignments. My mother had to convince her that she was totally unaware that I had written this poem. The teacher finally apologized. When I brought the poem home to show it to my parents, my mother saved it. She had it for years, but I think it was probably tossed when my parents got older and had to move out of their home. Even though I normally love to write, I think it's easier to express myself verbally. However, I can be quiet at times, and I've been told I'm a really good listener too. But, whenever I was too quiet, Bob would always do something to get me going again. He loved to make me laugh.

I'm so glad you got to spend some time with Ginny today. She is definitely someone I wish I could get to know and become friendly with.

Backing up a bit, I'm glad you like my long messages, because a while ago I just sent you one of my books. However, this one probably doesn't make much sense. It seemed to write itself. I didn't bother to read it before I sent it, so it might not make any sense at all. I've been such an emotional wreck lately.

Sleep well... You need to be well rested in time for your busy weekend!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, this is Karen. It will be one year since Jack died Nov 4th. I used to count the mile stones each month of his death. For some reason I stopped it after 6 months; I just did and I don't know why. Time and grieving does move us, I don't know why, but it does.
I'm still grieving, big time, and more than I thought. I'm with all of you in this hell journey, K
PS.
I have to say to everyone I'm not a wordy person as Lou knows, but I'm with all of you on this post and I read everyone's posts and it gives me hope. Good night or good morning to you are mid - east coast friends.

 

Deb, I have been hitting the sack early
bc of the change of season, darker &
cooler early in the evening. Woke up in
middle of night & answered a post from
Karen from FRIDAY (!). I couldn't believe
I missed it. You can see my blunder in my
reply to her, & get a good laugh. Karen
has been enjoying our "novels "every day
and finally wrote one herself! I have to go
back to sleep now, Deb, so I'll make this
brief. I loved your "spitake" laugh story.
That was a classic in the movies. I loved it
when Oliver Hardy and W.C. Fields did it,
and the characters in many sitcoms that
followed. Your poem story was moving.
I can just picture you as that earnest
young girl. I believe that one's personality
is determined early on. For example, I was
drpressed, & had to stay home from
school. when my grandmother died of
cancer, at 68. Years later, when Linda & I
had to see her oncologist, in her office, I
was crying. Linda told her about my
grandmother, and how afraid I was that
it would happen to her. Sadly, it did, and
Linda died at 68, too. Hope we talk about
more upbeat topics tomorrow. Lou

 

Just saw your "shortest message ever"
about your love of the blues. It's after
2am on Wed, 12 hours after you wrote it!
If you tell me more things we have in
common, you may have to blush again,
when I tell you that you're becoming my
"soulmate"! I better stop now, Deb. Lou

 

Karen, before I go back to sleep, want to
say that my dream is that you, Deb, and I
could have a group hug. Hope you have a
good sleep, Karen. Lou

 

I enjoyed the poem story too Deb. Lou you have a wealth of experiences that benefit hundreds of us. thank you so much for sharing. I Just ordered widowers notebook and permission to mourn on amazon. Am I perceiving the site correctly? Are we the only ones interacting with each other here? Do new interactions come to the top of the page on loss of spouse? ‍Gary☯️

 

Gary, that's wonderful that you're joining
Deb, George, Karen, & others here, in reading these 2 books. I can't wait to hear
your input, especially with Jonathan's
The Widower's Notebook. His story was so
parallel to mine, that I emailed. him to
thank him for his book & tell him that he
was like a brother I never had. He amazed
me by emailing back with a warm, and
very personal "letter". As I told Deb and
George, if you decide to write to
Jonathan, after you finish his book, his
email address is: jonathansantlofer@
gmail.com.As far as our correspondence
here, I follow the "threads" and the new
"alerts" as well as looking back at older
"alerts" of the past few days, to make sure
I answered everybody. I'm "talking" with
about 10 people (!) right now. Lou

 

You just went through the gauntlet yesterday Deb. I know I would be drained. Did you read the article Friday from grief in comment about perfectionist and people pleasers? I fit into both those categories trying to be helpful and as good as I can. The article affirms the fact that we can never fill these roles while dealing with grief. We’ve got enough on our plate taking care of ourselves so how could we possibly be there for others? My volunteer work is six hours a month and you’re on this site hourly helping and encouraging everybody all day long. I tried forwarding a meditation from the radical acceptance book I hope it goes through. I’ll be off the air a while. P&H ☮️Gary

 

Karen,

As always, thank you so much for reaching out to me. You're only slightly ahead in this way beyond miserable journey, and I value your thoughts as we continue to struggle, always trying hard to keep moving forward. It helps me to know that you looked at the sixth month anniversary of Jack's death, as some sort of milestone too, that I'm not alone in how I've been feeling. I never anticipated feeling worse, but after "listening" to you, maybe this is typical for many of us. I wish I had some answers. All I know is that we can't rush the grieving process. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, but it's hard, with way too many thoughts and memories constantly popping in and out of my mind. Where is that "off switch???"

I've been thinking that maybe I'm only now just past all the shock, and am finally facing the cold, hard reality that Bob is never coming back. It's not that I didn't know this rationally from day one, it's just that as I'm missing him more and more with each passing day, it becomes more clear that this is permanent. He is gone. I'm not sure if this is making any sense, so stopping here.

It's okay that you're not a wordy person. I'm just glad that you're here, with all of us, and that everyone's posts are giving you hope... Somehow, we can and will get the darkest time in all of our lives together!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB