Sudden and unexpected

Trains are awesome... That must've been so cool to cross country in a train. My father was fond of roadtrips via car even though he worked for a railroad. It got cold in Chicago! I thin the walkingf might have made dialysis a little easier too. Or at least I was more tired... See ya!

 

Thanks Deb for such a sweet and positive message! I have no clue where I'm gonna go to I still need to get the house ready to sell. There is so much to do and most of the logistics fall on me and I suck big time at logistics but I'm learning and doing. I want to be consistent with walking but at the same time I need to be kind to myself. I almost came right home after a block yesterday but I was persistent. and I think the walk might have made dialysis a little better. I was less anxious there and did read for half the time. I am so glad you still think of Bob as there too. Just like me with Valerie. We know they are not coming back physically but they are in our hearts and minds and souls. That is a beautiful way to remember them. It got cold here in Chicago... Now I'll be cold until June... Hope where I move to has good heat. Hoping you have a postive and good day despite everything! Love!

 

I don't really know how to do ZOOM type stuff. I can bare3ly Email these daze. Lou you are so lu7cky to live in such a cool place. It is real boring around here! Postcards! I remember those! Wow... I forgot all about regular letter writing!

 

Lou,

I smiled when I read Linda would have said this grief work "SUCKS BIG TIME!!" I wish so much I could have been able to meet her... I know what you mean about hugs feeling wonderful. I think everyone in our position must feel the same way. I miss all those daily hugs Bob and I shared... There are so many days I just need a hug... At the end of the grief support meetings I used to attend, everyone would hug everyone else in the parking lot as we were leaving. I remember the first time a new person joined our group. Each one of us, it was a very small group, averaging about 5 people/week, gave him a big hug. He was in tears.... said it was the first time in over a year that he had been hugged. It made me cry too. Grieving SUCKS BIG TIME!!!, TOTAL UNDERSTATEMENT!!!

It makes me happy knowing you had another great day/night. I checked out Heath's Tea Room. Love the atmosphere and the old fashioned feel to it. It reminds me of being at my grandmother's house years ago, sitting in her breakfast nook (I haven't heard this word, or used it in ages!!! I think it's gone by way of the dinosaur.), having tea or coffee, and sharing a small plate of sweet treats... She always used pretty china plates, cloth napkins, and would pour either tea or coffee from a matching pot. Tonight will be an especially nice evening for you, because you'll be enjoying it with very close friends. Thinking about this makes me smile.

The Thai restaurant where my friend and I wanted to have lunch yesterday, didn't open the outside seating area. We were surprised because it was a beautiful, sunny day. My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a seafood place for lunch. We both love seafood, and we were near a good restaurant that has plenty of outdoor seating, but not only had we both enjoyed meals there in the past with our husbands, but it is also near the water. I told her we should go for it, that if we could do this, it would be a positive step forward. After about a year after her husband's death, she was able to go to places that they had been to together and enjoy them, although it's still bittersweet for her, and probably always will be.

Very long story short, it was bittersweet for both of us. We enjoyed a long leisurely lunch, along with a side of tears... It was the hardest thing I've done since Bob passed away. I thought I was okay when we left the restaurant, and after she dropped me off at home, but, and this is another one of those BIG BUTS!!!, the minute I walked inside the house, I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was a mess... I needed that "off switch" for my brain..., but grief always has the upper hand. GRIEVING SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

I needed my best friend from home, so I called her. Still in tears when she answered her phone. She listened to me ramble on and on and on, while crying. She kept telling me to visit her, to stay through the holidays, but I can't do this. I couldn't handle one lunch near the water without falling apart, there is no way I can handle being "home," especially during the holidays. She told me not to say no, but to think about it some more. She doesn't think it's a good idea for me to be in SC for the holidays. I told her that I would think about it some more, but that I doubt I'm going to change my mind. I'm way too emotionally fragile. GRIEVING SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

Later on, my friends who Bob and I used to vacation with, sent me some pictures taken with the husband's new phone. They were absolutely gorgeous... They also sent me a few of them and their daughter, who lives in Washington, and is visiting them for several weeks. Above the pictures, it said "Wish you were here..." I smiled through the tears... Happy mixed with sad... I can't imagine never having a happy moment again that won't be bittersweet. This is making me so sad...

I haven't taken my morning walk yet because I'm waiting for it to warm up. It was in the 50's when I got up, and now it's hit a balmy 63 degrees. After I check out what's been happening around here, I'll put on my walking shoes and hit the pavement. I really need a walk, total understatement!!!

My internet service is still slow this morning, so stopping here. Otherwise, I'm positive I would have written another book.

By now, your probably finished with breakfast and maybe even walking along the shore. Whatever you're doing, I hope you're enjoying the start of another wonderful day...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

My internet service sucks this morning, way too slow, but after reading your message, I couldn't turn off my laptop without responding. I'm having a really rough morning, just sent Lou a message telling him about it, so won't repeat it here. But, and this is another one of those BIG BUTS!!!, I'm smiling through tears knowing that your walk helped make dialysis a bit better, that you were less anxious and able to read. I agree, you need to be kind to yourself, and have to do whatever works best for you.

At some point, I want to move. I've never had to move by myself before, and it's going to be challenging. However, I keep telling myself that already I've managed to accomplish things I never thought I would be able to do without Bob. As Robin has said more than once, we're stronger than we think we are. I keep saying this over and over to myself whenever I feel like I can't do something. I hope you have one of those "light bulb moments," and suddenly, you know where you want to live, to create the foundation, for the new life you're building. I smile every time I think about how far you've come already in this miserable journey. As Robin would say, "you're stronger than you think you are."

It's taken me way too long to type this and because it's taking so long, I keep losing my train of thought. It's so frustrating. So stopping here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Great to hear from you this am, George.
You're the first person I've heard from
today. Yesterday was the first morning
I didn't cry for Linda, bc I woke up with
a mission, to greet a couple from Pa.
who are visiting my area, near the ocean,
for 2 weeks. They live on a farm near
Amish country, & love to see the sea, in
March & Oct. I met them at my local
Shack bar, in Nov, 2019, a year after
Linda's death. The husband, mid 50s,
became my penpal, & we sent each other
postcards. It's so wonderful to see them
again. We had dinner last night at the
same place we had met. I'm having
breakfast at a spot across from the beach.
I'm alone, but will meet the couple later
in our promenade of shops & art galleries,
& want to introduce to them to my
friend. However, in the sad reality that
grief can raise its' ugly head at any
moment, I just heard B.B.King, & choked
up bc I recalled going to his concert with
Linda, in Providence. To add to the
sadness, the song was "The Thrill is
Gone". Just as I recovered from that
song, I heard "The Night They Drove
Ole Dixie Down", the version by The
Band. I don't think our country ever
really healed after the Civil War. But,
I don't have to tell you that, since you
live in the state, called , "The land of
Lincoln". Better see my friends soon,
so I don't get more morbid. Hope you
have some sunny days, which will make
your walks more pleasant. Lou

 

Very interesting. I too grieve for the world in addition to my wife... Itz like we are also mourning life/society too these daze.
Music sure can do that to us. Make us aware of moods and feeling.
All I can listen to since Valerie died is Steely Dan... not sure why. Don't really care I guess... I didn't really cry today either for Valerie. I almost finished Santlover... So excellent. Thanks again for recommending it Lou!

 

Just trying to be mindful and live day-by-day. Moving is so hard but at the same time so needed by us. I can't start anew in this house but at the same time I've never done anything like this myself. as we get closer to actually putting the house on the market I keep second guessing myself but then I tell my brain to shut up cuz I'm in charge of it. Sometimes that even works, ha. Lots of love hugs and peace too!

 

Loved your "book", Deb, which is like
being engrossed in a long novel. I recall
being bored with my college courses
one long winter night, & curled up with
East of Eden, by Steinbeck. Later, I was
moved by the movie version, with James
Dean & his distant father, played by
Raymond Massey. Dean craved his father's
approval & affection, so I identified with
him bc I had that same issue with my own
father. I don't remember him ever hugging me. Last night, I was sitting at the Shack
with Lyle, when Steven & Betsy walked
in. It was like a dream. I jumped up to
hug Betsy, who's shorter than I am. Then,
expecting just the usual, post COVID
fistbump, Steven surprised me with a
hug, too. To top it off, Lyle, who hasn't
seen S&B since that quiet night at the
Shack, in Nov, 2019, a year after Linda's
death, hugged both of them at once. Of
course, he was also fueled by several
beers, which he had in Gloucester at
the Crow's Nest bar ( dive), featured in
"The Perfect Storm". You may want to
check out my reply to George this am,
for more details. I never cried yesterday,
and I told Steven at the bar last night, that
it was bc I knew they were coming. I told
Steven & Betsy, and drunken (!) Lyle,
that I didn't believe in coincidences, and
felt that God sent Steven & Betsy into
my life, in my hour of need. I'm proud of
myself that I asked this quiet, loving
couple that cold night in Nov, where they
were from. A deep friendship was born.
I'm so proud of you, Deb, for going to
that seafood restaurant, but with such
mixed emotions, to put it mildly. I cried
when I heard that you cried, in agony &
heartache. Right after Linda died, I was
in a Post Office, when a man, who both
Linda & I liked, asked me how my "other
half" was. I sobbed uncontrollably when
I told him Linda was dead. He put his
hand on my shoulder. Fortunately, I was
wearing sunglasses & a hat, which
somewhat hid my identity. After 3 years
of mourning, everyone knows that I'm a
widower. None of these people met
Linda. It was very hard for me, bc this
man did. Well, it's 60s, sunny, & breezy,
so I'm heading down to Neck, where
S&B will join me. I'm excited to "show
them off" tonight at Tea Room. I was
touched by your grandmother story, bc
my grandmother was the same. Hope you
enjoy your walk. So glad George is walking
outside, too. Lou

 

Linda LOVED Steely Dan! I'm grateful that she went to see many live bands, in the 70s
& 80s, before we met, and then, joined
me at the House of Blues, on our 1st date,
& we saw different musicians, like B.B.
King, Bonnie Raitt, Trisha Yearwood, &
Ray Charles. It's sad that, like Valerie &
Linda, King & Charles, are no longer with
us, but their spirits definitely live on. So
happy that you shared my enthusiasm
over Jonathan's straight from the heart
book. Lou

 

Damn that is so apt! To move on and be happy... I know our loved ones would want that... but it is such a catch22 FeedBack loop... You try and be positive and look to a new Life and then you feel guilty or i do anyway and then I start thinking about all the nice thing's Valerie did for me and wonder if I was appreciative enough. You are so right about improved standard of living... It is so not there, the quality, anymore of someone helping with a home even when sick. Like when she was 2 months away from death still making Christmas Cookies... I dread Christmas so much!~

 

George, I visited your "Windy City", and
couldn't wait to leave, bc of those cold
winds off the lake, and the frightening,
increasing murder rate. When Sinatra
sang, "Chicago, my kind of town", it was a
different time. Hope you find a place with
a lot of green, milder temps, & perhaps
a body of water ( pond, river, etc.) close
by. Lou

 

Thanks man... at least I don't live IN the City... But Cook (or Crook, more like it!) county is where I most want to get out of. Had to go to Target today TB needed a coffee maker and sheets. Once I get out of this house then I can plan a strategy. As long as I don't fall into he body of water! LOL

 

Good for you for going to Target. I used to
hate going there with Linda, bc of the
screaming children, and the dumb parents, who didn't know enough, or
care enough to take their kids outside,
when they were having temper tantrums.
After that, Linda ordered everything by
catalogs, so we didn't have to go to malls,
anymore. If some of my shirts have collars
that are worn, I'll buy new ones, in a
friendly store downtown. Even though
the prices are more expensive, than in
a mall, l like to patronize the local
businesses. Loul

 

Hello everyone glad to see Lou and George so perky today. Of course Lou it’s always Perky. Deb sometimes we have to take baby steps to move forward. An extra tight hug for you. I haven’t been out anywhere since Cheryl passed. Other than a grad party and a family Get together the next day. I haven’t even watched our favorite TV shows yet. The only thing I do is listen to the police scanner And city lights on the dish music Channel. It seems like I’m very vulnerable to whatever environment I’m in. That’s why I like being by myself. There’s a checkerboard sky today with a lot of brightness and then a lot of darkness. Back and forth. It’s mimicking my mood. I loved hearing the story of the group hugs after the grief support meeting. That has never happened here. when the meeting is over some people are so drained they had for their car. Some hang around to socialize for a little bit. People are so much friendlier down south. George when you find your new place I hope it’s close to a walking trail or possibly a nature preserve or a park. I just got home from taking some of Cheryl‘s belongings to Goodwill. I recycled her bowling ball at the local bowling alley. I went to the grocery store and got gas. A couple deer hunting associates sent me photos of their bucks they shot last night. For now I’m lacking motivation because of the mosquitoes and I still have 10 pounds of venison. I feel like we’re teammates in a relay race. When one of us is down we pass the baton to the next person who is full of positivity. When they run out of gas they pass it to the next person that is positive. Our movement continues forward even with momentary setbacks. I’m going to get outside now. I’m passing my baton to George. Gary

 

Here I am! went out today to the Target couldn't help but remember all the fun times (and tedious too!) we had shopping there and other places as she said it as her mantra; "when I had two fully functioning legs. " I should have known something was up when she started using the cane (then walker)somewhere during my 10 year blank period. Last years of teaching and followed by kidney disease... Well to put the positive spin on it: those were great times and all and no one can take those away cuz they still live there. Also at Target I thought of all those shopping trips and how they resulted in countless trips to Goodwill! (like Gary said... I go there so much... I think I have 1 more left...!) How much stuff did we buy in a crazed frenzy of this'll never end! And here I am trying to get a house ready for sale. It is bright and harsh and loud today... but I'm cool with that cuz I got all you good people to talk to!

 

Gary, I have to take disagree with your
assessment of Lou, "always" being "perky".
I can still be hypersensitive, and, in fact,
was taken aback by your comment. I will
give you an example: I told both Deb and
"perky" (?) George that I didn't do my
usual crying for Linda this am, bc I was
looking forward to the arrival of my
friends, a married couple from Pa. We
walked down the Neck this sunny
afternoon, and my friends were greeted
warmly by all the shopkeepers, who are
also friends of mine. One ornery art
gallery owner was NOT welcoming, and
rather rude, even though I've always been
nice to her. She turned on me like a
rattlesnake, & hissed, "WELL, SOME OF US
HAVE TO WORK...." She's said that before,
but this time she embarrassed me in front
of my out of state visitors. I looked at her,
and said, "I don't need any of your CRAP"!
At that, she flew on her broomstick back
into her gallery. I'm lucky to have a lot of
kind friends here, Gary, who are
compassionate to me bc I'm a widower &
pleasant, quiet guy who listens. I don't
really give a damn if that rude woman
doesn't speak to me for a few days. Well,
I guess you won't be calling me "perky"
anymore, Gary ! Lou

 

George, I cringed when you said you said
you "should have known something was
up when she started using her cane( then
walker). That was an identical situation
for Linda & me. I'm ashamed ( though not
as guilty as I was) that I would get impatient when she lagged behind me.
I actually thought she was being dramatic,
when she was huffing & puffing. How
could I not see this, and go to our NP?
Well, I'll stop here before I get mad at
myself. That serves no purpose. I've been
told that MOST of the time, I was a loving,
caring husband. Lou

 

Me too! and I think it does serve a purpose one needs to vent in order to accept.. I know I'm not trained to ever vent or if I did it was frowned on. and no one here should get mad at themselves about that guilt driven stuff, I keep telling myself...