Stop myself from grieving

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Crazycatchristine, Mar 30, 2021.

  1. Crazycatchristine

    Crazycatchristine New Member

    I'm new to this and uneasy about it. I lost my mom 56 days ago. Yea, I'm sure it's odd to know exactly how many days it's been, but counting the days is about as much as my mind, or heart, let's me think about it... Think about her. She had a degenerative brain disease called corticobasal degeneration and had been on in home hospice for just over a year. In that year, she lost all but 72 lbs of herself, lost her ability to talk, walk, to feed herself, to care for herself at all, which my dad, her husband of 52 years, was more than willing to take on. After a few months, I saw how much it was killing my dad, and even though I have 2 siblings, I was the only one willing to help. I guess I was technically a newly wed when it began, and I run a business, but I didn't care, I would have thrown it all away to help my mom. Thankfully my husband was nothing but supportive, as I got home from work every night at 10pm, loaded the dog into the car and drove the 30 mins to my parents house to see if I could get mom to eat, and help her get to bed. My dad was a nurse practitioner, and he was all business with my mom, when I knew she needed love more than anything. I would wash her hands, her face, then sing to her once I got her in bed. Every, single, night, for 4 months, this is what I did. Sometimes not getting home until 2 in the morning. In snow storms, fog, exhausted and scared to fall asleep driving, nothing could've kept me from getting to my mom every night. I felt like a zombie, just getting through it the best I could without letting it consume it. Then just before midnight on groundhogs day, she died, while I was singing her to sleep. Ever since, I feel lost, and angry, frustrated and like I don't even know myself. But I won't let myself think her. Think about any of it. Every time she creeps into my mind, my eyes well up and I shut it out, without even realizing what I'm doing. I cut myself off from thinking about it, dealing with it, really anything, it's like she never even existed, and that makes me feel HORRIBLE. She would be so sad if I didn't think of her. And I want to think of her, I want to miss her and I want to remember her. I want this to break me completely apart like the loss of a parent should do to their child. I just can't. And I'm not sure why. I'm not sure how. Everyone tells me I should be so proud of how much I helped her, and supported my dad, and how it should make me feel good to know I did everything I could to make her know she was loved. None of that feels good, or feels like I should be proud of. I'm not happy I did it. No one should have to do it. I guess I just don't know what to do next. I can't move on or forgive myself if I continue to push everything about her out of my mind. Do I just pretend the last few years, few months, never happened and try to remember her before the disease? I don't know. Thanks for reading this and for any help or advice anyone might have.
    KateIsNotOkay and JoNas like this.
  2. Ladyjane

    Ladyjane Member

    Hi what a beautiful daughter you are. I'm not sure I can help but I nursed my hubby and he passed from Cancer in November. I was so numb at the beginning and the tears and the images are coming now. I went to see someone who sd everyone grieves differently. Try just too take it 1 day at a time. There is so much to process your heart is probably protecting itself. Just know you did your best for your lovely mumx
    KateIsNotOkay, Patti 61 and JoNas like this.