I lost my nephew in April. He completed suicide 1 day after his 17th birthday and sent me a text that just said 'I love you' right before he pulled the trigger. I am still so lost. I was not able to have kids of my own - he and his sister have been my world, and I feel like such a failure to have lost him this way. All the would have, could have, should haves that cropped up after he left, the regrets and pain at not having kept him safe from the world. I'm really struggling this holiday season. Every perfect gift I come across while shopping is a reminder that I'll never again be able to spoil him and watch his eyes light up. Never be able to hug him again, playfully tease each other at family gatherings, tell him I love him. How do I get through the holidays? How does our family get together without each other's pain breaking us? How do we ever move forward?