Struggling this season

I lost my nephew in April. He completed suicide 1 day after his 17th birthday and sent me a text that just said 'I love you' right before he pulled the trigger. I am still so lost. I was not able to have kids of my own - he and his sister have been my world, and I feel like such a failure to have lost him this way. All the would have, could have, should haves that cropped up after he left, the regrets and pain at not having kept him safe from the world. I'm really struggling this holiday season. Every perfect gift I come across while shopping is a reminder that I'll never again be able to spoil him and watch his eyes light up. Never be able to hug him again, playfully tease each other at family gatherings, tell him I love him. How do I get through the holidays? How does our family get together without each other's pain breaking us? How do we ever move forward?

 

So sad to hear about your and your family's loss. There's no great answer to your questions or solution to what's happening. It's going to be hard, maybe it will feel impossibly hard. Just take it one moment and day at a time. The best thing I can think to suggest is to treat yourself and talk to yourself the way you would your precious nephew. Be as gentle and loving as you can with yourself, and if you slip, do it again, and again, and again, until gentleness and love and self-compassion become the norm.

You could also have a conversation with your sibling and other family members about whether or not typical traditions need to change for the holidays, at least for this year. Maybe it needs to be a more casual event this year, or broken up into smaller chunks so you all have time to rest between socializing. Or maybe you could all write letters to him and read them to him while you're together, so you can support each other while you express what you want to him. Sending peace and love your way.

 

I am sorry for your devastating unexpected loss. Since you were the last one he wrote to say he loved you, you can take some solace in the fact that this is a way of saying, You did all you could to help me and this is not your fault. A 17 year old has many heartbreaks in their lives, and some of these are romantic losses. At 17 everything seems over whelming and unbearable. It is hard for a tennager to see it will not always be the way it is.
Also remember that this is a very difficult world for young people to find any hope. Our only hope is to surrender everything to God and let His love and care heal us. I didn't think that was a possibility even though I knew God closely for a long time before we lost our 28 year old son to suicide. But I want to give you hope that even though it looks like it is impossible to get through this and move forward, it is possible when we turn to God.
This pain you are suffering seems unbearable, but you can survive it.
Do whatever your heart tells you you need to do to heal. Don't ttouble yourself with what other people think. They don't and can't understand if they have not suffered a devastating loss like you have.
We care about you here. Stay in touch and share your feelings as you feel led to. Sometimes this helps a little.
And don't try to hide your feelings from others. If they ask, be honest and tell them it is still very difficult for you and you are still trying to work through this unexpected. tragedy.
Confide your honest feelings to those who love you and care about you.
God's strength be with you,
Chris