Sudden and unexpected

Thanks so much deb! You are so right about needing to be kind to myself today. And I know the weather is part of this. It is so hard to look at one's feelings objectively. That's another reason this is a great site! Take care! G

 

George, I agree with you. Thank God for
our group. I just got off the phone with
Bob, my Mon am therapist. Usually we
talk about my relationships with the
locals & with strangers, and my tendency
to be oversensitive. But, this mornimg,
I told him about "Mr. Grief" (Karen's
idea), " The Grief Warriors" ( my idea),
and my typo, when I was trying to say,
"laugh my ass off", and it came out as
laugh my "sad" off. Gary ran with the
ball, & we all say it, with its' abbreviation,
LMSO. If you read my reply to Deb this
am, you will see how Mr. Grief punched
me in the face & stomach last night and
again this am. I told Bob that today's
therapy came just in time, & I thanked
him for lifting my spirits. Lou

 

Duh!- Laff My Sad Off , I so get it! I remember that great typo too. I feel so dull'd today. Mr. Grief is a lurkin' in my subConscious I know. Outwardly I just feel so blah. Mr. Grief sure is a punchy sort... guess he's busy punchin' someOne always! I think all my contact with TGW is helping me. This House stuff is such a weight on me!

 

George have you ever gone to the aarp.com site? I think they’re free. The reason I’m not sure is because I’m an AARP member. They have staying sharp games. There’s almost 30 different games from math to wordsmith to split words just pretty stimulating stuff for the mind. Lou thanks for including me in the team effort of being part of the founding members of LMSO. Gary

 

Hello All,

I have been interacting with a few here (Deb, Karen, Robin, Gary, SusanMc8...) and it was suggested to me to come to this thread and read. So glad I did. You are all wonderful and my heart hurts for your loss and intense pain.

It is definitely therapeutic to read that so many others know exactly what I am going through and understand the depth of loss and continued pain. Though I am sincerely sorry that you all are going through this, it is a comfort to know I'm not alone.

As some know, my grief journey just started a little over a month ago. And I'm not doing well. Or I am doing as expected, at this point, perhaps. I don't know. I'm miserable.

I miss my husband (not yet ready to share his name) constantly and I feel like I have died with him. Though God graciously blessed us a truly wonderful family that has been amazing and loving and supportive through it all, I don't want to be here. I want to be with my husband.
I'm not going to harm myself. I just don't have any desire to live here, without him.

I'm in the process of designing our headstone (I purchased a double depth plot, so the headstone is for both of us and has to be done at the same time - everything but my end year) and so wish I could go ahead and have them finish it, with 2021 as both our end dates. Because that is what has happened. I died with him, my body is just still here and unfortunately, my broken heart is still beating.

So I spend half of my time in tears, begging for him to come back to me. However, I, unlike some of your experiences (from what I've read) am already able to smile and laugh at happy and funny things. I do thank God for that. I tend to laugh at myself first, but can find the humor in almost (almost) every situation...at some point. I guess that's good? It's how I've always been though, and I guess this hasn't changed that in me, yet. Hopefully this tragedy won't kill my sense of humor.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and that I'm apparently stalking you all, because I have been reading the posts here and staying quiet. Which makes me feel like a creepy peeping tom. You're welcome!

I'm currently praying for Robin and her precious Teddy. I hope it all went well this morning! And for Deb who is nearing her anniversary. Hang in there, sweet ladies! ♥♥

All good things to each one of you precious people! ♥

Marcey

 

I could check it out for sure... LMSO is so funny!

 

Sorry you're stuck in the house, George
Will there be a break in the rain, so you
can take a brief walk around the corner
( with umbrella, or jacket with hood) ?
Thanks to you & Gary, I reread the
chapter in Jonathan's book, Unmooring.
Almost every sentence captured how I've
felt in this journey ( I hate the overused
word, "process", which I first heard from
the Funeral Director after Linda died). He
talks about the exhaustion we all feel with
grief. He said he often felt as if he were
"trudging through half-set cement". Lou

 

Gary, I think I'm pretty good at suggesting
books and making up phrases, either by
design or accident. But, I think Deb brings
a grief therapist's compassion, and you
seem to summarize all of our contributions, and are the "glue" which
helps to hold The Grief Warriors (TGW)
together. Thank you. Lou

 

Marcy glad you jumped on this thread. There are several wise old owls here that have been on the grief journey for years. I know what you’re talking about. In the initial stages of the death of someone we dearly love we go into a deep fog. I couldn’t make up my mind about simple things. I remember right after Cheryl died I was in the woods and I had to dig a big hole. I stood back and I looked at the hole and I thought you know I’ve always wanted to go back to mother earth. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could get in that hole and cover myself up and just go away. One of the wise owls suggested I buy the book permission to mourn and a widower’s notebook which I did on Amazon. In permission to mourn the author considers taking his wife’s life and his own because death seems like the only solution. But he hears a powerful voice that says but you could choose to live. In the past couple of days Mr. grief has knocked all of us on our butts. we’ve been Compassionate and supportive of each other and offer each other hope. We don’t feel unmoored all by ourselves and alone. One of our wise owls has had billions of experiences with loss struggle and recovery that we all can relate to. I’m glad your here Marcey. Gary

 

Thank you Gary!

I was feeling badly for not mentioning you, since I totally hijacked your (original) post/thread. I am very rusty on social media etiquette since I left all social media several years ago. So, thank you again, for not calling me rude and instead were welcoming and compassionate. ♥

I have plans to buy the books that you have already mentioned to me. I'll first see if they're available on Audible, because I'm currently feeling just that lazy. Sad. However, I do tend to listen to books to help lull me to sleep. I have to rewind a lot but that's okay. Anyway...I'll get the books in one form or another, soon.

Reading the posts has (have?) already helped me quite a bit. At least I don't feel so alone. And I appreciate the different approaches and helpful advice, not to mention the kindness and understanding. Sweet people here. Thank God. ♥

I completely understand where your mind was, but I'm glad you didn't climb in the hole.

Marcey

 

Thank you, Gary, for giving me credit for
the 2 books, when you sent a welcoming
message to Marcey. I'm in the "autumn
of my years". With that, but more
importantly, the gauntlet of grief we are
all suffering, is turning me into a "wise
old", but sometimes sad & lonely owl. Lou

 

Lou,

Thank you for your very kind words. When I read TGW stories, I feel so sad that so many of us are suffering from this total heartbreak, the kind of heartbreak I wouldn't wish upon my very worst enemy. I am grateful each and every day for the friends I have here, for knowing that no matter how bad I'm feeling, TGW "get it." On the GIC site, there are always others to "talk" to, who never judge me for how I'm feeling, who don't gloss over all this pain, who don't think I should be feeling any better than I am right now, who understand what I mean when I say that I feel like I'm on a never ending emotional roller coaster ride, of way too many downs, and not enough ups, etc., etc., etc. ... I only have one friend who isn't part of TGW, who truly "gets it." While my friends want to help me, they don't understand what this total heartbreak is really like, and so it isn't always helpful talking to them. I'm getting so much more out of being a part of TGW than I got from my in person support group, TU!!! I think I get more out of being part of TGW, than I give back to others, but it makes me feel good to know that you think I'm helping others more than I think I am. Thanks for the smiles...

I totally agree with what you said about Gary, being the "glue which helps to hold TGW together. Gary has a wonderful way of being able to express himself in writing, and his messages always make me think about something either in a new way, or just a bit deeper than I had thought about it before.

However, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit, TU!!! From the very beginning, you always made it a point to mention more than one GW in your messages, bringing us together in a way that I don't think would have happened otherwise. (I hope this makes sense, but not sure it does.) You got TGW to refer to our lost loved ones by their first names, helping to make this a much more personal place. You also got us to "talk" about other things besides our grief, getting us to not only laugh, but to take our minds off of all this intense pain for a little while.

Also, I know that myself, and all of TGW who haven't been suffering through this as long as you and Robin have, read your stories and find hope, hope that we can rebuild our shattered lives, and find some happiness again too. However, it makes me so sad knowing that from now on, all of life will be so bittersweet. But now I'm starting to get off topic. Stopping here for now...

I was glad to hear that you felt better after talking to Bob earlier today. I hope you're continuing to have a good day, one with many more LMSO, than tears...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

As members of TGW we all have vital and unique contributions. For TGW suffering is like a badge of courage we are bound to one another Like blood Brothers and Sisters. Marcey I got a LMSO after reading that you were glad I didn’t Jump into the hole. I feel a little discomfort that everyone jumped on my thread because I’ve only been a member of TGW for two weeks. George I hope you were able to get on that aarp.org site. I forgot to tell you that you have to set up an account which is free. Lou have you ever tried any of the dating sites like match.com or plenty of fish? That’s where I met Cheryl. In all due respect It’s like shopping for a car. you want to see what the market has to offer. I don’t think I’m capable of a romantic relationship. I would like to partner up with somebody where we took care of each other‘s health and coexisted but yet respected each other‘s love for their spouse. And to honor the lost beloved was the most important freedom in the relationship. Well I’m starting to ramble. I’ll be gone for a while. Gary

 

Thanks, Gary, about asking if I've tried
dating sites. I'm not against them, and
tried a few before I met Linda. But, as I
told Deb, my preference, if it happens,
might be to meet a woman who is
visiting here from the Greater Boston
area, loves the ocean, & would like to
come up here from time to time. There's
more of a chance for me to meet a
"daytripper", or a woman who's staying
overnight in one of the many inns, than
to be with a woman from my small town,
which shrinks in population, during the
non summer months. I like the quiet of
my apartment, and the freedom to come
& go. Ideally, a woman would have her
own place, & we could get together for
walks along the ocean, cook meals at each
other's apartments, go out to dinner, and
even to our local movie theater. I went
recently, by myself, for the first time in
years. Linda & I had given up on the
noisy, inconsiderate people in the
multiplex chains at the mall. This theater
attracts an older , quieter crowd.I had a
good time seeing a movie from 1968, that
I had seen way back in college. Talk
later! Lou
"Marcey, post: 21256, member: 26612"]Thank you Gary!

I was feeling badly for not mentioning you, since I totally hijacked your (original) post/thread. I am very rusty on social media etiquette since I left all social media several years ago. So, thank you again, for not calling me rude and instead were welcoming and compassionate. ♥

I have plans to buy the books that you have already mentioned to me. I'll first see if they're available on Audible, because I'm currently feeling just that lazy. Sad. However, I do tend to listen to books to help lull me to sleep. I have to rewind a lot but that's okay. Anyway...I'll get the books in one form or another, soon.

Reading the posts has (have?) already helped me quite a bit. At least I don't feel so alone. And I appreciate the different approaches and helpful advice, not to mention the kindness and understanding. Sweet people here. Thank God. ♥

I completely understand where your mind was, but I'm glad you didn't climb in the hole.

Marcey[/QUOTE]

 

Lou,

I just noticed that you quoted what I think was my last response to you earlier today. I'm not sure if you hit something by accident, or if you sent me another message. If you quoted me by accident, no worries!!! However, if you responded to me, I can't find your most recent message to me. Then again, I'm so technically challenged, TU!!!, that I might have hit something and lost it.

On to other things, I read one of your reponse to Marcey, and have to tell you that Bob and I loved!!! the Sopranos, TU!!! James Gandolfini was another great actor, one who was taken away from us too soon. Bob and I loved gangster movies. I think because we were "talking" about Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino the other day, I'm thinking about "The Irishman." I usually don't like watching movies more than once, but I watched "The Irishman," and "Bonnie and Clyde," more than a couple of times, because Bob never grew tired of watching repeats.

The best made plans don't always work out. I didn't end up being a couch potato for the entire afternoon, curled up with my copy of "The Widower's Notebook." I don't really feel comfortable going into details in such a public setting, but before Bob became really sick, he started working on something he was determined to see through to the end. I promised him that although I hoped it wouldn't be necessary, I would finish what he had started. When I thought about this today, it made me so sad... So many memories, many of them sad ones, flooded my mind... However, I know I need to be strong enough to get this done. I can and will do this for Bob!!! I know I need to do this in order to keep moving forward, to heal as best as I possibly can.

As always, today's Center for Loss quote is so appropriate. I love it so much that I'm going to repeat part of it here for anyone who hasn't read it: "Mourning is grief in motion. It's the motion that prevents the wet concrete of our grief from hardening us into place." It goes on to talk about how we have to mourn, but at the same time, believe that our futures will be bright. It says that the combination of these two things, mourning and an optimistic point of view, are the things that are keeping us moving forward, keeping us alive, and preventing us from getting stuck in that concrete. Backing up just a bit, if I don't finish what Bob started, I could easily get stuck in "the wet concrete of grief." I am going to do everything I possibly can to avoid this, TU!!! I want Bob to be proud of me. I want this more than anything else in the entire world.

I'm totally toasted, so stopping here. Thanks for "listening."

Hope your evening was (mostly) a good one... Sleep well...

Be back tomorrow...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Okay, I feel stupid...but LMSO? And TU? I don't know what those mean.

 

Marcey,

LMSO stands for laughing my sad off. Lou, typed this by accident when he meant to say LMAO. All of us loved this, and Gary turned Lou's GIC "original into a regular thing. TU is my abbreviation for total understatement. This is something I've been saying for years. It's become a habit, I can't seem to stop saying it.

Stopping here. Totally fried...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

LMSO means Laughing My Socks Off and TU is Total Understatement which Deb started using. I didn't know what LMSO was, I think Gary started it.

Anyway, welcome to Grief Warriors and believe me we need to be warriors to beat Mr. Grief or at least tame him down when the attacks get too much to bare, if that's even possible.

What a storm we've had, I hope where you are you didn't have any flooding. I'm higher up, so no flooding just keeping an eye out on fallen trees.

Saying goodnight, blessings, Karen

 

Deb, before I REALLY GO TO BED, I will
briefly say I'm glad you're rereading
Jonathan's book. As I told Gary & George
I just reread the Unmoored chapter. I
also loved Center for Loss quote. Sleep
well. Talk tomorrow. Lou

 

Deb I love how you are moving forward by finishing Bob’s project. Also I Love the quote about the wet cement after hearing Lou read the chapter unmoored again and they are so similar. Lou glad to hear you made it to the theater. Cheryl and I stopped going after the American sniper because of all the electronics flashing. Lou I can’t see you being lonely for very long. You are very kind considerate intelligent Active and cultured man with an abundance of people skills. Tonight was the first night I cried in a meeting and felt good. It was good to express exactly how I felt inside. Here’s a weird thought in the widowers notebook When Jonathan thought he was making a connection with Joy (deceased wife) buy a fragment of information he tried so desperately to decode Is exactly what I felt today. Cheryl and I were dividing property and I’m not sure if she was leaving me. all I can remember is I gave her an extra thousand dollars. No luck decoding that one. The first dream I had within a couple days after Cheryl passed was that she was leaving me and getting her own place. when I finally called Cheryl back and asked her to please come home I woke up. We never had any Disagreements like that ever. My interpretation of this is the Darkside (negative energy) is trying to confuse me. We are its prey when we are down. I see nothing positive in these dreams so I have to dismiss them. though I cannot stop thinking about them from time to time. This sounds kind of weird and it’s bedtime. Good night TGW. Gary