Sudden and unexpected

I sure don't want a house! I am so done with that maintenance stuff. Rents are way higher than my mortgage! Unfortunately!

 

Would you consider living in a small
town, or rural area of Illinois? Maybe
even move to Indiana, near Gary! Lou

 

I know what you mean about home maintenance. I live in the old two-story farmhouse that I have remodeled over the years. Now the maintenance is a burden but I haven’t lived around other people for a long time and the change would be mind blowing. I hate the song dust in the wind, paint it black, and especially only the good die young. But I love the song by The Who called the bargain the best I ever had. that makes me think about Cheryl she was the best. I got up before the mosquitoes today and had a two hour hike in the woods. I walked through the spot where Cheryl went out with me at night to find a deer. it brought back memories How much courage Cheryl had to do things like that. There’s a giant sycamore tree in the woods that is over 300 years old and I call it the great one. I always hug this tree and look up to it’s top while underneath it. It reminds me of how the power of nature connects us with the positive energy in the universe. After hearing about Deb’s workout regiment I decided to take a bike ride because the wind was low and the sky was blue. Deb is an inspiration to me by staying in shape. I almost overdosed on grief yesterday. I’ve been looking at Facebook widows and widowers and it’s too much grief At one time. Our facilitator tells us to take it in doses. Lou I looked at the menu of the shack and my mouth started watering. I looked at your area on the map. Have you ever been to Pine point? Looking for a reason to LMSO Gary

 

So glad you looked up Roy Moore's Fish
Slack Restaurant & Bar, or as we locals
call it the Shack. Deb & Bob used to live
up North & knows this Cape Ann region
well. She looks up my hangouts, also. I
feel like I'm a one man, unpaid Chamber
of Commerce, for the places I like. Don't
know Pine Point. Linda was do much
better at abbreviations. I had to look up
LMSO!! We have a theme here, Gary. I
told m therapist, Bob, about my typo:
meant to say ass, instead of laugh my "sad"
off, but you, Deb,& I liked it, so it stuck. Bob had a good laugh over the typo. Deb
thinks it may be time for me to meet
another woman, after 3 years since Linda's death, bc I keep writing "thongs", instead
of things. All of us here have the ability to
laugh & make others laugh. I think that,
and a belief that I'm better than I was, and
my belief in God, have sustained me in
my daily mourning for Linda. You

 

Eventually I'd love to get out of Illinois. Right now there is just too much on my plate. Maybe if it wasn't for the dialysis.

 

George, I forgot about the dialysis, bc you
have been out walking, getting all that
crap out of your house. A bigger move can
be on the back burner for now, but it's
good to have something, even it's just a
dream right now, to shoot for. When
Linda & I retired, our dream was to live
by the ocean, but we had many false
starts, especially the last apartment bldg
we hated. I try to think that Linda thought
she'd join me in a ground level apartment
( like I have now), when she was discharged from the rehab/ nursing
home. Tragically, that was not to be. I try
to think she'd be happy for me. Her
spirit is with me, when I sit on the same
bench we sat on, looking out to sea. Lou

 

Deb, an amazing thing happened. I'm
having a mid afternoon lunch/ dinner
at Oliver's Harbor Restaurant & Bar, in
Gloucester. I saw your kind message, and
noticed the time you sent it----10:13 am,
Linda's birthday. Definitely a sign that
Linda was with you. Apparently, Gary
hates "Dust in the Wind", too. I disliked
some songs that Linda liked before she
met me. One was "Sugar Shack". Linda
liked Steely Dan, like George does, better
than I did. Linda had many sayings,
aside from "sucks big time": "I can't
catch a break", or " there's always one",
meaning an annoying person in our lives.
You can read my reply to Gary when he
said I was always " perky". An incident
occurred on Sunday on the Neck. Everyone was welcoming to Steven &
Betsy. She was rude to them, and insulted
me, even though I was always nice to
her. I told her I didn't have to listen to
her "crap". With that, she rode on her
broomstick back into her store. As I told
Gary, and my therapist this am, I'm a
72 year old widower, who refuses to be
stepped on without fighting back. Linda
saw that in me. Another quote we liked
was from Godfather III, when Michael
Corleone says, "Just when I thought I was
out, they pull me back in". Sounds like our
grief, doesn't it? Be sure to check my
reply to your ridiculous jury summons.
Be strong, Deb. Don't let anybody bully
you into doing anything you don't want to
do. Lou

 

George the radiation treatments I have pending are almost certain because of The way my PSA is rising. It is nothing like what you’re going through. I admire you very much. I’m surprised at the dialysis treatment places there are in the small towns. I know there’s one in Auburn. I hope you get a good realtor and the chance to do a lot of research on the apartment move. Deacon blues and I can’t spell Bodhisava are my steely dan favorites. It’s been such a beautiful day here. I can’t believe I had another 15-20 minutes of mindfulness in my backyard. The brain went into hibernation. Deb I don’t know how you do it going solo. Have you ever taken an Epsom salt bath? I took one last night and don’t do them very often. Supposed to be good for depression. I tried to read the widowers notebook but had to give it up because of too much similarity with the way Cheryl’s life ended. I’m enjoying permission to mourn. Buffalo New York is the farthest east I’ve ever been. You are in a Really Cool Place Lou. Peace. Gary

 

Gary, my advice to you about The
Widower's Notebook, is to put it aside
for now. As I told Deb, it's not good for
bedtime reading. I agree with you that
the beginning of the book is agonizingly
close to home. I had to put it in a drawer,
at first, bc I was sobbing uncontrollably.
A week later, I started the book again, in
the morning, sitting at the table with
coffee. I read as much as I could, and then,
put a bookmark in, for the next morning.
I loved the honesty & even humor of a 40
year marriage, which had its' ups & downs. I do feel blessed to be in a
beautiful area by the ocean, but I'm
NEVER complacent about it. There is a
sadness under the surface that Linda is
no longer here, physically, to enjoy the
magic with me. Case in point: my married
couple friends went hiking in the woods,
whilr I hopped on a bus to the nearby
larger city. I treated myself to a mid-
afternoon lunch/ dinner, as I told Deb.
All good, until my slow, scenic bus ride
home. I pictured Linda & me, in the
back seat of a taxi ( no car anymore), on
this same road. My eyes filled up with
tears, hidden by my hoodie, a cap with a
visor, to hold the hood up, & sunglasses.
As I told Deb, my grief is like Michael
Corleone's line in Godfather III: "Just as I
thought I was out, they pull me back in!".
Lou

 

George,

I know you can't help feeling guilty, but I wish you didn't. Guilt is a useless emotion. I can't even begin to imagine how miserable dialysis must be... how physically uncomfortable... exhausting... mentally draining it must be. I'm amazed at how strong a person you are. Unable to get up from that chair for four hours, freezing, painful if you move your arm, listening to the noise of the machine... And, on top of all this, heartbroken and grieving for Cheryl... getting your house ready to sell, putting it on the market, having to figure out where you want to live, searching for an apartment... I'm worn to a frazzle just "talking" about this!!! You need to take care of yourself the very best you can. Your health, both mentally and physically, is way more important than a freshly mowed yard, a newly painted house, etc., etc., etc,..., total understatement!!! Life is precious and way too short. Do whatever it is that makes you happiest, and try really hard not to feel guilty about it.

I hope you were able to laugh your sad off at least once today.

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hey Lou! Thanks for the note! Today has been especially hard and heavy and not just the endless grieving stuff. I am so tired physically mentally spiritually right. now. Sometimes itz harder than others to look into the longTerm goals and dreams.

 

What a great message and I really needed that boost today has been especially brutal... the house stuff, a real emotional setback on selling... thwarted trying to buy an exerebike for me and TB, very introspective and heavy moods here. At least no D on Monday and thatz good. And yes I am a living version of frazzled usually... Ha!

 

Lou,

I totally "get" what you mean when you said it's easier for people to blow you off over the phone then in person. I'm glad you and Linda were both assertive enough to be excused from jury duty. Around here, the date can only be postponed once, twice if you're lucky. You would think that the recent death of your spouse, and all the negative things that happen because of it, not being able to sleep, concentrate, remember things, make decisions, control your emotions, etc., etc., etc. would be a valid reason for being dismissed. I truly hope it is. As I mentioned earlier, I don't think it would be fair to the defendant, and thinking about it some more, to me either.

On to better things, I laughed my sad off when you said that you thought you resembled the Unibomber when you left the house this morning!!! Around here, I have to dress in layers. It starts off really cold, but as it gets later in the day, it gets warmer. The sun seems so much stronger here, so even if it's only in the low 70's, if its a really sunny day, it feels much hotter than this.

Haven't read all the messages since this morning, so stopping here...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I smiled when I read that my message arrived at 10:13. I agree, Linda was with me this morning. It wish I could meet her in person, but I'm so glad she let me know she was here.

One thing about me, when I need to be, I can be very assertive, total understatement!!! I got much better at it after Bob became sick. I made sure the best that I could, that Bob got what he needed. I probably drove some of the nurses, maybe some of the doctors a bit batty.

I need that a new plumbing system, so stopping here (for now)...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. Will have to check out Oliver's Restaurant and Bar later...

 

George,

Hang in there, everything is always subject to change, total understatement!!! Better days ahead...

Sending extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

I love Painted Black. I don't remember if all of you like Steely Dan, but Steely Dan is definitely not one of my favorites. However, like I told Lou, I think it was this morning, if all of us liked the same things, the world would be such a boring place!!!, total understatement!!! I love what you said about the giant sycamore tree in the woods... I'm so sorry I have to say this to you, but since I stopped all those HIIT classes and running, even though I can still wear most of the same clothes that I wore then, they definitely don't fit the same... But, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS, if hearing about my past life, the one before Bob got really sick, inspired you to take that bike ride, it makes me happy. There is nothing like fresh air, a beautiful blue sky, and some sunshine to get us to see things in a much more positive way.

Hope you had at least one reason to laugh your sad off today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S.S. Just checked out Olivers... Looks like a fun place to eat. I miss all the New England architecture, total understatement!!! I'm so homesick...

 

Yay! Very stressed! needed that!

 

George,

Sending a few extra hugs your way... Hope you get some quality sleep tonight...

Sending even more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB