Sudden and unexpected

Deb, I loved my grandparents on my
mother's side. They were a role model
for me of what a marriage should be.
As I may have mentioned, my grandmother died of cancer at 69. very
close to Linda's death at 68. When my
became ill with cancer, I was about 15.
I was shocked to see her lose so much
weight. We stayed in another room in
her house, and I could hear her crying
out in pain, but didn't know what was
wrong until later. I went to the funeral. My grandfather was older, 77. He was a kind
man, with a twinkle in his eye. He lived
another 2 years. Women would say to him
that he should marry again, & he smiled,
shook his head, and said his wife was
"watching" him & would object. Despite
his sadness, he still got people to laugh.
I cry as I write this. Even though they
died when I was in high school, I
remember them vividly & miss them.
I was named after my grandfather on
my father's side. He died before I was
born. I didn't know his wife, my other
grandmother, as well. The extended
family was on my father's side. You
don't have to apologize about talking about your dog, Deb. I think I was in a
bad mood, & angry at Linda's parents
for giving up their dog. We had to take
her even though we weren't prepared
to give her the love & care she deserved.
I consider Guppa my "service" dog, but
unlike before, I don't feel compelled to
see him every day. Lou

 

Guppa likes it when I say his name, and
more importantly, massage his back. In the
colder weather, he wears sweaters. His
owner buys hoodies for him. One day,
she put a hood on his head, partly
covering his eyes. We laughed bc he
looked like a criminal. That's funny about
Jack. When I was growing up, I was
allergic to both dogs and cats. Even though
I tried to keep my distance, cats liked to
sneak up to me & rub against my legs. Lou

 

Hi Lou, Thankful I do okay with distance , it's
close up that I struggle with. I was up so late last
night to watch the game, it was a good one. Dodgers
won 11 to 2. I dont guess at who will be in the series
whichever team makes it in , as I see it, is the best
this year. Jack and I enjoyed baseball games.this
was the first I've watched in quite a few years.
I am going to get my long walk in after I post this.
I walk in all kinds of weather just not when it's thunder
or lightening storms. Have you a pair of cleats to wear
on the ice. I need to get a pair this year. Did fall
couple years ago on ice, fortunate didn't injure myself.
Today has been a very rough day, I HATE this
overwhelming grief , couldn't seem to get my mind
elsewhere. Guess maybe because the 7th of November
is coming up soon. Miss Jack everyday.
I am not one to watch much on tv. I look forward to
ice skating and some of the Olympics,Americas Got
Talent, The Voice. I still can't get into watching the
movies.
I guess I best get my jacket on for my long walk.
Will be back later this evening, want to get caught up
on everyone's posts. Blessings, Patti
Hi to all others here.

 

Patti, Cheryl and I would always watch the local news and the evening news then one hour of gunsmoke. It was our evening ritual. It’s been over five months and I have not watched any TV other than the news and weather here and there. I can’t stand to listen to the radio more than 15 minutes even in the car. The only thing I can listen to for a long period of time is the police scanner and City lights on the dish channel. I really enjoyed reading the book permission to mourn by Tom Zuba. Zuba’s kind and radical Technique to grief recovery calms me and lets me approach it from a different perspective. It’s a book that I should read over and over again. I was touched by your grandfather’s story Lou. My granddaddy from mom’s side was the most loving person I’ve ever known. He was a farmer in Florida grew oranges and was a pioneer in the celery business. He would send me rattlesnake rattles for Christmas. Like your grandfather he had a twinkle in his eye and he was just so loving. He died when I was in the fifth grade and the whole family grieved terribly. That was the first death I remember. Tomorrow Cheryl‘s sister Will come to my home and take the last load away. Two sisters volunteered to keep Cheryl’s business going through the year to sell all inventory verses having an auction. One of the sisters commented there just wasn’t enough love to go around when they grew up as children. Neither one has shed a tear around me since Cheryl died. I’m going to try to be helpful and not judge her. This will be a milestone when it’s over. Thanks Karen for the abbreviations. Deb I hope you’re feeling better it sounds like you are. And George I miss hearing from you and I’ve been thinking about you. Hugs to all. Gary

 

Hi, Patti! At Shack bar, for dinner.
Noisy crowd of locals. Sox game not
'til 8, so I'll go home. I like to be in bed
by 10. I just wanted to say hi. Talk later!
Lou

 

Lou,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. It's been a very difficult day. Will explain when I'm feeling a bit less drained. Grieving is so emotionally and physically exhausting, TU!!!

Thank you for letting me know it was okay that I mentioned my dog last night. I felt really badly about it and hoped it wasn't a trigger for more bad memories. I LOVE!!! that you call Guppa your "service dog." Dogs are the absolute best!!! Guppa is also on my list of persons, in this case furry friends, who I wish I could meet.

Although it makes you sad "talking" about your grandparents, I'm so happy you have so many special and wonderful memories of them. However, it makes me sad knowing you were so young, and could hear hear your grandmother crying out in pain. Although you didn't know she was suffering from cancer, it must have been so hard for you to hear her crying... Memories of loved ones who are no longer with us, are so bittersweet...

I read your message to Patti. I hope even though there's a noisy crowd of locals at the Shack tonight, you're having a good time.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

Read your message to Lou. I'm so sorry today was a difficult one for you. Today was a very difficult one for me too. My wedding anniversary would have been next week. The closer we get to what would have been my wedding anniversary and the holidays, the more miserable I'm feeling. Somehow, we will get through this together. After all, we are TGWs!!! (The Grief Warriors. Lou came up with this. Gary turned it into a regular thing. At least, this is what I think happened. I HATE!!! this widow foggy brain thing, TU!!! (short for total understatment).

I'm glad that walking helps you too. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't able to take my walks. However, I need to be more aware of my surroundings. Recently there was a break in, a woman was held at gunpoint, had to give the intruder money, but thankfully he didn't hurt her. He hasn't been caught. This incident happened during the day when lots of people were around. Way too scary...

I only watch TV at night, but nothing sad or scary. I'm not a big TV person. However, I need the TV on when I eat dinner. I can't get used to eating alone, without Bob, sitting at the table with me. Makes me teary eyed seeing his empty chair... Backing up a bit, I don't watch the news much anymore either. I can't handle it. Sometimes I tune in for the weather, but mostly I skim articles on my chrome book.

I hope your walk brightened your mood, even if just a little bit.

I hope all that fresh makes it easier for you to not only fall asleep, but also to get some quality sleep. A good night's rest is something I will never take for granted again, another one of those TUs!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti, Nov 4th for me, will be 1 year and for some reason I'm dreading the day as I know you are too. God Speed, Karen

 

Wow, Deb, you made up for "taking so
long to respond", with your kind ( as
always) quick response to my short
reply to Patti. The funny thing is that
the noisy conversations at the bar didn't
bother me. I could zone out, when I was
served dinner. Some of my friends,
mostly couples tonight, had already
eaten somewhere else, and they were
considerate & didn't want my salmon
dinner to get cold. When I went to the
Shack on a Friday night just a few months
after Linda died, I found it extremely
loud. I was drinking at the time,and my
emotions were raw. I was also highly
sensitive to wisecracks by both friends
& bartenders. One bartender said he
kidded me bc he liked me, otherwise he
wouldn't. Now, I dish it back, and it feels
good. I identified with Jonathan when
he said noise bothered him after Joy
died. When my grandmother died, I was
in a depression, and had to stay home
from school. That was an early sign of
the manic depression I would have in my
late 20s. When Linda & I went to see
her cancer doctor, Linda told her that I
was fearful about Linda's diagnosis, bc
my grandmother had died. Both of us
cried in her office. The doctor was from
Ireland & had a soft voice, with a soothing
accent. One day, I was in a store, & the
doctor called me there to tell me that
Linda's breast cancer had spread. I kept
my composue, & asked her where we go
from here. She said chemo might be an option. I told her that I would drop what
I was doing, and rush to the nursing
home to see Linda. In her soft voice, she
said, "you're a good husband", and I almost lost it. When I arrived in Linda's room,
her favorite nurse was with her, and they
had already got the bad news. I ran over
to Linda, and we hugged. I try to
remember THAT moment, and not the
end. Linda told the nurse that she was
"stubborn" and would fight this thing.
I believed her. So, when she died in front
of me, I sobbed uncontrallably. It was, by
far, the most horrible moment of my
life. Nothing else comes close. Sorry to
end this on such a sad note, but, as my
therapist said when ( Mr.) grief comes
knocking, you sometimes have to let him
in. I'll stay up a while & check in with
TGW. I plan to go to the Legion for coffee
around 8:15 in the morning. Looking
forward to seeing 93 year old Roger.
He reminds me of my grandfather. Hope
you have a better day tomorrow, Deb.
I know firsthand how exhausting grief
can be. Loud

 

Deb, just replied to your other post, but
I wanted to answer this one, too. You were
right. I was the one who came up with
The Grief Warriors, bc we ARE in a battle
for our sanity after our soulmates have
left us physically. Jonathan used the
word FOREVER, when it hit him one day.
Gary is great at organizing our thoughts
into initials like TGW. You have become
a master with TU, which took me a while
to figure out.That is scary about the home
invasion. Thank God the woman is OK,
but the psychological damage has been
done. You are wise to stay away from
news. I like to just get the headlines, on
mute, on my phone. I don't miss having a
TV,but I understand why you want it on
while you're eating. On your wedding
anniversary, try to reach out to us, so you
won't feel so alone. You have helped me
with Linda's birthday, holidays, etc. I have
found that the anticipation is worse than
the day itself. In a way, it was similar to
my dreading of cataract surgery. I'm not
scared about the doctor doing surgery
on the other eye on Nov 3. Hope you
sleep well, Deb. I never take it for granted,
either. Lou

 

Karen, as I just told Deb about her sad
wedding anniversary, I have found that
the days leading up to that day, are worse
than the day itself. Hope you can get out
that day, maybe visit with your daughter
and not feel so alone. I also hope you
will reach out to TGW that day. We are
here to listen and give comfort. Lou

 

Thank you, Gary, about your kind words
about my grandparents. I am so sorry
that you were so young when your
grandfather died. It sounds like he was a
great & kind man who had a profound
influence on you. I think it's sad that
Cheryl's sisters don't support you in your
hour of need, bc they are on another
planet, when it comes to mourning. I'm
so glad you share your insights about
Zuba's book. I really believe that when you
feel ready, you will be engrossed in
Jonathan's book as well. I hope George is
OK, too. He was having a really rough
time cleaning out his house, so that he
can finally move. Like you. I liked
Westerns like Gunsmoke, and watched
many others, when I was a boy. I liked it
when the good guys won. Lo

 

Yes, the days leading up are worse, I've found that out, thank you L

 

Hi Gary,( Deb, Lou, Karen, George and others )
I managed to get my 3 mile walk in this evening,
Usually do a brisk walk, however this evening I just wanted
to do so at a leisurely pace, sat down on a bench mid way,
released tears of held back emotions, meditated for awhile
before proceeding on my return walk back to my apartment.
Speaking of my personal thoughts, feelings on my walks, "I
always marvel at nature, to look up at the heavens on my long
walks and to appreciate all of God's creations, feeling Blessed
to have been chosen to be a part in HIS plan".
Gary, I haven't listened nor watched news on tv all year, I had to
quit because it was way to stressful, and very depressing.
You recently spoke of the Yellow butterfly, my Aunt Freida
always told me when I was a small child , someday she would
come back as a butterfly, my being too young to understand
what she meant, I always remembered that and so for many
a years when I see a butterfly fluttering close to me, I smile
and say " hi, Aunt Freida" with a warm feeling doing so.
I reckon I best be calling it a day, it's now 11:30.
Yay, tomorrow Dodgers will play in Atlanta, at 5:00 PM
eastern time Will be rooted for em but no matter who wins
I will be sure to watch the World Series,
Thinking of you all, Blessings. Patti

 

Dear Deb, I'm so sorry, sending you a big hug, We will
eventually see ourselves making headway Deb, through these
heart wrenching bouts of grief. I've come to realize ,
when it happens to me the harder I try to get my mind focused
elsewhere, the grieving has a tendency to escalate, creating
a battle with Mr.Grief. Will be thankful getting to a tranquil
day to day way of life, for myself and all others here.
Deb,yes I totally agree our long walks are good for us, and
we really need to be aware of our surroundings. I am always
very careful at all times, VERY FEW folks get out and walk
where I reside, gymn is seldom used.
Praying my close up vision improves, surgery last week
was a delay in healing process.
Sendoing hug, Blessings, Patti









,

 

You're not alone, by not watching
movies, Patti. In his book, The Widower's
Notebook, Jonathan Santlofer at his
late wife, Joy,loved going to the movies
with him. After his wife died, he couldn't
bear to step in to a theater. Just woke up
at 5am instead of my usual 6am. I had a long dream about different people (some
I didn't know). At the end of the dream, I
saw Linda's face. We were lying down,
facing each other. She teased me about
something, and laughed. We both laughed
and leaned in for a kiss. Then, I woke up.
I didn't cry, like I always did ( I used to
wake up from a dream, either hugging
myself, or hugging my pillow, like Deb
did). This dream was my butterfly moment. It showed me that Linda was
sending me a message, that she still
loved me, and remind me that we had
fun together. Perhaps this dream was
triggered by an encounter with a new
couple last night. The husband was a
cousin of a good friend of mine. There
were a lot of couples last night, which isn't
always the case. When the man talked with me, face to face, he asked about
myself, what street I lived on, how I came
to end up in this small, friendly town. I
told him how Linda & I lived in a tall
apartment bldg in a nearby city, and that
Linda hated living there. It was for
people over 62, so we thought it would
be safe. What we didn't know, was that we
were one of the few married couples.
Most of the residents were older women,
whose husbands either died many years
ago, or left them. They were a nosy, gossipy bunch & annoyed Linda. It bothered Linda more, bc she grew up
in that city, whereas I didn't. The stress
of our situation didn't help her physical
state. She had diabetes, and lived a
sedentary existence, not wanting to
walk down the hall, or take the small
elevator, and run into these women. We
were going to move, but then she became
ill, and had to go to the hospital, and then,
the rehab. wing of a nursing home. I moved out of that building, into a winter
motel, and visited Linda every day. My
only consolation was that she thought
she would join me, & find a small, ground
level,stand alone place. When she died,
I was staying at the motel, but had to
move out, before the summer tourists
cane. I was lucky to find a place which is
my forever home, God willing. I think of
the Sinatra song " Love's been good to
me", when he sings, " I have been a rover,
I have walked alone......". As you know
from my past posts, I played Sinatra's
slow, sad ballads, like "Cycles", and cry.
Linda & I had CD collections of Sinatra's
music. When I moved, I gave all my CDs,
& CD player to a friend, bc I didn't want to
deal with it without Linda. I have no regrets about that decision. I want to
simplify my life. I much prefer the simplicity of listening to music on my
phone, whenever the spirit moves. My
move, though difficult, was the best thing
I ever did. At first, I felt guilty that Linda
didn't live to see "the Promised Land" .
I couldn't listen to Martin Luther King,
Jr 's famous speech, and his premonition
of his death, without sobbing, bc Linda
had that premonition, also. But,as Deb
said, both Linda and Bob wanted us to be
happy. Well, time for coffee, and then,
get ready to see the veterans ( even though
I'm the only non veteran) at the American
Legion. I have bonded with Roger, 93, a
Korean War vet, whose wife died from
dementia, after 67 years of marriage. He
had forgotten what her voice sounded
like, until one night, God sent her voice
to him in a dream. Deb & I laughed when
this man told me his wife growled at him.
Both of us laughed at that. When I hear
about George's miserable living situation
and Deb & Karen's mixed feelings about
moving, I can only tell them I'm happier
that I moved, to start anew. I know Linda
would have wanted that for me. I wish,
Patti, that you lived in an easier place
for walking. My role model is 97 year old
Ginny, who walks everywhere with a
wheelie ( to put her sweater & different
things in). She loves talking with people
and lives in the present. She talks about
her late husbands ( she had 2), only if
asked. Well, hope you can still "talk" with
The Grief Warriors (TGW) whenever you
can. Lou

 

Lou,

No need to ever apologize for ending anything on a sad note!!! I like the way your therapist said it that "when ( (Mr.) thank you Karen!) grief comes knocking, you sometimes have to let him in." It is the only way to go in order to heal. I'm thinking about Bob 24/7... Sad thoughts, like I'm sure they are for all TGW, are always in my mind, surfacing whenever "Mr. Grief" decides to make an unwelcome appearance, TU!!! Backing up just a bit, it makes me feel better, being here for you, and for all of TGW, even though I know nothing I say can take away any of the unbearable pain we all feel. GRIEF SUCKS BIG TIME, TU!!!

I remember when Bob and I were first delivered the bad news. It was after 5 p.m. and we were sitting in the office, of the doctor who would soon become Bob's oncologist, while we were living in PA. When he delivered the news, I remember, even though I knew in the back of my mind that it was bad news, a feeling of disbelief as Bob and I sat next to each other, holding hands. Then it suddenly hit, the floodgates opened, the oncologist handed me the box of tissues that was on the counter. Bob said much the same thing Linda said, that he was going to "fight like hell," beat this thing, and continue living his life in the process. Bob, always a very stoic man, although I knew he must have been crying inside, kept his cool, but he held onto my hand tightly. However, this night, doesn't even begin to compare to the total heartbreak I felt that last night through the early morning hours of the next day, a pain so intense I can't even begin to describe it, of losing Bob, my soulmate, my "person," the one true love of my life. You helped me by bringing up the most painful moments of your life, because I still need to "talk" about the most painful moments of my life too.

I'm so happy it was a good night at the shack. You having salmon for dinner reminded me that I want to put a piece in the refrigerator to defrost. I've been in the mood for it, but keep forgetting to defrost it. It means I have to make a trip to the grocery store tomorrow (I need a lemon), and deal with the Christmas displays as well as the Halloween displays, but I'll try to put blinders on, as you do, when you take the bus.

Stopping here, looks like I have lots of catching up to do, but probably won't get through all of the new messages until later on today. I need a walk, TU!!! It's a beautiful sunny start to the day (I felt glued to the bed again, got up late, and have been dragging), and I hope to find reasons to smile...

I'm guessing that by now, you probably already left the Legion, and I'm thinking you're enjoying all those gorgeous ocean views... If you see Guppa, give him a hug for me... I need a dog to hug this morning...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

Just a very quick response because I need to get a walk in. I sometimes do what you did last night. There is a raised wooden path in the woods that has benches on it. I often stop when I get to them and sit for awhile. I think about Bob..., about life..., about how beautiful nature is..., trusting in God to help me get through this pain, help all TGW get through this pain ..., and cry. However, because of the recent break in, I'm going to stay away from this path for awhile. Many times, it seems like I'm the only one it.

I haven't read many of the messages posted since last night, and need to get my walk in.

I hope your day is off to a good start, that you have at least one, but hopefully more than one, reason to smile...,

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB