Sudden and unexpected

George,

I haven't caught up on lots of the messages that have been posted within the last couple of days. I just want to let you know, even though I haven't been around much, I've been thinking of you. So sorry it's a high stress day for you. I don't know what your schedule is like, but if you can, and if Mother Nature is being kind, fresh air, some sunshine, and a bit of exercise might help. I wasn't able to take my morning walk today, and I'm feeling more down than usual too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Like you, I HATE waiting. I think that
contributes to your agony. When Linda
died, the first thing I did was to put all
her clean clothes in large bags, to be
picked up by a truck, which would bring
them to women who were homeless and
poor. The second thing, much harder,
was to donate, or throw away, some of
the useless crap Linda had accumulated
through Publishers Clearing House (PCH).
it made me sad, bc when she became ill,
and didn't want to leave our apartment,
she would spend a lot of time with all
those damn mailings. She had a sad,
unrealistic wish that if only we could win
a lot of money, that our whole lives would
improve. Yes, we did get some useful items, like clothing and kitchenware, but
mostly crap that we didn't need. We got
a few fun things that made us laugh at the
time, but I had to get rid of after Linda
died, bc they made me cry. I know you will
feel better and that you accomplished a
mission to declutter your place ( and your
mind), to make it easier when you move.
Lou

 

[

Lou,

As that old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but not your relatives." I'm so proud of you for being strong, and smart enough to realize, that the relationships you had with your family were toxic. Won't go into any details, but I had to cut all ties with my sister. I used to feel guilty about this, sometimes I still do, but I know I did the right thing. I know that guilt is also a useless emotion, but and this is a BIG but, feelings are feelings, no way to erase them.

Backing way up, a very LATE Good morning!!! As I mentioned to George, I haven't read so many of the messages lately and feel like I've been away from here for months!!!

I hope you're enjoying a wonderful start to the beginning of a great weekend!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. As Gary said previously, I'm going to be off the grid for awhile, lots to do.

 

Deb, sometimes I listen to Sinatra's My
Way, in the morning. I agree with his
phrase : "Regrets, I've had a few, but too
few to mention....". When Linda died, I
was wracked with guilt. After almost 3
years since her death, I have absolutely
NO regrets about no contact with my
sister. Out of sight, out of mind. I hang out
only with likeminded, fun people. Slow
start. Breakfast at home, then walk to
Neck, & eventually dinner at Shack. I
bring a hooded sweatshirt, bc the AC in
the Shack can be quite cold. I joked with
the owner that he does that on purpose,
so that he can sell his sweatshirts with
The Fish Shack Bar and Restaurant, on
the back! ( another place for you to look
up, Deb!). Enjoy your walk, when you
finally do it. Lou

 

Hey Deb! I so need to get out today... the 1800Junk people are here taking the last of the giant old stuff. Can't bear to see them taking the sledge to the picknik table. Not that Valerie ever sat outside insects would eat her! I am so upset today... Your note here really felt good in another dreary day. I just can't wait until they're done...

 

This is to everyone from Karen. I will of line for the weekend, it's Jack's Celebration of Life at our daughter's home 3 hrs away and I'm not looking forward to it at all. Painful, so painful. But, the kids want it. So, to everyone I truly hope your weekend is a good one, bless you all, Karen

 

Sounds like we’re all having a low mood day together. And we walk the same trail. A sister was over the other day to get some stuff and told me another relative (female 64) died exactly the way Cheryl did recently. And autopsy was performed and found that she had a rare heart condition which could not be detected on a EKG. The sisters are in panic mode. I’m not going if invited to anybody’s place for thanksgiving. I feel they all perceive me as some kind of nut job that Has to go to grief support meetings and Has a therapist. I could be wrong. we could all be paralyzed in our own grief. I’m lucky I have one brother that I really get along with. I Don’t have any children. I live all alone in a rural area. I have four guys that I stay in touch regularly by text. my rare human interactions are with my 12 step recovery friends and shopping. I’m getting depressed writing this. I did let out some pain a few hours ago after seeing some of Cheryl‘s old Pictures. Our facilitator says our grief is like pneumonia in our lungs we have to get it out. I still can’t figure out how mourning can be our best tool in recovery? The more miles we put on the more we will understand I hope. that’s why it’s so good to have Lou. I’m going to try to keep the head in forward today. Peace. Gary

 

My main human interaction is the dialysis tech, I totally get it. I'm so not good today too... Last T-giving Valerie was able to make chili... I have no interest in any holidays now. I just love it when I'm truly sad and I can mourn... usually I'm not this purifying cleansing sadness; I'm just upset and anxious and depressed. I had the junk people here today it was heavy. Peace too!!! Best wishes to everyone (i'm still not sure how this messaging works!?)

 

George I can’t imagine how bad that feels physically and emotionally. Can you write that guy “I lost my wife” and send him a little encouragement? It might make you feel better. You’re down now but you’re not going stay down. This is the hardest part surviving in the storm. I’ll be thinking about you all day. Sending you a virtual hug. Gary

 

I will, thanks Gary.

 

Thanks for the kind and positive vibes! It took me a while to get back here . I'm so relieved on one hand to get rid of the stuff but I feel so guilty that I did too... Like Valerie would be mad at me for throwing out so much... I know it's irrational but I can't help it. I'm all for helping myself through helping others when I can. Talk to ya later.

 

George, just came home & saw your
post about your guilt about getting rid
of Valerie's stuff. I felt guilty at first, but
then, I told my grief counselor that I was
sad, that the end of her life consisted of
watching TV, like Valerie did, and ordering
from catalogs for our clothes, bc it was too
difficult to go to the department store, with
her walker. As I said before, she ordered a
lot of crap, but we got good clothes, too.
I used to cry when I put on a shirt that
she had picked out for me, but now, after
3 years, I don't. We used to watch a TV
program on HGTV, called "Clean Sweep".
It was about a team who would help a
couple to have 3 sections in their yard:
1st, stuff to keep, 2nd, stuff to donate, and
3rd, stuff to throw away. Linda loved that
show, & wished we could have that team
to declutter our place. After she died, that
task fell on me. I live a minimalist life.
The couple in the upstairs apartment,
are about 50, have big screen TV's, all
the newest appliances, etc. When they
saw my place, the wife gently teased me
that I live a Zen like existence, & she's
right. Now that I don't drink anymore,
or have a woman in my life, some people
might think of me as a monk! But, I haven't
made a vow of silence. I like to smile &
laugh with people. That, & the ocean, are
good for my soul. You will soon look back
on this day with pride, George, bc you're
moving forward, not backward. Valerie
would've wanted that for you. Lou

 

George, I felt the same way about
Thanksgiving. I wanted to be alone. I.
baked chicken thighs, had some frozen
veggies on top of the stove, & took a walk.
I was invited by a family, but politely
declined. Next month, however, I'm
going to join their small table. Do what
you think best right now. Lou

 

George You’re dealing with four major crises at the same time. When I took Cheryl‘s name off my accounts as a beneficiary I felt like a traitor. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. But we have to make these changes as painful as they are. The best thing I feel like I’ve done for Cheryl is by keeping her flower garden going. When I knew she wasn’t going to make it the first thing I envisioned was the environment reclaiming her flower garden. One of the sisters encouraged me to do it and said it was good therapy and it would be a way to honor Cheryl. You are honoring Valerie by the way you are driven to survive. I joined widows and widowers on Facebook and I can’t believe all the trauma people are suffering. You nailed it when you said it helps us to help them. Hope you rest well tonight George. Keep on trucking. Gary

 

Deb, just came home from Shack, & found
out that Lyle's birthday is SUNDAY, not
tomorrow. Apparently, since he's turning
75, he's decided on a THREE day
celebration! He promised to meet Steven,
Betsy, and me, at Shack, around 5
tomorrow. I texted Steven tonight &
he did a laugh emoji! Sat will be warm &
sunny, so there will be a lot of locals &
tourists. I will most likely see Steven,
Betsy, Lyle & others, on Neck, before
Shack. Right before I went to Shack tonight, I ran into Lorraine, walking her
dog. She hopes to meet Steven & Betsy, too.
We had a good laugh about my thinking
she was divorced. But, I did tell her that
it wasn't just me, "with my befuddled old
brain",but also N. who misunderstood.
Her daughter said that her dad lived in
a house in a different city. Lorraine never
said, "my husband & I " bought the house.
She said " I bought the house". I better
find another woman soon, bc I'm still
attracted to her. I had the sense not to tell
her that I had been planning to ask her
out. That would have been very awkward
for her. Al, 82 ( but looks 70s), a widower
& good friend of mine, wanted to ask
Lorraine to go to a concert, even though
he was old enough to be her father. Thank
goodness, he didn't! Al was standing with
me, when we talked with Lorraine, & we
had a laugh afterward, when I said, if
only Lorraine had an unmarried sister!
Well, 9:30pm. Enough excitement for the
day. Hope you sleep well, Deb. Lou

 

Gary, just saw your kind words to George
about guilt. I'll make this short, bc I already replied to George & Deb, & it's
my usual 9:30pm, Massachusetts time,
to go to bed. When I ordered new checks
without Linda's name on them, I felt
guilty AND depressed. But, I've reached
a point, after 3 years, that it would be
very strange and unnatural to KEEP her
name on those checks. I use them for
thongs that didn't even exist when Linda
was alive. I MUST start anew, but keep
her spirit alive in other ways. Talk
tomorrow. Lou

 

Lou,

I just was in the middle of typing a really l o n g message and deleted it by accident. I guess it'll be floating around somewhere in cyberspace for eternity. I smiled when I read about you joking around with owner of the Shack, telling him how he's keeping it cold, so he can sell sweatshirts. I really needed to smile, total understatement!!!

I checked out The Fish Shack Bar and Restaurant on line. Looking at the pictures, it's almost like stepping back in time. Pictures of your town bring back so many wonderful memories... Right at this moment, I want to move back "home." Thank you for the special memories, even though now, many of them are bittersweet. Some of the best times in my life were spent where you live in your town. Of course, I'm crying, but as Robin would say, the tears are happy mixed with sad. Backing up a bit, in my younger days, I also had some fun times at Wingaersheek Beach in Gloucester. Did you and Linda spend time there too?

Still in tears, I've been struggling so much. Everything is a trigger for tears. I almost feel like I'm moving backwards instead of forwards in this miserable journey. As much as I hate being in my house, alone, and lonely, I want to be alone. I know, this probably doesn't make any sense at all (I almost stuck another total understatement here)... I'm just an emotional train wreck. I know I have to let myself feel all of this pain in order to move forward, so I'm letting myself cry. The end of October, Bob and I would have been celebrating another wedding anniversary. It would have been 32 years, although we lived together for 35 years. I want to erase the entire holiday season. I feel like I want to spend the holidays alone...

Tomorrow I hope to hit the pavement early. My friend who lives a couple streets away from me, is picking me up at noon. We're going to a Thai restaurant that has outdoor seating. We wanted to go last week, but the weather sucked. I think timing is everything in life, and the timing of our lunch is perfect. It'll be good to talk to her. I better bring a purse full of tissues!!!

Looking forward to hearing about all your adventures...

Sleep well...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,


I'm smiling as I'm "talking" to you, thinking about all the fun you're going to have at the Neck tomorrow afternoon. Then it's off to the Shack for the second night of Lyle's three day birthday celebration. A couple friends of mine, a husband and wife, celebrate their birthdays for an entire week. I hope Lyle enjoys every minute of his 75th birthday!!! I'm guessing someone might have to carry him home later on...

Timing is everything in life. I'm glad you ran into Lorraine. I know you wanted to see her, and it'll be nice for you to be able to introduce her to Steven and Betsy. I think it was a very wise move, not to tell her you were attracted to her too, total understatement!!! From "listening" to you, I think you are ready for another relationship. As I've been saying all along, I bet, when you least expect it, it'll happen (I know, you're probably thinking "Smile You're On Candid Camera," again right about now).

You have not only put the shattered pieces of your life back together again, but you have found happiness along the way. It sounds like the only missing piece is having someone special to share it with. It would make Linda very happy... You give all of us hope, that in time, we will not only be able to rebuild our lives, but find some happiness too.

I hope you get an excellent night's rest. You're going to need it for tomorrow, total understatement!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

As much as lately, I feel like I want to be alone (so unlike"old"me) way too much of the time, I agree with you. We all need connection and support. I can't even begin to imagine how anyone could do this alone, total understatement!!! I'm so glad you were able to get a copy of "The Widower's Notebook."

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB