Sudden and unexpected

Deb, our messages crossed again. I was
just about to go to bed, and I whined to
you that I hadn't heard from you since
this am. My anxiety creeps across my
mind from time to time. I loved your
butterfly story about Bob, but, as usual,
whenever you say you cried & needed
tissues, I do the same. I'm proud of you
for being strong & going past the
Halloween displays especially. When
I used to agonize about an upcoming
anniversary, or holiday, the older
widows in the widowed persons group,
would point out that it was only ONE
day. I try to keep that in mind. Keep me
posted on the margaritas. Hope a designated driver will take you home! Lou

 

Lou,

I was just about to put away my chrome book for the night when I saw your message. Your timing is perfect!!! I haven't seen this movie, but it sounds like one I would enjoy. I think I'll have to see if Netflix has it.

I think we're alike in so many ways. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again, but like you, although I'm no where near ready yet, I can't even begin to imagine spending the rest of my life alone. In life, the only thing that really matters are the connections and relationships we have with others. Everything else is just frosting on the cake. I know I've said this before. I think about it often. I was talking to my best friend from "home" about this the other day. It would be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with, share great conversation, take long walks in beautiful places, day trips to nowhere, etc, etc., etc. I feel guilty whenever I think about this. I also have trouble imagining cuddling with anyone but Bob, but I want to be happy again. We are social creatures, we aren't meant to be alone. I want to make sure that I'm a whole person again before considering the possibility of anyone else in my life. It wouldn't be fair to myself or to anyone else either.

When I'm walking, I sometimes I feel like an outsider looking in on life. I'm happy for the couples holding hands, or the ones with their arms wrapped around each other, but at the same time, it makes me feel sad... It makes me miss Bob so much....

It's taking me forever to type this. More computer issues, but I'm not in the mood to deal with my internet provider. Hoping I don't have to make a call tomorrow!!!

If a day goes by when you don't hear from me, know that I'm still thinking about you, hoping you have many more reasons to laugh than cry... But, and this is one of those BIG BUTS!!!, there is no way I can stay away from my GIC friends for too long!!! And, you know how much I like to "talk," TU!!!

I still have things I want to say, but I can't even begin to imagine how long it's taken me to type this. Stopping here (for now).

Goodnight. Sleep well...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good Sunday am, Deb! Woke up in
middle of the night & was happy to see
that you replied after I went to sleep.
Unlike in the past, I was able to go back
to sleep peacefully, knowing that I
could read your reply, and answer it,
over coffee, in the morning! When you
see the movie, you'll see that I identify
with Len Cariou's character. But, the one
who made us laugh, was his new friend,
played by Joe Bologna. Brenda Vacarro
was perfect, in her anger. I loved it when
you said that "we're alike in so many ways" , especially in our mixed feelings
of being involved with someone else of
the opposite sex. My role model is Ginny.
After Steven, Betsy, & I ran into her
at Brothers Brew, S&B continued on their
walk & I sat at a small table across from
Ginny, who told me things she never
told me before. She married young, at 20,
& had 2 sons. Her husband walked out on
her, leaving her to take care of the young
children. Today, the oldest son, is married
with children, & lives in town. He's a year
older than I am. Her other son, who
lived in another state, died a few years
ago. Later in life, Ginny worked in Boston,
and met a man on the train. She found
out that he had fought on the beaches
of Normandy during D-Day. I asked her
how he was after that. Ginny said he was
OK, but when anyone asked him what it
was like that horrific day, his eyes
would fill up & he would shake. Ginny
married this man, when she was 70.
After he died, she met a man at a church
supper. They went out together, but
never married. When he became ill,
Ginny took care of him, until he died. She
decided to buy a cat, so that her apartment
wouldn't be empty when she came home,
and she wouldn't feel so alone. When her
cat died, she chose not to get another one.But, she walks around town & to the
Neck, both day and evening, and loves to
talk with people, and have a hearty
laugh. I told her about an unpleasant
incident on the Neck. Gary laughed at
my story. An art gallery owner & high
maintenance older woman in her 70s, wasunwelcoming & rude to Steven &
Betsy when I was introducing them to
my friends on the Neck. She turned on me
like a rattlesnake, and hissed, "Well, SOME
of us have to WORK!". She has said this
to me & my other retired friends before, &
we brushed it off. But this time she was
rude, was not joking , and embarrassed me
in front of my friends. I fought back, and
told her, " I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ANY
OF YOUR CRAP!". (Gary loved this story!).
At that, she abruptly flew on her
broomstick back into her gallery. Without
skipping a beat, Ginny pointed out that
her holiday, Halloween, was coming up,
and we both roared. Ginny told me that
even at her age of 97 (!), she would like a
man with whom to "cuddle". When I saw
Roger ( who is 4 years younger than
Ginny), I missed him that I could " fix
them up". He just said that Ginny was a
nice woman, & left it at that. Ginny had
told me that Roger was a good man, and
that his longtime wife, Nancy, was a kind
woman. I am so happy that Roger still
drives & sits with friends at Brothers
Brew every morning, except Sat, the
day of coffee & donuts ( from Brothers
Brew!). Ginny is happy to dine out .
One time when I was having dinner at
the Shack bar, Ginny was coming out of
the dining room & we greeted each other
warmly.The staff at the restaurant treat
Ginny like royalty. I'll stop my "book" for
now. I plan a repeat of yesterday: Two
Little Birds Eatery, then walk down to
Neck. One funny note: I told Steven &
Betsy that in a week, the tempermental
gallery owner would forget our unpleasant encounter. I was right, she
joked with me yesterday when I sat
with her friend ( & mine) on a bench,
with Guppa! I texted S&B about this
last night, & I'm sure they'll answer today.
Correction: another Lou typo ( for Karen's
enjoyment): I kidded Roger, not "missed"
him. Well, at least it wasn't "thongs", Deb!
Lou

 

Lou’s encounter with the Temperamental gallery owner Is what spawned the LMSO movement. I did have another great LMSO hearing it again. Deb I loved your butterfly story. it continued for a long period of time. I especially loved how it changed you in a positive way. What happened to you then and me yesterday was a miracle. Zuba quoted someone’s definition of a miracle as a realignment of perception. Our realignment of perception caused us to have a spiritual experience. It opened our eyes and let us see more clearly what we couldn’t see before. We chose love over fear. I’ve got to get back to my normal morning ritual To keep myself in sync. Peace. Gary

 

Thanks for being there Lou and all yee Grief warriors! I don't know what is wrong with me (well I do my wife died duh!) But I mean itz like a new phase here. I don't feel as sad but more blank in a way. I am having trouble writing (me who filled up 3 college ruled notebooks in 8 months with grief filled ravings!) I get that. Totally unmoored. Having to make all these decisions and bei8ng so alone in them! This house stuff is really not fun... No Valerie there to support or encourage me and tell me I'm doing the right thing. I feel so untethered! Hope to stay on line today a bit. It is a battle here between me and TB for the internet cable. No wiFi on this computer! LOL

 

Good Sunday morning, Gary. Thank you,
once again, for giving me credit for
"spawning a movement", but we really
have become a team of The Grief Warriors.
It's only 40s,temps, right now, so I'm in
no hurry to walk outside just yet. I just
welcomed a new member, Denise.

Great to see you on here this Sun.am,
George. You have a great self deprecatory
sense of humor, when you use the word,
"DUH!". Don't worry about misspellings
& grammar. Just let the emotions flow
here like you did with your notebooks.
After all, I'm the king of typos, much to
the amusement of Karen, Deb, and Gary!
Lou

 

Hi George, I had to do what all you mentioned in moving,
It definitely is a lot to deal with, it was my first move to make
alone in our 61 years married. Had to do it all by myself, as I
look back now , I feel in many ways Jack was guiding me in my
decisions, as I feel he is today.
I hope your computer problems get solved.It is great to see
your back with us all.
Blessings, Patti

 

Hi Patti! So glad to hear from you! I am so 'out-of-it' in a way. I want to do stuff but I don't know what. I guess that's the grief journey. It is different every single day, hour, minute, second... Unmoored is a good word that Lou mentioned!

 

Yousee I don't even touch-type. I peck and hunt at a blinding speed and get into this fast stream of consciousness flow. And of course my fat fingers love to smash the wrong keys. I am very unMoored! Thatz a great word to describe it. My hands are cold... itzs autumn! The problem with my notebooks! Can't read my own writing! LOL

 

Thanks, George. I can't take credit for
"unmoored". It's Jonathan's word, He's
a great writer and inspiration. Lou

 

Good Morning to TGW,

I hate this seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions, TU!!! I was feeling so much better yesterday, but woke up this morning crying again, back at the bottom of this miserable ride. I need to get a walk in, and my internet is still way too s l o w !!!, so keeping this short.

Lou, I was happy to see your message this morning and will be back later on to "talk." Gary, I love the wonderful way you have of putting your thoughts into words. It makes me smile, in spite of how sad I'm feeling now, when I think how you and I were both able to choose love over fear yesterday. George, I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Like you, I'm having trouble putting my thoughts into words this morning. Sending extra hugs your way...

Stopping here, I need that walk, TU!!!

I hope everyone has at least one, but hoping more than one reason to LMSO today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti, you are an inspiration for all The
Grief Warriors here, bc you were
married to Jack longer than any of us
were married. You & Karen were 2 of the
first people to welcome me. I was glad we
shed our user names, which put us in a
box. Using our real first names is so
much more personal & intimate. I'm also
glad I pestered (!) Deb & others to say the
names of their spouses, too. I agree with
you that Linda was with me when I moved
into my apartment after she died, just
like Jack was with you when you moved.
Do you generally like where you live,
Patti? I remember that you weren't too
crazy about having to drive to a spot
where you could walk. But, I'm so glad
that you get to walk, in any case. Lou

 

He sure is I finished his book!

 

That's wonderful, George! Now you can
join Deb, Gary, and me, in talking about it!
Gary has been so good at quoting Zuba,
but now, I would love to hear his take on
Jonathan. Karen just ordered the book.
I know Patti has been having trouble
with her vision, but perhaps she could
get an audio version. Have a good one.
I'm about to walk, like Deb said she
would. Hope you can get outside, too.
You seem to feel better afterward. Lou

 

Hi George, I understand, I find it's easier for me
to take on only one task at a time, otherwise I don't
seem to get anything accomplished, I just got back
from a walk. Will make myself get out this afternoon
as need to do a take back to target. Got couple battery
lights for the pantry, one was great ,the other was not
as bright ,even though it was suppose to be 30 Lumens
brighter.
I really feel you are getting tremendous amount of things
accomplished with all you've had to do. Please be sure
to take care of yourself. I try to eat nutritionally, eat
out on my porch most of the time, or eat out at a
restaurant. This grief journey at times feels like a slow
process, but we will get through it, even though at times
I don't realize my progress.
Praying you have a good day, Blessings. Patti

 

We shall see about outside today! We are supposed to have heavy rain and I dread it. I am so anxious about big rain... feeling rather hopeless now. Don't want to be... peace!

 

He Deb and TGW's I sure am not doing good. I should say I am that way itz positive. Cloudy and rain here! Dread the rain... freaked out about house stuff. Hands are cold. Don't know what to do. Too much rain for walk! Don't wanto go out. So uninterested in stuff. I feel bad that I seem so complainy! Sorry. The good thing I finished a book; Great Expectations by Dickins a real classic of Literature indeed. Reading something at dialysis yesterday called "Master and Margarita" Itz Russian from the 30s and very surreal and Halloweenishly creepy. That does feel like an accomplishment! So I feel real weird. More into reading, struggling with writing, not feeling creative but want to be... uugh! I just don't know... Yes I do. ITZ called grief! Grieving.. grief-Hell anxiety fear the unknown Xcitement hot and cold everything all at once feeling!!!!

I'm a total DA ... LMSO = ??? duh!

 

Oh that is so sweet and kind!!! Today would be a great time for a walk I think get out of here... but the evil rain. Uuuugh! And it freaks me out selling the house and all, don't need more troubles with house. I thank you for helping me remember about taking things one task at a time! And I appreciate hearing that I've done a lot of stuff. After a few better/almost good daze now I am miring myself in the negative quicksand of doubt and what ifs! Want to do something yet don't know what I want to do. Like everything and yet nothing. Itz true I need to eat better... just not super hungry really. Self care is so hard for me! I'm used to Valerie helping! Onbe step forward and then 2 steps back sometimes I guess... take care. and do something fun!

 

George, as far as I'm concerned, you're
one tough son of a bitch, as tough as any
veteran I've met at the American Legion
open house coffee. Even though I'm not a
veteran, these tough, funny guys welcomed me, when I told them I suffered
from PTSD after my wife's death. just like
some of them did, coming home after
different wars. My closest friends are
Roger, Korean War vet, 93. whose wife of
67 years, died recently, and N., 34, who
had PTSD after Afganistan. Maybe that's
where I came up with The Grief Warriors.
Maybe, if it's not too windy, or pouring,
you could take a walk with a warm jacket
( & hood, if you have it), and an umbrella.
Keep me posted, brother. Lou

 

Hi George, I think many folks in our situation have been
through the " doubts and what ifs" I still find myself going
through it at tomes George, then my pendulum mood swings
back to place me back to feeling more positive.
Jack and I use to call our negative thinking " Stinkin Thinkin"
so every once in awhile, tell myself, I have take my heal and
give myself a quick kick in the b _ _ _ ( that's an expression
I use to get myself into a positive mode. )
We will get through this grief, WE ALL WILL !
Since I'm having a problem with reading (temporarily ,I pray )
Unable use my sewing machine, I've taken on project of getting
knitting yarn to make winter scarfs for the homeless, I don't
need to watch as I knit on the scarfs , use to make all Jack's
sweaters. I wear his neck scarfs out and about during winters.
The braves won last night, now will enjoy watching the
World Series. I enjoy the Baseball games.
Will be back later. Blessings, Patti